AIBU to ask if you sleep trained your baby

[babyjellyfish]

What approach did you take, how old was your baby and how successful was it?

Looking for a range of views and experiences.

Thank you.

I didn't sleep train as such, but I got them used to going in their Moses basket awake during the day while I was doing stuff, and would put them in there when I wanted them to sleep. Obviously there were times they fell asleep on us after a bottle, but generally they had their naps in there. In the evenings we had them in the Moses basket sleeping next to us in between their evening bottle and the last bottle they had before we went to bed, then took them up to our room.
My eldest slept really well most of the time, ironically he's now 8 and thinks sleep is for the weak
My youngest would always have a little cry before he fell asleep but you could tell he was tired by the way he was acting so he would fall asleep not long after. We would pick them up and comfort them if they were crying, but if they were fed, changed and comfortable we would leave them for a few minutes and they would usually fall asleep.
When they went into their own rooms at around 6 months we would go in and comfort them if they were crying, sometimes giving a bottle to the eldest if he couldn't settle, and the youngest had a dummy while he was a newborn for a few weeks which helped.
My children were both premature so I don't know if that made a difference, they spent the first few weeks of their lives in incubators so weren't used to being held.
I think if you need to do it so that you can get some sleep, then you need to do it.

Also just for people who need to pick up a dictionary:

Martyr - someone who dies because of their religious faith.

Not a martyr - Mother who doesn’t want to sleep train because, on balance, she doesn’t think it’s the right thing to do (maybe in general or maybe just for her child). She’s still probably tired and it’s fine to complain about that. Like it’s fine for everyone to complain about things that they could technically probably change but don’t want to for a number of reasons. Eg people complaining about being fat. It doesn’t mean they don’t deserve sympathy and understanding.

Some people have a total lack of understanding on here about truly clingy babies and how upsetting some mothers find hearing their children cry.

@Giraffesandbottoms

I wouldn't call someone who decides not to sleep train a "martyr". I think everyone is just trying to do what they feel is the best thing for them and their children.

However, the flip side of that is that it isn't very kind to use language such as "cruel" and "barbaric" about sleep training in the context of someone asking for advice about the best way to do it.

Comments such as "I would rather put up with broken sleep for as long as it lasts than listen to my baby cry" and even "you don't need to train your baby to sleep, you need to train yourself to accept a lack of sleep" aren't actually helpful. And I do wonder how many of those people actually have a baby who wakes up every hour, or have a baby who wants to play every night between midnight and 4am most nights, or are trying to hold down a full time job. If their baby was different or their circumstances were different, they might have had to take a different approach.

I think everyone is just trying to do what they feel is best for their babies and their families, and we shouldn't be judgemental about each other.

It's hard to advise someone else how to parent. All I can say is that I did it with my first child and it is my greatest regret. It was awful for everyone. Worked for short periods but, for me and my child, I dont think it was worth the pain for all concerned.

@humblesims Can you tell me more? What methods did you try?

@babyjellyfish

I see that, but for example both of my children are appalling sleepers. My 18 month old was up 10+ times last night. I am on my knees today. However even if I give him to my DH so I can go and wee he SCREAMS. It’s frustrating and it’s heartbreaking but it’s not an option for me to listen to this. It would make me feel cruel, personally. They also both HATED the buggy AND the car. They screamed every time they went in until the second they came out. My mother said with DS1 he would stop and fall asleep eventually. He never, ever did. I was sobbing in the park when he was 2 months old as I had to walk the dog and he wouldn’t stop crying. I have a bias about it because as soon as I used a sling things were much better and I regretted massively the stress and pain and upset I caused him - AND ME - by listening to advice re “he will stop crying” blah blah because I thought she knew better. Not all children are the same. I can see if you have a baby who fussed a bit when put down it might be different. But screaming is very different.

Also I’ve suggested Jay Gordon to be helpful

Controlled crying. My DCs are grown up now and this was back in the early 2000s. EBF baby that would never be put down and was exhausting for me and my well intentioned DH and DM persuaded me that controlled crying was the answer. It was so hard and distressing for me and (obviously) for the child (I didnt do it with my second). It would sort of work for a while until his routine changed, or he got a cold or ...whatever.
As parents you look back at the way you did things when they were little and realise it's such a short time and I would rather have suffered the sleepless nights than the memory of controlled crying. But, it's just my experience.

@Giraffesandbottoms I just read Jay Gordon's article on night weaning. Is that the method you followed? Is it something you're supposed to do while bedsharing or can it be done with the baby in their own cot?

My baby is more or less night weaned now because he doesn't need to eat overnight, he needs to be hungry enough for a full feed at 7am because he needs to take some medication with a large meal in the mornings, and feeding him during the night is no longer a failsafe way to get him to go back to sleep anyway. Sometimes when I feed him out of desperation he just has a nice little 3am snack and then goes back to babbling away and doing gymnastics. We really need him to sleep in his own bed and stop waking up for hours at a time because the bedsharing is no longer working for any of us.

@humblesims So what happened in the end? Did it eventually get better?

I used a book called Core Sleep (it’s probably dated now). My three DC slept a short night (11-5, 10-5,11-6 type of thing) at 8 weeks. By 12 weeks all three slept 12 hours. They probably then woke once a year each when they were poorly.

