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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DC go to this party. Trigger warning DV

131 replies

peacelikeariver · 04/02/2022 18:36

Sorry I don't know if trigger warning for DV is the done thing, so thought I'd better put it in. Haven't been on Mumsnet for a while.
DC has told me today that her friend had disclosed to her that her mum's partner had strangled her mum in front of her. DC didn't know when this had happened and also said she thought her friend hadn't told anyone else in school.
I decided to call the school, got a call back from the head(it's a very small school). They were already aware of it and have involved all the necessary people. It seems to have happened a few days ago.
My dilemma is this: DC is invited to a party at this friend's place this weekend. I don't know the mum other than seeing her at the school gates. Kids are around 9.
I am now reluctant to send DC to the party. Between the lines, I think the partner was thrown out but who knows. Obviously the school can't tell me anything.
I feel awful for the mum and child but also feel it is a risk to my child.
I was thinking to say DC is sick and then invite friend to our house at a later time and DC can give the friend her present in school next week.

Would that be unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
peacelikeariver · 04/02/2022 23:06

@Stressedout1009

Why do you want her to lie? I don't understand that, she's 9. Why can't she say you forgot you had plans and then actually do something with her.
Because any plans I can come up with that I'd be able to do at such short notice are trivial and could be postponed for a party. I couldn't come to your party because we had to watch a move and bake a cake would be weird, I think? I'll see if I'll actually be able to call the mum tomorrow morning.
OP posts:
Flickflak · 04/02/2022 23:15

This reply has been withdrawn

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LewittDee · 04/02/2022 23:29

Maybe just say you were exposed to COVID and to keep it on the safe side you'll be keeping DD home? Not crazy if you have restrictions.

JugglingJanuary · 04/02/2022 23:31

I think I'd say to her that Dd is feeling a bit nervous to come on her own, after all the time of covid, would she mind if I came too?

Them maybe see how she is when you're there and weigh up whether you talk to her about the DV or not.

Dd will probably be happier with you there too.

As for your other child, try to find someone will have them or take them with you, it's not the end of the world.

mahoncash · 04/02/2022 23:32

I wouldn’t send them, it was a few days ago not years ago, too soon, a man murdered his partner and her two children and one of their friends at a sleep over not long ago. There is a very high possibility the man will turn up

even if he does show up the possibility of him licking off in front of all the kids is slim I'd think

RedCandyApple · 04/02/2022 23:34

@mahoncash

I wouldn’t send them, it was a few days ago not years ago, too soon, a man murdered his partner and her two children and one of their friends at a sleep over not long ago. There is a very high possibility the man will turn up

even if he does show up the possibility of him licking off in front of all the kids is slim I'd think

It’s not a risk I would take with my kids 🤷‍♀️ An audience doesn’t bother some men.
mahoncash · 04/02/2022 23:35

I wouldn'tet her go, for the fact that your DD has told you the house is unsafe, and you'd then be letting her visit. It subconsciously erodes her boundaries of what is normal and acceptable

This, Very good point actually as it undermines the lessons you are to give to her even if there's no risk.

BeenHereForAges · 04/02/2022 23:37

I wouldn't send my child there op.

SE13Mummy · 05/02/2022 00:35

Who looks after your DC whilst you're at work? Could that person continue to look after your other DC so you are in a position to offer go to the party with your DD?

Call the party mum, let her know DD really wants to come to the party but that she's feeling nervous about coming because friend told her about party mum being strangled by her partner. Acknowledge that you don't really know each other but ask how she'd feel about you coming along with DD. Say you'll happily do the washing up, take photos or whatever as DD doesn't want to let her friend down, especially after the past few days. Tell her you know that offering an extra pair of hands at a party so a nervous 9-yr-old can attend is really for DD's benefit and if that doesn't work for them, perhaps party mum and her DD would like to come over for brunch on Sunday.

ADisgruntledPelican · 05/02/2022 00:47

Don't send her. A child with a mobile phone is no use against an abusive adult male.
I think you should come up with a clash that means she can't attend. Don't tell her its a lie. If you tell her you're lying about the clash, she'll worry she shouldn't have told you about the abuse. It's putting another burden on her that she doesn't need. You just need to make her feel safe. And do invite the friend round on a different day.

HaloKitties · 05/02/2022 00:52

What does your DD think? Have you asked her how she feels about going?

ADisgruntledPelican · 05/02/2022 01:16

Please don't ask a 9-yr-old to make a decision about her safety. It's a parenting decision and you can't guarantee her safety because you have no idea if the abusive male will be there and you also don't know what other issues there may be in the house because you don't know the mum.

CircleofWillis · 05/02/2022 05:37

@Christmas1988

I know it’s not the same thing but,

My son who was 5 at the time had a friend from school who he loved going to for tea, the little girl came to ours often too. I got friendly with the mum and had a few coffees after the school run. One day the mum confided in me that she caught her husband doing sexual stuff over web cam with minors. From that day forward I’ve never let my son go to that house, I’ve distanced myself from the mum because I’d feel awful if anything ever happened.

