AIBU to ask if you sleep trained your baby

[babyjellyfish]

What approach did you take, how old was your baby and how successful was it?

Looking for a range of views and experiences.

Thank you.

Yep but a no tears version, we wnt from awake every half hour to twice a night. It was loosely called pick up out down and worked after about a week hard going but my baby was a three month old Foster baby so we needed one that involved zero tears and lots of cuddles if needed.

Thanks for the replies to this.

I probably should have been a little clearer in how I phrased my question, because I'm now asking whether I should sleep train my baby or not, I'm trying to decide the best way of doing it.

My baby is 10 months old and for most of the last few months we have been cosleeping because that was the best way for the three of us to actually get some sleep. It's now no longer working for any of us. We have a baby who sleeps in our bed and will more often than not wake up at around midnight or 1am and spend the next three to four hours singing and chattering to himself. All his needs have been met. He's fine. He would just rather be awake than asleep.

It's all very well saying this is normal or what have you. Or instead of training my baby to sleep I need to train myself to accept that my baby doesn't sleep.

The reality is that my husband and I both work full time and I have to get up in the mornings, get behind the wheel of a car, get myself to the office without killing myself or any other road users, do a full day of work, and get home again. Doing that on almost no sleep every once in a while is one thing. Doing it on almost no sleep every day is dangerous.

Thanks for the constructive replies. We need to choose a method and stick to it.

@babyjellyfish

If you cosleep I assume you breastfeed in which case I reiterate Jay Gordon. They might cry a bit but you’re cuddling them the whole time, so they aren’t abandoned. Can’t believe someone here left a baby to cry for 49 mins and thinks that’s ok!

@CafeConLechePorFavor
Ignore Piglet, she’s goady AF. She wanders into threads with ridiculously contrarian statements about her parenting for attention/to start arguments. I CBA with her.

Gradual retreat with DD at 9 months old. Incredibly necessary as I had only slept in two hour blocks for 9 months. Better that I was a functioning mother to her.

Just read your latest post. Yes, and also I had to go back to work and function there too, as well as driving etc... Gradual retreat worked for us as we didn’t leave her to cry for too long. I feel it was better for her in the long run too. It takes time though. It was several years ago now but probably took us a month.

Yes at about 7 months was losing my sanity with a child who would only nap on me and would take forever to rock to sleep.
Took 3 nights, the first being the worst of half an hour of crying total with me settling every couple of minutes and it was the best thing for all of us.
There was some regression from it around 1.5 and we were having to sit in the room whilst they fell asleep but now they go to bed fine and sleep through.

I agree with previous posters that I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I was at complete breaking point which was no good for me or my child

Yep - with both DS. Neither had awful sleep to begin with though but some sleep training sorted some issues with DS1 random night waking and DS2 inability to nap. Both brilliant little sleepers now (5yr and 8m)!

There have now been a lot of studies around controlled crying and the age old article stating your child "learns you won't come when it needs you" and that it's damaging for the child has largely been debunked.

On MN sleep training gets a bad rep and somehow no one would possibly do such a barbaric act..... but you only need to looo on the Sleep board to see many, many people do try it. And in the real world loads of people do! It might not always be controlled crying too... there are gentler methods of sleep training available.

My advice would be to read up on various methods and choose one that makes the most sense for you and your family.

And then the key is consistency, consistency, consistency. The main reason we used a sleep consultant was because we’d tried various techniques ourselves and had abandoned them, convincing ourselves that they wouldn’t work. The consultant gave us the confidence to stick to it.

Good luck, OP. It will work and will lead to a happier baby and happier parents.

@Ragwort

Not exactly but I followed the GF routine, I never fed or cuddled my baby to sleep ... 7pm, in his cot and I left him to self settle, we were probably lucky in that he was just a naturally good sleeper ... but we never fussed over him.

I’m sorry, but this is the saddest thing I have ever read on here. Each to their own, obviously, but you seem to think not fussing over a newborn is a good thing?! Jesus fucking wept…..

