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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking older son into the ladies?

358 replies

Chichimcgee · 05/02/2022 16:14

He’s severely autistic, incontinent, anxious etc hes 12 but looks a lot older

There’s been two occasions where he’s gone into the men’s loos that ended up with me asking a random man to check they were empty and keep guard so I could sort my son out. We have a disability key and use that when we can but sometimes there’s not a disabled toilet.

I know he looks like teenager and it’s not nice for women using the loo and I do try to explain but there’s been a couple of toilet emergencies recently where I’ve been shouted at because he’s in the ladies with me. But I can’t go into the men’s?
WWYD?

OP posts:
x2boys · 05/02/2022 19:24

U also have a severely autistic nearly 12 year old boy I'd there was no other choice I would take him into the ladies with me ,but really we should have more "Changing places"

x2boys · 05/02/2022 19:25

i*

museumum · 05/02/2022 19:47

@modgepodge

I have to say I find these replies interesting, with the vast majority saying it’s fine to go in the ladies. Yet when someone posts about their 8 year old going swimming they’re told he must be in the men’s by himself, showering and changing completely independently as it’s unacceptable for an 8 year old boy to be in the women’s. Mumsnet is so unpredictable at times!

Clearly the answer is To use the disabled, and to complain if there isn’t one (unacceptable in this day and age). As someone else said, a sunflower landward might prevent shouting and unkindness if you really do have to use the women’s.

Because it’s necessary to get naked after swimming, often in a shared space. Toilets are individual cubicles.
nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 05/02/2022 20:06

I absolutely will 'dare' to call people nasty when they're shouting at a woman who needs to take her severely autistic and incontinent child to use the standard toilets.

Because irregardless of how those adults may feel, shouting at that child's mother and in front of that child, is extremely nasty.

If you think it's not, it makes no difference to me.

They shouldn't have shouted but she should have warned them she was bringing in a male. The warning makes the difference.

They aren't the only ones whose feelings matter.

If you think I'm unreasonable then why don't you imagine it was your 9 year old who was intercepted regularly on her way in and out of the toilet, smothered with a hoodie and raped. Then rethink how you'd feel about men in the ladies. I'm willing to bet if it was your daughter who would be suffering flashbacks and scared out of her wits, you'd suddenly find some empathy for her and others like her as well as OPs son.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 05/02/2022 20:11

If I'd been in there, I'd have done more than shout. It would have been full on melt down and he would have been shoved down at the least in my panic to get out.

Not out of nastiness but simply because I would have no control over my actions during a flashback. That warning to expect him would make every bit of difference.

Honeysuckle45 · 05/02/2022 20:11

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut the op already said she does warn people. She tries only to enter when the toilets are empty but if that's not possible she calls out a warning.

It isn't just about her sons feelings, it's about his needs. He needs to use a toilet and it isn't safe for him to go into the mens alone.

The incident you've described sounds horrific but honestly, would you rather see a disabled child soil himself? Jesus.

DoNotGetADog · 05/02/2022 20:13

@liveforsummer

If you go into the men’s you’re likely to see men using urinals ( which they may object to)

So mens feelings need to be considered over women's. Got it!

I’m all for calling out sexism where necessary, but in the women’s toilets all the personal stuff is done inside cubicles where nobody else would see. In the men’s toilets they will literally have their cocks out pissing in the urinals and be seen by the OP. It’s different.
Original poster
Chichimcgee · 05/02/2022 20:15

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut
That is absolutely horrific and I’m so, so sorry that happened.

I think it was bad timing last time as we were going in as she was coming out. Other than the walk to and from the cubicle we’re in the cubicle to minimise time in the ‘communal’ bit, if that’s the right word?
I usually make a lot of noise and say ‘David we have to use the ladies so I can help you’ or similar but I will DEFINITELY make sure to make more effort to let women know he is going in there and I hope if there is anyone with a traumatic experience the fact I’m with him would ease some worries.

OP posts:
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 05/02/2022 20:24

Well my 9 year old boy also has autism @eejervis and there is no way he should be subjected to an adult women in the toilets . And neither should my 10 year old nt son for that matter.

You aren't the only person in the world with an autistic child . At least you can go into the toilet with your daughter , those of us with sons who have a similar issue with anxiety can't go into the men's with them

A child who has a disability and needs help with their toileting should go into which ever toilet their parent would usually go in if there are no accessible ones

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 05/02/2022 20:27

If I ran into you OP I would appreciate that warning a lot and absolutely would have no problem with you using the ladies.

As I said, my issue is not with you doing it but rather with the pp who said that it's only nasty people who would have any issue with it and the who was name calling.

