Hello all and welcome to the extremely confused post-midnight thread. It’s only about 8pm but I generally run things here and I’m dying in general and unfortunately had an extra spot of dying for the last week. Sorry all. Let’s try to get things back on track. I’ll be here to open things at midnight but wanted to respond for people who have gotten a bit lost in the last few days.
@Soton Good. Grief. What an incredible amount to have going through your mind. First of all, you’re not alone. I was raised by my gran and granddad, but my da was also very abusive toward my mum and forced her to get an abortion before me. He wanted her to abort me as well but she “ran away” to her parents until it was too late for an abortion. I do wonder how her having that much stress while I was in the womb affected me (not that I blame her for any of it,, though I wish for her sake that she’d never gone back to him). She did eventually leave him and remarry a very wonderful man when she was about 48. And then she got horrible cancer about two years later and her new husband has stuck by her through everything so, eh, life. You can’t control your parents. You can’t control what they do. It sounds like maybe they’re with you for a visit? And it sounds like maybe horrible timing; and maybe like these visits are never great. Like maybe your mum told you to try to explain why she is the way she is, since it sounds like her personality doesn’t rub along with yours very well. But yes, these things (her illegal abortion and being told by her MIL to just get over it, then your abortion and perhaps feeling like you couldn’t talk about it), they pass down, and they linger. I don’t know if you’ve heard the term generational trauma but it refers to trauma that gets passed down in a family, so because your mother went through something traumatic, for example, the effects may be felt by you, and so on. This happens a lot with poverty, racism, physical and sexual abuse, people traumatized by war. Here’s a good link about it: www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-flourishing-family/202107/breaking-the-chains-generational-trauma
As for how we don’t “screw up our little ones,” everyone wishes they had a perfect answer, but the best thing is communication. Like you said, you wish your mother had told you about this before your own abortion. So when it’s age appropriate (maybe when she’s having sex ed or when you discuss her getting sexual protection like going on the pill), tell your daughter about your abortion and that you’ll always be there for her. The best thing you can do is try to talk to your child, and if they can’t talk to you, find someone they can talk to (a counsellor, etc). If things are falling apart in your marriage, don’t think you can hide it from your DD, so just try to be open and honest and make sure she doesn’t feel scared about an uncertain future. As for your marriage, all you can do there is try to communicate as well - determine if what’s left can be fixed if you talk, with or without the help of a counsellor, or if something is broken that you can’t fix and you and your husband and DD need to find a new way to be a family. You can sort it after your mum and dad are gone (it sounds like their visit will end soon?). I wish you the very best of luck.
@mrsglum As always, I’m just sorry you’re going through this. I don’t know if the other comments on this thread help at all (@catwomando going through long COVID for six months, but is now recovering; @Coroico97 was on here and had pain for months and months, had surgery, and I think is sleeping now; and I think there are more). I know it’s still awful right now, but don’t give up. And if you EVER feel tired, any time, day or night, lay down aid you can. I know some people lose their ability to sleep, feel like they’re going to drop dead at about 3pm and still don’t just lay down at 3pm because it feels wrong. When you’re this tired and sick, there is no “wrong.”
@Wallywobbles That picture with the cat is priceless. Don’t know what we’d do without you.