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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSD booked afternoon tea but not paid

785 replies

bluefloweronyellow · 03/02/2022 23:18

So it's my birthday on Saturday. DSD and her DH have booked me and DH in for posh afternoon tea on the Sunday afternoon at top restaurant.

I thanked her tonight for such a thoughtful gift etc and asked her to clarify time and is there a reference number for the gift etc

She gave me a photo of the reservation booking and said it's all booked under my name and have a wonderful time I just have to pay on the day Confused

So the gift is she reserved a table. This is so like her. She genuinely thinks she's given me a gift. I gently asked again, to be clear, I pay on the day and yes, that way I can have whatever I want.

I'm just flabbergasted.

AIBU (clearly fucking not but feel free to comment if you disagree)

Oh, and I'm going to go as I do like the place and you do have to book well in advance but never heard that making a reservation is the gift!!!!

OP posts:
IntermittentParps · 04/02/2022 11:41

@bluefloweronyellow

Wow. So many responses. Didn't expect this.

An update. DH has had a word with son in law. He will make sure booking is paid in advance for us. Flowers also on their way, probably organised by his secretary.

I know this is more make enabling but it is what it is. She's not my DD so not for me to accost her.

I say again, she's a nice girl but very in a bubble.

Any future children will be fine (some expressed concern). There will be a full time nanny no doubt to do day to day. She's incredibly nice and kind and very loving. Honestly. Just ditzy.

So again, someone else has sorted things out for her. I'm not convinced about the children thing. Nannies are not there 100% of the time/miracle workers. And presumably if they're nannied and babied like she has been, there'll just be a new generation of people like her. Well, if they're female and pretty, I guess. Or maybe it'd apply to boys too. Anyway, this set-up is definitely not doing anyone any favours, incredibly nice and kind and loving as she may be.
Applecakes987 · 04/02/2022 11:42

Well done to your DH and son-in-law! Glad to hear that has happened. Hope you have a lovely tea!

Bonheurdupasse · 04/02/2022 11:43

@bluefloweronyellow

Wow. So many responses. Didn't expect this.

An update. DH has had a word with son in law. He will make sure booking is paid in advance for us. Flowers also on their way, probably organised by his secretary.

I know this is more make enabling but it is what it is. She's not my DD so not for me to accost her.

I say again, she's a nice girl but very in a bubble.

Any future children will be fine (some expressed concern). There will be a full time nanny no doubt to do day to day. She's incredibly nice and kind and very loving. Honestly. Just ditzy.

OP

This still means she’s free to keep doing the like, as I bet her DH hasn’t even told her about it.

All you can do is to very publicly thank him rather than her.

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 04/02/2022 11:44

It's probably quite easy to sail through life being nice, kind and loving if you have other people doing all your 'dirty work' (including rectifying social gaffes).

Cabinfever20 · 04/02/2022 11:49

My MIL had a similar experience on a smaller scale. She used to take an older friend out shopping a lot, and during one trip to a supermarket the older lady picked up a pot plant and said she would like to give it to MIL to thank her for all the trips out. So she put in in MIL's trolley and stood by and watched while MIL emptied the trolly at the checkout and paid for everything - including the plant!

ufucoffee · 04/02/2022 11:51

Just been thinking that I used to go to college years ago with a woman who people thought was so sweet and nice and was really good at getting people to pay for things, and give her lifts etc. Except she wasn't sweet and nice. She was very manipulative and calculating. I could see right through her I think this is what your DSD is and you can't see it.

MsVanDeKamp · 04/02/2022 11:51

@bluefloweronyellow not that you would as you say she didnt do it maliciously, but if you did this to her in return would she think it strange or thank you?

Ciaram55 · 04/02/2022 11:52

Why would you even go? It's encouraging her bonkers behaviour if you accept.

Thedogshow · 04/02/2022 11:53

Hilarious!

Ciaram55 · 04/02/2022 11:54

Sorry just read the update.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/02/2022 11:56

@Applecakes987

Well done to your DH and son-in-law! Glad to hear that has happened. Hope you have a lovely tea!
Really though? Why didn't her DH say it to his daughter, the one he raised to act this way? What a ridiculous situation
Inertia · 04/02/2022 12:00

What utterly inadequate parenting. How can anybody reach adulthood and think this is acceptable?

Why couldn't either you or your husband speak to your stepdaughter to resolve the problem? It's not her husband's issue to sort out, and it certainly isn't his secretary's job!

