To ask what you’re doing awake post-midnight? Part 2: Insomnia Strikes Back

[5YearsLeft]

Bit awkward to start this in the middle of the day, but I wanted to be able to link it on the old thread before it completely fills. Meanwhile, even though right now it’s not post-midnight, if you’re having a day-after hangover from insomnia, feel free to post. Whether it’s from poorly children or babies or pets or OHs, whether it’s grief or fear or anxiety or other losses, whether it’s work stress or home stress or just LIFE stress, we get it. You’re not yelling into the void; you’re sharing with people who have been stuck wide awake, too.

Hi I'm up
Can't relax or go to sleep
How's you @5YearsLeft

@purpleme12 Ack, sorry to hear that. Sleep is a slippery bugger. I’m still alive, after the past week, which is about the best we can hope for.

Well I'm glad you're still here with us anyway!

How is your new house

I'm up. Vomiting toddler..yay...

@purpleme12 The house itself is fine. The decision to move into the house is filled with regret. I feel like I’ve been nothing but sick since we moved in. I don’t have any view out my window at all so I can’t see the sky, and I didn’t realize how much I depended on that and in fact, none of the windows have a great view of the sky that we had before (we didn’t have a view of any landmarks but we could see the sky and the moon and now there’s nothing), so I regret that I didn’t realize how important that was, since I spent the first complete week here almost stuck in bed, and when I was stuck in bed at our last flat, I watched the birds and the clouds, and it was a lot more important than I realized. So, yeah. Also, my DH and housemate went out last night, didn’t tell me until they were out, he sent me a text to tell me where they were, and then I responded telling him that I couldn’t get to the bathroom without help (my condition is a lot worse by the end of the day and it had just been horrible Sunday so this was expected Monday) and he didn’t answer. So I called 8 times, finally had to call the pub they were at, they found him and I sobbed that I was about to wee the bed, he got home in 10 minutes, I’d already ruined my underpants but not the mattress, he got me into the WC, my bladder hurt for the next 9 hours from trying to hold it, and he told me I need to “get right with God” so I stop having conflicted feelings about doing assisted suicide ASAP, since I guess wetting the bed means it’s time I’m PTS, like a family spaniel.

So I’m really making a lot of happy new memories here.

@CowsAreNotGreen Oh no! What a nightmare. Poor them and poor you. I do hope maybe it calms down some if their stomach is empty or maybe they drift off to sleep for a bit. Stomach bugs can be so rough.

@5YearsLeft thanks and it’s good to see you back. I hope you are feeling much better.
It’s getting really tough at home now - poor DH and DS are struggling with me being so unwell with no improvement. I have to hold onto the hope that, like your friend in the US and other posters on here, I may start to see some improvement within the 3 -6 month mark.

@Tallisimo - thank you
My marriage and friendships are really being put to the test with my horrendous withdrawal journey, so it’s a godsend to have you guys here to turn to.
How are you feeling tonight?

@5YearsLeft oh god that's so shit
Is he usually like this?
Has he realised what he was like?

@MrsGlum Sometimes we just don’t have anything better to offer than just being here. Believe me, if I had a magic health wand, or a magic money tree, I would definitely be using it for the people in this thread. Unfortunately, we just have to keep going.

@purpleme12 I wish I knew how to answer that. For a very long time, he wasn’t. Lately, he is. I want to believe it’s all the stress from work, but… I have no idea. He’s been in stressful work situations before and he was never cruel. Our lease on this apartment is a year and we need that long to rebuild our money. I guess we’ll see how we’re all treating each other in a year and whether I can figure out some kind of plan for other people to help me take care of myself, and then determine if it would be better to leave. I don’t want to feel forced into physician-assisted suicide because it’s what’s most convenient for other people.

@5YearsLeft - I’d nominate you to be first in line for the magic health wand!
Just being there means a lot.

The situation with your DH sounds really tough. It would be hard enough to deal with in good health, let alone when you are so unwell.

@MrsGlum Fortunately, it would be a magic health wand, so hopefully we could all use it in about five minutes, ha.

Sigh. For a while, I really did have the perfect marriage. People were always telling us we were great, and then I got sick, and people were still telling us that we were handling it so much better than other people would, and then… it’s all falling apart, which I never, ever thought would happen. I think it would shock the hell out of most of the people who knew us. But eh, I guess that’s life. I’ve managed to somehow survive everything life’s thrown at me, and I’ll survive this, too. I hope.

