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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DC go to this party. Trigger warning DV

131 replies

peacelikeariver · 04/02/2022 18:36

Sorry I don't know if trigger warning for DV is the done thing, so thought I'd better put it in. Haven't been on Mumsnet for a while.
DC has told me today that her friend had disclosed to her that her mum's partner had strangled her mum in front of her. DC didn't know when this had happened and also said she thought her friend hadn't told anyone else in school.
I decided to call the school, got a call back from the head(it's a very small school). They were already aware of it and have involved all the necessary people. It seems to have happened a few days ago.
My dilemma is this: DC is invited to a party at this friend's place this weekend. I don't know the mum other than seeing her at the school gates. Kids are around 9.
I am now reluctant to send DC to the party. Between the lines, I think the partner was thrown out but who knows. Obviously the school can't tell me anything.
I feel awful for the mum and child but also feel it is a risk to my child.
I was thinking to say DC is sick and then invite friend to our house at a later time and DC can give the friend her present in school next week.

Would that be unreasonable?

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 04/02/2022 19:18

YABU

A very high percentage have DV going on at home and you only know because you were told but usually you wouldn’t know.

I think the kid has been through enough and having their friends round for their birthday will mean so much to them.

Is your DC too young for a phone?
Would it give you piece of mind if they took one?

Christmas1988 · 04/02/2022 19:30

I know it’s not the same thing but,

My son who was 5 at the time had a friend from school who he loved going to for tea, the little girl came to ours often too. I got friendly with the mum and had a few coffees after the school run. One day the mum confided in me that she caught her husband doing sexual stuff over web cam with minors. From that day forward I’ve never let my son go to that house, I’ve distanced myself from the mum because I’d feel awful if anything ever happened.

You will never for give yourself if something happened. It’s unlikely but there’s still a chance. I’d make your excuse because nothing is more important than a child’s safety.

2022changenotecho · 04/02/2022 19:34

@WonderfulYou

YABU

A very high percentage have DV going on at home and you only know because you were told but usually you wouldn’t know.

I think the kid has been through enough and having their friends round for their birthday will mean so much to them.

Is your DC too young for a phone?
Would it give you piece of mind if they took one?

But in this case the OP DOES know there's DV going on, so surely she should act upon that information responsibly. Very weird to say that we don't always know when DV is going on, and so should continue to behave normally even when we do know DV is going on.

As mean as this may sound, this is the OP's DD we're talking about and her child's safety and welfare is her responsibility. If the other girl has one less friend at the party, that's sad, but the OP's DD shouldn't potentially be at risk because of that. And OP is willing to make it up by inviting the friend round and giving her some quality one-on-one time with her DD.

Not really sure what a phone would do in this situation. If the DD needs to call her mum to say she's witnessed something bad or is uncomfortable so she wants to be picked up early, by then the damage has already been done.

hpdiehard · 04/02/2022 19:39

I think the best thing to do would be to sensitively message the mum. Then you can find out the lay of the land. DV victims are also frequently isolated by their partners so she may not have many people around her and may be thankful for you reaching out: the worst that can happen is she denies it or tells your it's none of your business.. but I think if your children are close there needs to be transparency

Foxglovers · 04/02/2022 19:51

I wouldn’t let her go.
I’m sure it will all be fine but it’s just not worth the risk?
Also if the school are aware sounds like more has been going on that you know of.
Yes You feel bad for that mum and kid but your child is the priority for you x

AlternativePerspective · 04/02/2022 19:52

Imagine if all the children’s parents think as you do. TheN suddenly this little girl is going to go from looking forward to having a party to being excluded by her friends. Friends never coming round any more, parents refusing to allow their children to be friends with her.

I do understand the worry but the repercussions for this child are potentially immense. She’s witnessed domestic violence, has talked to her friend, and now she’s being punished for it.

What reason are you going to give your child for banning her from this party?

AlternativePerspective · 04/02/2022 19:55

Bearing in mind, if you think that this man is capable of killing your daughter you can presumably no longer allow a friendship between these children? After all if he can go back there to kill her he can come to yours as wel. So you’re going to have to knock this friendship on the head.

And I disagree that there is more to it if the school are aware. It’s more likely that the mum has gone in to speak to them because her daughter witnessed domestic violence and she wanted to talk to them before the daughter did and it be flagged as a safeguarding concern if she hadn’t told them.

RedCandyApple · 04/02/2022 19:58

And I disagree that there is more to it if the school are aware. It’s more likely that the mum has gone in to speak to them because her daughter witnessed domestic violence and she wanted to talk to them before the daughter did and it be flagged as a safeguarding concern if she hadn’t told them.

Nope much more likely that the daughter mentioned it to them or the police/ss informed them than the mother.

RJnomore1 · 04/02/2022 20:04

I’d rea h out gently to the mum too. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

RJnomore1 · 04/02/2022 20:05

Thst is horrendous advice from alternative perspective there.

sadpapercourtesan · 04/02/2022 20:07

@RJnomore1

Thst is horrendous advice from alternative perspective there.
@AlternativePerspective hasn't given "horrendous" advice any more than you have. OP asked for opinions and that's what she's getting. It's a delicate judgement call - of course we don't all agree.

