AIBU or is DH selfish

[Iamasingingtelegram]

DH works 8-5 in a low paid job. He doesn’t like the job particularly and the says the company is awful, but he works with friends so likes that.
We have 3 small children, oldest due to start school this year.
He can’t help with getting them ready in the morning, getting them to nursery if they are going, picking them up, doing tea etc. when he gets home he helps with bath and bed.
My maternity leave finishes soon and I’ll have to work my hours around school and nursery.
For the same salary (or probably higher) he could work an hour less a day and be more help with the kids. He might even get flexible hours or work from home options (no chance in current job).
I never wanted life to be like this, where I do so much of the childcare. I’d always hoped for more balance. However he is working full time so I get it falls to me as I’m on maternity. But even when I go back it will still fall to me and because my job is more flexible I will have to make it flex.
I’ve told him I’m not enjoying things at the moment. Got a young baby who cries a lot, a wilful toddler and a four year old who wants a lot of attention. I’m often reduced to tears with frustration in getting out in the morning, not to mention feeling so down about the constant housework and mum admin.
His job is going nowhere and has no perks. I think he should look for something else, AIBU?

Baby will go to nursery when I go back to work.

Will look into childminder options.

If you have a 4 year old and a toddler surely this has been the situation for a while now? Or do you think it’s having a baby that’s made it feel like too much?

If he worked 9-5pm how does he get the 4 year old to preschool?

Surely the 4 year old want in preschool when he had his last job?

Is the 4 year old at preschool all day, or is it half days? And where are they the other half days?

What time will drop off actually be?

@Sometimeswinning

Did he lack ambition before you married him? If so then you ABU to expect any different tbh.

That'd sad. People have to change when life changes. It shouldn't always be on one person.

Hmm, yes people do have to change, but you can't fundamentally change who someone is. Not everyone is ambitious and not everyone wants to (or is able to) improve at work.

The reality is, lots of people will be "stuck" in poorly paid jobs for life for a whole variety of reasons and there's nothing wrong with that, even if they are parents.

He works full-time to provide for his family, even though he's in a job he says he dislikes, and people are still slating him.

@Iamasingingtelegram

Baby will go to nursery when I go back to work.

Will look into childminder options.

This is good - it makes MUCH more sense to put the DC in childcare than it does to expect the only full-time worker to change jobs for the sake of three school runs each week.

No, was a year before.
Yes, was very grateful.

So when you found out you had got pregnant

It's not easy to just get a 9-5 job working in the same direction as your DC's school so that he can drop them off on his way to work. .

And I have to echo other peoples posts .... surely you discuss this sort of thing before committing to three DC under 5?

@mummykel16

No, was a year before. Yes, was very grateful.

So when you found out you had got pregnant

No. Finding out I was pregnant came 4 months after he began his current job.

He did well then with all the lockdowns

Sounds like you’re trying to work three full days without having proper childcare for that in place. Finishing in time to do school hours pick ups isn't a full days work. You need to either work your three days across four or five and do the mid afternoon pick ups or organise childcare that actually lasts the whole day and work three days.

Not trying to be mean, of course it would be wonderful if you could work three days a week and still stop mid afternoon to pick up your kids and still have all your days off in full but it’s not massively realistic is it?

It sounds to me like you have perhaps underestimated the enormity of three kids so close in age while keeping a job going and not having full days childcare cover for your working days. I don’t think that your husband changing jobs to accommodate you starting at something like 7am is the answer here OP.

Also confused because you said in your OP it’s too hard to get everyone out on time solo and you want help with that but now it sounds like what you actually want us for your husband to do it solo so you can start work earlier and still finish up at 3pm?

Either way, I maintain you’re being unrealistic in trying to make your work slot around school hours and still keep all your full days off. Work three days and sort proper childcare or accept you work more days!

You need to put the two older children into a preschool/nursery that is open until 6 or 7 pm. Problem solved.

You have three young children but you're fed up of child care. It baffles me sometimes when people have children and seem to expect their lives not to change.

YABU.

@Iamasingingtelegram

DD1 in preschool until 3:30. That’s what time it closes. DS in nursery until 3:45 to sync. DD2 at home.

My hope would be something like that if DH didn’t start til 9 he could do drop offs on days what I work. I could then start really early to then get away early to do pick ups.

Most people that I know can't change their hours to do 3.45 pm pick ups. They have to use a childminder, nursery with longer hours etc to bring them to normal finish times of 5 - 6.

I think you are approaching this entirely the wrong way.

You're not wrong for wanting a schedule that works for you and your job. And also not wrong for discussing overall finances with DH, in terms of jobs.

But you are putting it all on him & his job / hours. When it is much more about you jointly working out the dynamics.

I agree being under pressure to do every drop off & pick up is hard. But you are being unreasonable to put this solely as your DH fault.

You have expectations that aren't typical regarding childcare & work.

Yes, childcare until 5or6 pm is standard on working days.

Your career and earnings are already likely to be impeded by working PT: seeking to finish so early every day you work will compound that.