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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSD booked afternoon tea but not paid

785 replies

bluefloweronyellow · 03/02/2022 23:18

So it's my birthday on Saturday. DSD and her DH have booked me and DH in for posh afternoon tea on the Sunday afternoon at top restaurant.

I thanked her tonight for such a thoughtful gift etc and asked her to clarify time and is there a reference number for the gift etc

She gave me a photo of the reservation booking and said it's all booked under my name and have a wonderful time I just have to pay on the day Confused

So the gift is she reserved a table. This is so like her. She genuinely thinks she's given me a gift. I gently asked again, to be clear, I pay on the day and yes, that way I can have whatever I want.

I'm just flabbergasted.

AIBU (clearly fucking not but feel free to comment if you disagree)

Oh, and I'm going to go as I do like the place and you do have to book well in advance but never heard that making a reservation is the gift!!!!

OP posts:
shinynewapple22 · 04/02/2022 10:51

I love your acceptance of this @bluefloweronyellow Smile so many people would be wound up and going no contact by now! I hope you enjoy your afternoon tea.

PineappleWilson · 04/02/2022 10:52

Can you not ask the husband to pay for the reservation that his wife has booked, as they have the funds to afford it?

KerrrrrrrChingADing · 04/02/2022 10:53

I don't find it endearing at all
If she genuinely has no awareness the kindest thing would be to tell her

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 04/02/2022 10:53

Her own husband not saying anything? I'd never do this to anyone, but I'd imagine if I did, my DH would very quickly step in, and insist we pay, and would remind me of how rude it would be otherwise.

I wondered that too, but on reflection, I wonder if he is so used to her taking the little child role and having sweet little ideas for which others naturally pick up the costs that it simply doesn't occur to him that she might now be expected to act like she's 32 and not 7. Some men do actually derive great perverse pleasure from taking a dominant parent-like role over adult women.

I've read of pretty young women who've deliberately set out to fund themselves through university that way - I think they're known as 'sugar babies' - where they find a rich old man and they both get off on him paying for everything she needs and could possibly want. No actual relationship, sex or other 'rewards' involved - effectively the same as having/being a cute little pet to spoil. It's sweet when your wittle fwuffy bunny gets bought a pwetty new bow or collar, but utterly degrading when it's another - adult - human.

It's absolutely not doing somebody a favour to infantilise them forever - whether you're their parent, spouse or other - even if they are 'knowing' and believe that they're the one driving it all.

CornflakesOnTheSolesOfHerShoes · 04/02/2022 10:54

This is very funny, and you sound lovely, but I can’t quite get my head round why everyone is so shocked that you haven’t said anything. It’s almost impossible in a situation like this to say something without making it sound like you think you’re owed a present or causing awkwardness that just isn’t worth it. I can completely see why you’d just laugh it off - I don’t think it would occur to me to actually raise something like this with the person concerned.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/02/2022 10:59

@DetectiveFlorence

Sorry, I mean it's hilarious in a loose way..I probably mean more staggering and incredulous.

Agree with posters saying she needs pulling up on this immediately. I don't think she is a thick as you think she is.

As amusingly weird as this is, you can't enable this behaviour by letting her think that this is OK.

Of course she isn't but one way to test that theory out is to give her a similar "present" for her own Birthday and see how grateful she is
Kennykenkencat · 04/02/2022 11:01

Either she is a great actress and your Ds is encouraging her to play the role because he is really tight. (Probably why he is so well off)

Or she really isn’t competent. If she is so “ditzy” and doesn’t understand a lot, expects things to be done for her and has strange views on things. I wonder what would happen if she had children. Would they be safe? Or would there be a stream of nannies and au pairs to make sure
she was never left alone with them.

Or is she never having children as then she would no longer be the baby of the family.

I actually think this isn’t funny or adorable.
I think it is quite creepy that if a grown woman is so dense that she doesn’t even know what a gift is. (She has had 32 birthdays to understand what it means) can she really give informed consent on anything.

Going to university and being this dense just shows how worthless GCSEs and most degrees are.

TokyoDreaming · 04/02/2022 11:02

I'd be pulling her up on it, no fucking way would I find it funny or endearing.

She's only getting away with it because nobody has said to her WTF is she playing at.

Chely · 04/02/2022 11:03

Tight cow

Kennykenkencat · 04/02/2022 11:04

I would book an amazing round the world cruise in her name for her next Birthday. All she has to do is pay for it and turn up.

