To ask what you’re doing awake post-midnight? Part 2: Insomnia Strikes Back

[5YearsLeft]

Bit awkward to start this in the middle of the day, but I wanted to be able to link it on the old thread before it completely fills. Meanwhile, even though right now it’s not post-midnight, if you’re having a day-after hangover from insomnia, feel free to post. Whether it’s from poorly children or babies or pets or OHs, whether it’s grief or fear or anxiety or other losses, whether it’s work stress or home stress or just LIFE stress, we get it. You’re not yelling into the void; you’re sharing with people who have been stuck wide awake, too.

Welcome @alwaysscared

My 12 year old has asd, doesn’t sleep and is always in with me. He also doesn’t go to school. It’s difficult to say the least isn’t it

I’m a bit nervous as I’m wrapping up at work and my manager seems really angry at me at the moment. Various reasons mean I have to walk away from a job that once upon a time I enjoyed.

@Chichimcgee it really is, it's so hard to see your child like this and not be able to do anything

@Chichimcgee - I like that as I do feel like a puddle of goo most days! Well my brain does - I feel like I don’t have any space to process anything new! I’m on the edge of losing my s**t with my daughters arrogant GP, sick to death of chasing social workers - whilst I totally understand the crises that the whole system is under it’s not right I’ve been waiting since October.

I’m angry with everything and lots of people - anger is horrible.

@alwaysscared

It is, is there anything he’s particularly worried about?
I told my son he didn’t have to go back to school and that really helped, he wasn’t always on edge waiting for that battle. He’s going through a lot right now so I’m letting him have all the screen time he wants and to stay up as late as he wants because it’s a crazy situation for him to be him.
It’s not an ideal long term solution but when we’re settled with our own place I’m hoping the anxiety of everything going on will ease and we can get back into a normal routine .

I have struggled all my life with sleeping. Was just nodding off a little while ago and a bloody fox is trotting up and down the street screaming 😭

@Spitspotsput it sucks that you have to leave a job you enjoyed

@RandomMess Foxes are so loud and the noise disturbs me as it sounds like a distressed babies cry.

@Chichimcgee he doesn't engage when we try and talk to him about his anxiety. He just clams up. During this crisis period we haven't restricted screens at all, try to get him to do some homeschool (nigh on impossible) but we have stripped all other demands. I would just like one night in my bed alone! My DH sleeps in the spare room, has done for years due to co-sleeping and my snoring 😳

@KTyoupigeon

It’s horrible isn’t it because if you missed an appointment they’d be ringing social services but they can leave you for months trying to deal with everything on your own.

I’m considering suing for medical negligence when I can, hundreds of gp appointments for my son over 9 years. Moved counties and because we were fobbed off and nothing done for 9 years he now is incontinent, has had surgery and needs a stoma, ended up admitted to hospital several times, has to have monthly x rays and weekly check ups. All because at no point over the first 9 years did anyone actually help. I don’t hold out much hope though and it’s not a battle I have the strength for at the moment but I’m still so angry that I want to do it.

@jowly Me too. I do hope her not being here means she’s resting and not that things are too busy in an awful way.

@KTyoupigeon Oh no, don’t ever be sorry for the ramble! You’re in good company. What a terrible amount on your shoulders, and if you’re trying to chase down just about everyone, it’s no wonder that you’re too tired to chase sleep down, too. It sounds like you have such a mixed storm - such terrible loss (and I’m sure CPR was beyond traumatizing; they say if it’s not, then you’re doing it wrong) and then worries about your ill children (regardless of age) and trying to sort out what’s left from your parents and… just everything. It sounds exhausting and stressful and lonely. Even if you can’t sleep, I hope you get a few hours at night to set it all down, to just lay in your bed or sit somewhere comfortable and spend at least a little while doing something YOU enjoy doing. It’s the very, very, very least of what you deserve for soldiering on through all of this. A book or TV program or magazine or knitting or just something for you and only you. And I do hope that tomorrow, even though you have to pick the whole load back up again, that at least a few more people do what they should and a few more things fall into place.

@coroico97 I beg to differ, having once been stuck in the loo what certainly FELT like all night from pain, ha. But sigh. Poor you! I do hope you find some position, any position, that isn’t the loo and gives you some relief.

@dobedodo Oh no. Who wouldn’t be sad and fed up? Falling out is an awful feeling. It makes you feel sort of sick to your stomach and just so tired. And it sounds like you’ve been doing it a lot, if you’re reaching the end of your tether. Only you know if your relationship is salvageable, but don’t let it become a pattern of falling out - your life is too short and you deserve to be happy, either together or separately. I wish you the very best of luck sorting it out, and I really do hope you can get some sleep and maybe it will help make things clearer.

