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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let DC go to this party. Trigger warning DV

131 replies

peacelikeariver · 04/02/2022 18:36

Sorry I don't know if trigger warning for DV is the done thing, so thought I'd better put it in. Haven't been on Mumsnet for a while.
DC has told me today that her friend had disclosed to her that her mum's partner had strangled her mum in front of her. DC didn't know when this had happened and also said she thought her friend hadn't told anyone else in school.
I decided to call the school, got a call back from the head(it's a very small school). They were already aware of it and have involved all the necessary people. It seems to have happened a few days ago.
My dilemma is this: DC is invited to a party at this friend's place this weekend. I don't know the mum other than seeing her at the school gates. Kids are around 9.
I am now reluctant to send DC to the party. Between the lines, I think the partner was thrown out but who knows. Obviously the school can't tell me anything.
I feel awful for the mum and child but also feel it is a risk to my child.
I was thinking to say DC is sick and then invite friend to our house at a later time and DC can give the friend her present in school next week.

Would that be unreasonable?

OP posts:

insanemumof3 · 04/02/2022 21:41

@Whatinthelord she may well not want them to witness the abuse just like Id say she didn't want her own child to witness the abuse, but she was powerless to stop the abuser which means she may well be powerless to stop any children in her care witness or suffering abuse from the abuser. Be realistic and put the child's wellbeing first.

@AutomaticMoon thank you very much for putting that out there for me, I never knew about cPTSD. I will speak with my counsellor about it. I think it's soul destroying to know how many children have their futures ruined before they even have a grasp on them because someone feels they have a right to abuse another human being. I never understood about it all I only knew was this man was hurting my mother and I was powerless to stop it. Now I can't even watch movies with any form of fighting in them. I sincerely hope you never had to witness or endure any of this.

Original poster

peacelikeariver · 04/02/2022 21:46

@insanemumof3 'Complex PTSD- from surviving to thriving' by Pete Walker is a very good book on the topic I thought.
And thank you very much for your input and good luck for the future.

OP posts:

Whatinthelord · 04/02/2022 21:49

@insanemumof3 that’s a fair point. I’d just hope they’d be able to find a safe alternative for the girls to still have a nice time together.

insanemumof3 · 04/02/2022 21:49

@peacelikeariver thank you very much and you too! Hoping for a peaceful happy resolution to your horrible position right now and I hope to the high heavens that your daughter is able to overcome this worrisome situation she is dealing with. She's too young to have this on her shoulders!

Workconundrummergirl · 04/02/2022 21:52

All I'd be able to think about is this: "I told my best friend (step) Dad did something awful and now her Mom won't let her come over for my birthday. I won't tell people in future "

I'd send her. It's been reported on, he's a shit but as she's already reported seems unlikely to kick off in front of a group of kids. Can you give her a phone and agree she just has to prank you and you'll come get her?

RB68 · 04/02/2022 21:53

I wld go and stay and explain to your daughter that if you are not able to stay then she will need to come home but invite other child and Mum for tea one day - if she is going through all this she will be feeling v isolated. I am not saying get involved but am saying dont exclude because of it - its hard enough

Original poster

peacelikeariver · 04/02/2022 21:54

@Hungry625f

I wouldn'tet her go, for the fact that your DD has told you the house is unsafe, and you'd then be letting her visit. It subconsciously erodes her boundaries of what is normal and acceptable.

However, if I could, I would talk to the mum, let her know that you know, ask her how she is. Then tell her your concerns. She may be able to allay your fears about the bloke, in which case you can reassure your DD that it is safe to go

I keep coming back to this about boundaries.

It's true isn't it, I can't on the one hand say to her 'yes it's a very bad thing and you were right to tell me' and at the same time say ' yes it's OK, you can go to the party.'

It's not like only I know what happened. DD knows too. And it's not like I can downplay it and say 'don't be silly, that's not so bad.'

OP posts:

AutomaticMoon · 04/02/2022 21:58

@insanemumof3 You’re very welcome lovely, there’s a great channel on YouTube ‘The Crappy Childhood Fairy’ and she makes great content about cPTSD. Unfortunately I did witness a lot of abuse, not just my father but other men, as I had to be in foster care and before that staying with random women my mother knew. My foster carer would beat the shit out of his nephews who would stay over weekends, while I had to watch. He would use belts and he would sexually abuse me when they weren’t there. My father beat me for hours with a wooden clothes hanger when I was 7 cause a foster carer accused me of stealing her daughter’s earrings (I hadn’t) and I falsely confessed after hours of this, I was 7. Another time I had to stay with a woman my mom knew and her violent alcoholic husband beat their teen daughter in front of me black and blue, she took me and we ran away. There was a lot of violence in my childhood.

I haven’t been able to access help on the NHS though, luckily I discovered some meds to help me sleep online (trazodone) and buy them (illegally) I was suicidal for decades, first tried at age 13 and last at 24, it was hard going. So I consider myself lucky to have found them. Art therapy is good too!

RG2468 · 04/02/2022 21:58

No no no no nooooooo!!

cadburyegg · 04/02/2022 22:00

I wouldn't let her go

Original poster

peacelikeariver · 04/02/2022 22:00

It's all a bit short notice too, I have to work at the weekend until the party starts so was just planning to go home and drop DC off. I might be able to call from work but it's been very busy so not sure.

I really don't like the idea of giving DC a phone and putting the responsibility on her to call me if something happened.
Then she be really terrified.

