AIBU to ask if you sleep trained your baby

[babyjellyfish]

What approach did you take, how old was your baby and how successful was it?

Looking for a range of views and experiences.

Thank you.

I know this isn’t necessarily helpful but it’s probably just a sleep regression and it will go away soon on its own. These very very irritating patches seem to last for just as long as you can endure, then suddenly stop before you throw yourself out a window!

Your teaching them a valuable life skill. How to go to sleep

If you want to do it, that’s up to you, but don’t peddle a common misconception. You don’t need to teach a baby to sleep, or to sleep through. They will learn on their own when they are ready. What you’re doing is conditioning them to sleep on your own schedule when convenient for you.

@Giraffesandbottoms

I know this isn’t necessarily helpful but it’s probably just a sleep regression and it will go away soon on its own. These very very irritating patches seem to last for just as long as you can endure, then suddenly stop before you throw yourself out a window!

I'm not sure what we are supposed to do in the meantime though.

Last night we tried the gradual retreat method and it worked until midnight, but then he just wouldn't go back to sleep. We put a mattress on the floor in his room so one of us could sleep in there and comfort him back to sleep when he woke without having to get out of bed and walk down the hallway. Nothing worked. At 2am my husband came in and volunteered to take over so I could get some sleep in the spare room. At 2:40am I could hear a lot of crying so I got out of bed to find my husband had lost patience and gone back to our room, leaving the baby crying in his cot. I went back into his room and got him out of the cot and held him until he stopped crying, then as soon as I tried to put him back in his cot he started crying again. Eventually I gave up and brought him back into our room, where he slept next to my husband between 4am and 7am and I slept on my own in the spare room.

I think part of this is a body clock issue and until it gets sorted none of us are going to get any sleep.

Forgot to say, this morning I told the childminder I want him to nap for half an hour this morning and then 1.5 hours between 1:30 and 3pm and we'll try that for a week or two and see if that makes a difference.

@Giraffesandbottoms

Your teaching them a valuable life skill. How to go to sleep

If you want to do it, that’s up to you, but don’t peddle a common misconception. You don’t need to teach a baby to sleep, or to sleep through. They will learn on their own when they are ready. What you’re doing is conditioning them to sleep on your own schedule when convenient for you.

Waiting for a baby to decide when he/she is ready to sleep isn’t practical for parents who have to function outside the home. Everyone needs proper sleep and there is nothing at all wrong with some gentle calm training

Not sleep training as such, but stopped bf at three months, put baby in own room and wasn't afraid to let them cry a bit. They also never ever ever came into our bed. This was almost 20 years ago though, but come four months of age they were both great sleepers. And all bonded well enough.
Is he meeting all his milestones?

I sort of did. But most importantly I followed a very regular bed time routine and had no extra lights in their rooms. I thought it was important for them to learn to self settle and not end up over-tired in the day time.

My friends were so jealous for years about what great sleepers my DC were.

But you know all the judgement about what's right and wrong when the your babies are little is overplayed. In the long run I'm not sure it makes a huge difference to their well-being - there will be so many other more complicated things to deal with later on.

@Giraffesandbottoms a schedule that’s convenient to me? You mean going to sleep in the evening and waking up in the morning. How terrible of me to impose such an unusual schedule on a baby! I should be martyring myself and staying awake at all hours, then getting behind the wheel of a car to do nursery drop offs and go to work the next morning. Silly, self absorbed me.

Anyway rant over. OP you do what you FEEL is the right thing to do. Sleep training worked for us.

What most people here fail to mention is, they themselves will have been 'sleep trained' except 30/40/50 years ago it wasn't called that, it was just the bog standard thing you do with your child.

When I told my dad we were conflicted about sleep training he cracked up, he couldn't believe we waited 10 months to stop night feeds!

If you decide to go ahead with sleep-training both you and your husband have to be absolutely committed to following it. If you can, it’s worth at least one of you booking a few days off work so that the sleep deprivation is more manageable. If one of you starts to deviate from the plan, you’ll be back to square one and any partial success will have been completely wasted.

Have clear sleep cues for nap time and nighttime for at least a few weeks. We sang Twinkle Twinkle before every single nap and every night for what felt like months to help our son recognise that it was time for sleep. Can’t hear that song without breaking into an anxious sweat!

If possible, try and get the childminder to follow the same sleep cues. Eg if he sleeps in a sleeping bag at home, he needs to nap in a sleeping bag at her house. Make the room he naps in as dark as possible. When he’s napping at home put him in his room. Avoid napping out and about for a few weeks, if possible, just while you’re getting him used to a new schedule and helping him with sleep cues.

@Hobnob2022

People can do whatever they want I’m just saying it’s irritating when it’s dressed up as “needing to teach a baby to sleep”. Which isn’t a thing.

@tfresh

Parenting used to be shit. People smacked their children.

OP your night sounds terrible.

@CrimbleCrumble1

OP your night sounds terrible.

Every night is terrible.

Yes did controlled crying and both slept all night from 6 months old , occasional wake ups but not much.

Well look, you dont have to sleep train but if you are going to then you have to be consistent and stick at it. Otherwise it's all a bit pointless. So decide who is going to do what and then stick to it. It takes a few days.

