AIBU or is DH selfish

[Iamasingingtelegram]

DH works 8-5 in a low paid job. He doesn’t like the job particularly and the says the company is awful, but he works with friends so likes that.
We have 3 small children, oldest due to start school this year.
He can’t help with getting them ready in the morning, getting them to nursery if they are going, picking them up, doing tea etc. when he gets home he helps with bath and bed.
My maternity leave finishes soon and I’ll have to work my hours around school and nursery.
For the same salary (or probably higher) he could work an hour less a day and be more help with the kids. He might even get flexible hours or work from home options (no chance in current job).
I never wanted life to be like this, where I do so much of the childcare. I’d always hoped for more balance. However he is working full time so I get it falls to me as I’m on maternity. But even when I go back it will still fall to me and because my job is more flexible I will have to make it flex.
I’ve told him I’m not enjoying things at the moment. Got a young baby who cries a lot, a wilful toddler and a four year old who wants a lot of attention. I’m often reduced to tears with frustration in getting out in the morning, not to mention feeling so down about the constant housework and mum admin.
His job is going nowhere and has no perks. I think he should look for something else, AIBU?

He is selfish because he is expecting OP to take on all the drop offs and pick ups and work her hours around that (which is very stressful with 3 under 6) , when he could swap to an equally well paid job that would enable him to do drop offs.

Surely that is obvious?

OP how easy would it be in reality for him to swap to a 9-5 job that pays the same? If he can do that no problem then really his is putting working with mates ahead of taking on his share of drop offs and pick ups . Which is not on when you are run ragged.

@Iamasingingtelegram

Doubt he’d want to be a SAHD. But I can’t judge that, I couldn’t be a SAHM. From when he gets home until the children are asleep he is helping (bath, story, cooking our tea - whatever combo is required. At the weekend he does contribute to housework and childcare.

So what do you want him to do? I honestly don’t understand.

So what do you want him to do? I honestly don’t understand.

Maybe make some effort to fit his work around a reasonable share of the commitments of parenting rather than making the OP do 100% of the work related juggling and compromising??

So what do you want him to do? I honestly don’t understand.

She wants him to move to a 9-5 job, I thought that was clear

Depends how easy it is to find a 9-5 job in the kind of work he does, 9-5 jobs these days aren’t easy to come by and hard to get, no harm in looking for something better while he’s working though 🤷🏻‍♀️

So he lost his job in covid. Not surprised he wants to stay where he is. New jobs are always precarious. If he already hates interviews and job hunting and recently lost a job, I can see why he feels like he does.

Can he do nursery pick up then it's 50:50? What time does the nursery open?

Taking time to apply and prepared for interviews, will take some time up on evenings or weekends. So for the time being, he would be spending less time doing less than he usually does.

What are your usual working hours? And is flexible working something that's readily available in your job?

It's hard to say because this can be taken several ways but I had a similar experience so I can only comment with that. Exdh (yep you can see where this is going ) has never been ambitious and when dc were born he left the house at 5 am and returned at 8pm. If I was lucky but it was in a role that was low paid which meant I also needed to work full time to help support us. Fine in theory.

However as time passed it became more and more obvious that exdh stayed in that role from inertia. He could easily have got one with shorter hours and higher pay. He is good at what he does without question. He didn't like his job but wouldn't ever actually do anything about it.

It ultimately came to the fact he knew I was drowning taking on all the home responsibilities and working full time but his inertia and refusal to take any form of change were far more important than the fact I was drowning. Whilst there were absolutely other issues. Its a big part of the reason he is exdh. Rather than take any action that might temporarily disrupt his routine he would rather watch his wife drown. So exdh he became (among many other reasons granted).

A couple of years after we split his company sold and he ended up being forced to get the said lower hours better paid job. I don't hate Exdh so it was Incredibly heartbreaking to see him realise that he had partly thrown his family away over something he ended up doing anyway and loving. He's profusely apologised and taken absolute responsibility for it now.

Unfortunately for him it was far too little far too late. However I do empathise. I have no suggestions because obviously my result was to divorce which is quite extreme. I did just want to reassure you I get how frustrating it is. Its not really about the hours etc it's about him prioritising his routine and comfort when you are drowning. That is soul destroying.