You will never for give yourself if something happened. It’s unlikely but there’s still a chance. I’d make your excuse because nothing is more important than a child’s safety.

But something had already happened. He was abusing minors over webcams. What did the police do as I assume you reported this vile man?

Also it is highly possible he would be abusing his own children as well.

You don't just have a responsibility to your own children in a situation like that.

coraka · 05/02/2022 06:06

No way would my child go to that house. It is not safe.

OopsadayZ · 05/02/2022 06:32

The child witnessed abuse, saw her mother strangled, confined in her friend - and she is rewarded and supported by having friends pull out of her birthday party.

That is a special kind of nastiness right there

Velvian · 05/02/2022 07:23

@OopsadayZ, it is not other children's job to mitigate the trauma the child is going through. I understand your sentiment, but parents' primary duty is to safeguard their own child.

Support and friendship can be given to the child by their friends in safer environments. It is awful for the child that this has happened just before their birthday, but it doesn't override safeguarding concerns.

I've been a child that went to a friend's chaotic and dangerous house, because my mum felt sorry for the friend. I desperately did not want to be there and felt so unsafe. It is not acceptable or responsible to put children into an environment you know to be unsafe because you feel sorry for a third party.

Changedmane · 05/02/2022 07:29

Don’t send her, but invite DD’s friend over and treat her well. The poor child has had a violent stranger living in her house, witnessed dv and is probably terrified.

NYnewstart · 05/02/2022 07:35

I’d started off thinking I’d let her go, but the comment about boundaries changed my mind.

You don’t know this mum so yes, just be honest and give her the choice of you coming or if that would be too awkward then her dd coming over to you. Then it’s her choice. Give her an option to think about it and let you know what she’d prefer, because her gut reaction might be different to what she decides after she thinks about it.

An embarrassing conversation but it allows mum a choice.

OopsadayZ · 05/02/2022 08:56

@Velvian you have misunderstood my post. Im sorry what your mother put you through. I say this gently but I think you are projecting slightly given your experience.

I did not say "ah fuck it, put your child at risk because the other child is more important". I'm not saying leave the your child alone with the volatile partner.

I'm saying there are options. They OP could offer to help and stay at the party. The OP could say tell the mother the truth "my child told me what happened, I'm here to offer any support, but the reason I'm mentioning it is because I'd like my child to go to the party but I'd like to stay too, I hope you understand".

It's not a 1:1 play date with the partner there which would be an entrepôt different, unacceptable situation.

LynetteScavo · 05/02/2022 09:15

I was in a similar situation. I thought very hard about it. In the end, as several other level headed parents were letting their DC go I took DD. I'm feeling anxious as I write this, even though it was a long time ago. There were other parties DD didn't attend (sleepovers) and I didn't want to say no too many times. Nothing bad happened. DD said the food wasn't great. Grin Overall I think I made the right decision.

Velvian · 05/02/2022 09:22

@OopsadayZ, you don't need to say it gently. I disagree with you. OP has already said that she can't stay and help, as she has another child.

Velvian · 05/02/2022 09:25

... And you didn't say anything about other options, you said it was a special kind of nastiness to keep the DC away from the party. It is not, it is a sensible response.

Foxglovers · 05/02/2022 09:59

@Grumpsy

I wouldn’t a child of mine go.

99% chance she will be fine. But there’s a (admittedly small) chance that something could happen. Why would you let your child knowingly go to that home?

This isn’t about DV or the family in general, but about you protecting your child, regardless of any feelings you have for that child’s friend. I’m not saying that your daughter shouldn’t be her friend, just that in my view she shouldn’t be going to her house.

Totally agree with this
LynetteScavo · 05/02/2022 11:49

@HaloKitties

What does your DD think? Have you asked her how she feels about going?
The children are 9 years old. It doesn't matter how the 9 year old feels (unless she doesn't want to go) her parents need to make the decision because they are adults and able to weigh up the risk.

Aged 9 my DD wanted to be left home alone and told me she would beat up any burglars that came. Because she was a child who didn't fully understand how the world works.

Original poster
peacelikeariver · 05/02/2022 14:28

Just heading home from work. As I didn't even have a break I had no chance to speak to the mum. I send her a message to say DC wasn't feeling well and best to be careful because of Covid situation and apologised and invited child another time to us. So DD can just say she wasn't feeling well on Monday if asked.
That may well make me evil in the eyes of some people but there are just too many unknown variables and frankly I don't have the energy to go there with DC for the afternoon and then rush home and get up for work at 4am again tomorrow.
DC is also clearly very disturbed by what she has been told and I will seek out the school social worker to ask her advice.
Thank you for your input everyone.

OP posts:
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