Or if you are just not ready to, that's fine too.

I dont get why people say cc is cruel, it isn't leaving a baby crying alone for hours, its going in at intervals, wouldn't you rather all the family gets some sleep and life is much better?

@Hobnob2022

Yes at about seven months. Controlled crying/gradual withdrawal whatever it’s called. After three days baby sleeping through. Everyone happier. I have zero regrets and I just don’t get on board with this whole ‘you’re traumatising them for life’ argument. No you’re not. Your teaching them a valuable life skill. How to go to sleep.

I can see that there are arguments for and against sleep training, and ultimately every family has to do what is right for them. However, let’s all be honest about what it is. You are not “teaching them a valuable life skill” of how to sleep. Babies know how to sleep. You are teaching them that there is no point in crying for cuddles etc, because no one will respond and they’ll just end up expending pointless energy.

@Giraffesandbottoms

I know this isn’t necessarily helpful but it’s probably just a sleep regression and it will go away soon on its own. These very very irritating patches seem to last for just as long as you can endure, then suddenly stop before you throw yourself out a window!

Exactly this.

Sounds awful OP . The worst is when they wake and won’t sleep for hours. But this does sound like a temporary phase that will hopefully pass very soon!

@Porcupineintherough

Well look, you dont have to sleep train but if you are going to then you have to be consistent and stick at it. Otherwise it's all a bit pointless. So decide who is going to do what and then stick to it. It takes a few days.

Or if you are just not ready to, that's fine too.

We are so ready, but I think perhaps we need to play around with his naps and see if there's a body clock issue first.

I'm prepared to pick a sleep training method and apply it consistently if his body knows he's supposed to be sleeping at night time. But right now he just doesn't seem to be tired between midnight and 4am and leaving him alone in his room isn't going to make him tired, it's going to make him angry and probably be counterproductive in the long run.

I'm thinking about putting his cot mattress on the floor in his room and having one of us lie in there on another mattress next to him so that while we're seeing whether we can regulate his body clock better we are still encouraging him to spend the whole night in his room.

Sounds awful OP . The worst is when they wake and won’t sleep for hours. But this does sound like a temporary phase that will hopefully pass very soon!

Thank you. The trouble is it's already been going on for quite a while and I'm worried it's not just temporary but is being caused by something else. (The most likely culprits are his current nap routine or his medication, and I don't want to stop his medication if it's just a phase or if the naps are to blame.)

However, let’s all be honest about what it is. You are not “teaching them a valuable life skill” of how to sleep. Babies know how to sleep. You are teaching them that there is no point in crying for cuddles etc, because no one will respond and they’ll just end up expending pointless energy.

This just isn't true. Babies can learn to need different things to fall asleep. All babies and adults wake in the night. But if you are used to going to sleep by yourself, you can easily and calmly go to sleep again without fully waking.

You absolutely can teach many babies (I'm sure like everything with babies there is no universal truth) to be able to happily fall asleep by themselves after a goodnight kiss and cuddle while awake. It's not a 'skill' so much as a habit. And then they don't cry when they wake up just because they are alone and they can't get back to sleep without a cuddle/rocking/breastfeed. You get a baby who can go down awake, happily chat and sing to themselves a little and then fall peacefully to sleep.

They still cry when there is something else wrong and they need their parents for a different reason, like if they have a bad dream or they are feeling ill. It doesn't turn young children into little emotionally stunted robots who are too cowed to seek comfort from their parents when they are feeling bad. It just doesn't. My children always cry out for us or come to us in the night if they are frightened or hurting or sick. The difference is it's not a regular occurrence. Obviously you haven't taken the same approach, which is your choice, but why don't you recognise that you are talking about something you have no experience of. You're just imagining things.

@Bizawit not at all. You are teaching them to (metaphorically) roll over and go back to sleep between 1 sleep cycle and the next. And to do that without the need for external intercession (milk, cuddles, patting etc). Its called self settling and it's a really important life skill. How miserable to not be able to carry on sleeping when you are tired, no wonder they cry.

I think spare mattress in his room and reducing the length of his 2nd nap is the right way to start.

Have you considered a holiday in the opposite hemisphere to the one you live in to complete disrupt his pattern 🤣 sorry not helpful.

I'm assuming he doesn't get fed to sleep and self settles for nap and bedtime ok?

I'd rather not get into a debate about the pros and cons of sleep training because doing nothing isn't an option for us, for the reasons I have already explained. Right now none of us are getting any sleep between midnight and 4am, this is happening every night, and my husband and I are both at the end of our tether and unable to function properly during the day.

I am fully on board with the principle of sleep training and willing to commit to a method, but I think we need to try and adjust his body clock first so he is actually tired during midnight and 4am.

If we work on our bedtime routine to try and get the 8pm-midnight window sorted as much as possible, does anyone have any suggestions about what to do during the midnight-4am window, when he is currently not tired and consequently not able to fall asleep?

Should we continue letting him come into our bed and taking turns to sleep in the spare room or lie awake next to him? Or should we put him on his mattress on the floor of his own room and have one of us keep him company in there until his body clock has hopefully adjusted?