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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSD booked afternoon tea but not paid

785 replies

bluefloweronyellow · 03/02/2022 23:18

So it's my birthday on Saturday. DSD and her DH have booked me and DH in for posh afternoon tea on the Sunday afternoon at top restaurant.

I thanked her tonight for such a thoughtful gift etc and asked her to clarify time and is there a reference number for the gift etc

She gave me a photo of the reservation booking and said it's all booked under my name and have a wonderful time I just have to pay on the day Confused

So the gift is she reserved a table. This is so like her. She genuinely thinks she's given me a gift. I gently asked again, to be clear, I pay on the day and yes, that way I can have whatever I want.

I'm just flabbergasted.

AIBU (clearly fucking not but feel free to comment if you disagree)

Oh, and I'm going to go as I do like the place and you do have to book well in advance but never heard that making a reservation is the gift!!!!

OP posts:
SaySomethingMan · 04/02/2022 12:30

@bluefloweronyellow

So it's my birthday on Saturday. DSD and her DH have booked me and DH in for posh afternoon tea on the Sunday afternoon at top restaurant.

I thanked her tonight for such a thoughtful gift etc and asked her to clarify time and is there a reference number for the gift etc

She gave me a photo of the reservation booking and said it's all booked under my name and have a wonderful time I just have to pay on the day Confused

So the gift is she reserved a table. This is so like her. She genuinely thinks she's given me a gift. I gently asked again, to be clear, I pay on the day and yes, that way I can have whatever I want.

I'm just flabbergasted.

AIBU (clearly fucking not but feel free to comment if you disagree)

Oh, and I'm going to go as I do like the place and you do have to book well in advance but never heard that making a reservation is the gift!!!!

😂😂😂 I’m sorry that made me laugh. that a gift?
ifIwerenotanandroid · 04/02/2022 12:31

I'm on page 2, so I see you're going to have the tea, but if you didn't want it, you could always put the reservation up for auction to the highest bidder. If the place is that difficult to get into you could make a tidy profit - & some husband somewhere who's forgotten it's his wife's birthday would be weepingly grateful to you.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 04/02/2022 12:31

This is hilarious

SaySomethingMan · 04/02/2022 12:32

@L0stinCyberspace

No, honestly I don't want to be mean but surely this is a sign of learning disabilities or very below normal IQ?
I thought so too.
Daisymaybe60 · 04/02/2022 12:35

This reminds me of when my friend asked me to make her a large Christmas cake - she'd be paying for ingredients, of course.

I do make a great Creole Christmas cake, if I say so myself - all the best, expensive ingredients and loads of booze, so not cheap. She was so grateful, asked what the cost was. Then told me the next day that she'd donated that amount to charity. So win, win, she said. Grin

I didn't point out the obvious. She's a lovely, generous friend and just didn't think, and I'm happy to make a donation to charity. It did make me laugh though.

Belladonna12 · 04/02/2022 12:35

I think it is very funny and I'm not sure why some people are getting so worked up about it. The DH is sorting it out so you will get the afternoon tea so problem solved.

grapewine · 04/02/2022 12:35

@LuckySantangelo35

Why didn’t your husband speak to his daughter rather than her husband?
Having read the OP's posts are you really surprised that the stepdaughter is spared that conversation? Husband will fix it...
InisnaBro · 04/02/2022 12:37

@Belladonna12

I think it is very funny and I'm not sure why some people are getting so worked up about it. The DH is sorting it out so you will get the afternoon tea so problem solved.
I think people are getting cross because a 32-year-old woman appears not to have grasped the idea of a ‘present’, and has clearly spent her life being enabled in her ‘ditty’/otherworldly/egocentric ways.
Belladonna12 · 04/02/2022 12:40

@TrashyPanda

Now you know what to give her for her birthday. A reservation at a nice restaurant. And, guess what? You can get her a reservation at a different place for her Xmas pressie.
She would probably think that is fine though. Her DH would pay the bill anyway,
Belladonna12 · 04/02/2022 12:43

I think people are getting cross because a 32-year-old woman appears not to have grasped the idea of a ‘present’, and has clearly spent her life being enabled in her ‘ditty’/otherworldly/egocentric ways.