@alwaysscared my son doesn’t either, I don’t know if it’s because he can’t express how he feels? So it’s like a guessing game.
For what it’s worth my son was excluded at 6, we home educated for 4 years. Did no formal school work at all. Watched interesting films, followed any interests he had, went to museums and the park (all the other kids at school - it was brilliant!) at 10 I got him into school, they assessed him and he was above or where he should be in everything but spelling so I really wouldn’t worry if he doesn’t want to do school work, his mental health is more important. I think we spent nearly a year just playing Xbox, it’s like he needed to recover from school.

I’m back in the club 😒 my GP gave me sleeping pills to try and kick start my sleeping pattern. 3 nights on 3 nights off and I’m on my 3rd night off. Last two nights went okay but tonight just isn’t happening for me.
Think it might be nerves though. I have an appointment at the gynae department at the hospital tomorrow that ive been waiting for since pre pandemic about my periods (or lack thereof) and I’m v worried about it! GP reckons they’ll do an internal and other than my smear (which was so painful I cried) ive never had one so I don’t really know what to expect

@ImNotDancing I really hope it’s nothing too bad bless you, I was given tablets to bring my period on and had a scan, I would have hated to have an internal

Morning all. I apologise in advance if I type occasional gibberish - the cat is lying on me and keeps putting her paw on the screen 🐈‍⬛

I went to visit my very dear and very poorly relative today. Both uplifting (as she and her DH are so much in love after 60+ years together), and heartbreaking to see her so poorly, with the end probably not far away and with more suffering to come.

I've been shedding a bit of weight recently (to fit back into clothes ) but came straight home and opened wine and ate cheese. Life is for living, and wine for drinking.

In common with @Spitspotsput im exiting from a once loved, and now toxic, job this week. Sad but also exciting and terrify for the future.

So brain is whirring, cat is purring, DH is sleeping and I'm typing. No sign of sleep yet.

So many people on here struggling with difficulties which make me admire and be astonished at your resilience, coping and strength. Seriously, women are really something special ,and you lot the best of them. Power to each and every one of you holding yourselves and your families together, moving forward day after day, night after night in pain, without sleep. You are awesome 😎

@Chichimcgee I’m so very sorry to read about your son - it’s no wonder you are still angry. It’s life changing for you both and yes someone should be held accountable if they’ve made mistakes through neglect - so I do get that. Anger is such a horrible emotion to have and for so long. I don’t know how to let go of anger though - is there every a time you find peace with things that have happened in the past when they have such an effect on your present and future?

@5YearsLeft thank you. I don’t know what I enjoy anymore and feel guilty when I stop for a short while as i am so aware there is so much to do and some of it time sensitive.

@Chichimcgee thank you ❤️ one of my good friends is coming with me and I’m going to insist he be allowed to wait with me tbh - I don’t know if I’ll be able to cope waiting alone

@alwaysscared Oh gosh, what an incredibly difficult situation. I can’t even imagine. And I’m sure dealing with that as a progressive situation (he has anxiety, then won’t engage with school, was a picky eater, but then his eating completely nosedives) is even more difficult as it makes you feel so helpless. I do hope maybe the ASD diagnosis will help a bit as the “professionals” involved will now understand that this is a “real” situation, as I think sometimes when it’s under 10 or 12 or 13, they often dismiss situations as “just anxious” or “just a picky eater” when YOU know how serious it is and you’re screaming out for help. I know it’s already February so it probably feels like the wheels to help him, since diagnosis was Christmas, are turning so, so slowly, but I know services are also cut to the bone (which is awful in itself and heartbreaking), so don’t give up yet, even if it feels like you’re about to crack (and who could blame you?!?). Unfortunately, I can’t pretend you may not have to fight for that help, but… sigh. Think about it tomorrow. Not tonight. Tonight, just focus on trying to get the two of you settled and maybe getting a bit of sleep for yourself. I’ll send as many sleepy vibes as I can. Everything is so, so much harder without sleep, as many of us know, so I hope you can get even one extra hour. And I wish you the very, very best of luck with it all. We never know what’s around the corner, what might help, what will work - hopefully, with the right anxiety treatment, you might have your bed to yourself by next Christmas. Keep hope alive.

