Anyone else's parents not put the effort in childcare wise?

[TulipVictory]

We rarely ever leave the children anywhere mostly because we just enjoy our time together as a family.

The one time we asked my Mum about a sleepover it seemed like a big inconvenience. We wanted it at our house because there wasn't room in theirs for the children and the little one who needs her travel cot. But they didn't want to sleep at ours where all the children's stuff is so it didn't happen.

I have an appointment tomorrow so asked if my mum can meet me there just to watch the two little ones while I go in but I have to go hers first and pick her up so she can sit in my car so that she doesn't lose her parking space.

They always make out like they don't see the children enough but everything is always on their terms. I pop over every week, sit in their lounge so that they can see them but if I wanted to go out, meet them somewhere etc to the park we never go! it's always like it's a big inconvenience! Please tell me if I'm
Being unreasonable but this is the way it's always been and I'm feeling a bit frustrated

My mother is like this- she has never babysat my children- not once.
She was fit and well when they were young, but she didn't fancy the idea, she found them noisy and troublesome, and they messed up her ornaments.
It wasn't a huge deal really- it was her choice.
Thing is now my kids are in their early 20s and rarely contact her.

Is your mum caring for your grandmother ? if that’s the case then I can understand her not wanting to be running around with your children too but also wanting to see them

Guess it’s just a cultural thing. For many people in Britain, extended family just isn’t all that important. While in other countries grandkids are often the grandparents part/fully time (often unpaid) job. Or in wealthier countries where extended family is important, they are their favourite hobby. But in Britain not so much. Just the way it is.

Thighdentitycrisis

Is your mum caring for your grandmother ? if that’s the case then I can understand her not wanting to be running around with your children too but also wanting to see them“

Very good point.

Yanbu. You are not asking her for weekly childcare. You can't rely on her at all. I would cut out the weekly visits and invite her along instead. Her choice not to join in.

I can’t wait for grandchildren, I love kids. I hope I’m not going to be pushy Grandma/MIL

My eldest is 9 and my parents have never had my children for the day or overnight. Also they never come here to visit, I'm expected to take all 3 to their house at weekend, when really the kids want to do other stuff. The kids don't adore their grandparents, which is really sad, but it's probably because they've never been that involved.

Yes, and I've posted about it on here before.
My parents just aren't interested. I totally agree that it is the parents responsibility to look after their children, but it's hard when you are surrounded by friends whose parents do a lot of childcare, and go above and beyond for their grandchildren, as is the case with me.

My mum got no help with me and my brother; her parents lived at the other end of the country and my father's parents were old before their time. In fact I remember very clearly staying overnight at my grandparents once when I was about 10, it was a one off...so they must have had one night off in 18 years!
It is difficult. But they may just want to enjoy their free time now. I know my parents do. They did their share

Me and dh have promised that we will help our kids when they have their own children! It's been a tough run for me, bringing up the kids basically on my own, dh works long hours to support us so I do all of the chores and childcare. I know no one is entitled to help from grandparents /parents, but if you saw your child struggling, you'd help right?

DM done her stint bringing 4 of us up. Its was.my responsibility to bring mine up. You don't have to go every week you say you want to. If they also have your GM to look after I think YABU.

My Grandmother does not need any care or assistance from my Mum. They are both able and my Mum still pretty young and active. They maybe aren't the best examples but what I'm trying to put across is we only ever go and take them to their house and sit down, watch the children. They have never been out any where they with them. They already mention often how little they seem them but I have always made time to go there every week. They prefer to stay at home, my mum works but then at the weekend mostly stays at home and has wine every evening.

If parents want childcare for their children can't they pay for it?

I used to babysit for lots of young couples with children when I was 14/15/16 yrs old. I was booked up well in advance, a year in advance for Christmas and New Year.

Used to clean up when the children were in bed and I never used their telephone (other babysitters used to use the telephone all night, which was very expensive in those days).

My friend and her other half are retired and go away in their motor home most of the time now - they saved all their working lives for it and they are now getting the mileage out of it. They are not at the beck and call of their children for childminding duty.

I see my grandchildren every day (all of them on a Saturday). I do two day's childminding for each daughter and my husband does one day by himself for one daughter. I have the grandchildren overnight every Friday and do Sunday lunch for everyone every week. I childmind in my own house and at my younger daughter's house who lives an hour away. I also work from home in the evenings.

I love my life - and I know that it won't last forever. I completely understand that at some point I will be 'redundant' as children can at some point find visiting grandparents 'stifling/boring'. I am also prepared for my children to reduce visits as their children 'grow away' and they will find more freedom.

I just go with the flow.

I don’t have any grandchildren my dcs are in their teens. However, you can bet that when they have kids I will do my utmost to assist them, even if it means looking after GC once in a while so that the parents can have a bit of a break.
My mother was a single mother and is a very hands on grandparent. She didn’t look after my dcs weekly, however she was always willing to help out with occasional babysitting. I was always grateful for her help .
My teenaged dcs have a close relationship with my mother. In fact dd1 is spending the weekend with my mother.
If my mother had not been so hands on , dd would probably not bother with her.
I am baffled by grandparents who refuse to do the odd babysitting duty. They should not be surprised when their grandchildren have nothing to do with them.

Your title is unpleasant. Your mother has already ‘put the effort in’ raising you. You complain that you just go round and sit there, so arrange something. ‘Hi Mum. We’re going to go to....... on........Why don’t you and Grandma come along?’

Your mother has other things she likes to do with her time off, other than look after small children. That’s allowed. It’s irritating not to get help when you ask for it - we’ve never had help either - but that’s the way of it. Your mother is under no obligation to provide you with free childcare.

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche

If parents want childcare for their children can't they pay for it?