@5YearsLeft - that’s so sad. I think the pressure just gets too much eventually and cracks begin to appear.
I’m worried the same might happen to us. My DH is already really finding my situation very very difficult to deal with. I’m worried I’ll push his patience and support too far eventually. I feel so guilty because I feel as though I’ve brought this upon us by taking a medication I really didn’t need. My menopausal brain just told me I did.
Life can just turn on the spin of a coin can’t it!

@MrsGlum It really, really can. My best advice is just to make sure that you’re doing everything you can to remedy the situation (working with your doctors, etc). If he’s mad at you for making a mistake, that’s shite. If he gets frustrated because you say “oh woe is me this is hopeless it will never get any better,” that’s different. But you’re not doing that. You’re trying to get better. You’re working with your doctors, you’re seeing a counsellor for your heightened anxiety (or depression?), so he’s probably mostly worried and frustrated he can’t help you. My marriage didn’t “crack” until after nine years of increasing illness and my terminal diagnosis, so there’s always hope.

@Tallisimo @5YearsLeft Am here!!! Absolutely no pain. Zero. Like it never happened. Which is amazing. And I am so grateful. Now it’s just good old fashioned insomnia!! Which I had before to some degree. I’ll take it over the pain though. Hope you are both okay.

How is your pain @Tallisimo??

@Coroico97 Fuck me, you lucky thing!!!! I’m so happy for you!!! Oh gosh, if only we could work this out for @Tallisimo as well, it really would be perfect. Sorry about the insomnia, but insomnia vs. pain - absolutely, I’d choose the insomnia every time! Same old, same old over here; been horrifically sick for a week and I feel under tremendous pressure from my household to use physician-assisted suicide when I’m not actually ready to die quite yet. I barely got my diagnosis in December, and it was that I’d have a few years to go, and apparently they’d like to get in with life without me.

@5YearsLeft I just read your post up thread. I am so sorry you had such a horrific experience. There is something horrible about being left alone as well. I hope he reflects on his thoughtless words.

@Coroico97 Me too. But I can’t control anyone but me, so I guess… I don’t know. It was never like this before. And I never thought it would be like this. But I guess if it is, I’ll find some way to live through this, too.

@5YearsLeft It must be a terrible feeling. Knowing or even just thinking that that is the view of those around you. Fuck that. You stand (lie) tall. You still have a life to lead. Sorry you can’t see the sky from your new place. Can you get outside when the weather improves? A blue sky can be life-affirming. I hope you have support from others not in your household? Don’t be guilted into such terrible, final and serious thoughts just because you are made to feel like an inconvenience. Bollocks to that.

@Coroico97 You pretty much hit it. It didn’t feel great. It doesn’t feel great. I’m going to try to get outside tomorrow and I’m definitely hoping it will feel better. It’s been a really bad week. I also texted my best friend and just told her everything that was going on (I haven’t really out of pride? Shame? I don’t know) so she’s being really supportive, even though we’re in different places. She also just got baby chickens to raise to she’s sending me pictures all the time of them, so it’s very @Wallywobbles.

Does this still qualify as night?

I'm so sorry you have had such a horrible experience and for what your dh said. Wow that must have hurt. No one should be pressurised into assisted suicide. As long as you want to live your life has value. We all are inconvenient to others in some way or the other, most of us ordinary folk take more out of the system than we return and we all still rightly believe that our lives are precious and we have a right to live it. That's not for someone else to decide. I remember when I was young I used to think that as long as I can feel the sun shine on my arms life is worth living. Now I'm not so sure that's enough but only I can know if it's enough or not. I'm just rambling. I'm not sure it helps. I just feel it's cruel and unfair what your dh said (even though it might not be what he actually thinks??) And on top of everything else you shouldn't have to deal with that and you shouldn't even have to think of it.

On another note, it might be a line that you don't want to cross but honestly if you need to pee then maybe don't try at any cost to hold it in. Yes, it is a line to cross but as someone who is fairly incontinent at some point it stops feeling like a loss of dignity and just becomes another part of your body that doesn't work that we'll.. like sneezing or coughing. I once had to tell dh I peed into the car seat. I was embarrassed but it's not something he lingered on or thinks of with disgust. And then s few years later I peed myself in s train carriage full of people. I just couldn't hold it in anymore. It had been a hot day and I drank water like crazy. There was no toilet on the train. I kept telling my travelling companion that I need to get off but she didn't want to and this was in another country and very rural where I don't even speak the language and had no idea how to get to my destination on my own. In hindsight I should have got off thst train. But in hindsight it also doesn't matter so much. Yes it was embarrassing in the moment and I got stares, etc but I'm just human and sometimes my body doesn't work in the way it should. Or I'm away that is convenient to myself or to others. It's still my body and I still deserve to love it and think it's precious and valuable for all the memories it holds and all the memories it is still making.

