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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about changes to DPs stag

654 replies

Mizanined · 04/02/2022 14:55

Name changed for this in case the people involved are on here! :D

So DPs stag do before our August wedding is planned for Easter, his two best men booked a dozen of them in an AirBnB at the seaside for a weekend, about an hour from where most of our group (bar one couple G and B) live and grew up.

About two years ago G moved away up to Newcastle to be with his gf B who is from there. Just after the booking was made B messaged the best men asking if the venue could be moved as seaside town was a long way for G to travel, and hard for him to get home from quickly if needed (they have an 18mo DS). DP wasn't really bothered as hes just looking forward to having everyone together in one place for the first time in ages, and is keen to just drink and play video games etc. As a group theyre not massively into big nights out etc so in the end the best men agreed to move it. However the only comparable accom. available was in the next town along from us, where the boys all went to college and where DP currently works.

In the last week B has started messaging our main group chat; it transpires her and the baby are also going to drive down and stay somewhere locally for the weekend. Bit weird but fine! One of the best men who lives in the stag town even offered her his house to stay in for free for the weekend (he lives alone).

B has now messaged the group saying she has booked a place for herself - essentially the annex of the place the boys are staying! It is seprarate to their cottage but sharing a driveway and possibly even an entrance! She has now somehow got herself added to the boys group chat and is heavily pushing to be involved in events, including asking if their meal on the Saturday can be moved forward so she and baby can come (which would involve moving the one big outdoor activity they have booked), and oh if I'm coming we may as well invite Mizaninded and all the other girls as well!

Understandably the best men are getting a bit pissed off. DP to his credit is trying to be nice and just saying its fine, why not just turn it into a big group holiday etc but this just doesnt sit right with me for a few reasons:

  • The moving the venue to be easier for G is bollox because its barely 40 minutes difference
  • The new cottage does look lovely BUT its only the next town over from our home - seaside town would at least have been somewhere new to explore, opportunity for pubs / eating out etc but now if they want a pub etc it will basically the local places DP goes to all the time so won't be particularly special for him - AND to cap it off the new cottage is literally in the shadow of DPs work so it won't exactly feel like a holiday!
  • The boys won't exactly be taking cocaine and partying with strippers etc but a gf and baby just through the wall will totally change the dynamic!
  • Now starting to feel guilty about my own hen, which is about 3 weeks later and involves a beach weekend in a foreign country. Most of the guys gfs / wives etc are coming to this and the guys are all sucking up plans to solo parent etc for that weekend without complaint.

I guess I'm just feeling gutted for DP that this event, which is supposed to be special for him, has basically been completely taken over and am also a bit pissed off with B. I know its nothing to do with me really but AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mizanined · 04/02/2022 16:31

I think whats making her think this is OK is there ARE actually 2 girls (DPs old friends) going to the meal bit so shes saying well it isnt strictly men only!

OP posts:
PeakyBlender · 04/02/2022 16:32

Nope. You need to tell her straight.

Original poster
Mizanined · 04/02/2022 16:32

To whoever asked - yes B is meant to be coming to my hen (which I'm now massively regretting lol)

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 04/02/2022 16:33

You need to tell her really really straight.

The stag is for friends only. Not partners.

MadameGazelleBand · 04/02/2022 16:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

Dishwashersaurous · 04/02/2022 16:35

And it's a sunk cost. It's paid no matter whether she goes or not.

It's so batshit it's untrue.

Could you make her come to yours for the weekend? Basically kidnap her so simple so that she doesn't take over the stage weekend

IcicleIcicle · 04/02/2022 16:36

Best man needs to come back with 'so it's ok with you that no one else, including MizaninedDP WHOSE STAG IT IS, gets anything remotely like what they wanted or planned just so you (B) don't lose your deposit?' He needs to put it back on B and make it clear that she has effectively ruined the stag for everyone else.

Allsorts1 · 04/02/2022 16:36

Good god! She is bang out of order! Your poor DP! And obviously it’s up to the boys to support but I would be super upset that my fiancé didn’t get the fun stag he wanted too - especially if it’s because they’re all too polite to put their foot down. If it was me I would honestly tell her she is uninvited to the hens unless she sorts out the madness and doesn’t gate crash your fiancés stag do - tell her woman to woman that she’s being really weird and you want your groom to have a fun stag do! And that she is on no account to invite any of your friends along - and also message the rest of your girls on the side and tell them about the situation and ask them to refuse to gate crash with her.

Thatsplentyjack · 04/02/2022 16:37

If I was acting like this my dp wouldn't go to the stag. He would be too embarrassed. I'm surprised this guy is going along with it.