I think the thing is OP has he actually been offered another job? Or gave you just seen something you think he could do with those hours? It is difficuktcwith young children if you both work pretty much full time and he seems to do far more than most husbands I know . You would resent it just as much I feel if he was better paid but home at 7pm every night, which is also common— be honest — is this about money or more about time??

If he enjoys his job, you're financially okay and he helps out with the children in the time he does, I honestly see the issue. Jobs are mental health killers, and finding something you're remotely okay in with decent colleagues can be really difficult.

He is selfish because he is expecting OP to take on all the drop offs and pick ups and work her hours around that (which is very stressful with 3 under 6) , when he could swap to an equally well paid job that would enable him to do drop offs.

What is this dream job that allows employees to pick their hours and be available for drop offs and pick ups, while simultaneously paying enough money to support a family of five?

Why do people not discuss those things BEFORE having 2-3 kids, all under 5 and mother at wits end?

I don't know any job that would involve fewer hours than 8-5.
He willingly helps at the weekend too. And if your eldest DC goes to afterschool club, he will be able to pick her up after school.

I don't think his hours are a problem, it's having three under 5s.

The money is a different conversation.

What is this dream job that allows employees to pick their hours and be available for drop offs and pick ups, while simultaneously paying enough money to support a family of five?

How is this impossible for a man but the OP can find one?

Is he deliberately staying in his current job because it gives him an excuse for not doing his share of childcare?

It’s not ‘childcare’ or ‘helping’ it’s parenting and as much his responsibility as yours.

As he’s a low earner, unwilling to seek to earn more, it’s even more important than it usually is for mothers that you maximise your earnings. Often, reducing or ‘flexing’ hours leads to negative impact on career and earnings. So would look for good childcare and work full time.

If he has alternative job options that would mean he could cover the parenting (including drop offs or pick ups) one end of the weekdays, or some of them, then yes, he’s behaviour is selfish.

@Classicblunder

What is this dream job that allows employees to pick their hours and be available for drop offs and pick ups, while simultaneously paying enough money to support a family of five?

How is this impossible for a man but the OP can find one?

I didn't say it was impossible though, did I?

But let's be fair - very few jobs allow people to do pick-ups and drop-offs and provide enough income to support a family of five. Unless you're really high up the scale (management and above) - you can generally pick one or the other - money or flexibility - it's rarely ever both.

Also, all OP has said is that she'll be working her hours around school and nursery - she doesn't say how much she earns (ie. is she the breadwinner or not) or even whether she'll be going back full-time.

With three small children, unless someone earns big money, you generally have to sacrifice someone's career somewhere, or the childcare costs are going to totally cripple you.

@billy1966

It's selfish because he swans out the door to a low paying job and will leave the OP to get 3 children out the door and she has to work around all drops and pick ups.

It's selfish because he could get a job that helped more with the drops and collections of 3 children.

It is selfish because he is staying in a badly paid job because of friends.

Taking on a job you hate after losing one isn't selfish, nor is finding a silver lining by making friends and staying because of them in a really volatile job market. He's working full time and supporting his family and taking on the household tasks and dc when he's home. Nursery pick up and drop off, many struggle with this, why are DC in nursery when OP has been on mat leave and home anyway? I still don't see the selfishness, it sounds like op resents the low paid job DH has and thinks that her job is more important

Well if it is the better paid job, it is important.

She is returning to work and is clearly struggling with the stress of it all.

He IS being selfish if he remains in a low paying job which doesn't allow him to share the parenting load.

His wife is struggling and the thought of returning to work and carrying the stress of every bit of childcare when there could be an easier way is stressing her further.

He is selfish if he refuses to explore options.

Or is being flexible only the job of the woman.

Who's job pays the most, and by how much OP?

@Mummytobe93

Why do people not discuss those things BEFORE having 2-3 kids, all under 5 and mother at wits end?

This 100%!

What did you expect if you had so many children.

He isn't staying in the job to avoid doing the drop off and pick ups. He is staying cos whilst he might hate the actual work being in company of people he enjoys for 8hrs of the working day makes it bearable.

There are times I've stayed in a job because of people, lets face it in my experience its the same shit different door when you change jobs. Better for his mental health if he is working with people he enjoys.

