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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSD booked afternoon tea but not paid

785 replies

bluefloweronyellow · 03/02/2022 23:18

So it's my birthday on Saturday. DSD and her DH have booked me and DH in for posh afternoon tea on the Sunday afternoon at top restaurant.

I thanked her tonight for such a thoughtful gift etc and asked her to clarify time and is there a reference number for the gift etc

She gave me a photo of the reservation booking and said it's all booked under my name and have a wonderful time I just have to pay on the day Confused

So the gift is she reserved a table. This is so like her. She genuinely thinks she's given me a gift. I gently asked again, to be clear, I pay on the day and yes, that way I can have whatever I want.

I'm just flabbergasted.

AIBU (clearly fucking not but feel free to comment if you disagree)

Oh, and I'm going to go as I do like the place and you do have to book well in advance but never heard that making a reservation is the gift!!!!

OP posts:
CeleriacOfTheNight · 04/02/2022 14:03

I think it's quite sad- I think her parents have done a shit job to raise a child to adulthood who has no idea of what actual generosity is.

twoshedsjackson · 04/02/2022 14:09

Your DH "rolled his eyes"? Was he by any chance a Disney Dad back in the day? Not involved in the nitty-gritty of "eat your greens, bed at a sensible time, do your homework etc.", so when he did get access, he didn't want to sour the atmosphere with a bit of kind but firm discipline?
"Ditzy" types are not cute, they have just learned to dump their mental loads, and enablers do them no long-term kindness.

Itsalmostanaccessory · 04/02/2022 14:09

The excuses used by you are so odd. That she is just so beautiful that men fall over themselves to do things for her?
How does that explain her parents raising her to be so bloody thick?

This isnt cute or ditzy or bubbly. This is a deeply stupid person who can do something like this.

LaChanticleer · 04/02/2022 14:14

I've had to be a 'competent adult', as La Chanticleer puts it, but I'd love to know what it's like being indulged. A version of Miss Pettigrew lives for a day!

I know the feeling @nettie434 - but actually, I'm quite pleased not to be the sort of useless woman the OP describes. I'm quite pleased that I can afford to pay for treats for my parents (and I do support them financially in various ways).

I'm quite pleased I don't have to depend on a man. Looks fade; if you've ever had the looks to rely on, then you just get more competent and in control. It's actually quite wonderful!

And the other thing I've seen, is that women like the OP's DSD be quite nasty to other women they see as "competition." It's degrading - the 'pick me' dance.

SunscreenCentral · 04/02/2022 14:14

This is an example of someone running - quite literally - with the "it's the thought that counts"....

Sorry op Wink
I hope you have a lovely birthday nonetheless BrewCakeFlowers

veevee04 · 04/02/2022 14:19

Am I the only one who thinks the SD doesn't like her SM and this is a really passive aggressive of saying that? I don't see anyone without ASD (I'm not saying all people with ASD would do this just a few really struggle with social rules) an LD or a very young child doing this.

georgarina · 04/02/2022 14:22

Sounds like she wasn't brought up well tbh if it didn't occur to her...

I was taken away from my bio family and so not 'raised' by anyone so made a lot of mistakes like this growing up.

Why doesn't your DH say something to his daughter?

Roadtripconcept · 04/02/2022 14:23

I did wonder if you had misunderstood her ?
Maybe she had left credit card details with the booking so that you could choose what you wanted and then pay at the end ?
Oh well , it's sorted now and you will be dining out on this story for years .

ZorbaTheHoarder · 04/02/2022 14:28

@AtLeastThreeDrinks

“FIL said it was the worst experience of his life.”

@Scoot75 that made me laugh out loud, thanks for that 😂 Who would’ve thought you could have such an awful time at a llama farm!

Maybe the llamas ate his lunch?
Quirrelsotherface · 04/02/2022 14:30

This can't be real. Has she got a learning disability or anything else that would explain her thinking?

halfsiesonapotnoodle · 04/02/2022 14:31

@CaroleFuckingBaskin

Book her a 3 night stay at the ritz for hers
😄
diddl · 04/02/2022 14:31

@veevee04

Am I the only one who thinks the SD doesn't like her SM and this is a really passive aggressive of saying that? I don't see anyone without ASD (I'm not saying all people with ASD would do this just a few really struggle with social rules) an LD or a very young child doing this.
It might depend on who else she does this for?
LaChanticleer · 04/02/2022 14:32

I think her parents have done a shit job to raise a child to adulthood who has no idea of what actual generosity is.

