Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSD booked afternoon tea but not paid

785 replies

bluefloweronyellow · 03/02/2022 23:18

So it's my birthday on Saturday. DSD and her DH have booked me and DH in for posh afternoon tea on the Sunday afternoon at top restaurant.

I thanked her tonight for such a thoughtful gift etc and asked her to clarify time and is there a reference number for the gift etc

She gave me a photo of the reservation booking and said it's all booked under my name and have a wonderful time I just have to pay on the day Confused

So the gift is she reserved a table. This is so like her. She genuinely thinks she's given me a gift. I gently asked again, to be clear, I pay on the day and yes, that way I can have whatever I want.

I'm just flabbergasted.

AIBU (clearly fucking not but feel free to comment if you disagree)

Oh, and I'm going to go as I do like the place and you do have to book well in advance but never heard that making a reservation is the gift!!!!

OP posts:
Toanewstart22 · 04/02/2022 07:31

Given you’re “flabbergasted”
Would indicate she’s never done this before
What precious stuff has she done for your birthday?

RampantIvy · 04/02/2022 07:33

She sounds quite cleverly manipulative.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/02/2022 07:34

Is she your husbands daughter? Is he not embarrassed and planning to have a word with her?

loveattheFair · 04/02/2022 07:38

I don't know if this is funny or really sad.

Lobelia123 · 04/02/2022 07:41

You sound like a lovely, half exasperated, half amused person....but you also sound like an enabler who, along with her father, makes excuses and allows her to behave like this. Come on, she understands the concept of giving gifts. How would she like it if you and her dad gave her a spa break for her birthday which was just a booking slip? Time for princess to wake up and join the real world. This cutesy stuff stops working as you get older and less young and fresh, so do her a favour and give her a wake up call. Ask for the money for her socalled gift as a start!!!

spotcheck · 04/02/2022 07:43

Woohoo!!!!

Gift giving just got a whole lot easier!!!!

Scoobydoobywho · 04/02/2022 07:43

As Judge Judy says " beauty fades, dumb is forever".

knittingaddict · 04/02/2022 07:45

@Juletide

No ones that stupid.
I agree. Very odd story.

I know this started off as funny, but really it's quite sad. The adults in her young life have spectacularly failed her and here we are.

I know someone who has 3 adult children with severe to moderate learning difficulties. They managed to acknowledge the problems, but still make them as close to functioning adults as possible.

Also it's doing no favours to allow "attractive" people to get away with murder. You see it all the time and it's not a good look on anyone.

brogan1972 · 04/02/2022 07:45

I feel your pain OP.
For my 50th my family got me a trip to New York.
Actually they only applied and paid for my ESTA. £15! They were so excited to tell me I was going to NY for my birthday and couldn't not blurt it out as soon as they have finalised this.
I paid for flights, hotel, all food and activities, plus the same for my daughter who I was delighted to spend time with, she booked the week off work. Such a fabulous week, but in no way was a birthday present from anyone but myself. "DH" never entered into my plans of a birthday week whatsoever, so in the end it was the best and most memorable birthday I ever had.

ivykaty44 · 04/02/2022 07:48

OP when is your dsd birthday?

Do exactly the same for her, exclaim that it was such a wonderful afternoon tea that you just had to get her the same!

MichelleScarn · 04/02/2022 07:49

Hmmm I think dsd might actually be v v clever.
No expectations to provide gifts or host anything, she can be all dippy and accept gifts but not actually do anything for anyone else.
It sounds like a Jilly Cooper novel, with her if anyone says anything welling up with tears 'bu-bu I was being niiiice' and then floods of tears and the resident males rushing to her aid and soothing with gifts and tears while you are glared at like a gorgon!

Carriemac · 04/02/2022 07:52

she really doesnt like you OP, why are you allowing her to treat you like this? and your DH is enabling it.

Mellowyellow222 · 04/02/2022 07:54

Your husband as her parent surely must explain this to her?

It’s a basic social skill.

Does she do this often? If they have children will she treat teachers to a reservation?

Will she gift a reservation to her colleagues?

I find it hard to believe someone can be this stupid

gonetogroundnow · 04/02/2022 07:56

Reading this thread there is no wonder there are so many hostile situations written about regarding step families on this forum.

It is not OP's responsibility to educate her 32 year old step daughter and frankly at that age, the damage is already done.

It's not a gift and it's pretty shit but I wouldn't be even entertaining the idea of pulling her up on it.

Thewiseoneincognito · 04/02/2022 07:57

She sounds like a piece of work OP. I’d be seriously considering ways to encourage DH to go non contact with her - you don’t need that kind of bad energy in your life.

ApolloandDaphne · 04/02/2022 07:57

I love that OP is genuinely unbothered by this. I too would be unfazed by it. Other people fascinate me and no one has been hurt here.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 04/02/2022 08:00

No one is that dim when they have managed to go to university etc. Even small children understand gift giving. She’s clever very clever and manipulative. I’d do the same for her birthday-“oh DSD, I thought what a good idea when you gave me a reservation for my birthday, I thought I’d copy you as I just knew you’d appreciate it.”

Just own it-you’re letting this nonsense happen and it’s not cute on a 32 yr old woman, it’s pathetic.

Every year I’d take the lead from her-whatever she buys you, I’d get her something very similar, as “you can tell from what she gives you what she likes and you don’t want to get it wrong”. I’m sure you will see a major uptick in gift giving…

BoredZelda · 04/02/2022 08:01

That seems like the behaviour of someone with very low executive function.

I agree. All the follow ups about having been to university, and talking about her relying on men don’t change my view on that either.

Either this woman is intellectually disabled or she is manipulative and calculated and this was a deliberate act. It is unbelievable that a woman would get to her age, having been through formal education to tertiary level and actually believe this is an appropriate gift.

muddyford · 04/02/2022 08:03

I have had some pretty rubbish gifts from my adult stepchildren. Their father had a quiet word.

MichelleScarn · 04/02/2022 08:04

When she's that self involved she thinks her attendance in someone's house is a 'present' for them.. I think the 'manipulative and calculated' is the answer!

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 04/02/2022 08:04

It also surprises me that since the pandemic a booking for a high-class afternoon tea would be accepted without credit card details being handed over?

saraclara · 04/02/2022 08:06

A: "You just pay for it when you get there"

B: "So how is it a present?"

Sorely that would be a normal response?

This woman hasn't learned any of this stuff because no-one actually points it out or informs her how to do it. Because, yes, she has pretty privilege. If she looked like the back end of a bus there's no way that people would smile and indulge her.

CeliaCanth · 04/02/2022 08:06

If you genuinely want to go to the restaurant and have the afternoon tea, then go and enjoy it. However, I would then contact her (with my DH firmly on board) and let her know what the billl came to and ask her to transfer the money. Any silly little-girl excuses could lead to a firm discussion of the nature of gift giving and the need to cop on to herself generally.

TFMinx · 04/02/2022 08:10

Take her with you and let her pick up the bill to complete the birthday present.

Beanybob · 04/02/2022 08:10

Sorry if already asked/covered and I've missed it, but I'm sat here wondering what her mum must be like? (If it wasn't just OP's DH who raised her, etc.)

I know someone with a sister a bit like this, especially the "my presence is your present" thing, and the whole family were always saying "oh that's just what X is like". I think a lot of it was on purpose just because she could get away with it. No one is doing your DSD any favours by just rolling their eyes and saying "classic X!", so even if you agree to go and are happy to pay, at the very least it needs explaining to her by someone that this is not a gift.