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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else's parents not put the effort in childcare wise?

448 replies

TulipVictory · 03/02/2022 21:05

We rarely ever leave the children anywhere mostly because we just enjoy our time together as a family.

The one time we asked my Mum about a sleepover it seemed like a big inconvenience. We wanted it at our house because there wasn't room in theirs for the children and the little one who needs her travel cot. But they didn't want to sleep at ours where all the children's stuff is so it didn't happen.

I have an appointment tomorrow so asked if my mum can meet me there just to watch the two little ones while I go in but I have to go hers first and pick her up so she can sit in my car so that she doesn't lose her parking space.

They always make out like they don't see the children enough but everything is always on their terms. I pop over every week, sit in their lounge so that they can see them but if I wanted to go out, meet them somewhere etc to the park we never go! it's always like it's a big inconvenience! Please tell me if I'm
Being unreasonable but this is the way it's always been and I'm feeling a bit frustrated

OP posts:
ElftonWednesday · 04/02/2022 13:18

What about if they had a large family of five or six children or seven children, do you think its reasonable to expect the grandparents to provide childcare too?

I said the default position, acknowledging special circumstances. It's not particularly common for people to have five or seven children. Depending on ages I'd certainly be round to take one or two out at a time. And if they had loads of babies at once then I'd expect to help quite a bit too.

ElftonWednesday · 04/02/2022 13:19

Good for him. Frankly I’m astonished you ask it of him

Why? Have you ever thought that maybe he enjoys it?

Youcansaythatagainandagain · 04/02/2022 13:19

As my mother is now discovering. Every time she makes a snippy comment about not being close to my teens I smile and remind myself of all those times she could have spent time with them but chose not to. This is the result.

But for every one person like your mother who now has regrets, there is another who won't have any regret. They won't miss a relationship because they don't want one.

My parent's idea of a relationship with my children is to say 'give them my regards'. They really don't think they are missing out on anything. Neither attitude is right or wrong. Just different.

My children are the ones who really miss out as they have never known what its like to have a good relationship with older people who can share experience and family history.

Blossomtoes · 04/02/2022 13:19

@ElftonWednesday

Good for him. Frankly I’m astonished you ask it of him

Why? Have you ever thought that maybe he enjoys it?

I’d lay money he doesn’t. He must be absolutely knackered.
JassyRadlett · 04/02/2022 13:20

@Buttermuffin

I agree with JassyRadlett - it's not that you're being grabby and want free childcare. It's the sadness at your parents not wishing to help you , but also the impact it has on the relationship with your children. Close relationships take time and nurturing. They're not going to happen when you see your GC a few times a year and you're not even trying to talk to them. As my mother is now discovering. Every time she makes a snippy comment about not being close to my teens I smile and remind myself of all those times she could have spent time with them but chose not to. This is the result.
Taking childcare and ‘help’ out of the equation, I do find sad when grandparents don’t want to spend time with their grandkids doing things the grandkids love, like the park or wherever, and it all has to be on the grandparents’ terms. As you say, it’s about getting to know and building a relationship with the child as an individual.

Just as much as I’d find it sad if the grandparents never got the chance to share their own interests and passions with their grandkids. I experienced the latter with one set of grandparents and it made such a lasting impression, and built an incredibly strong relationship with those grandparents. Quite a stark difference to where your relationship to the grandparent isn’t about the child as an individual, but about fulfilling the role of ‘grandchild’.

My parents are on the other side of the world but my god they’ve made an effort with my kids, both to know who they are as people but to share with them their own passions. During one of the lockdowns DS1 developed a real interest in WW1, which is a particular passion of my dad’s, and they shared long conversations, Dad talked to him about his own grandfather’s experiences as an Anzac, and they’re currently planning a trip to northern France together. Dad will also tolerate vast amounts of Hot Wheels chat from DS2 and has looked up some of the categories of car to enable an informed conversation.

I thought 2 years’ absence due to Covid (we usually spend at least 6 weeks a year together) would make them near-strangers to my kids. But they’ve managed to maintain it and grow it with my kids. It’s been so wonderful to see, and even more wonderful at how dolally excited my kids are at the prospect of seeing them in a month or so.

Youcansaythatagainandagain · 04/02/2022 13:21

@JassyRadlett

So sad that people expect relationships to be so transactional

I sometimes wonder if it’s less purely transactional and more values-based. If you are raised in a family unit where it is expected and modelled that people help each other out, and those relationships continue with mutual support and respect in adulthood, then surely you’ll be more likely to help each other out, whether it’s when kids are small or when parents are older and need support?

Whereas a family unit that is more based on ‘I didn’t get any help so you shouldn’t expect it’ is more based on values of individualism and self-reliance with and may therefore be a bit more transactional in its approach to asking for and receiving help or even involvement from family members.

I think you have made a very insighful point.
Monopolyiscrap · 04/02/2022 13:22

@NoJaffaCakesAreKeptInThisVan

…I understand there is a perspective on MN that grandparents don’t owe you anything etc. However I think fundamentally there’s been a breakdown in the meaning of family...something that stems from the 70s maybe.

There are plenty of GPs around me that get it and do actually help. They will hopefully be well looked after when they need it.

I don’t know how I feel about helping DM when she’s really old. She’s never really looked after anyone apart from herself. She has abandoned her elderly cousin. Its hard to do but I think I’ll probably just do the same.

So she never looked after you as a child?
JassyRadlett · 04/02/2022 13:23

(But recognise that the above are my feelings based on my own values and the family unit I grew up in; others would probably look upon it in horror!)

moocow123456 · 04/02/2022 13:24

My parents are a bit like this although my M

ElftonWednesday · 04/02/2022 13:25

I’d lay money he doesn’t. He must be absolutely knackered

I feel sad for you that it's the only option you can imagine.