Tried with our 1st and it was an epic fail.
Younger ones I didn't bother trying, we've had a mixed bag of good and not so good sleepers. Youngest is fab and been sleeping 10hrs at night from 3 months.

Yes, at 9 months, cry it out and DD slept through by 5 nights. The whole house was much happier including DD. She needed her sleep too, and she also needed a mother that wasn't hallucinating, suicidal and dangerous on the road through uttter exhaustion.

I was so reluctant to do it but it was the best decision we've made!

I'm very interested in the posters who did it earlier than we did with ours, as we ended up waiting until about 10 months, but with the next one I definitely feel more confident to do it earlier.
Second pp about consistency, and getting day time sleep right.
And also when you first do whichever brand of sleep training you go in for, make sure you and partner are both on board, support each other. We did me for nights 1&2, then him for 3&4 and then me again. But by then it was sorted

With the older two no, they wouldn't sleep unless rocked or held. With my 5 month old I'm not sure if this counts as sleep training but if I put her down semi drowsy after a feed she falls asleep on her own. I will stand outside the door and if she is babbling leave her to it and she falls asleep by herself. If she cries I would intervene and rock or cuddle her till she fell asleep. She has been sleeping through since she was 3 months old but I think that is all down to her and not influenced by me.

I wouldn't try controlled crying but as far as I'm aware that is different to sleep training.

Yes.

CIO for first, after trying CC. Didn’t work for them.

CC for second.

Yes. I used the Ferber Method at 6 months. It took about a week and a half, but it made a massive difference in DS's sleep. Before sleep training, he was waking up every 40 minutes all night (from 2 months old) and I was so exhausted that I couldn't be a good parent. After sleep training, he would typically go 6 hours, have a bottle, then back to sleep for 6 hours. So much better, and he was happier for it!

@Giraffesandbottoms I genuinely find it quite puzzling that you think my posts “goady”. As I said to a PP, why would you care how we dealt with our son’s sleep? You have a different approach and parenting style: that’s fine. You do you, as they say nowadays. We aren’t co-parenting, so it’s not important we agree on this stuff.

The OP asked for views on sleep training approaches from those who did it: she’s made that clear in a subsequent post. My approach isn’t yours, but I did do some sleep training and I explained what I did. That’s all useful data for OP. She doesn’t have to do it herself, but she can know someone out there did.

But to even think about getting worked up about it, such that you have to say “Oh no, she’s just goady, I’ll tell myself to ignore her”: I mean, just why?!

Whenever sleep training is mentioned on here, lots of posters immediately assume sleep training=controlled crying. It doesn’t. There are lots of methods which don’t include leaving your child to cry.

So PP, are you asking if people sleep trained their children or are you asking if they used the controlled crying method?

I sleep trained using the Baby Whisperer pick up put down method. It involves being with your child the whole time, no controlled crying, they don’t get distressed and it was hands down the best thing I ever did. Worked amazingly well and I had a happy, secure, well rested baby.

@Piglet89

It’s not goady that you have a different approach. It’s goady because you say things like “showing him who is the boss” about a baby. But you already knew that. Just like on the thread about baby food you knew that coming on and saying you fed your 1 year old or 10 month old (can’t remember but something silly) chocolate every day and the way you phrased it in particular was goady.

I just don’t believe anyone feels the way you do, sorry. Doing those things isn’t the issue. It’s the gleeful way you describe them and the provocative nature of your phrasing.

Anyway wanted to explain but not going to make the mistake of getting drawn in further.

The OP asked for views on sleep training approaches from those who did it: she’s made that clear in a subsequent post.

Yes, I think perhaps I should have made that clearer.

People who never sleep trained their baby either had babies who slept reasonably well without sleep training (or by cosleeping), or were able to live in a sleep deprived state until their baby figured it out.