Lifeslooser · 05/02/2022 20:29

A 12 year old boy shouldn’t be in the ladies.
I’ve never seen toilets without a disabled one, ever! Where is it that you have this problem? If no disabled toilet, which I doubt you should use the family/changing room toilet.

My 8 year old goes in the ladies herself and I wouldn’t be happy if she said a 12 year old boy was in there and would be cross about it.

Sirzy · 05/02/2022 20:30

@Lifeslooser

A 12 year old boy shouldn’t be in the ladies. I’ve never seen toilets without a disabled one, ever! Where is it that you have this problem? If no disabled toilet, which I doubt you should use the family/changing room toilet.

My 8 year old goes in the ladies herself and I wouldn’t be happy if she said a 12 year old boy was in there and would be cross about it.

Are you making the “never no disabled toilet” judgement from tne place of someone who ever needs to access them?
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 05/02/2022 20:30

I'm sure the op would have used a family changing room toilet if one was available Hmm

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 05/02/2022 20:32

And yes that would be a huge reassurance. That is what I do. Before I open the door I say to myself. 'There is a boy out there, he sounds about 10 and he will NOT hurt you. He won't even notice you, he's just waiting for his mum. Nothing to freak out about. He's just here so his mum wont worry. Just smile and walk past him, he won't stop you.' And I keep repeating it in my head till I'm out.

PurpleDaisies · 05/02/2022 20:32

A 12 year old boy shouldn’t be in the ladies.
I’ve never seen toilets without a disabled one, ever! Where is it that you have this problem? If no disabled toilet, which I doubt you should use the family/changing room toilet.

Do you honestly think a place without a disabled loo is going to have a family/changing toilet? Are you accusing those people who are saying they need disabled loos and haven’t been able to find one of lying? Hmm

A 12 year old boy shouldn’t be in the ladies.

I fixed this for you to reflect the op’s situation:

A 12 year old severely disabled boy shouldn’t be in the ladies even with his mother who has to help him use the toilet safely.
Happy to stand by that?

trunktoes · 05/02/2022 20:33

He shouldnt be in the womens toilet. At what age are you going to stop taking him in?

Viviennemary · 05/02/2022 20:35

I think its fine to use the ladies as he has a disability.

Sirzy · 05/02/2022 20:36

@trunktoes

He shouldnt be in the womens toilet. At what age are you going to stop taking him in?
When places start providing proper disabled toilet facilities
TheYearOfSmallThings · 05/02/2022 20:37

I’ve never seen toilets without a disabled one, ever!

Seriously?! I've seen this many times in older or smaller establishments. And also seen disabled toilets out of service, leaving only the main ladies' and men's toilets usable.

LittleBearPad · 05/02/2022 20:39

@Lifeslooser

A 12 year old boy shouldn’t be in the ladies. I’ve never seen toilets without a disabled one, ever! Where is it that you have this problem? If no disabled toilet, which I doubt you should use the family/changing room toilet.

My 8 year old goes in the ladies herself and I wouldn’t be happy if she said a 12 year old boy was in there and would be cross about it.

Don’t be absurd. There are lots of places without disabled loos.
Volhhg · 05/02/2022 20:40

I think just go in whichever one has less people in so he can go to the toilet quicker. Is he going to be expected to have some independence when older? if so I would suggest the men's and you will need to accompany. Are you regularly in touch with any charities associated with your son's condition because I would consult them for advice as this situation is surely not new.

LittleBearPad · 05/02/2022 20:41

@trunktoes

He shouldnt be in the womens toilet. At what age are you going to stop taking him in?
Do you think when he turns 13 his disability will disappear?
jytdtysrht · 05/02/2022 20:42

I once put dd’s pink hat on the head of my autistic 12/13 yo boy to take him in the ladies. Me and dd stood either side of him and nobody noticed. He was no risk to any girl or woman as he was right by my side (apart from actually not wishing to interact with any other person at all).

EcoCustard · 05/02/2022 20:42

If no accessible toilet available I would take him into the ladies toilets.

Original poster
Chichimcgee · 05/02/2022 20:45

@Lifeslooser it’s not some evil minded plan to make him use the ladies. It’s a last resort and thanks to the lovely people on this thread if we are in that situation again I can do my best to make sure it’s as comfortable for everyone as possibly can be.

@trunktoes if he’s able to access the toilet, clean himself up and cope in the men’s. I hope in time, particularly after his next surgeries, he will be able to hold it until we can access a disabled toilet.

Again, we use the disabled when available. We use his toilet card to use staff toilets if there’s a shop nearby. It’s an absolute last resort that I wanted to make sure if it happens again I’m doing everything I can to not make the situation worse.

OP posts:
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