He comes home and does his share.

Maybe next time you decide to have another child have a discussion about it and how you'll manage your time and finances.

He used to work 9-5 until covid and he lost his job. I think yabu. The only thing that's changed is he cant help on a morning. You would have still had to do pick ups and dinner.

You say he comes home and mucks in with dinner and getting kids ready for bed etc.

If you want more help then you pay for daycare and afterschool care like most other parents who both work full time

@billy1966

Well if it is the better paid job, it is important.

She is returning to work and is clearly struggling with the stress of it all.

He IS being selfish if he remains in a low paying job which doesn't allow him to share the parenting load.

His wife is struggling and the thought of returning to work and carrying the stress of every bit of childcare when there could be an easier way is stressing her further.

He is selfish if he refuses to explore options.

Or is being flexible only the job of the woman.

Who's job pays the most, and by how much OP?

Where are you all where its possible to walk out of one job and into a super flexible better paid one so easily?!

I hate my job but have a home to pay for and ds to provide for, it's not the best paid job in the world but others out there need years of experience or a degree I don't have. OP states that she didn't expect DH to be a high earner which would imply he doesn't have a degree or experience in a skilled field so his options are limited too. I'd get it if DH was out of work and not mucking in but being out at work all day and coming home and making dinner, tending to the kids and other household tasks isn't selfish at all. OP has been on mat leave so has presumably had a year to work this out, being annoyed DH won't move out of a secure "low paid" job imo is more selfish than staying put when he has limited options himself

Yep, if he can do a different but similarly ok job for the same money and better hours then he needs to do that. Just tell him - if neither of you are high earners then you need to work in a way that works for the whole family. If you are a significantly higher earner then if anything working hours should swing in your favour.

It might be selfishness/unwillingness to pick up more domestic work, might also be anxiety/lack of confidence in applying for something new? - so approach in a little tactfully, but be very firm.

Well if it is the better paid job, it is important.

Absolutely, so she needs to clarify that.

He IS being selfish if he remains in a low paying job which doesn't allow him to share the parenting load.

From what I've read, the only thing he doesn't/can't do is help in the mornings. OP has said he does his fair share of housework, after school jobs, bedtimes and weekends.

Not everyone has the means to get a job that's well-paid with lots of flexibility. It doesn't make them selfish.

His wife is struggling and the thought of returning to work and carrying the stress of every bit of childcare when there could be an easier way is stressing her further.

But we don't know if there's an easier way - theoretically, there may be, but you have to be realistic. Very few people can just walk into a new job that's well-paid and flexible.

Childcare may be stressful but so is working full-time and supporting your family. I don't think playing stress top-trumps is helpful, really, especially as OP does say he does his fair share outside of work.

He is selfish if he refuses to explore options.

Is he? Should he do a job that makes him miserable so that OP has help for five hours a week?

Or is being flexible only the job of the woman.

I don't think anyone has said that, have they?

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

Well if it is the better paid job, it is important.

Absolutely, so she needs to clarify that.

He IS being selfish if he remains in a low paying job which doesn't allow him to share the parenting load.

From what I've read, the only thing he doesn't/can't do is help in the mornings. OP has said he does his fair share of housework, after school jobs, bedtimes and weekends.

Not everyone has the means to get a job that's well-paid with lots of flexibility. It doesn't make them selfish.

His wife is struggling and the thought of returning to work and carrying the stress of every bit of childcare when there could be an easier way is stressing her further.

But we don't know if there's an easier way - theoretically, there may be, but you have to be realistic. Very few people can just walk into a new job that's well-paid and flexible.

Childcare may be stressful but so is working full-time and supporting your family. I don't think playing stress top-trumps is helpful, really, especially as OP does say he does his fair share outside of work.

He is selfish if he refuses to explore options.

Is he? Should he do a job that makes him miserable so that OP has help for five hours a week?

Or is being flexible only the job of the woman.

I don't think anyone has said that, have they?

Thank you for putting what I was trying to say much more eloquently than I have managed to

*Or is being flexible only the job of the woman.

I don't think anyone has said that, have they?*

It's pretty strongly implied - if the OP should be happy doing all the pickups and dropoffs because he helps when he gets home, that is her doing all the flexibility