I used to babysit for lots of young couples with children when I was 14/15/16 yrs old. I was booked up well in advance, a year in advance for Christmas and New Year.

Used to clean up when the children were in bed and I never used their telephone (other babysitters used to use the telephone all night, which was very expensive in those days).

My friend and her other half are retired and go away in their motor home most of the time now - they saved all their working lives for it and they are now getting the mileage out of it. They are not at the beck and call of their children for childminding duty.

I see my grandchildren every day (all of them on a Saturday). I do two day's childminding for each daughter and my husband does one day by himself for one daughter. I have the grandchildren overnight every Friday and do Sunday lunch for everyone every week. I childmind in my own house and at my younger daughter's house who lives an hour away. I also work from home in the evenings.

I love my life - and I know that it won't last forever. I completely understand that at some point I will be 'redundant' as children can at some point find visiting grandparents 'stifling/boring'. I am also prepared for my children to reduce visits as their children 'grow away' and they will find more freedom.

I just go with the flow.

Your dds are very fortunate I think Op is resentful because she is not asking for the level of child care that you provide for your dcs. Op is just asking for the occasional childcare.

My mum has never helped me out with the children. Not once. She expects us to visit too rarely coming to us, even when I had a small baby/toddler needing naps. It was therefore hard work having to transport enough toddler entertainment to stop them causing mischief in her house, travel cot etc for nap! And invariably it would be hard to get them to sleep in the travel cot in a strange environment so they would fall asleep on the car journey back and I would then struggle to get them to bed at night!

When it got to my second child I limited my visits as the hassle was more with two children. So she lost out with less contact with the children. However, it was her choice. I dont feel she owed me childcare. It would have been very helpful and supportive to have had her help over the years though but I didnt get any.

I dont think you can expect it. You are just lucky if you have the type of mum who wants to help and be hands on. Lucky those who do!

@Chilledchablis1

I simply don’t get these threads . I don’t understand the whole “ they’re your children, deal with it “ . I am a Granny to 2 amazing grandchildren and help whenever I can . I have them overnight and help out with childcare when I can . All my friends are the same and we all enjoy it . It enhances our lives . If I were you I would stop the regular visits , don’t be so available . I feel disappointed for you .

I agree. There's a massive difference between expecting grandparents to do full time childminding, which would be an unreasonable expectation, and occasionally take them to the park or babysit once in a while.

I don't think you're unreasonable OP and I don't see why you have to make the effort and they make none at all.

I'd be drawing back from these weekly visits. Let them make a bit of effort too.

I find it so sad that other people don't have a village.

My mum does 2 days a week childcare for us, my aunt does 2 and my MIL will do any ad hoc days we ask her to. All free.

My parents will also do overnight childcare whenever we need it, and will even shock horror pick up and collect the DC from us.

They had help from their parents and I would do the same for my grandchildren in the future.

"They don't owe you" is so petty. Imagine not wanting to help your own kids just because you had it harder. Life isn't always a race to the bottom.

I knew I wouldn't get any help when I had my children. I was a decade older than my parents were when they had their babies, so knee issues were starting to set in. My parents had already cared for siblings' children preschool and still had the responsibility of school runs etc. To ask them to have mine then at weekends, even occasionally would have been too much. They cared for mine twice in emergencies, but ultimately they are my children and my responsibility. In our family the younger generation go to the older generation for visits.

Ultimately they miss out.

MIL’s efforts over the years see here having a lovely relationship with the children.

My DD she is going away with is now 21. She’s driving them and is coming home from her Uni town to go because it’s important to her to do that event with MIL. You don’t get that kind of closeness without effort

My parents live 4 miles away. My son is 9 now, they've looked after him for less than 6 hours in total when I've had appointments. My mum was very excited when I was pregnant (IVF baby, many years of trying before that and 3 losses) but then seemed to immediately lose interest after the initial hospital visit and first visit at home. My husband worked abroad when my son was born, he was home for the first 2 weeks then went to Africa for 2 months. My parents visited once! When my son was about 2 they changed their car for a 2-seater which I thought was sad, they were not planning on ever taking him out anywhere with them. They have never pushed him in the pram or on a swing - too late now! We see them once every couple of months and they keep in touch by email which I am sure my son appreciates They really seem to enjoy his company when they do see him and buy him lovely thoughtful xmas/birthday presents so it's all a bit weird. People are strange! To my son it's a normal level of contact as that's all it's ever been so he's not bothered. I can't see him cycling over to see them when he's older though, I doubt he'd think of it! Maybe he'll send them an email!

@Lampzade

I think what I was trying to say, very awkwardly, was that you just have to go with the flow.

Some parents are available and willing to travel - others are completely unavailable.

Luck of the draw.

So this is where you are now.
They want to see more of the DC but you feel guilted into taking them and a bit let down because they dont ever offer to babysit?
You need to talk to them. Your Mum is working and even though she is not directly caring for your Grandmother she might be providing lots of help with cooking/cleaning and possibly emotional support (if shes' anything like mine, she will be listening to the same things over and over). Your Mum could be knackered for all you know and wondering why you arent helping her!! At 53, I come home and just want to sleep.
When was the last time you and your mum really talked? could you find a time to sit down with just her and really discuss how you both feel.

My kid's grandparents have never had them overnight, nor did they offer, or even when asked agree to any sort of childcare arrangements.
Not once.
I've done all the childcare myself, my ex-wife wasn't available due to work commitments.

My mum has taken them to the theater a handful of times and she is generous with gifts.

It is what it is.

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Bloody hate fair weather dgps. They want to tell all and sundry about their dgc but don't actually want to acknowledge sometimes a favour would be nice in the raising of them!!.

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This is spot on! Do one thing for you and have given you the earth. No I don't expect any help, anything is appreciated but by god do I know when they have helped me out, which is perhaps once every month or two if that.