Unfortunately none of those things are applicable to our situation, so I want to hear from people who did it to try and work out what could be the best approach for us. I am pretty sure that me falling asleep at the wheel and having a fatal car accident would be far more traumatic for my baby than a bit of crying in his cot.

I am pretty sure that me falling asleep at the wheel and having a fatal car accident would be far more traumatic for my baby than a bit of crying in his cot.

Totally. Your needs matter too. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture.

My daughter is almost 10 months, I’m very lucky that she’s a good sleeper. What worked for me was separating feeding and sleeping. We do feed then bath then bed.

She’s been in her own room since just after 6 months, I had intended to keep her in our room longer like my son who was in with us until about 14 months but she was a much lighter sleeper and we were definitely disturbing her.

@MarvEll

I'm very interested in the posters who did it earlier than we did with ours, as we ended up waiting until about 10 months, but with the next one I definitely feel more confident to do it earlier. Second pp about consistency, and getting day time sleep right. And also when you first do whichever brand of sleep training you go in for, make sure you and partner are both on board, support each other. We did me for nights 1&2, then him for 3&4 and then me again. But by then it was sorted

Our GP cleared us to sleep train DC3 at three months based on his weight! I didn’t see the point of sleep training before the 4-month regression, so we waited until he started waking up every 2 hours at 4 months, then we did Ferber. I think it took around 5 nights. I kept one night feed (even though the GP said we didn’t have to) and went to him to feed him whatever time he first woke up as long as it was after 2am. Any other wake up, my DP handled. We eliminated the last feed at around 6 months. Now at 8 months old DC3 sleeps roughly 7-5:30. And my friends and relatives all consider him a bad sleeper! Mumsnet is s funny place sometimes. It feels like they expect a 14-year-old should still be waking up multiple times a night to breastfeed hahaha!

Yes, aged 7 months, gentle controlled crying after a consultation and written plan from a sleep consultant.

I’d highly recommend it, but you must follow the plan to the letter. And please never resort to just leaving your baby to scream.

Agree. People would rather complain about no sleep than do anything about it too. As for causing mental damage what a load of shit, MN is crazy at times.

Brave post, especially on MN but I do agree, there's almost a martydom about lack of sleep. I know times change etc etc ad nauseum but both my babies were in their own room from day 1 and we all slept well. I'm sure that some of the current ways discourage sleep but, as the saying goes, crack on!

@babyjellyfish

The OP asked for views on sleep training approaches from those who did it: she’s made that clear in a subsequent post.

Yes, I think perhaps I should have made that clearer.

People who never sleep trained their baby either had babies who slept reasonably well without sleep training (or by cosleeping), or were able to live in a sleep deprived state until their baby figured it out.

Unfortunately none of those things are applicable to our situation, so I want to hear from people who did it to try and work out what could be the best approach for us. I am pretty sure that me falling asleep at the wheel and having a fatal car accident would be far more traumatic for my baby than a bit of crying in his cot.

Our motivation for sleep training was that DH had fallen asleep driving home from work.

My second forgot how to sleep at about 18 months. When she was 2 we sleep trained her. We made sure she was healthy, not hungry, had everything she needed. Then we became very boring in the night. No milk or cuddles. Just the same reassuring phrase every time, and a reassuring rub, then we’d leave and come back 5 minutes later. The time we left he gradually got longer. Eventually she worked out that being awake in the night was boring, and she slept instead. It took about 2 weeks.

We did it based on HV advice, and we agreed what our approach was, so that we weren’t making difficult decisions in the middle of the night.

We had tried cosleeping but it doesn’t work when your baby/toddler has no interest in actually sleeping and just lies next to you chatting and wriggling.

Good luck.

I sleep trained DS1 at 6 months because he was spitting his dummy out every half an hour during the night. Worked a treat.

Have attempted to sleep train DS2 on numerous occasions. Whatever method I tried it either didn't work or worked for about 2 nights then went back to how it was before. Either way he still comes into my bed most nights and he's nearly 4. I get the most sleep this way and figure that he'll grow out of it eventually!