Excellent point - it's lovely to be able to be generous to people one loves.

oakleaffy · 04/02/2022 14:34

@bluefloweronyellow
She sounds a bit arrogant to me.
She’ll probably marry a rich bloke and never have to worry about money or earning.

Itsalmostanaccessory · 04/02/2022 14:37

@oakleaffy

She has married a rich guy.

Toanewstart22 · 04/02/2022 14:39

@Cherrysoup

She’s playing you for a fool, nobody is that dense.
Thing is I’d say the OP’s Dh (who is her father) is. Because he raised her to be like this.

And the OP is dense too because she harps on about how oblivious the woman is, how lovely she is, how she’s in a bubble.

When clearly - the woman is just odd and rude. And comes from an odd and weak family.

Toanewstart22 · 04/02/2022 14:41

I reckon there’s been a lot of shitty stuff in this blended family over the years
Hence the OP’s name change before starting it

ufucoffee · 04/02/2022 14:44

@saraclara

I'm pretty certain that if the step child was a minted 32 year old man, there'd be a lot less hilarity on this thread.
I agree
EerieSilence · 04/02/2022 14:54

TBH, she reminds me of some girls I used to know. Away with the fairies. Lovely, sweet but clueless about the world because someone always sorted out everything for them.
That didn't make them mean or users. They genuinely weren't aware that someone is making their lives easier and others have it more difficult because in their small bubble of adoration, everything was nice, all unicorns, rainbows and glitter.
I don't envy them but I understand why the DSD thinks booking something is present enough. Probably doesn't really have a concept of money.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/02/2022 14:54

There's nothing 'charming' about not being financially responsible. Even if the choice is to let one's DH handle the finances, for God's sake, at least know where the money is, how much there is, and how to take over if needed.

I used to do financial work regarding (US) Govt benefits with widows and spouses. This 'charming helplessness' left quite a few of them in a real panic when their DHs died (or left them). They had no idea what, where, and how their finances 'worked'. I actually had to 'teach' one how to write a cheque (obvs this was pre-'electronics'). Another had no idea where they banked, to whom they owed money and how much, how much money she had to live on, etc. They were totally ripe for a financial and/or 'romance' scams. The 'worst' of them actually had to have her adult son take over her finances completely because she was 'charmingly incapable' of doing it herself. Good thing her DS was honest, because I saw that, too. Family members siphoning off assets belonging to their 'beloved' mothers. It's some of the saddest and most frustrating things I ever saw. And each one of them were intelligent women, but 'charmingly' (and purposely) incapable. But the saddest and worst were the ones I handled who thought they were financially secure but found out they were massively in debt, some of them finding out that large sums were used on affairs or gambling. And one ended up losing her home to the IRS because of her DH's tax shenanigans.

DSD needs a boot up the arse now, before fate gives her one.

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/02/2022 15:01

@Toanewstart22

I reckon there’s been a lot of shitty stuff in this blended family over the years Hence the OP’s name change before starting it
Even if there is, does that excuse or negate this ridiculous non-gift?
fibrecruncher · 04/02/2022 15:02

Sounds like a scene from that show Mum...

Ha ha, enjoy your 'gift'

theleafandnotthetree · 04/02/2022 15:03

@Pantsomime

Arranging for you to spend money in a certain venue and calling it a gift is ridiculous. As men are all over her and she’s “dense” do you think she’s vulnerable and at risk of being taken advantage of?
Well someone, maybe many people are being taken advantage of but don't think it's the OP's stepdaughter. Sounds like she has gotten away with murder her whole life!
Beanybob · 04/02/2022 15:05

I don't get it - if OP genuinely thinks this is just ditzyness and not malicious in any way then why not say something? What does it matter that she's not your daughter - you're obviously close for her to buy you this at all. I would have to say something to a friend who did this, let alone a relative. It doesn't have to be an ugly scene, just a gentle word that the thought is appreciated but obviously it's not an expense you had planned for, so future gifts need not be so elaborate, and actually she doesn't have to bother at all, you don't mind, etc.
I think it must annoy you on some level to even post about it. Does everyone saying this is out of order not make you wonder if something needs to be said/done? It would me!
But nonetheless I very much hope you enjoy your afternoon tea Grin nothing better!

Toanewstart22 · 04/02/2022 15:07

@LuckySantangelo35

Er no

I’m saying the daughter is weird
The DH is a crappy dad
And the OP seems in awe of her beauty and bubble and that apparently we’d “all really like her”

Messed up family I reckon