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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is DH selfish

139 replies

Iamasingingtelegram · 05/02/2022 12:24

DH works 8-5 in a low paid job. He doesn’t like the job particularly and the says the company is awful, but he works with friends so likes that.
We have 3 small children, oldest due to start school this year.
He can’t help with getting them ready in the morning, getting them to nursery if they are going, picking them up, doing tea etc. when he gets home he helps with bath and bed.
My maternity leave finishes soon and I’ll have to work my hours around school and nursery.
For the same salary (or probably higher) he could work an hour less a day and be more help with the kids. He might even get flexible hours or work from home options (no chance in current job).
I never wanted life to be like this, where I do so much of the childcare. I’d always hoped for more balance. However he is working full time so I get it falls to me as I’m on maternity. But even when I go back it will still fall to me and because my job is more flexible I will have to make it flex.
I’ve told him I’m not enjoying things at the moment. Got a young baby who cries a lot, a wilful toddler and a four year old who wants a lot of attention. I’m often reduced to tears with frustration in getting out in the morning, not to mention feeling so down about the constant housework and mum admin.
His job is going nowhere and has no perks. I think he should look for something else, AIBU?

OP posts:

Classicblunder · 05/02/2022 18:24

*But let's be fair - very few jobs allow people to do pick-ups and drop-offs and provide enough income to support a family of five. Unless you're really high up the scale (management and above) - you can generally pick one or the other - money or flexibility - it's rarely ever both.

Also, all OP has said is that she'll be working her hours around school and nursery - she doesn't say how much she earns (ie. is she the breadwinner or not) or even whether she'll be going back full-time.*

He doesn't have to support a family of 5, the OP also works, she is just on mat leave. And it's perfectly possible to work fairly standard hours and do some pick ups and drop offs - nursery is usually 8-6, ditto wraparound care.

The whole point of the OP is that she has to work her hours around the children because he is refusing to

Bintymcbintface · 05/02/2022 18:31

Why does everyone think that DH can just easily change his hours or find another job?! This he's selfish because he won't go flex-time/find another job is insane to me as really it isn't always that easy. If he lost the job he had because of covid he hasn't been in this role very long so it's unlikely that he can just start dictating his hour or requesting changes when OP has had a year to figure things out from her end

fuckoffjournalists · 05/02/2022 18:34

Really not good enough at all in your partner, and co-parent with as much responsibility for your shared children as you, he dosen’t need to help, he needs to do his share. He has the easy job here.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 05/02/2022 18:43

He doesn't have to support a family of 5, the OP also works, she is just on mat leave.

I know he doesn't do it alone, but generally you need two incomes to support three small children.

And it's perfectly possible to work fairly standard hours and do some pick ups and drop offs - nursery is usually 8-6, ditto wraparound care.

Absolutely, I never said otherwise. But it does depend on your job, your commute etc.

The whole point of the OP is that she has to work her hours around the children because he is refusing to

Refusing to or unable to? I don't know where all these jobs are that you can just demand flexible working and change your start/finish times to collect the children.

Many jobs are set hours and that's that - there is no other choice unless you change jobs.

StatisticallyChallenged · 05/02/2022 18:44

@Bintymcbintface

It's selfish because he isn't even willing to try; he's decided that he's happy, he's staying put, and therefore OP has to solve the issue and be responsible for all the morning running around whether she likes it or not.

Why is that ok? She's going to be back at work too, he's not supporting the family alone. Sometimes jobs are inflexible and especially if one person earns the majority of the household income then it has to be like this to make things work but if he's in a low paid role then (once OP return from mat leave) that's probably not the case.

If he was trying and couldn't find anything else then fair enough. But he isn't.

Classicblunder · 05/02/2022 18:47

Many jobs are set hours and that's that - there is no other choice unless you change jobs.

That is exactly what the OP is suggesting he do! This isn't a great well paid job, he doesn't even like it so why not look for a new one?

Original poster

Iamasingingtelegram · 05/02/2022 18:47

I’ll go back three days a week but will have to do all getting ready, drop off and pick up so will have to stretch my hours across more days.

What id like is for DH to apply for jobs that have fewer hours (eg 9-5) and/or WFH and/or flexible hour options.

His current role would never allow for a change in his hours.

OP posts:

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 05/02/2022 18:47

@Bintymcbintface

Because this is MN where anyone can just change jobs and working hours at the drop of a hat

It's bonkers. I've never, ever worked a job where you can just decide to change your hours so you can do the school run. The hours are set, or if you are allowed to change your times, you just lose pay - there's no TOIL or coming in early to make up for it.

RobertaFirmino · 05/02/2022 18:49

For the same salary (or probably higher) he could work an hour less a day and be more help with the kids. He might even get flexible hours or work from home options (no chance in current job)

None of this is guaranteed though. It's all 'he could, he might', not 'he will'. Of course, there is nothing to stop him from trying but it's in no way a cert.

In the meantime, what can you both do to make mornings easier? If DH did decide to look for a new job, it could take months. That's no use when you're being driven to tears. 3 under 5 is obviously going to be a complete nightmare but I'm sure there are plenty of mothers here who could tell you how they managed. There's a wealth of advice here on MN, all you need to do is ask!

Myhusbandisadick · 05/02/2022 18:49

He works a full day then helps in the evening. What do you want him to do exactly?

I think he should be able to choose his job as long as he's not being massively unreasonable!

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 05/02/2022 18:50

@Classicblunder

Many jobs are set hours and that's that - there is no other choice unless you change jobs.