No, I don't think I could have. I definitely couldn't have let them cio. But I was fortunate to never have felt that desperate, as both of mine were pretty good sleepers.

Not if you hate that bit! It's nice for a few minutes but not for bloody hours every day. Sent me potty with DD1 so there was no way I was going to repeat with the next DC. A cuddle and kiss before putting them down to sleep and relaxing sans DC was a much nicer part of parenting IMO

I just checked the book is called Core Night.

In reply to the pp who thinks children falling asleep on you is the nice bit of parenting...shudders

@afrika Your kids sound like mine. What method did you use?

babyjellyfish It's all a bit of a haze as it was a while ago now but really, no. I tried if for maybe 2 or three months. I gave up after that and I spent a lot a lot of broken waking nights settling babies that wouldnt sleep. I even had a mattress next to the cot for a while. My second child was in our bed until he was about a year old (not ideal). They never slept well until they were into beds rather than cots. I cant tell you what the right thing to do it. I certainly didn't get it right. All I can say is that I survived, the babies survived and once that sleepless stage is over it just becomes a hazy memory. Unlike the regret of controlled crying which I'll always have.

No, because I love my child more than I love sleep.

@babyjellyfish it isn't very kind to use language such as "cruel" and "barbaric" about sleep training in the context of someone asking for advice about the best way to do it.

You asked if people sleep trained their kids and their views. You can't complain when people then give you their views. I have certainly used the words cruel and barbaric to describe sleep training, because it is. And if you think it's 'not kind' to point that out, I'm surprised you're considering sleep training, cause that sure as shit isn't kind.

[quote Shitandhills]**@babyjellyfish* it isn't very kind to use language such as "cruel" and "barbaric" about sleep training in the context of someone asking for advice about the best way to do it.*

You asked if people sleep trained their kids and their views. You can't complain when people then give you their views. I have certainly used the words cruel and barbaric to describe sleep training, because it is. And if you think it's 'not kind' to point that out, I'm surprised you're considering sleep training, cause that sure as shit isn't kind.[/quote]
I've said in subsequent posts (as my OP obviously wasn't very clear), I was looking for advice from people who have sleep trained their babies, wanting to know what they tried and how it went for them.

Genuine question: if you think all sleep training (regardless of the method used) is "barbaric", do you have any actual advice for me?

Because right now I am bed sharing with a baby who wakes up at midnight and spends the next four hours or so wriggling around and making loud noises. He's not even crying. He's singing and talking to himself. He's not hungry. If I feed him he will have a nice little snack and then just continue his antics and not go back to sleep. He'll eventually drift off to sleep an hour or two before we have to get up for the day.

My husband and I both work full time and I have to drive to work. At the moment we are each pretty much sleeping one night in two, taking it in turns to sleep in the spare room or lie awake next to our little all-singing, all-dancing night owl.

Quitting my job isn't an option, and I need to drive to get there. So I need to get enough sleep to be able to get in my car at 8am, safely get to the office, do a full day's work and then safely get home again. So does my husband (the only difference is that he gets the train to work).

So what advice do you have for me in this situation?

I followed this method from birth. The baby had their own nursery. We always put the baby down to sleep awake - we never fed to sleep. We'd wind up their musical mobile when they first went down. We also had a night light so they weren't in complete darkness. We used to give a bottle just before we went to bed and when they cried we got up and fed and changed them. We kept the lights low and there was no interaction at night - no playing, no mobile, no chatting etc. They were fed and tucked back in. If they cried we would go to them after a little bit - a few minutes but it was more boring behaviour. The babies worked out that somebody would always come but unless they were hungry it wasn't really fun - fun times were during the day. As they got a bit older they could tank up on a bit more milk and they could self-settle. The oldest was sleeping a decent chunk at six weeks - a bit over 6 hours and the youngest took about 8 weeks to do the same. Children will have to learn to self settle at some stage but it's a lot easier if they learn earlier.

They don't seem to have been traumatised by this. One is indignant though about us trying to make him eat one tiny sliver of tomato which I don't remember at all. The other is indignant we didn't allow them to get in a dinghy on a school camp where there was no information about supervision, life jackets and water conditions.

We always co-slept so had no problems.

Yes OP, the method works bedsharing - how are you currently getting baby back to sleep if not feeding? Rocking? I would assume the same principle applies, you’re just cuddling for the first 3 nights and then not, just they stay next to you so feel very comfortable, even if they are annoyed. I tailored mine slightly to make it less sudden with DS1 because he was such a big night feeder. I started it with DS2 and it was going very well but he was then unwell so it was mean and I stopped: will restart tonight. Once he’s sleeping properly he can go from our bed into his. If you don’t think cuddling will work then I’m afraid I’m not really sure what to suggest. I can’t remember how old your baby is but I know when both of mine were 6 months just before they started crawling they went through the excited night waking and babbling phase!

@blyn72

Cosleeping doesn’t equal no problems for everyone, sadly. I cosleep and my toddler wakes up frequently

how are you currently getting baby back to sleep if not feeding?

We're not. We're all lying awake until he eventually gets bored and goes back to sleep of his own accord, which could be three hours later.