AIBU to ask if you sleep trained your baby

[babyjellyfish]

What approach did you take, how old was your baby and how successful was it?

Looking for a range of views and experiences.

Thank you.

Yes, only regret I have was not doing it sooner with DC1.

10 months is the earlier side of normal for going to one nap, but honestly you might find it better. He's currently doing 3-3.5 hours in two chunks, but is he desperate for that first nap or could he hang on for another hour and a half? Early lunch at 11, down to nap at 11.30, he might well do the whole 3-3.5 hours in one go leaving him nice and tired for bed time.

For my two children the routine was much better after the transition to one big nap.

Obviously an overtired baby is counterproductive as it won't make them sleep more, but it could be that you've currently got an undertired baby. It's tricky to get that sweet spot!

I was considering trying to do one nap today and see what happened but he was rubbing his eyes by 10am. That said, maybe that's because he was awake half the night. It's a vicious circle. But this afternoon he only had a crappy short nap, so maybe he'll be tired enough to sleep tonight...

It does take a week or so to see results from moving naps etc so stick with it

I was similar to you op, it was OK while I was on maternity leave, but when I went back to work, I realised after the first week that I just needed more sleep to be productive, so that Friday night we started with the controlled crying.
Honestly those 2 nights were horrible, I made dh do it, but it was so so worth it! I feel orders of magnitude better!

So this is something that is very contentious as people have different views, even in my own circle of friends.
Been in two minds about doing it or not, but one of my friend's had twins and basically sleep trained by chance as she simply couldn't pick both up. But they ending up sleeping so well. My nephew, the same age, wasn't at all and was and still is a terrible sleeper.
I have babysat both, the twins were far easier. I think the hardest part will be getting over the guilt of simply letting your baby cry, and I don't think it is going to be easy for me. But I believe it works so I'm going to give it a go.

Look up the Emily Oster book 'Cribsheet'. She assesses the actual research into all sorts of baby stuff (sleep, feeding, childcare etc) for quality and what it's actually saying. Sleep training doesn't cause harm. Children abandoned in orphanages and never responded to are harmed. But that isn't sleep training and doesn't mean leaving them to cry for hours. There are various methods of doing it, stick with one for a while and see how you get on.

FWIW we needed a baby who slept well (I had severe PND and we had zero family support) and did the 'pause' method from a few weeks old. She slept thru from about 6-8 weeks old and has been a good sleeper ever since (now 6yo). Sleep deprivation is dangerous and has similar effects to drink driving. Which is illegal! One of my friends crashed on the motorway after barely getting enough sleep because her baby had her up so often.

Good luck OP and I hope you can get it sorted soon - having a good night's sleep makes such a difference to how you're feeling.

Oh bless 🙂 good luck, hard working out what's best, I would just say changing routine needs commitment and consistency so stick with it dont chop and change

@RidingMyBike

Look up the Emily Oster book 'Cribsheet'. She assesses the actual research into all sorts of baby stuff (sleep, feeding, childcare etc) for quality and what it's actually saying. Sleep training doesn't cause harm. Children abandoned in orphanages and never responded to are harmed. But that isn't sleep training and doesn't mean leaving them to cry for hours. There are various methods of doing it, stick with one for a while and see how you get on.

FWIW we needed a baby who slept well (I had severe PND and we had zero family support) and did the 'pause' method from a few weeks old. She slept thru from about 6-8 weeks old and has been a good sleeper ever since (now 6yo). Sleep deprivation is dangerous and has similar effects to drink driving. Which is illegal! One of my friends crashed on the motorway after barely getting enough sleep because her baby had her up so often.

Good luck OP and I hope you can get it sorted soon - having a good night's sleep makes such a difference to how you're feeling.

I don’t think you can “measure” whether sleep training causes harm through that kind of research. I think the truth is we don’t know what the long term psychological effects may be- just as it would be difficult to measure the isolated impact of any single traumatic event in childhood. I agree with a PP - some of the wilder claims of those apposed to sleep training (eg it causes “brain damage”) are pretty fantastical, but in general it’s probably not a good idea to do something that strongly violates your instincts as a mother (eg leave a small baby to cry). On the other hand sometimes you have to do what you have to do, and it may be the lesser of two evils for parents who really aren’t coping.

I am losing my mind.

This kid just doesn't want to sleep between midnight and 4am.