SartresSoul · 04/02/2022 13:26

My Mum did a lot for me when I lived close to her but since we moved 30 miles away we barely see each other which is a shame. She suddenly developed a hatred of the motorway after we moved which is.. convenient? So she rarely visits and if she does see the DC we have to drop and collect so we don’t do it often. Our choice to move away I know but she sees her partner’s grandchild far more than her own which is a bit sad.

Youcansaythatagainandagain · 04/02/2022 13:26

@JassyRadlett

(But recognise that the above are my feelings based on my own values and the family unit I grew up in; others would probably look upon it in horror!)
I grew up in a similar one and can resonate with your post.

I''m quite baffled that others can't recognise that not all families are the same. The expectation and sense of entitlement and equally the idea of a 'default position' is a strange one to me (although the idea of a default position is quite sweet but very much in a fairytale land).

Waxonwaxoff0 · 04/02/2022 13:26

@Blossomtoes why? My family help each other out, we always have done. That's how we are. I'm astonished that people don't want to help out family members where they can. My DS is nearly 9 anyway so not a toddler that needs running around after.

JudgeJ · 04/02/2022 13:28

@TulipVictory

The thing is I feel I have to visit every week. Well I want to because she lives with my elderly Grandmother. It just annoys me that this is the only way I get to see them, sat in their lounge. They also moan that they do not see them enough and say this to them..especially my eldest as she is often in school when I visit.
It sounds like your mother is stuck in a care sandwich, her mother on one side and grandchildren on the other! Maybe she feels she can't take on more responsibility if she is caring for her mother. I often have the grandchildren to stay and I am very pleased to be able to offer that help whilst I am still physically capable. It's sometimes for weeks in the school holidays, somethimes just an overnight but I don't feel obliged to have them and my daughters don't feel that way either.
ElftonWednesday · 04/02/2022 13:28

My parent's idea of a relationship with my children is to say 'give them my regards'. They really don't think they are missing out on anything. Neither attitude is right or wrong. Just different

I'm sorry for you, but in my view one attitude is definitely wrong there.

Blossomtoes · 04/02/2022 13:30

@ElftonWednesday

I’d lay money he doesn’t. He must be absolutely knackered

I feel sad for you that it's the only option you can imagine.

Oh stop with the condescending feeling sad and try to imagine (you obviously can’t) being almost 80. I’m ten years younger and totally knackered after a day of childcare.
hugr · 04/02/2022 13:31

@EmmaH2022

Interesting title They don't owe you childcare...?
MIL is like this but my husband was dropped off at one set of grandparents regularly in the evening and weekends, and another set of grandparents for 3 weeks in the summer holidays
Sugarplumfairy65 · 04/02/2022 13:31

Maybe your kids are bloody hard work. If they have the same sense of entitlement that you have, I wouldn't want to look after them either

UndertheCedartree · 04/02/2022 13:32

Some parents are just not into this. My parents moved country when I was pregnant to get out of any childcare duties!!Grin Their other grandma isn't bothered either.

This used to upset me a lot when I saw friend's parents doting over their DGC and offering childcare on tap. But ultimately I had to get over it as they weren't going to change. You get to a point it is just normal to have DC with you at appointments and you hang out with friends with no childcare too.

ElftonWednesday · 04/02/2022 13:33

I''m quite baffled that others can't recognise that not all families are the same. The expectation and sense of entitlement and equally the idea of a 'default position' is a strange one to me (although the idea of a default position is quite sweet but very much in a fairytale land)

I'm perfectly capable of recognising that all families are different and there may be good reasons for not wanting help or not offering. However the functional, healthy ideal position is that families help one another out. I'm very aware of my good fortune in being brought up in such a way that I can recognise that, and perhaps some people can't recognise that because they haven't.

ChrissyPlummer · 04/02/2022 13:33

My parents never really had help from their parents/in-laws. By the time I was born, there was only one GP each side. My DGF had Parkinson’s and couldn’t walk far (could just about manage living room to kitchen). He was ok for 5/10 minutes with me while my DM went to collect his pension for him. No way could he have physically managed two small DC (me and brother) for anything longer than half an hour.

DGM used to take me to the park when I was very small (2/3). I don’t really remember it have seen photos. She became ill when I was about 7 and never really got well again, she died when I was 12 but she wasn’t fit enough to do childcare regularly.

I still had a good relationship (from what I remember) and we slept at DGMs once, but we were a bit older then. She only had a 1 bed flat so wasn’t practical, unless an emergency.

I wouldn’t want to go to soft play or any other child-centred activity either. I’d be bored out of my skull. I, like many I suspect, find it more interesting when they’re older. DN (10) comes regularly; I’m collecting her from school later. We’ll play on the switch, get a take away and play some board games.

Your title makes you sound very entitled. Maybe they find small children hard work.

ElftonWednesday · 04/02/2022 13:34

Oh stop with the condescending feeling sad and try to imagine (you obviously can’t) being almost 80. I’m ten years younger and totally knackered after a day of childcare

Then don't do it, as you clearly have a lot of resentment about it, but stop taking your bitterness out on others.

UndertheCedartree · 04/02/2022 13:35

It's strange they say they don't seem them enough when they literally see them every week, though! My DC see their GPs a few times a year.

Appleandoranges · 04/02/2022 13:37

I think there are people who like children and looking after them and those that don't. Think in reality that those parents who get their children looked after by grandparents/aunts/uncles a lot often end up being the absent grandparents. Probably because they don't get that much out of children's company.

Youcansaythatagainandagain · 04/02/2022 13:40

ElftonWednesday
There is no point in reading other people's posts if you are just going to insist that you and your way of thinking is the only right one.
You won't learn anything new unless you open your mind to other people's experiences and opinions.