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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is DH selfish

139 replies

Iamasingingtelegram · 05/02/2022 12:24

DH works 8-5 in a low paid job. He doesn’t like the job particularly and the says the company is awful, but he works with friends so likes that.
We have 3 small children, oldest due to start school this year.
He can’t help with getting them ready in the morning, getting them to nursery if they are going, picking them up, doing tea etc. when he gets home he helps with bath and bed.
My maternity leave finishes soon and I’ll have to work my hours around school and nursery.
For the same salary (or probably higher) he could work an hour less a day and be more help with the kids. He might even get flexible hours or work from home options (no chance in current job).
I never wanted life to be like this, where I do so much of the childcare. I’d always hoped for more balance. However he is working full time so I get it falls to me as I’m on maternity. But even when I go back it will still fall to me and because my job is more flexible I will have to make it flex.
I’ve told him I’m not enjoying things at the moment. Got a young baby who cries a lot, a wilful toddler and a four year old who wants a lot of attention. I’m often reduced to tears with frustration in getting out in the morning, not to mention feeling so down about the constant housework and mum admin.
His job is going nowhere and has no perks. I think he should look for something else, AIBU?

OP posts:

Tohaveandtohold · 05/02/2022 19:39

I can’t see what he has done wrong here either. He works and the times he’s not working, he does his fair share of the household tasks.
The op wants him to find a 9-5 job which is not easy to go by in this climate especially if he’s not educated or skilled.
He needs to try to develop himself anyway but op just needs to be realistic as he may get a 9-5 job and it might include some weekend work, it may be at a distance making it impossible to do the school run, etc.
The morning in the three days you work will be tricky for both of you no matter what because you have three children under 4, you just need to be realistic in your expectations.

TrufflesAndToast · 05/02/2022 19:39

I’m not trying to be horrible or unhelpful but honestly, three children under four when you’re on low incomes is a lot for anyone to deal with. Did you not discuss the balance of work/childcare etc before each subsequent baby? If you’re unhappy with him not doing drop offs, what was decided before you decided to have a third baby? If you want things to be more equal then you would work full time as well - if you do three days to his full time and your job is flexible then I’m struggling to see why you wouldn’t do the drop offs etc. Three children especially that close in age was always going to be insanely hard work and I’m not surprised you’re struggling to get ready in the morning but I can’t help thinking did you not expect that when you already had two and went for a third?! What plans were made then?

Not trying to be a twat honestly and I know the kids are here now etc etc I’m just always a bit baffled when people with several kids and a low income seem surprised things are hard!

TrufflesAndToast · 05/02/2022 19:44

@Classicblunder

I really despair at the low standards for men. Apparently it's "plenty" that he helps after work, totally impossible to find a low paid job with perfectly standard not especially flexible hours like 9-5. If the OP decided to do that and leave her DH to figure out the childcare that he has also had a year to think about, no one would tell him that she did plenty and to stop whining

He has a stable full time job which he enjoys and works full time as the main earner. His hours aren’t that unusual, it’s not like he works nights or something. It also means he’s around plenty at the end of the day. Lots of full time working partners barely make it home before kids are in bed.

If a woman was being told by her part time working husband to leave the stable full time job that she enjoys and which supports her family, because he wanted her to do more school runs (while continuing to work part time himself) he would be handed his arse on here.

If the Op wants to tell her husband to figure out childcare himself he would be well within his rights to tell her to figure out meeting half of all household and living costs herself.

MN is usually very pro women but many posters are pointing out that this one is pretty unreasonable.

Classicblunder · 05/02/2022 19:45

@Chichimcgee

I just don't get how anyone can see this as unreasonable

Imagine it the other way round

‘my husband is on paternity leave, when he goes back to work it’s part time and flexible. I work full time 8-5, get home and make him and the kids dinner, bath the kids and read stories. I do my fair share of cleaning and housework and am a hands on mum at the weekend.
DH wants me to quit my secure job despite losing my last job due to covid so I can do the school run 3x a week as he finds it difficult.’

Does that really seem fair to you?

But it's not accurate?

In two ways

Firstly, she isn't asking him to quit, just apply for jobs that work better around family life, which she herself has done

Secondly, she has had to change her working hours to accommodate his - this has likely come at some cost to her career prospects which may well from the sounds of things be better than his

WorriedGiraffe · 05/02/2022 19:45

Is your job higher paid? You only work part time but want him to cut his hours more so that he can do drop offs even though your job is flexible enough to allow it. I think YABU, I get it’s hard, but that’s because your have 3 small children so it’s hard no matter what you do. There’s a lot to be said for not job jumping when he already lost a job due to the pandemic, and he already does his fair share whenever he’s home, and he works more hours than you. It all sounds pretty evenly split to me.

mummykel16 · 05/02/2022 19:45

@Chichimcgee

I just don't get how anyone can see this as unreasonable

Imagine it the other way round

Does that really seem fair to you?

It's selfish.

WorriedGiraffe · 05/02/2022 19:48

Firstly, she isn't asking him to quit, just apply for jobs that work better around family life, which she herself has done

How’s that not asking him to quit? She’s not asking him to get a second job is she?

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 05/02/2022 19:52

Firstly, she isn't asking him to quit, just apply for jobs that work better around family life, which she herself has done

He already works a job that fits around family life. He is around every single evening and all weekend. 8-5 is a standard working day for millions of full-time working parents up and down the country.

