AIBU about changes to DPs stag

[Mizanined]

Name changed for this in case the people involved are on here! :D

So DPs stag do before our August wedding is planned for Easter, his two best men booked a dozen of them in an AirBnB at the seaside for a weekend, about an hour from where most of our group (bar one couple G and B) live and grew up.

About two years ago G moved away up to Newcastle to be with his gf B who is from there. Just after the booking was made B messaged the best men asking if the venue could be moved as seaside town was a long way for G to travel, and hard for him to get home from quickly if needed (they have an 18mo DS). DP wasn't really bothered as hes just looking forward to having everyone together in one place for the first time in ages, and is keen to just drink and play video games etc. As a group theyre not massively into big nights out etc so in the end the best men agreed to move it. However the only comparable accom. available was in the next town along from us, where the boys all went to college and where DP currently works.

In the last week B has started messaging our main group chat; it transpires her and the baby are also going to drive down and stay somewhere locally for the weekend. Bit weird but fine! One of the best men who lives in the stag town even offered her his house to stay in for free for the weekend (he lives alone).

B has now messaged the group saying she has booked a place for herself - essentially the annex of the place the boys are staying! It is seprarate to their cottage but sharing a driveway and possibly even an entrance! She has now somehow got herself added to the boys group chat and is heavily pushing to be involved in events, including asking if their meal on the Saturday can be moved forward so she and baby can come (which would involve moving the one big outdoor activity they have booked), and oh if I'm coming we may as well invite Mizaninded and all the other girls as well!

Understandably the best men are getting a bit pissed off. DP to his credit is trying to be nice and just saying its fine, why not just turn it into a big group holiday etc but this just doesnt sit right with me for a few reasons:

• The moving the venue to be easier for G is bollox because its barely 40 minutes difference
• The new cottage does look lovely BUT its only the next town over from our home - seaside town would at least have been somewhere new to explore, opportunity for pubs / eating out etc but now if they want a pub etc it will basically the local places DP goes to all the time so won't be particularly special for him - AND to cap it off the new cottage is literally in the shadow of DPs work so it won't exactly feel like a holiday!
• The boys won't exactly be taking cocaine and partying with strippers etc but a gf and baby just through the wall will totally change the dynamic!
• Now starting to feel guilty about my own hen, which is about 3 weeks later and involves a beach weekend in a foreign country. Most of the guys gfs / wives etc are coming to this and the guys are all sucking up plans to solo parent etc for that weekend without complaint.

I guess I'm just feeling gutted for DP that this event, which is supposed to be special for him, has basically been completely taken over and am also a bit pissed off with B. I know its nothing to do with me really but AIBU?

[quote Shitandhills]@AcrossthePond55 removed bride/op from hen chat because B is on there slagging off all the stags for trying to deal with her batshittery and BMs want bride to avoid stress. Plus B is also trying to get the other hens on board by inviting them to the stag too.[/quote]
OK, got it now!!!

I'm telling you, B reminds me more and more of DH's former BFF's wife. They start with one crazy thing then if they don't get their way they escalate the situation until it reaches the dizzy heights!

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

This is a crock. Admittedly an entertaining crock, but a crock nonetheless. 🤷‍♀️

Of course it is. The text with the high chair was a massive shark jump.

Agreed. Why do people do this?

YANBU at all, she is! Your DP really should put his foot down as it’s a one off (hopefully) occasion and she’s taking over. Their relationship dynamic is nothing to do with your DP and maybe the best men can put G and B right about this. I’d be spitting feathers if I was you.

It seems that there's a serious lack of trust behind this issue. Someone needs to speak to her husband and find out what the problem is and if it can't be fixed, perhaps suggest that he/they don't go at all.

@MenaiMna

Vloggamammy: asterisked for the faint hearted F O to the far side of F then F O* some more

Thanks - was really wracking my head trying to figure it out LOL

@eekbumbler

20 odd years ago my partner went away with work for the weekend, it was a work event. I ended up calling the place constantly demanding to know what he was doing, who he was speaking to, what women were there...

It's sad to look back on that now. I would have been labelled a controlling nutter - not far off! But I was very very ill mentally and didn't realise.

I think your DP needs to open up to G and give G an opportunity to say how it is and maybe G bows out. It's a stag do, none of them will want B there (unless G for a quiet life).

It's odd to think I was like B, but it was so awful living in a state on constant anxiety, mistrust and mainly paranoia that I do actually feel for B. But she needs help.