It'd be funny and sweet if a 5 year old did it. Not a grown woman of 32.

Snowcrops · 04/02/2022 12:01

😂😂 that's priceless, or not 😅

Theimpossiblegirl · 04/02/2022 12:03

I think she is being done a huge disservice. If she doesn't understand basic finances she will be up shit creek if her marriage gets into trouble. It reeks of control masked by concern. It's not cute, it's concerning.

Dontbeme · 04/02/2022 12:03

@bluefloweronyellow

She is like Alice in the Vicar of Dibley in many ways. Not as, em, simple but similar.

She is beautiful. Stunning. And has glided through life with much male support. Men rush to help her and think she is used to being adored.

Honestly, you'd like her. She's very nice. But very poor social awareness.

So what happens where her looks fade and her DH gets tired of picking up after her? Is she really as naive as she makes out or is it just manipulation? I feel sad for her in a way if she has being brought up to be incompetent and nobody is setting her straight, she is being left wide open to being exploited and everyone around her rolls their eyes and thinks she's daft.
JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 04/02/2022 12:09

@bluefloweronyellow

Wow. So many responses. Didn't expect this.

An update. DH has had a word with son in law. He will make sure booking is paid in advance for us. Flowers also on their way, probably organised by his secretary.

I know this is more make enabling but it is what it is. She's not my DD so not for me to accost her.

I say again, she's a nice girl but very in a bubble.

Any future children will be fine (some expressed concern). There will be a full time nanny no doubt to do day to day. She's incredibly nice and kind and very loving. Honestly. Just ditzy.

Wow what a dreadful enabling and infantilising response.

She's so fucking precious that no one can tell her that she's been a rude, tight arsed, thoughtless bitch to her father and mother in law so they just carry on picking up her mess so she can treat more people like shit.

She's not ditzy or dippy she's horrible to her closest family.

This is doing her no favours. It is storing up a horrible shock for her in the future when she can't keep friends because people are sick of her being a sponger.

PurplePeach62 · 04/02/2022 12:09

Thank you for posting this OP - it's made my day! Grin

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 04/02/2022 12:11

And when it is her birthday cut a picture of something lovely and expensive out of a catalogue and pop it in a card. Don't bother ordering or paying for it. I bet she doesn't just pay for it herself because bless you are lovely but a bit dippy.

Angrymum22 · 04/02/2022 12:17

This is the sort of thing my niece would do. Not because she has been overly indulged but just because of how her mind works. Like your DSD she just works differently from the rest of the world.

HelloFrostyMorning · 04/02/2022 12:20

This is quite awful. Sounds typical of several young-ish people I know though. Not early 30s though! More like 18 to 23-ish.

One young woman I knew took her mother (my friend) to a posh hotel for afternoon tea for her birthday several years ago (£20 each.) Conveniently, her debit card didn't work, as she evidently had insufficient funds, so my friend had to pay the £40 herself.

Then there have been occasions where people I know have had a meal out or a takeaway, with their adult DC and their partner or friend, that has come to around £50 or £60. The adult DC has promised to send the 50% share to the mum or dad via internet banking, and it has never surfaced.

Also, a friend of mine lent her son and his girlfriend (who have a flat together,) £400 some 2 years ago, and despite promise after promise, they have never even attempted to give it back to her.

Some younger people are quite flaky and unreliable like this. Not all. And not usually when they are in their 30s! The examples I have given were all between 18 and 23.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/02/2022 12:20

@Angrymum22

This is the sort of thing my niece would do. Not because she has been overly indulged but just because of how her mind works. Like your DSD she just works differently from the rest of the world.
But if your niece got a similar present from you would she think it was a good present and be happy with it?
Hertsgirl10 · 04/02/2022 12:26

Don’t know if anyone suggested, could they have booked you a surprise so when you turn up, there’s a bunch of family and friends there? And they might be paying all along?

twoshedsjackson · 04/02/2022 12:26

I wonder what her reaction would have been if you had texted her something like, "What a kind thought! It sounds lovely! Unfortunately a bit strapped for cash at the moment, so can't really afford it - shall I ring to cancel, or will you?"

SirVixofVixHall · 04/02/2022 12:27

@TrashyPanda

Now you know what to give her for her birthday. A reservation at a nice restaurant. And, guess what? You can get her a reservation at a different place for her Xmas pressie.
This.
LuckySantangelo35 · 04/02/2022 12:28

Why didn’t your husband speak to his daughter rather than her husband?

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