@Spitspotsput Well, that’s a dreadful feeling! You already have to leave a job you really enjoy, and now on top of it, you have an angry boss. Well… you’re leaving, so their anger doesn’t really matter much longer, to be fair, though I’m sure it’s very stressful! But having to leave a job you like, that’s truly rough. I’m sorry you have to give it up - it’s a shame, and I hope whatever the reasons are, that they can be resolved at some point, and you’ll be able to return to, if not the same office, st least the same work. You deserve to be happy, and that means in your working life, too.

@RandomMess I have no idea what biological process designed the scream of a fox but I think at least part of its biological purpose HAS to be to get humans to mess their pants. I don’t know what the fox gains from this; maybe foxes just have a dark sense of humor? But there is nothing that sounds so much like a woman being murdered, not even an actual woman being murdered apparently (I’ve had a police officer assure me that the odds of someone doing that exact bloodcurdling scream were actually pretty low in his opinion).

@KTyoupigeon
Anger is horrible and I try not to think about it but when you’re having to clean up an incontinent, autistic pre-teen because he can’t do it himself it’s difficult. He has so much to cope with anyway that to add something that would have been entirely avoidable had he had the correct medication and support is heartbreaking. I suppose it’s just life though isn’t it, you trudge through and hope there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

@RandomMess

Where we used to live is quite rural, just fields and trees in front of the house, no street lights.
That first night, pitch black, deathly quiet, trying to settle in a new house….. then you hear the foxes scream and convince yourself that a dark field is obviously the perfect place for a murder and quick burial.

Where we are now is so different, the first night here it took me ages to figure out the noise I could hear was traffic 🤣

@ImNotDancing Oh, bless you! I’d be nervous too. I’ve actually been up sick once or twice when I’ve been so nervous before certain medical appointments. So an internal, honestly, is basically a wand that looks like a dildo. I’m not joking. It’s uncomfortable but there’s no “scraping” or stretching like with your smear. They may push in certain directions and that can be uncomfortable, but you should be okay. The one thing like the smear though is that yes, you do have to try to relax, which is about the most difficult thing in the world when someone is down there trying to do an exam on you and you’re sitting there, “lying back and thinking of England”!!! Just try to do anything that keeps you calm - think about something else, talk to the doctor while they’re doing it (about anything! Tell them you need a distraction!), count up by 7s, remember the plot of your favorite book, just anything that will distract you and hopefully, it will be over before you know it. Of course, if you’ve had problems with your period, obviously, there may be a reason your smear was so painful and it could make part of your internal uncomfortable, but that will help them find an answer, hopefully. I wish you all the luck in the world tomorrow at the appointment and I’m sure they’ll allow your friend with you! It’s none of their business whether he’s a friend or a DP or an ex or what.

@catwomando Really wise words! And réalisé your own special nature and power too… to visit your relative and come home and know it was time for wine and cheese! As strange as it may sound, that also is a gift. I’m sure there will be time for tears too; sometimes we have to balance our losses in with carpe-ing our diems. I do hope, even with the wine, some sleep finds you, and that the end of the now toxic job this week leads to good things soon.

I wish I had found this lovely thread before! I used to sleep at the drop of a hat, in fact I once fell asleep at a music event, leaning against the speaker. Now I have the opposite problem. It started about 5 years ago and just hasn't improved, whatever I do. Right now there's a lot going on in my life, because I'm dealing with breast cancer, but I don't really think that's connected. In fact, I sailed through the diagnosis and mastectomy without being especially upset or worried. Perhaps it is all there under the surface, because I end up upset and crying over ridiculous things - I was in floods of tears in the car park the other day because I couldn't get the damn ticket machine to work, yet I've only cried a couple of times over the cancer. I have chemotherapy due to start week after next, but I'm more upset about my new short hair cut because I hate it!

@Chichimcgee I agree that you have to try and not think about it and just do each day as it is - my daughter has been chronically ill since she was 12 and now 20 - I have to see how she is now as her normal and not dwell on what she should be doing aged 20. She is mainly bedbound and has lost all her teen years to being very poorly. It’s tough seeing your children suffer

Normally I would be up because my severely autistic son would still be awake but tonight he’s asleep.

I’m awake because one of our cats was knocked over and found deceased today.
I’m absolutely heartbroken and can’t stop crying.
She was a little tortoiseshell who looked like her mum.
We also have the mum cat and her brother.
I actually saw her being born and we had her for just over 2 years.
She was beautiful with a tiny little face and nose.

@ImNotDancing I have PCOS - which caused lack of periods from aged 16 to my late 20’s. The internal examination is exactly as described above by @5YearsLeft. After having quite a few of these I actually prefer them to external ultrasound as no need for a large full bladder therefore no chance of setting yourself - which I have also done! I find smear test very painful but the internal was more uncomfortable than pain. Good luck