I don't know what to do.

Yes, at age 6 months. We did the typical cry it out bc he couldn't fall asleep without his bottle. Took 3 nights. He's been an amazing sleeper ever since. Every baby is different though. Trust your instincts.

I did, it “worked” and I have never got over the guilt or trauma of it and wish I could go back and undo it.

We had twins and did classic, 70s style cry it out at 6-7 months. Sat outside the bedroom listening to them cry in case it went from regular crying to something indicating difficulty breathing/soiled nappy/etc. It took about 3 nights. We incorporated a "dream feed" into their routine - a bottle (expressed milk, later formula, eventually milk) in their cots at around 11 pm, which we ended up doing until they were over 2 - it worked so well! Can't remember at what point we started doing this, but think it was before we did CIO.

Your circumstances sound different, though, so it might not be that useful. Maybe need to work on just getting them down in their own room first?

The lack of sleep is soul destroying and dangerous. Hope you find a solution soon.

@babyjellyfish

I am losing my mind.

This kid just doesn't want to sleep between midnight and 4am.

I don't know what to do.

hang in their OP. It will get better and these difficult nights will become a distant memory. how did it go with gradual withdrawal ?

Well, if you can't measure the long term effects of sleep training, you presumably also can't measure the long term impact of having depressed exhausted snappy parents who are at the end of their tether through sleep deprivation. You just do what seems right and hope for the best.

We did it with both kids, took 3 nights to a week of gradual retreat. It wasn't a fun process but 100% worth it as both we and the babies were less frazzled in the day.

These threads always bring out people saying it's cruel without really knowing what happens, they seem to think you just stick your baby in a cot and run away. The method we used meant you sat by the cot and offered verbal soothing or cuddled them if really distressed, but didn't pick them up.

It takes a certain level of privilege to go on having disturbed nights indefinitely (impact on other kids, health, employment) and people always talk about the impact of training on a child but not the impact of knackered resentful parents. Plus overall, sleep training results in less crying because they're not waking and crying 3-4 times every night.

Good luck with whatever you choose!

I do find this tends to bring out very binary opinions - especially those who absolutely oppose "sleep training".

I think we "sleep trained" our baby, not by leaving him to cry, but by not running in the second he started to cry, and only if it continued for longer than a few minutes. If it continued, we'd come back in, pick up him, reassure him, and put him down again.

He sleeps well and is a very happy boy.

It will get better and these difficult nights will become a distant memory. how did it go with gradual withdrawal ?

It was OK until midnight, which is when he generally wakes up and doesn't want to go back to sleep. After that it was a total fiasco.

I'm starting to think nothing will work until we've fixed whatever is making him want to be awake for that four hour period every night.

Yes. CIO loosely based on Cara Babies. Took 3 nights for him to get the self soothing. Still occasionally woke for a feed. DS was 6 months. I’m a better mum for the sleep.

@babyjellyfish

It will get better and these difficult nights will become a distant memory. how did it go with gradual withdrawal ?

It was OK until midnight, which is when he generally wakes up and doesn't want to go back to sleep. After that it was a total fiasco.

I'm starting to think nothing will work until we've fixed whatever is making him want to be awake for that four hour period every night.

Hang in there. I can’t work out of you’re cosleeping or not. When LO wakes what do you do? When we sleep trained touching was a no-no unless he was due a feed the I timed his feed to the minute and drastically cut it down each night. FWIW it was the post midnight hours we found trickiest too. I’m going to PM you too.

How long has he been waking up like this?

Hard to pinpoint exactly when it started, but for a few weeks at least. That was what prompted our decision to try and get him sleeping in his own bed, since our reasons for bedsharing were no longer valid.

Yes! It worked in three days but you have to be strict with yourself or it isn’t fair on your baby.

People who say they didn’t do it always insist they had a difficult baby then go on to say that eventually their child grew out of it or they just bed shared. So it turns out - not that difficult 😂 mine wouldn’t bed share/grow out of it/benefit from gentle sleep training/sleep for more than 20 minutes. It was the right thing to do.

Yes at about seven months. Controlled crying/gradual withdrawal whatever it’s called. After three days baby sleeping through. Everyone happier. I have zero regrets and I just don’t get on board with this whole ‘you’re traumatising them for life’ argument.
No you’re not. Your teaching them a valuable life skill. How to go to sleep.