To not let DC go to this party. Trigger warning DV

[peacelikeariver]

Sorry I don't know if trigger warning for DV is the done thing, so thought I'd better put it in. Haven't been on Mumsnet for a while.
DC has told me today that her friend had disclosed to her that her mum's partner had strangled her mum in front of her. DC didn't know when this had happened and also said she thought her friend hadn't told anyone else in school.
I decided to call the school, got a call back from the head(it's a very small school). They were already aware of it and have involved all the necessary people. It seems to have happened a few days ago.
My dilemma is this: DC is invited to a party at this friend's place this weekend. I don't know the mum other than seeing her at the school gates. Kids are around 9.
I am now reluctant to send DC to the party. Between the lines, I think the partner was thrown out but who knows. Obviously the school can't tell me anything.
I feel awful for the mum and child but also feel it is a risk to my child.
I was thinking to say DC is sick and then invite friend to our house at a later time and DC can give the friend her present in school next week.

Would that be unreasonable?

Can you ring the mum and offer to help at the party? That might put your mind at rest being there.
Can understand your worry, dad might have been ejected but might decide to turn up to be “nice dad” at the party, who knows.

I had thought about that but at their age that would be pretty weird. Plus if she declines then what do I do?

If it was me I'd let her go. She's not going to get harmed at the party. Imagine the poor kid that's seen her mum get strangled and now her friends can't come to her party

I wouldn’t send them, it was a few days ago not years ago, too soon, a man murdered his partner and her two children and one of their friends at a sleep over not long ago. There is a very high possibility the man will turn up.

Just tell the mum that you'd like to come to help, and keep an eye on your DC.

I'd probably let her go, but sit in the car some distance from the house with a book/my phone. If he turned up during the party, I'd go and collect mine.

I'm aware that this post is peak MN and will probably end up on MNTrolls "biggest wankers" thread, but I would just feel too guilty about isolating the little girl who has already been through so much and needs her friends there on her birthday. Also the mum, who will be feeling terrible enough without feeling like she's ruined her dd's birthday as well. And the chances of something violent happening during the party are very slim.

I really doubt he will be there or turn up if he's not the child's dad. Not sure what obwould donin this situation though.

I’d be wary too. I know it’s one in a million but what about the poor girl who recently got murdered while staying over at her friends house, along with her front and the mum? Less likely again at a part of course but I wouldn’t want to take the chance of my child being hosted by a known violent domestic abuser.

Do you know the mum well enough to have a chat with her and offer support while gently trying to gauge the risk of the party a bit more? I agree the daughter needs her friends at the moment but your child has to come first. How does she feel about going? I’d have been terrified to go to a friends house when I knew her dad/step dad was violent.

Yes my rational brain says nothing will happen. And I feel awful about making the child feel even worse.
The rest of my brain thinks that it is too recent and a very dangerous time for the mum. Not really a situation I want to put my child in.

I understand your hesitation OP, but realistically your DC is extremely unlikely to come to any harm at the party. I'd let her go.

Please don't send her, it doesn't sound at all like a safe or stable environment for your DD's friend, so why would you put your DD in that environment? You would regret it if anything happened and would probably be worried the whole time she's there. I think your idea is good, let the girl come to yours instead or go out for a dessert or something.

I personally wouldn't allow my child to go. Whilst I have no doubts it's very unlikely your child will get hurt, this man clearly has no qualms abusing his partner in front of children. I couldn't in good conscience send my child into a harm where there is a risk they could view domestic violence.

I wouldn’t. What if the partner decides to come and teach the mother ‘a lesson’? I’ve heard of a case in the UK where the male killed his daughter and wife and the friend of the wife and her daughter, they were toddlers. I’d be scared to let my DD go. I’d invite your DD’s friend to yours to play, to make up for your DD’s absence at party.

Unless I knew for definite he’d left then I wouldn’t even consider letting her go. The option of asking if you can stay is probably the best option

I don't know the mum at all, just on nodding terms at the school gates.
I also have another child at home so I can't realistically stay for the party.

@GiantSpider

I understand your hesitation OP, but realistically your DC is extremely unlikely to come to any harm at the party. I'd let her go.

She’s already been harmed by witnessing abuse. Scientific studies show that witnesses abuse has the same effect as being the target of abuse. I guess it’s how empathy works.

I'd let my dc go, I really can't see that there's a realistic risk to your dc here, although I can see why you are worried, I wouldn't want to isolate her friend during this traumatic time.
The mum is likely to have a friend or family member at the party for help/support too.

Argos sell PAYG phones from as little as £3. Just give him one and show him how to use it maybe?

@peacelikeariver

Yes my rational brain says nothing will happen. And I feel awful about making the child feel even worse. The rest of my brain thinks that it is too recent and a very dangerous time for the mum. Not really a situation I want to put my child in.

Follow your instinct. Don’t let guilt or peer pressure take over, your protective instincts are right. Your DD is your priority, sorry if that sounds evil but it’s her safety that’s on you. Witnessing a woman get strangled can cause PTSD just by itself. Witnessing abuse has the same effect as being abused, for most people’s brains.

Nope.
I wouldn't let my children go anywhere I knew was not safe.
You know this house to be unsafe.

Sorry, DD didn't directly witness the abuse, her friend only told her about it.
She knows it's something very sad and dangerous that's why she told me.

Look, you know what happened and whilst the mother probably would prefer it was a secret it isn’t. Perhaps you could message her saying that you feel really awkward but her DD has told yours that there had been some serious problems at home with her dad (?assume it’s her Dad not a partner). Say you are so sorry this has happened and you very much hope they are ok but obviously you do need to check what the arrangements are regarding the party because of course your DD wants to come but you obviously have to check everyone is safe.

I’d be very surprised if she was angry about this and depending on how you feel you could offer any support she might need with the party and make sure she knows you will keep her business confidential. I’d also stress how pleased you are that her DD trusted your DD to share her worries.

I don’t think you can do nothing, what if you arrive and the (alleged) culprit opens the door? That’s a whole new level of awkward.

Sorry, I realise you didn’t specify gender and the man is a partner not dad.

To be fair I wouldn't know him from Adam. He is also not the dad of DD friend.

I would only send my dc if I could confirm the abusive person wasn't going to be present.