That is exactly what the OP is suggesting he do! This isn't a great well paid job, he doesn't even like it so why not look for a new one?

But how many jobs are out there that a) pay well enough to help support a family of five and b) have the hours OP is after?

I'm not saying he shouldn't look, but I think you need to be realistic - lots of people don't have the skill se to apply for these well paying, flexible jobs.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 05/02/2022 18:51

@Iamasingingtelegram

I’ll go back three days a week but will have to do all getting ready, drop off and pick up so will have to stretch my hours across more days.

What id like is for DH to apply for jobs that have fewer hours (eg 9-5) and/or WFH and/or flexible hour options.

His current role would never allow for a change in his hours.

So is it only three mornings a week you'll need his help?

Original poster

Iamasingingtelegram · 05/02/2022 18:52

@FangsForTheMemory

Is he deliberately staying in his current job because it gives him an excuse for not doing his share of childcare?

I can’t be sure, and he’d never say so, but it is easier in many ways to go out to work!

OP posts:

RobertaFirmino · 05/02/2022 18:52

Forgot to add - with the amount of children and their ages being such hard work, it would be sensible to consider the timings of any additional DC (that's if you want any more, obvs.) and to double up on contraception so you're not stuck in this phase for longer/

Myhusbandisadick · 05/02/2022 18:53

Did you agree before you had children that you'd both work part time? Is that what you want, to both work part time and share the childcare equally?

Bintymcbintface · 05/02/2022 18:57

@fairylightsandwaxmelts it is absolutely bonkers!! Guy is in a full time job he hates, comes home and makes dinner, shares the household tasks and childcare and OP has the hump because he won't leave a secure job after already losing one in a dodgy job market after she has had the entirety of her mat leave to figure out her next move... "he won't even try!" after already losing a job through no fault of his own I'm not surprised he's not willing to move on from a secure one HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE. Fairyland much

AlDanvers · 05/02/2022 18:58

Op hasn't answered why he can't pick up on an evening.

If he is unable to finish at 5pm and then get to nursery before 6pm, then he is unlikey to be able to drop at 8am and get to work for 9am.

A 9-5 may not help here at all.

Although I don't think the op is looking for Any other answer than he needs to move jobs, as I think he does do his fair share. I think she specifically wants him there on mornings.

But, unfortunately sometimes when raising kidd, we have to do the shit bits because thata how it fits with life.

I always did mornings and (now ex) H did afternoons. Because I started at 10am and he started at 6am. But he, finished by 3pm for pick up.

I didn't get a relaxing morning even though I didn't start til 10. There wasn't enough time between school drop off and me starting work so I ended up at work early, everyday.

Exh couldn't come in and chill out, he had to leave work, pick up, get dinner on and do homework done and I would be home around then.

No point me moaning I had to do morning or him moaning about evenings. They were the shifts we worked and the only way we could do it.

Classicblunder · 05/02/2022 18:59

But how many jobs are out there that a) pay well enough to help support a family of five and b) have the hours OP is after?

His current job is low paid so his new one doesn't have to be well paid as the OP also works.

It also doesn't have to be amazingly flexible or anything - just 8:30 or 9 am starts would allow him to do some drop offs!

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 05/02/2022 19:00

[quote Bintymcbintface]@fairylightsandwaxmelts it is absolutely bonkers!! Guy is in a full time job he hates, comes home and makes dinner, shares the household tasks and childcare and OP has the hump because he won't leave a secure job after already losing one in a dodgy job market after she has had the entirety of her mat leave to figure out her next move... "he won't even try!" after already losing a job through no fault of his own I'm not surprised he's not willing to move on from a secure one HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE. Fairyland much[/quote]
I have to agree.

He does plenty IMO. Juggling childcare and school-runs with three small children is always going to be stressful but so is working 9 hours a day in a job you hate, coming home and doing evenings, bedtime and housework every single night.

AlDanvers · 05/02/2022 19:00

Again, why can't he do pick ups?

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 05/02/2022 19:01

@Classicblunder

But how many jobs are out there that a) pay well enough to help support a family of five and b) have the hours OP is after?

His current job is low paid so his new one doesn't have to be well paid as the OP also works.

It also doesn't have to be amazingly flexible or anything - just 8:30 or 9 am starts would allow him to do some drop offs!

She's only going back three days a week so unless she's very highly paid, he's the main earner.

Again, many jobs don't even allow you thirty minutes of flexibility, especially the lower paid ones. IME flexibility is only something that comes with experience and education.

Classicblunder · 05/02/2022 19:05

Again, many jobs don't even allow you thirty minutes of flexibility, especially the lower paid ones. IME flexibility is only something that comes with experience and education.

That is why he should apply for a job with different hours!!!!

AlDanvers · 05/02/2022 19:06

So he needs to find a job that pays the same or more, that's the same lower level work that also offers wfh AND flexibility. Even if it's wfh, without flexibility he can't guarantee to do the nursery run.

It also needs to wfh permentley or the days op is at work. If its the days she isn't it won't work.

I am guessing these jobs are few and far between.

oviraptor21 · 05/02/2022 19:06

Can OP get a 9-5 (or 8-5) job, increase the childcare and share the costs and the nursery drop-offs and pick-ups. There are many nurseries and childminders that will open from 7am to 6pm or later.

Nevilleslongbottom · 05/02/2022 19:07

He’s working a low paid 8-5. He’s not magically going to walk into a job which allows him loads of flexibility and more money.

If you only work 3 days a week and he helps you when he is at home then I think you’re being ridiculous.

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