I agree that making contact with the mum might be a nice thing to do, if you felt able to. She must be feeling pretty awful right now, and ruining her daughter's birthday (through nobody's fault but the abusive twat who assaulted her) won't be making her feel any better.

RJnomore1 · 04/02/2022 20:09

No it is. Saying she must stop the friendship because the father might come to her house is terrible, awful advice that is completely lacking in common sense, empathy and the ability to sensibly understand risk.

sadpapercourtesan · 04/02/2022 20:12

I don't think her posts mean what you think they mean Confused

insanemumof3 · 04/02/2022 20:14

Please OP do not send your child.
I am 27 years of age and now having to receive counselling as I witnessed my step father beat my mum to a pulp on a daily basis. The trauma of witnessing it as a young child has messed my brain up in ways I couldn't even describe but is only affecting me severely now I have my children around the same age as I was when I witnessed it all. Don't take the chance, a domestic abuser does not think logically or rashionally.

RJnomore1 · 04/02/2022 20:18

Sorry if I have misunderstood?

thehistorymum · 04/02/2022 20:22

I wouldn’t let her go.

AlternativePerspective · 04/02/2022 20:23

No it is. Saying she must stop the friendship because the father might come to her house is terrible, awful advice that is completely lacking in common sense, empathy and the ability to sensibly understand risk. except that’s not what I said at all.

The reality though is that if people are telling the OP to keep her child away from this child because of the risk to her, then those people are essentially saying that the OP needs to stop the friendship between these two children.

If the OP deems her child to be at risk, then she is at risk wherever she comes into contact with this child.

Posters are also advising the OP to essentially isolate this child from her’s by banning her child from the party.

Victims of domestic violence are often isolated because of this attitude that other people don’t want it anywhere near them and theirs.

There is not an ounce of empathy on this thread from posters telling the OP that her child comes first and if that means banning her from the friend’s house then that’s just unfortunate.

When people tell posters to essentially isolate victims like this they need to think through the wider implications of what they’re actually telling them.

Grumpsy · 04/02/2022 20:25

I wouldn’t a child of mine go.

99% chance she will be fine. But there’s a (admittedly small) chance that something could happen. Why would you let your child knowingly go to that home?

This isn’t about DV or the family in general, but about you protecting your child, regardless of any feelings you have for that child’s friend. I’m not saying that your daughter shouldn’t be her friend, just that in my view she shouldn’t be going to her house.

Grumpsy · 04/02/2022 20:26

@Christmas1988

I know it’s not the same thing but,

My son who was 5 at the time had a friend from school who he loved going to for tea, the little girl came to ours often too. I got friendly with the mum and had a few coffees after the school run. One day the mum confided in me that she caught her husband doing sexual stuff over web cam with minors. From that day forward I’ve never let my son go to that house, I’ve distanced myself from the mum because I’d feel awful if anything ever happened.

You will never for give yourself if something happened. It’s unlikely but there’s still a chance. I’d make your excuse because nothing is more important than a child’s safety.

I hope you reported her husband to the police!
Velvian · 04/02/2022 20:26

I wouldn't let my DCs go in this situation. It is not a safe environment.

insanemumof3 · 04/02/2022 20:26

@AlternativePerspective just because she is putting her daughter first in this instance and deciding what is the best choice 'in this instance' does not qualify as cutting all communications and friendship with this child's friend. She's being realistic. She is being smart.

AlternativePerspective · 04/02/2022 20:28

So how do people propose the OP tell her child that she’s no longer allowed to go to the party?

Obviously the OP will have to lie to her if she doesn’t want the child to go back and repeat to her friend that her mummy said she can’t go because her stepdad hurt her mum.

RJnomore1 · 04/02/2022 20:29

@AlternativePerspective I apologise I completely misread your point and I agree. I do think she can mitigate her concerns by talking to the mum but I realise talking to people is very much not the MN done thingX

Original poster
peacelikeariver · 04/02/2022 20:30

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful input.
DD is affected by it more than I thought, she's been wanting to talk about it as she is worried for her friend.
Just to clarify I really don't want the child to feel bad or excluded. That's why I was thinking to invite the child here another time and she will of course also get her present. That way I would also have a chance to meet the mum and get some idea of the situation maybe.
It's really difficult and all a bit sudden and short notice. I haven't decided what to do yet but I'm really grateful for all perspectives.

OP posts:
Hungry625f · 04/02/2022 20:33

I wouldn'tet her go, for the fact that your DD has told you the house is unsafe, and you'd then be letting her visit. It subconsciously erodes her boundaries of what is normal and acceptable.

However, if I could, I would talk to the mum, let her know that you know, ask her how she is. Then tell her your concerns. She may be able to allay your fears about the bloke, in which case you can reassure your DD that it is safe to go

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