Why are people angry that someone they don't know hasn't grasped the idea of a present though? They don't know her and it doesn't effect them and it's not OP's job to correct her ways anyway.

treesandweeds · 04/02/2022 12:43

Just ask her when is she going to pay?

LaChanticleer · 04/02/2022 12:47

Honestly, you'd like her. She's very nice. But very poor social awareness.

Hmmmmm, I doubt it. As a girl & woman who was plain, and never received male chivalry/help/indulgence I had to become a competent adult. I tend to despise women like your DSD although I'd be perfectly polite to her.

You sound lovely @bluefloweronyellow (much nicer than me!) and you clearly are part of the indulging of her, but really! Shock

muddyboots · 04/02/2022 12:48

OP, it's great to read your updates. You sound like a lovely, fun and generous person! She is lucky to have you.

InisnaBro · 04/02/2022 12:50

@Belladonna12

I think people are getting cross because a 32-year-old woman appears not to have grasped the idea of a ‘present’, and has clearly spent her life being enabled in her ‘ditty’/otherworldly/egocentric ways.

Why are people angry that someone they don't know hasn't grasped the idea of a present though? They don't know her and it doesn't effect them and it's not OP's job to correct her ways anyway.

In fairness, about 95% of the posts on Mn don’t affect anyone other than the OP, but the board would die within 24 hours if everyone said ‘So what?’

No, not the OP’s job to correct her adult stepdaughter’s ways, but if someone appeared to genuinely believe they had given me a birthday present when what they had done was just directed my spending to a particular place and time, damn right I’d tell them.

CurzonDax · 04/02/2022 12:50

I think it is very funny and I'm not sure why some people are getting so worked up about it. The DH is sorting it out so you will get the afternoon tea so problem solved.

Of course, how very lovely for the two men to clear up the ditzy, little woman's mess.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 04/02/2022 12:53

I have library books on the go all the time.

That's an excellent idea for a beautiful, thoughtful present: "Here, I know you've been wanting this book for some time, so I was eager to get it for you. Happy birthday!!! just make sure you read it in the next two weeks and then pop it back to the town library....!"

CailleachGranda · 04/02/2022 12:57

@Belladonna12

I think it is very funny and I'm not sure why some people are getting so worked up about it. The DH is sorting it out so you will get the afternoon tea so problem solved.
No-one is getting worked up

It's a thread on AIBU. Posters are responding. It's how Mumsnet works

ifIwerenotanandroid · 04/02/2022 13:03

@LaChanticleer

Honestly, you'd like her. She's very nice. But very poor social awareness.

Hmmmmm, I doubt it. As a girl & woman who was plain, and never received male chivalry/help/indulgence I had to become a competent adult. I tend to despise women like your DSD although I'd be perfectly polite to her.

You sound lovely @bluefloweronyellow (much nicer than me!) and you clearly are part of the indulging of her, but really! Shock

Also, sometimes people can be 'ditsy' to certain people & not to others. If they can get a reputation for being delightfully ditsy, they can get away with a lot to suit themselves.

Obviously I'm not talking about OP's DSD. I had someone in the generation above me who cultivated an aura of eccentricity when I was growing up. She was SO unwordly, hahaha, she never got birthday cards to me on time, or they were wildly innappropriate or weird ones she picked up at the last minute from some post office or other (she explained all this & made a big thing about being so terrible at it). As for presents, I could be waiting forever & they never came wrapped up. "Oh, your part of the family is so clever, you know all about wrapping paper, I don't!" she trilled. Presents didn't matter, you see. I had to be grateful for whatever turned up, or nothing at all. She TRIED, you know, & that was the main thing. SO funny!