Can’t understand why you wouldn’t say anything as the present is quite insulting

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 04/02/2022 11:08

This reminds me of years ago when self-service supermarkets started. My aunt had run out of tea, and her neighbour gave her a packet. When she went out to the supermarket that week, she put tea in her trolley, so she could give a packet back to her friend.

As she wheeled her trolley round, she happened to bump into the friend. She reached into her trolley, and gave her the (unpaid-for) tea! The neighbour took it, and didn't say anything! t was only later at home that she realised...

My mum once told me a story of someone who gave her back a pack of butter she had borrowed the previous week. Only problem was she was walking round Sainsburys before getting to the till. This sounds a bit like the same thing

So lovely on MN when you get to hear both people's sides of the story and join the dots Grin

I often wonder, when I walk by the food bank donation trolley in the supermarket, located the other side of the tills, if they get people who don't quite understand the idea. I'm envisaging a minority of charitably-minded but not too bright folk grabbing a whole armful of stuff from the shelves to donate and taking it straight to the collection trolley, completely bypassing the tills, and then genuinely thinking they've done a very kind, selfless thing - by 'donating' on Asda's behalf!!

drpet49 · 04/02/2022 11:23

* Or she really isn’t competent. If she is so “ditzy” and doesn’t understand a lot, expects things to be done for her and has strange views on things. I wonder what would happen if she had children. Would they be safe?*

*^ I thought the same thing.

WidgetyWoo · 04/02/2022 11:23

@Scoot75 - Lunch with the llamas just made me laugh 😂 I would love that though. Your FIL sounds a bit miserable

30mph · 04/02/2022 11:29

This is actually very sad, not funny. You've done her no favours by indulging and reinforcing this learned behaviour. At some point her looks will not compensate for the lack of social skills and awareness.

DaisyChains3 · 04/02/2022 11:29

I have library books on the go all the time.

ScribblingPixie · 04/02/2022 11:29

I'm guessing money's not a problem for you either, OP, so it doesn't really matter that much. I hope you have a wonderful time. So funny the way the family waved away the idea of your DSD hosting you all for Christmas. It all sounds like a BBC comedy episode.

Original poster
bluefloweronyellow · 04/02/2022 11:30

Wow. So many responses. Didn't expect this.

An update. DH has had a word with son in law. He will make sure booking is paid in advance for us. Flowers also on their way, probably organised by his secretary.

I know this is more make enabling but it is what it is. She's not my DD so not for me to accost her.

I say again, she's a nice girl but very in a bubble.

Any future children will be fine (some expressed concern). There will be a full time nanny no doubt to do day to day. She's incredibly nice and kind and very loving. Honestly. Just ditzy.

OP posts:
rbe78 · 04/02/2022 11:30

@bluefloweronyellow

This is totally going to end up as a Daily Fail story - if you don't want it to pop up on your DSD's facebook feed, you might want to ask MNHQ to take it down!

hazelnutpraline · 04/02/2022 11:33

I think you should go all out and book her a Caribbean holiday for her birthday

jeaux90 · 04/02/2022 11:34

I get it OP but if my 12DD with SEN can go buy me a lovely tea mug for Christmas then your adult SDD should be able to grasp the concept of presents too.

limitedperiodonly · 04/02/2022 11:34

My SIL used to order a huge bouquet to be delivered to my mum on her birthday. She wasn't mean or spiteful - far from it. It was always the biggest and most beautiful display and she wanted it to arrive on the day. Unfortunately my mum used to wait in for it because she was far too nice to let it wilt on the doorstep thus ruining our plans to take her out. My SIL genuinely didn't think. It got resolved in the end by one of us saying: "Don't dare do that again."

Justilou1 · 04/02/2022 11:36

I would like to pop in and suggest that she sounds like a movie archetype “Manic Pixie Dream Girl.” Annoying as fuck, but surrounded by white knights rushing in to rescue them. In my experience, they know exactly what they’re doing and relish the power, loving the chaos they leave behind.

CanofCant · 04/02/2022 11:36

Sounds like a novel by India Knight/Sophie Kinsella or a writer of that ilk.

RampantIvy · 04/02/2022 11:40

She is "ditzy" because it works for her.

Tohaveandtohold · 04/02/2022 11:40

This is so hilarious really, it reminds me of when I gave DD my phone to watch YouTube (she was 7 at the time) and she placed a bid on a car on my eBay app.
She kept saying she’s buying me a car but I didn’t think much of it till thankfully I saw an email saying I’ve been outbid. She really thought winning a bid means she has bought me a car 😂😂 when infact I would have had to pay for it.

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