AIBU or is DH selfish

[Iamasingingtelegram]

DH works 8-5 in a low paid job. He doesn’t like the job particularly and the says the company is awful, but he works with friends so likes that.
We have 3 small children, oldest due to start school this year.
He can’t help with getting them ready in the morning, getting them to nursery if they are going, picking them up, doing tea etc. when he gets home he helps with bath and bed.
My maternity leave finishes soon and I’ll have to work my hours around school and nursery.
For the same salary (or probably higher) he could work an hour less a day and be more help with the kids. He might even get flexible hours or work from home options (no chance in current job).
I never wanted life to be like this, where I do so much of the childcare. I’d always hoped for more balance. However he is working full time so I get it falls to me as I’m on maternity. But even when I go back it will still fall to me and because my job is more flexible I will have to make it flex.
I’ve told him I’m not enjoying things at the moment. Got a young baby who cries a lot, a wilful toddler and a four year old who wants a lot of attention. I’m often reduced to tears with frustration in getting out in the morning, not to mention feeling so down about the constant housework and mum admin.
His job is going nowhere and has no perks. I think he should look for something else, AIBU?

If she only works 3 days it’s EVEN MORE important that she’s not always late arriving and early leaving because she’s doing all the parent duties!

@Iamasingingtelegram what does your dh do? How much does he earn now? What exactly do you want him to do?

I really despair at the low standards for men. Apparently it's "plenty" that he helps after work, totally impossible to find a low paid job with perfectly standard not especially flexible hours like 9-5. If the OP decided to do that and leave her DH to figure out the childcare that he has also had a year to think about, no one would tell him that she did plenty and to stop whining

@museumum

If she only works 3 days it’s EVEN MORE important that she’s not always late arriving and early leaving because she’s doing all the parent duties!

Its really not more important.

It needs to be shared. But, as I said, I don't think him doing pick ups is what op wants.

She doesn't want to do the 3 drop offs. But only having to do the bits you want is unrealistic.

@Classicblunder

Again, many jobs don't even allow you thirty minutes of flexibility, especially the lower paid ones. IME flexibility is only something that comes with experience and education.

That is why he should apply for a job with different hours!!!!

He's already had to change job after losing one through no fault of his own. Why should he have to change job again to accommodate OPs pt job??

@Classicblunder I agree it's not impossible and he should start looking but they need to work it together. I also don't see the issue if he is trying his best at every other stage of the day!!

@Classicblunder

Again, many jobs don't even allow you thirty minutes of flexibility, especially the lower paid ones. IME flexibility is only something that comes with experience and education.

That is why he should apply for a job with different hours!!!!

And again, I haven't said otherwise!

But applying for jobs doesn't actually mean he'll get them, which is why people are saying OP needs to be realistic.

Why should he have to change job again to accommodate OPs pt job??

This is my point about standards for men. It isn't to accommodate her job, it's to take responsibility for his children.

But applying for jobs doesn't actually mean he'll get them, which is why people are saying OP needs to be realistic.

Well he isn't applying for any which was the whole point of the OP! He definitely won't get anything if he isn't applying

@Classicblunder

I really despair at the low standards for men. Apparently it's "plenty" that he helps after work, totally impossible to find a low paid job with perfectly standard not especially flexible hours like 9-5. If the OP decided to do that and leave her DH to figure out the childcare that he has also had a year to think about, no one would tell him that she did plenty and to stop whining

What low standards?

He works nine hours a day in a job he hates.
He comes home from work and does (by OP's own admission) his share of childcare and housework. He also does his share on weekends.

The only thing he doesn't do is the school/nursery run on the three days OP is working - and the reason he doesn't do that is because he's already out at work!

Imagine if a woman came on and said her husband was complaining about having to do the school run three days a week while she was at the office...

@Classicblunder

But applying for jobs doesn't actually mean he'll get them, which is why people are saying OP needs to be realistic.

Well he isn't applying for any which was the whole point of the OP! He definitely won't get anything if he isn't applying

I agree.

But part of me can't believe that people think he should change jobs to just so he can help out with the school run three days a week.

If a man suggested his wife change jobs because he found the school run too stressful, he would be slaughtered.

@Classicblunder

Why should he have to change job again to accommodate OPs pt job??

This is my point about standards for men. It isn't to accommodate her job, it's to take responsibility for his children.

I disagree he is taking responsibility for his kids. He works full time and does his fate share the rest of the time he is home.

Until op says why he can't do pick ups, it's really impossible to tell if a 9-5 will work.

A 9-5 on its own may not work either.