OP posts:

Original poster

peacelikeariver · 04/02/2022 22:06

@Workconundrummergirl

All I'd be able to think about is this: "I told my best friend (step) Dad did something awful and now her Mom won't let her come over for my birthday. I won't tell people in future "

Yes of course that is also a concern but if we invite her to us and she still gets her present she might not think that? I really don't want to shun her completely. DC just pulled the rug from under my feet and I've been thinking 'Shit what do I do now?' since then..

OP posts:

goldfluffyclouds · 04/02/2022 22:13

I don't think you've mentioned your Dd's age but I think the fact that she is clearly bothered by what's happened and is needing comfort and reassurance means you need to be the adult here and protect her.
You've just double checked the dates and because of blah blah blah it's not going to work and you're really sorry that it's your fault but it's just not possible for her to go to the party. But look why not invite friend over for a special playdate at yours to make up for it. Same reason to your DD as you give to her friends mum.

RedCandyApple · 04/02/2022 22:17

The child is 9, the age is in the op....

Stressedout1009 · 04/02/2022 22:19

I feel for the little girl if everyone decided not to go. She confided in your dd, so maybe that's her closest friend right now. Such a dilemma. However I wouldn't feel comfortable. What if this person decides to pitch up given it's an event and he feels he has a right to be there. Honestly I would only allow my dd to go if I could be there as well. You don't know how the mum is handling it. What if she's refusing to report him/ reconciling with him/ making up with him? It just happened recently so you aren't sure as well what's the situation.

Vispa · 04/02/2022 22:19

That poor woman and child. I would absolutely not be sending my child there. I would say unfortunately DD can't make the party, but invite the friend out to play and make her very welcome to come to yours.

SuPerDoPer · 04/02/2022 22:25

Sleepover = no way
Party with group of other kids for a few hours = yes, I would.
He's very unlikely to be physically abusive in front of a crowd of 9 year old girls in the middle of the afternoon.

Original poster

peacelikeariver · 04/02/2022 22:40

@goldfluffyclouds

I don't think you've mentioned your Dd's age but I think the fact that she is clearly bothered by what's happened and is needing comfort and reassurance means you need to be the adult here and protect her. You've just double checked the dates and because of blah blah blah it's not going to work and you're really sorry that it's your fault but it's just not possible for her to go to the party. But look why not invite friend over for a special playdate at yours to make up for it. Same reason to your DD as you give to her friends mum.

But if I give the same reason to DD and the mum I then have to perform whatever reason it is for DD. Otherwise she'd also know its a lie. If I could think of a terribly important event we needed to attend on a Saturday afternoon after work that I'd forgotten about until now I'd have used it already. Bearing in mind we still have Covid restrictions here so not a lot to do anyway.

OP posts:

Original poster

peacelikeariver · 04/02/2022 22:43

@AutomaticMoon I'm so sorry you went through such awful things. I second the 'crappy childhood fairy', she is great. Best wishes to you.

OP posts:

Barrawarra · 04/02/2022 22:48

Wouldn’t you just tell your child the truth about why they can’t go? You’ve told me about dangerous things that happened in that house and I can’t let you be in that situation. I’d imagine she’d be relieved that you have made that decision, she must be nervous given what she knows. I’d not send mine btw and think your plan of a separate occasion is nice. I’d also advocate with my child to be honest with the friend - my mum is worried about things being safe but wants to invite you over. Unless friend doesn’t know your DC has told you of course.

WorstXmasEver · 04/02/2022 22:48

I wouldn't even consider letting my kid go. It's hard enough to trust people but when you know something like that it's a done deal.

The kids can see each other at school etc and be friends.

Stressedout1009 · 04/02/2022 22:49

Why not be honest with your dd. She's 9 and I think old enough really. My dd is younger and I can imagine having this conversation with her. I would say that you are not comfortable and you can see she isn't either. You don't want to hurt her friends feelings so rather say you forgot you had plans. And then make plans, movie/game night at home, baking, or fun activity.

timeisnotaline · 04/02/2022 22:50

@MatildaTheCat

Look, you know what happened and whilst the mother probably would prefer it was a secret it isn’t. Perhaps you could message her saying that you feel really awkward but her DD has told yours that there had been some serious problems at home with her dad (?assume it’s her Dad not a partner). Say you are so sorry this has happened and you very much hope they are ok but obviously you do need to check what the arrangements are regarding the party because of course your DD wants to come but you obviously have to check everyone is safe.

I’d be very surprised if she was angry about this and depending on how you feel you could offer any support she might need with the party and make sure she knows you will keep her business confidential. I’d also stress how pleased you are that her DD trusted your DD to share her worries.

I don’t think you can do nothing, what if you arrive and the (alleged) culprit opens the door? That’s a whole new level of awkward.

This. It all just stays secret and taboo and I can’t tell anyone so later people are shocked and I had no idea and he seemed so nice. Say this to her. Let her reality be heard and ok (not ok at all but not a shameful secret) and that also makes it easier for you to keep your dd safe. Do you not have a partner or someone who could take your younger dc for a couple of hours? As I’d prefer to go , I wouldn’t want to avoid this child’s party as they’ve been through a lot.

Original poster

peacelikeariver · 04/02/2022 22:55

@Barrawarra

Well yes I've been honest with DD but was thinking to tell her we will say you were not feeling well, because we don't want to hurt friend's feelings. I actually think she could pull that off( she can lie so well, if she told me the sky was green I'd have to go outside and check, unfortunately) but it could also pose a problem.

OP posts:

Stressedout1009 · 04/02/2022 22:57

Why do you want her to lie? I don't understand that, she's 9. Why can't she say you forgot you had plans and then actually do something with her.

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