MerryMarigold · 04/02/2022 16:38

@Mizanined

I think whats making her think this is OK is there ARE actually 2 girls (DPs old friends) going to the meal bit so shes saying well it isnt strictly men only!
No, it's not men only, it's FRIENDS only.

Who added B to the group chat? Someone needs to hand them a grip! Also, has no one actually ASKED G why B needs to come and stay in the accommodation nextdoor? Being worried about a child/ parenting to this extent is not normal. Obviously ask in a phonecall not the group chat. If there are deeper issues, is there friends and family she could stay with? Clearly G is going to be staying in 'her' place not with the lads. One of his mates needs to be helping out here with either her level of control or anxiety as it must be really hard for him to live with.

titchy · 04/02/2022 16:39

Someone needs to have a quiet word with G so he pulls out, stays with B wherever B has booked and the rest of them go back to plan A seaside town. And you need to remove B from your hen chat, or at least publicly say that you do not expect any of the hens to attend the stag.

rookiemere · 04/02/2022 16:40

Maybe message her privately.
B this is my DPs stag do, he wants his mates to be there and celebrate the fact he's getting married. It's not a family holiday which is why I'm not going. He wants to do X and go to Y which can't be done with a baby, please do the right thing and let him have the events that are planned without bringing your baby along.

rookiemere · 04/02/2022 16:41

Or actually maybe a word to G is better as he gets social norms.

IncompleteSenten · 04/02/2022 16:41

G needs to be told she cannot go on the stag.
She needs to be removed from the whatapp group and if g can't go to the stag then fair enough.

Either she is controlling and he is in an abusive relationship or he's been sticking his dick where he shouldn't !

Orchid876 · 04/02/2022 16:42

B is mental, and I feel sorry for your DP too! DP needs to ask his best man to regain control of this stag do. Best man needs to remove B from the group chat, she is not involved in this. Then best man needs to tell G that either B butts out and stays at home (or at least away from them), or G doesn't go to the stag do.

JudgeJ · 04/02/2022 16:44

@Giraffesandbottoms

Your husband needs to put his foot down this is absurd. Who the fuck does this woman think she is?!
I'd be tempted to send her an extending dog-lead, poor man being lumbered with such a cling-on!
Original poster
Mizanined · 04/02/2022 16:44

DP and best men have just had a text from G basically saying really sorry this has escalated so quickly and hes going to sort it out. Will keep everyone posted...

OP posts:
Original poster
Mizanined · 04/02/2022 16:46

I love DP but honestly its just so annoying he always has to be "the nice guy" lol his best men are the same!!

OP posts:
Orchid876 · 04/02/2022 16:46

Ooh good OP, keep us updated on the drama!

Dishwashersaurous · 04/02/2022 16:46

I really hope that he is sorting it. Maybe he's finally twigged that her demands are unreasonable

Pbbananabagel · 04/02/2022 16:47

Yeah you could message her directly and say “Hi B, really need to talk with you about DP’s stag woman to woman I know this is a bit awkward, but it’s meant to be a weekend for him, doing what he wants with his mates and you being just next door is changing the dynamic a bit. He’d never say anything but I think he’s feeling a bit disappointed it won’t be the catch up with old friends he was expecting. I’m so excited you’re coming on my hen and we’ll have a load of fun just us ladies, I would really appreciate you giving the guys some space to do the same if you see what I mean? Thanks xx”

JustLyra · 04/02/2022 16:48

@Mizanined

To whoever asked - yes B is meant to be coming to my hen (which I'm now massively regretting lol)
So she can go abroad for the weekend for your hen, but he can’t go down the road?

Either that’s very controlling, he’s cheated and she’s paranoid or he and the kid are coming on your hen and you just don’t know it yet….

NorthSouthcatlady · 04/02/2022 16:48

Are they one of those couples?! Are there any other crazy back stories? This is incredibly cringey. G is acting like it’s stag do and it’s to be at his convenience. It really isn’t. They both need telling, it’s really not fair in your fiancé. My fiancé is laidback but if l tried to muscle in on of his friends stag do it would be a hard no

JudgeJ · 04/02/2022 16:48

@MrsTerryPratchett

Does anyone actually know her well and can have a frank conversation? This could be anything from anxiety, long term PND, controlling partner (in either direction), he's cheated on a stag before, or just plain batshittery. And without talking to her, there's no way to tell exactly how unreasonable she's being.
Or she could simply be a very entitled person who likes having her own way! Not everything has some medical reason, some people are just annoying.
HelloDulling · 04/02/2022 16:48

Good for G.

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