YABU in expecting him to help more. They are his children, he should be caring for them equally. Get rid of the "help" mindset. He's not fucking helping, he's looking after his own kids. Well he should be anyway.

From when he gets home until the children are asleep he is helping (bath, story, cooking our tea - whatever combo is required.
At the weekend he does contribute to housework and childcare.

I can’t see what more he could do to be honest?
He’s lucky to have a job at all considering he lost his previous due to covid. There’s still lots of job uncertainty and I think you’re being unrealistic to think starting at 9 instead of 8 would make all the difference.

@Iamasingingtelegram

In a previous role he did 9-5 and dropped off kids in morning

The OP has said this already - it is not some incredibly fancy complex working pattern which would help...

So they lose 5 hours a week of paid work so he can do the school run on 3 days?

Never mind that even with op on maternity leave he’s coming home, cooking tea, bathing kids, reading stories, doing housework? It’s up to him to give up a secure job, find another one, just to do the school run?

@Classicblunder

Why should he have to change job again to accommodate OPs pt job??

This is my point about standards for men. It isn't to accommodate her job, it's to take responsibility for his children.

He is taking responsibility for his children by being out working full time to provide for them and then taking over the childcare and household chores when he's home... I'm honestly amazed that people are thinking the bloke is selfish because OP finds the school run hard. If it was the other way round and a guy came on and said his wife should change job because he can't cope with the morning rush 3 days a week he'd be called a lazy bastard and the wife would be told to leave him

If a man suggested his wife change jobs because he found the school run too stressful, he would be slaughtered

That isn't the point - it is that she has had to change her working hours because he has changed his and he has no plans to look for work which would help him to take anything approaching equal responsibility for his kids.

@Iamasingingtelegram

I’ll go back three days a week but will have to do all getting ready, drop off and pick up so will have to stretch my hours across more days.

What id like is for DH to apply for jobs that have fewer hours (eg 9-5) and/or WFH and/or flexible hour options.

His current role would never allow for a change in his hours.

I just don't get how anyone can see this as unreasonable

@Chichimcgee

So they lose 5 hours a week of paid work so he can do the school run on 3 days?

Never mind that even with op on maternity leave he’s coming home, cooking tea, bathing kids, reading stories, doing housework? It’s up to him to give up a secure job, find another one, just to do the school run?

Exactly, and it's not even just losing five hours a week, it's the lack of security that comes with changing jobs in an unstable market.

It seems bonkers (to me) to give up a consistent, stable job that leaves him free in the evenings and at weekends for the sake of doing his "fair share" of the school run three days a week.

The OP has said this already - it is not some incredibly fancy complex working pattern which would help...

But that's assuming he finds a 9-5 that will allow him to drop at nursery and time to get to work.

So a 9-5 needs to be close enough to do it.

Being able to do it in one job, doesn't mean you can do it in all jobs even if the hours are the same.

I agree above, a man saying he can't cope doing 3 school runs, despite being lucky enough to have a flexible job and wants his wife to change jobs to do it, would be told to suck it up.

@Classicblunder

If a man suggested his wife change jobs because he found the school run too stressful, he would be slaughtered

That isn't the point - it is that she has had to change her working hours because he has changed his and he has no plans to look for work which would help him to take anything approaching equal responsibility for his kids.

But he didn't have a choice! He lost his job due to COVID - he didn't decide to pick a job with awkward hours - he needed to work and took a job that he dislikes because there are bills to be paid.

And the school run is a TINY part of raising kids. Loads of parents don't or can't do school runs, it doesn't mean they're selfish or bad parents who aren't taking responsibility.

My dad did all the school runs when I was growing up because my mum worked an inflexible job - does that mean she didn't take equal responsibility for me?

That isn't the point - it is that she has had to change her working hours because he has changed his and he has no plans to look for work which would help him to take anything approaching equal responsibility for his kids

Not doing 3 school runs a week is not, not doing your fair share.

He didn't change his hours. He lost his job in a pandemic and got another one.

Op says she has flexibility. If a man had flexibility he would be expect to exercise it.

I just don't get how anyone can see this as unreasonable

Imagine it the other way round

‘my husband is on paternity leave, when he goes back to work it’s part time and flexible. I work full time 8-5, get home and make him and the kids dinner, bath the kids and read stories. I do my fair share of cleaning and housework and am a hands on mum at the weekend.
DH wants me to quit my secure job despite losing my last job due to covid so I can do the school run 3x a week as he finds it difficult.’

Does that really seem fair to you?

Op has avoided saying why he doesn't do pick ups.

So I am guessing he does.