Apologies if got me BeeGees mixed up!

My cousin had a fiance like this, she rang his work constantly to the point where he was starting to get into trouble for it . In the end he finished with her but it sounds like she may have been mentally unwell too. I suppose you can never tell if its an illness or if the person is just very controlling. I had a tutor also who spoke of her son's ex girlfriend who was constantly showing up had him on a tight leash. He ended up marrying an Australian woman and my tutor loved her because she said the woman didn't give a fig what her hubby was up to and he felt so much more free with her. I guess if it's a case of mental illness it becomes everyones illness until she gets help - look at the damage she has caused already and poor G is looking like a fool to his friends now.

Sounds like she is obsessive and controlling, anyone who behaves like this doesn't trust her partner and wants to keep him under her thumb.

I agree with other posters, he needs to put his foot down and tell her to f@*$ off, it isn't about her, i'm surprised she actually has the balls to even suggest this. She sounds just like a woman I know, very insicure, partner isn't allowed to do anything, go anywhere, txt or even speak to other females (unless she deams them unnatractive/safe enough) yet she muscles in on every outing he's actually allowed on, her phone contacts are predominantly males who she text's all the time and she hangs out with 90% males.

Well i just think - and this is 28 years marriage - if you cannot trust your spouse / partner - that is one thing. ). DH ( for job has had to go for so many weeks away - because the job needed it & some I was invited on - so more a recognition event - but didn't go. Still here .

You know, sometimes it really isn't about inability to trust or due to cheating in a prior relationship. Sometimes it's just an overwhelming need to control one's partner AND the partner's 'sphere'.

DH's former BFF's wife saw to it that his world 'shrank' until it only contained her, her family, and her 'approved' friends. His family saw little of him and his friends completely cut out.

@AcrossthePond55 - It work both ways I think whether your partner / spouse is male or female - reducing their sphere of friends or what they can do is just behaving badly to your partner. Many years ago I had a partner who would come down & tell me it's late if I had friends round , time they went home , or indeed check my mileage on my car when I had been out to work to make sure I had not made a diversion. Got fed up - he was binned. But easy to let these kid of behaviours sneak up on you .

[quote BasiliskStare]@AcrossthePond55 - It work both ways I think whether your partner / spouse is male or female - reducing their sphere of friends or what they can do is just behaving badly to your partner. Many years ago I had a partner who would come down & tell me it's late if I had friends round , time they went home , or indeed check my mileage on my car when I had been out to work to make sure I had not made a diversion. Got fed up - he was binned. But easy to let these kid of behaviours sneak up on you .[/quote]
Absolutely! A controlling person is a controlling person, it has nothing to do with gender. Glad you got rid of yours!!

It's just so sad to see it happen to someone you care deeply about. For some it is a 'boiling frog' situation. But for others it's desperation to be 'coupled up' regardless of the 'cost'. For DH's friend, it was (and is) the latter. He knew about and acknowledged her behaviour but asked everyone to go along with her to 'make his life easier'. It just got to the point where her behaviour became so egregious no one could handle it anymore and they had to 'phase him' out of their group. I can easily see the same thing happening at some point with B and G in this scenario.

This is crazy.

@AcrossthePond55 this is exactly the scenario we’ve had with our relatives who behave like this. We’ve not found a solution other than limiting contact. Did you find anything else worked? My concern with phasing them out is that the boyfriend will become isolated and it will become increasingly hard for him to leave which creates a vicious circle where she can demand ever more control knowing he’s no other option. I feel like if the roles were reversed and the man was being controlling it would be taken more seriously as domestic issue or coercive control but because it’s the female who’s controlling it’s viewed as harmless bunny boiling.

She sounds needy ! Poor G!

[quote CookieMunch]@AcrossthePond55 this is exactly the scenario we’ve had with our relatives who behave like this. We’ve not found a solution other than limiting contact. Did you find anything else worked? My concern with phasing them out is that the boyfriend will become isolated and it will become increasingly hard for him to leave which creates a vicious circle where she can demand ever more control knowing he’s no other option. I feel like if the roles were reversed and the man was being controlling it would be taken more seriously as domestic issue or coercive control but because it’s the female who’s controlling it’s viewed as harmless bunny boiling.[/quote]
No, we didn't. The group was pretty much 'forced' into dropping the friend because he ended up giving them an ultimatum, accept her behaviour or he would no longer be part of the group. The choice was painful for them, but it was pretty much the only thing they could do.