I bought into all this, forgave, laughed along at it, delighted in having such an eccentric relative - until one day I happened to be there when she gave her daughter a huge pile of very expensive gifts, each one beautifully & conventionally wrapped, together with a carefully chosen card.

It was all an act.

hibeat · 04/02/2022 13:04

Book her a 3 night stay at the ritz for hers
THis.
I had to copy and paste.
Happy birthday anyway Mum.

Belladonna12 · 04/02/2022 13:05

In fairness, about 95% of the posts on Mn don’t affect anyone other than the OP, but the board would die within 24 hours if everyone said ‘So what?’

Yes, but usually the OP is angry/upset. In this case OP seems to think it is quite funny and that her DSD genuinely doesn't get it and the problem is now solved anyway as the DH (and therefore the DSD indirectly) is paying.

No, not the OP’s job to correct her adult stepdaughter’s ways, but if someone appeared to genuinely believe they had given me a birthday present when what they had done was just directed my spending to a particular place and time, damn right I’d tell them.

That's up to you. OP is free to decide differently and I don't see why people are getting worked up about it.

Silversprinkles · 04/02/2022 13:06

@greenlynx

She’s getting away with this nonsense because you allow her. She is an adult just treat her accordingly.
Yup. Your DH has utterly failed in his duties as a parent to bring up a person able to operate in the adult world. "Rolling his eyes" is a pathetic response, he needs to call her out on this. She knows he won't upset his ickle pwincess though, doesn't she?

She's not as daft as you all think, I reckon.

I don't really find this funny. I find it quite sad. That she gets away with treating you like this and no one is prepared to say anything.

CharSiu · 04/02/2022 13:06

I’m more interested in the llama farm lunch. Do you actually dine with the llamas was that why the FIL was annoyed? did the llamas spit in the starter or have elbows on the table or some other llama faux par.

seekinglondonlife · 04/02/2022 13:08

Yes I want to know where the llama farm lunch is please? I might ask my dc to make a reservation for my next birthday.

Bookworm20 · 04/02/2022 13:09

Every afternoon tea I have been too has been a set price. Either the tea version or the sparkling version, but a set price. So I am baffled as to why she didnt pay for it on booking.

Are you sure she didn't mean she has reserved you afternoon tea (at the set price, and paid) and you can pay at the end if you order anything additional?

I absolutely refuse to believe that a functioning adult had no clue what they were doing here. I think she absolutely knew. I am not sure I could trust someone who comes across as so nice and lovely, but yet whose actions indicate they are far from that, in a very passive aggressive way.

Shes obviously very practised in using her beauty to her advantage and has likely realised that playing dumb has huge benefits for her. I very much doubt she is as stupid as she is coming across. One day she'll get very unstuck when she deals with someone who refuses to tolerate that kind of bs.

LookItsMeAgain · 04/02/2022 13:10

This just gets worse. The men in her life are enabling this learned (and it is learned) helplessness.
They are not doing her any favours.

I know this next bit is a bit grim but picture the scene when you're no longer around and her husband is also no longer around....what does she do then? She won't have any real life or real world experience and think that the fairies pay for everything (because they have in the past) and she'll end up absolutely not self sufficient.

In relation to this post of yours:
An update. DH has had a word with son in law. He will make sure booking is paid in advance for us. Flowers also on their way, probably organised by his secretary.
I know this is more make enabling but it is what it is. She's not my DD so not for me to accost her.

She might not be your DD but you are married to her father so you should accost HIM and tell HIM that he should be doing better for his daughter. HE could be doing so much better for her. He SHOULD be doing so much better for her by talking to her and getting HER to sort it out, not outsourcing it to her husband and his secretary. I'd say that secretary is only delighted when she drops the ball and she has to fix whatever her boss' wife doesn't do properly!

Really shocked that a 30-something woman has been allowed to get so far through life without someone, anyone saying something to her.