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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is DH selfish

139 replies

Iamasingingtelegram · 05/02/2022 12:24

DH works 8-5 in a low paid job. He doesn’t like the job particularly and the says the company is awful, but he works with friends so likes that.
We have 3 small children, oldest due to start school this year.
He can’t help with getting them ready in the morning, getting them to nursery if they are going, picking them up, doing tea etc. when he gets home he helps with bath and bed.
My maternity leave finishes soon and I’ll have to work my hours around school and nursery.
For the same salary (or probably higher) he could work an hour less a day and be more help with the kids. He might even get flexible hours or work from home options (no chance in current job).
I never wanted life to be like this, where I do so much of the childcare. I’d always hoped for more balance. However he is working full time so I get it falls to me as I’m on maternity. But even when I go back it will still fall to me and because my job is more flexible I will have to make it flex.
I’ve told him I’m not enjoying things at the moment. Got a young baby who cries a lot, a wilful toddler and a four year old who wants a lot of attention. I’m often reduced to tears with frustration in getting out in the morning, not to mention feeling so down about the constant housework and mum admin.
His job is going nowhere and has no perks. I think he should look for something else, AIBU?

OP posts:

apprenticewage · 05/02/2022 12:27

Did he ever help? Or is this just a recent thing?

Original poster

Iamasingingtelegram · 05/02/2022 12:28

In a previous role he did 9-5 and dropped off kids in morning

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 05/02/2022 12:32

His lack of ambition would be a big problem for me. I would think he would want to find a more beneficial job in order to support his family, but clearly not.

tillytown · 05/02/2022 12:38

He knows you are literally crying for help and yet he won't do anything about it? Imagine if it was the other way around, would you be looking for a different job so you could be a better parent or would you say screw it and keep ignoring your struggling spouse?
He is selfish.

apprenticewage · 05/02/2022 12:38

Well it would be if ideal if he could find a 9-5 role again yes or a flexi time role. What time does everyone get up in the morning? What is the general morning schedule/timeline right now?

Could he not help by setting out breakfast and clothing/uniforms the evening before. Could blue make dinner. So you are in charge of mornings and school runs but he does dinner and food shopping?

melissasummerfield · 05/02/2022 12:40

Did he lack ambition before you married him? If so then you ABU to expect any different tbh.

apprenticewage · 05/02/2022 12:41

That's supposed to be "Could he make dinner?" Don't know where "blue" came from 🤣

Original poster

Iamasingingtelegram · 05/02/2022 12:43

I never expected him to be a big earner. He isn’t one to chase promotion. He hates applying for jobs and interviews. He had a better situation but lost it in covid.

OP posts:

apprenticewage · 05/02/2022 12:48

Let's put the job aside @Iamasingingtelegram

What else can/should he bring doing in the home to balance it out??!!

Dinner?
Laundry?
Food shopping?
Bathing the dc?
Hoovering?

If he plays more of a role in the evening when he IS available would it make it easier for you all?

Tofindthisodd · 05/02/2022 12:58

Would he be a SAHD?

Original poster

Iamasingingtelegram · 05/02/2022 13:05

Doubt he’d want to be a SAHD. But I can’t judge that, I couldn’t be a SAHM.
From when he gets home until the children are asleep he is helping (bath, story, cooking our tea - whatever combo is required.
At the weekend he does contribute to housework and childcare.

OP posts:

EarringsandLipstick · 05/02/2022 13:11

From when he gets home until the children are asleep he is helping (bath, story, cooking our tea - whatever combo is required.
At the weekend he does contribute to housework and childcare.

That changes your initial post a lot.

He does share the workload.

8 - 5 is a pretty standard working day. I am surprised you think there are many jobs that allow an hour less a day.

He sounds like he's fully engaged in the evening so I'm not sure what the issue is?
If it's re childcare, perhaps he can see if there's an option to change his hours one day a week to do pick up or drop off?

If money is an issue, as his job is low paid, then that's a different matter again, of course.

Scrunchies · 05/02/2022 13:14

An 8-5 job is still not really very long hours. There are still plenty of hours in the day he could help. But I agree with you, if he could have a better job but just wants to stick with his friends I would be annoyed. Depends how realistic him finding another job is in his field, so hard to say.

Quartz2208 · 05/02/2022 13:16

I think the issue is that he hates his job and the job is inconvenient to family life and means the OP has to take on more. I assume if he was happy and fulfilled it would be ok to take the hit. But it is difficult to take the hit on something that doesnt have any positives to either apart from the fact that he works with friends and is scared/unmotivated to change it.

Talk to him - work out if there is a solution to this where he can be happier in the job and/or take on helping more

pinkyredrose · 05/02/2022 13:20

All this talk of him 'contributing' and 'helping' is rather sad. He wanted these kids, they're equally his responsibility.

Original poster

Iamasingingtelegram · 05/02/2022 13:58

I agree @pinkyredrose
I thought in this day and age we could have a more equal situation. But everywhere I see mums running the show and dads out at work.

OP posts:

apprenticewage · 05/02/2022 14:05

I use the words help and contribute loosely to be honest. He should be just doing it to be honest you're right. My dh plays his role equally to mine (to be honest he does a lot more than me sometimes!) but mostly its equal (as it should be)

EarringsandLipstick · 05/02/2022 14:53

@Iamasingingtelegram

I agree *@pinkyredrose* I thought in this day and age we could have a more equal situation. But everywhere I see mums running the show and dads out at work.

But that's not the case? He's participating too 🤷🏻‍♀️

billy1966 · 05/02/2022 14:59

Sounds like his priority is his friends and not his family.

He sounds like a selfish, lazy waster.

It sounds like you are run ragged.

3 children under 4 is no laugh.

Absolutely relentless.

He needs telling firmly.

I couldn't be with such a selfish man.

Bintymcbintface · 05/02/2022 15:01

So when he isn't at work, he's helping with the dc, doing household tasks and actively engaging with family life... I'm sorry im struggling to see how you think he's selfish

ladydimitrescu · 05/02/2022 15:02

How on earth is he selfish when the second he comes home he's full on with the children? If it's 50/50 when he's at home I really don't think you have a lot to complain about.

museumum · 05/02/2022 15:07

When is nursery pick up?
A 5pm finish shouldn’t prevent taking turns at puck up. Unless he’s very far away?
Our nurseries were always open till 6 and dh and I would take turns to finish at 5 and pick up. Dcs also went to after school club so we could finish at 5 then rush to pick up on our way home.

Topseyt · 05/02/2022 15:08

I think what he is doing sounds fine.

He does share childcare and housework. Your first post implied that he didn't.

I0NA · 05/02/2022 15:10

I don’t understand how your job has to be flexible to work around the kids but his doesn’t. AFAIK there are very few jobs in the UK that are exempt from the law around part time / flexible working.

I’m assuming he’s not in the armed forces or working offshore, so not able to go part time.

Or some illegal cash in hand place where he has no rights.

When men say “ I can’t work part time / flexibly / from home / compressed hours “, half the time they mean

“ I CBA to apply “.

And the other half they mean

“ I could do this but it would have career consequences for me and I only want my wife’s careers to be affected, not mine”.

billy1966 · 05/02/2022 15:10

It's selfish because he swans out the door to a low paying job and will leave the OP to get 3 children out the door and she has to work around all drops and pick ups.

It's selfish because he could get a job that helped more with the drops and collections of 3 children.

It is selfish because he is staying in a badly paid job because of friends.

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