DH was 'deputized' by the rest of them as he was closer to BFF than any of the others. DH sat him down and explained why and how her behaviour was negatively affecting the group AND the group's concern that perhaps he didn't realize that he was in an abusive relationship. He denied it was abusive although he acknowledged that her need for absolute control of him and everyone around him was affecting him negatively too. And he argued that 'the other wives/gfs' weren't banned, so she shouldn't be either. But most of us only showed up once in a very blue moon and when we did we sat off by ourselves chatting and let the men get on with their sport. We certainly didn't hang off them like limpets, try to rearrange everything, and cry when we didn't get our way. In the end he said she was his wife and he would always choose her no matter what she did or said. His reason was because he wanted to be married and he'd rather be miserable with her than be 'unhappy' on his own. The group told him they'd always welcome him, but that unless she changed, she was not welcome. It's been 12 years now and nothing has changed. One or two of the 'guys' is in touch with him on FB, but they don't see him and it's well known that she 'monitors' his FB so it's nothing but the usual 'pleasantries'. She made him block DH because he (naturally) told her about the whole conversation. He also no longer participates in the sport he once excelled at. He dropped it because it isn't something she wants to attend.

Limited contact is the best you can hope for. And letting them know that you're always there should they need a shoulder to cry on or a strong arm to carry their suitcases.

God that’s so sad Acrossthepond

@CoraPirbright

God that’s so sad Acrossthepond

It was really upsetting for the 'guy group' and there were some actual tears shed by some of them at the end when things fell apart. They'd been tight friends, more like brothers, for over 20 years when she came on the scene. And all because of one domineering, abusive woman.

He's still with her, obviously, but his world is just so small now. But as long as she is the centre of it, I guess they're both 'happy'.

Shamelessly waiting for the update after the call

[quote CookieMunch]@AcrossthePond55 this is exactly the scenario we’ve had with our relatives who behave like this. We’ve not found a solution other than limiting contact. Did you find anything else worked? My concern with phasing them out is that the boyfriend will become isolated and it will become increasingly hard for him to leave which creates a vicious circle where she can demand ever more control knowing he’s no other option. I feel like if the roles were reversed and the man was being controlling it would be taken more seriously as domestic issue or coercive control but because it’s the female who’s controlling it’s viewed as harmless bunny boiling.[/quote]
It is domestic abuse and coercive control. It's sadly also true that even when the abuser is male and the victim female there is only so much than friends can do to help until the victim sees through the abuser. When the victim is still in the 'Darling can't help it, darling was mistreated in the past, please be kind and include this deranged shitbag my darling in everything and it will get better' mindset you're just wasting your time and energy. For one thing, indulging Darling Shitbag won't work for very long: the demands will just increase. For another, you have to set limits on how much destruction and chaos your friendship group should be expected to put up with.

@AcrossthePond55 That is so sad. Sounds like you are a few years ahead of us. In our case the boyfriend told me that he believes no one else would want him. And yes, same here, social media and WhatsApp messages are read by her. Also lots of blocking too if anyone so much as dares to question or stand up to her. So communication is extremely limited with him.

@CookieMunch

Yes, the 'no one else will want me' figured large in BFF's mental state. Most of the 'group' either was married or had been married and he was still a bachelor. So even though some of the guys were single, somehow he being a bachelor was 'worse' than being a divorcé.

He is/was a wonderful man, kind and considerate, however he was very 'plain' to look at and TBH was often 'passed over' by women who didn't take the time to really 'see him'. She zoned in on his loneliness like a bird of prey. But even so, if he hadn't had a bit of money she wouldn't have given him the time of day.

The isolating I think is the #1 'tactic' to keep them tied to them. It is so sad because there really isn't anything you can do about it.

@Wreath21 yes this is totally what I’ve come to realise. He doesn’t care what she does he just wants to keep her happy so his life is easier and he asks us all to tow that line no matter how unreasonable she gets. He begs people not to confront her and just to put up with her. But you should see how some family members run around trying to keep this woman happy though for fear of loosing contact with him entirely. She has blocked contact with him several times for months or even years at a time when various people have pointed out her poor behaviour or refused a crazy demand (and you’re right the demands just increase and increase). So what can you do really?

@AlternativelyWired

Shamelessly waiting for the update after the call

Me too.I do hope that OK will be back with an update, and won't just disappear.