Secondly, she has had to change her working hours to accommodate his - this has likely come at some cost to her career prospects which may well from the sounds of things be better than his

But he had no choice but to change his hours in the first place. He lost his job and with three young children, he needed to work and couldn't afford to be fussy.

And she didn't have to change her hours - she could also go and work full-time and put the DC in full-time childcare, the same as millions of other dual-income households do.

Chichimcgee · 05/02/2022 19:53

Secondly, she has had to change her working hours to accommodate his

Nowhere has she said this. At the end of the day most people have to sacrifice for the kids, op doesn’t want to do majority of childcare but decided to have 3 children very close together. How is 3 school runs a week going to make any difference?

The fact he comes home, cooks dinner and spends time with his kids essentially means he doesn’t stop 8am-8pm (assuming 8pm bedtime) op said he does a lot at the weekend. Is it really worth disrupting a secure job and making him do even more? It seems to me that OP should be doing more, not him.

mummykel16 · 05/02/2022 19:54

Are you jealous he works with friends op?

Classicblunder · 05/02/2022 19:54

@Iamasingingtelegram

I’ll go back three days a week but will have to do all getting ready, drop off and pick up so will have to stretch my hours across more days.

What id like is for DH to apply for jobs that have fewer hours (eg 9-5) and/or WFH and/or flexible hour options.

His current role would never allow for a change in his hours.

Here is where she said she is having to change her hours to stretch them over more days because he can't do drop offs any more

Original poster

Iamasingingtelegram · 05/02/2022 19:58

DD1 in preschool until 3:30. That’s what time it closes. DS in nursery until 3:45 to sync. DD2 at home.

My hope would be something like that if DH didn’t start til 9 he could do drop offs on days what I work. I could then start really early to then get away early to do pick ups.

OP posts:

Staffy1 · 05/02/2022 19:58

I think YABU. It’s not just that easy to change jobs and I would resent it if someone expected me to look around for a different job for their sake.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 05/02/2022 19:59

Here is where she said she is having to change her hours to stretch them over more days because he can't do drop offs any more

But she's still only working part-time to his full-time, so why shouldn't she be doing more of the school runs?

If she doesn't want that stress/responsibility, she could always go back full-time and the DC could be in full-time childcare. Plenty of childminders start at 7am to accommodate full-time working parents, or they could employ a part-time nanny or sitter to do mornings and evenings.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 05/02/2022 19:59

@Iamasingingtelegram

DD1 in preschool until 3:30. That’s what time it closes. DS in nursery until 3:45 to sync. DD2 at home.

My hope would be something like that if DH didn’t start til 9 he could do drop offs on days what I work. I could then start really early to then get away early to do pick ups.

Can they not go to a childminder?

mummykel16 · 05/02/2022 20:00

He must have lost his job just as baby was due/born, I bet he panicked and was grateful to do a job he doesn't like.

I bet op was grateful too at the time

Bintymcbintface · 05/02/2022 20:00

@classicblunder that didnt make sense to me, its either 3 days or it isn't...

WorriedGiraffe · 05/02/2022 20:00

@Iamasingingtelegram

DD1 in preschool until 3:30. That’s what time it closes. DS in nursery until 3:45 to sync. DD2 at home.

My hope would be something like that if DH didn’t start til 9 he could do drop offs on days what I work. I could then start really early to then get away early to do pick ups.

Sounds like you need to find childcare that runs later and works for your jobs rather than making your husband quit his job. Were will the youngest be once your back at work?

Chichimcgee · 05/02/2022 20:01

Here is where she said she is having to change her hours to stretch them over more days

Because he lost his job, got a new one which he doesn’t like to support his family who clearly don’t appreciate everything he does. You make out that he quit his job, started working away for weeks at a time and doesn’t contribute!

1 parent works full time.
The other part time with flexible hours. It’s not rocket science to see that the part time parent should do the majority of childcare and household jobs etc

Chichimcgee · 05/02/2022 20:03

Who has the baby at home when you’re working?

Disneyblueeyes · 05/02/2022 20:11

YABU, I think.
If you're going to be part time and flexible, then yes, you'll be doing the majority of it. That's why you're part time.

Your hubby is probably feeling similar. He's doing quite alot really.

Justtobeclear · 05/02/2022 20:13

I think he’s doing a fair amount. You say your work is flexible and you are part time so it makes sense you will do the 3 drop offs a week. I think you also need to realise that WFH means just that - you wouldn’t be able to ask him to help just because he’s present in the home and he’ll likely need space to have a proper set up which I doubt you have. If he moves to flexible working he’ll have to make the time up elsewhere or lose pay. So then you’ll likely get less help in the evenings and possibly even lose weekend time.

Original poster

Iamasingingtelegram · 05/02/2022 20:16

@mummykel16

He must have lost his job just as baby was due/born, I bet he panicked and was grateful to do a job he doesn't like.

I bet op was grateful too at the time

No, was a year before. Yes, was very grateful.

OP posts:

Sometimeswinning · 05/02/2022 20:17

Did he lack ambition before you married him? If so then you ABU to expect any different tbh.

That'd sad. People have to change when life changes. It shouldn't always be on one person.

AlDanvers · 05/02/2022 20:20

Whetr is the baby going when you go back to work?

I am guessing you would have worked flexibly before this MAT leave? To accommodate these hours?

Sounds like you need a child minder. At least until this is sorted.

On days where both people in a couple work, most people have to have their kids in child care until 5-6pm.

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