I can imagine how much you miss seeing the moon. For me (apart from feeling the sun) seeing the sky has always been one of those things that have made me stop in my tracks, forget about everything else, and just enjoy the moment.

My alarm has just rung so the night is officially over. How I just want to sleep. I don't want to deal with the day.

I hope you'll have a better day today 5.

Morning all. I actually slept last night so missed you all.

@5YearsLeft , that's so tough in top of everything else. I'd like to hope that given his past form for being a good egg, that maybe your DH was just a bit broken after all the pressure of your diagnosis and prognosis, topped off with all of the pressure and stress of moving and seeing your suffering. It doesn't excuse being cruel but it may go towards explaining it? Hopefully a blip rather than an ongoing state of affairs? It's always impossible to tell when in the midst of the darkness though as everything is at its very worst. Agree totally with what @Coroico97 said though, you musn't feel pressured into assisted suicide for the convenience of others. It's your life and your ultimate choice. I do hope you are getting some professional emotional support too. And you know you can talk to us lot to help get your head straight. I value you tremendously and we haven't even met. You're quite an extraordinary human and it would be good to have you on the planet for as long as you want to be here X

@Wallywobbles lovely as ever ❤️ 🐑

@MrsGlum you do sound a bit better today, or is that my hopeful imagination?

@Soton the best way to empower your DD is to lead by example ,which you are doing in spades. To have open lines of communication over dinner at the table as often as you can -it's the prefect time to debrief your days and have proper chats about each items world and what's going on around you both. That regular chit chat is far more valuable than you realise, and as they get older it replaces the lost intimacy of the bedtime story. There's a brilliant book by Phillipa Perry to read too - the book you wish your parents had read.... . Young women are under assault (literally and figuratively) from this dominating patriarchal society and we need to give them all the love, support and confidence we have to live in that environment. The very fact that you're worrying about it means you are already doing a good job. 
I'm one step nearer to HRT after the GP referred me to the menopause clinic - my health history is a bit too complicated to just prescribe now . So another few weeks to wait but I've had symptoms for years so hey ho.

@5YearsLeft just had an idea about the lack of sky - is there any way to position a large mirror in your room to reflect any high-up glimpse of the sky so you can see it?

Have a good day all x

@catwomando - thank you for asking but sadly I’m no better. Had a really bad day and night. Have spent all night analysing how I came to be where I am right now and it all points to me. I’ve brought my problems on myself due to lots of traumatic events in my younger life now combined with pandemic stress and menopause, making me take some disastrous courses of action and I’ve ended up in a big big mess.

Post bottle morning tummy on the shrimp

[quote MrsGlum]**@catwomando - thank you for asking but sadly I’m no better. Had a really bad day and night. Have spent all night analysing how I came to be where I am right now and it all points to me. I’ve brought my problems on myself due to lots of traumatic events in my younger life now combined with pandemic stress and menopause, making me take some disastrous courses of action and I’ve ended up in a big big mess.[/quote]
@MrsGlum Don’t give up! Remember, even thinking this way could be part of your side effects still. A huge part of the side effects is a “WORSENING of existing symptoms” so if you were an overthinker before, then it will be worse during your withdrawals. So, while I don’t want to discount your trauma, please don’t let it tell you that you’re to blame because of the way you’ve lived your whole life. That could very much be the trauma of the withdrawals, the sleep deprivation, the heightened anxiety of the withdrawals making you think that. You really have to remember that millions of people take your medication and the worst they get is a bit of nausea. It’s really not your fault. But I also know the side effects are telling you it is, so until they were off, none of us can convince you isn’t. It’s a terrible situation. Maybe try NOT to be alone with your thought during insomnia. Grab a book, magazine, grab anything. I’m sorry it was a bad day and night.

@catwomando Wise as always. I don’t know if he’s going through a temporary state from an ungodly amount of stress or if this is him changing based on my housemate coming back (she was gone for a year and returned in November), or some third factor, but I guess we’ll just have to give it time and see. We’re all stuck in the new apartment for right now. In a year, who knows. Things will be better or I’ll find a way out, to see the sky.

@Wallywobbles Crevette is the mascot of the thread. We go through hell and keep going, and she’s still alive through the shittiest lambing season ever.