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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why did he have that in his bum?

505 replies

IfIcouldturnbacktime217 · 03/02/2022 21:02

So tonight DD asked me when she was going to bed about something a boy in nursery had on his bum. She said he pulled his pants down and showed her a worm then starts showing me her mini saying she doesn't have a worm! I've tried to ask how this happened and not got a lot of sense from her (she's 3) I think it may of been in the toilet but she said there was no teacher there. AIBU to be thinking they shouldn't be going the toilet together without a teacher and slightly alarmed by this?

OP posts:
icannotbebothered · 04/02/2022 08:22

@SC215

How has she not seen one before? Does she not have a father? That would be the most appropriate place to begin a discussion.

That would definitely not be the most appropriate place to begin a discussion, how strange! You can explain about penises and vaginas without flashing your own kid Confused

Yeah tbf, I remember seeing my dads penis when I was about 3/4, because I ran into a he bathroom when he was getting out of the shower.. nothing untoward at all but I remember it clear as day even now at 27 and I'd really rather not!
Devastatedyetagain · 04/02/2022 08:24

This amazed me - really? If a child confided in you that a man/boy had touched their flower/fairy/cookie, you would just brush it off? Wouldn't you have a conversation about it? Oh dear, when was that, what happened, where were you? It will become quite obvious if they are referring to a boy at school touching the cookie in their lunchbox. I find it quite scary that we are expected to treat our children like adults when it comes to naming body parts yet we don't engage with them and ignore their concerns. My 7 year old would be traumatized if someone touched her cookie or her favourite fairy and I would make a point of listening to her and discussing it.

Mamamia7962 · 04/02/2022 08:28

Typical Mumsnet pile on. This has got to be one of the nastiest threads I've read on here.

ThirdElephant · 04/02/2022 08:39

I mean, in nursery's defence, if she went up to the adults and told them the kid had shown her a worm, they probably thought nothing of it.

For what it's worth, OP, my DD has never shouted vulva around a shop (because we don't tend to discuss genitals when out and about). Baby born dolls come in male and female nowadays and I believe the male ones have little penises. You could get one and explain that you know it's a boy because it has a penis?

SoupDragon · 04/02/2022 08:40

If she were to tell a teacher that somebody touched her "mini", they will think she's talking about a toy

Only if they're thick.

SoupDragon · 04/02/2022 08:43

I mean, in nursery's defence, if she went up to the adults and told them the kid had shown her a worm, they probably thought nothing of it.

Not even if, as is the case in the OP, the child said "pulled down his pants and showed me a worm"? Really?

RJnomore1 · 04/02/2022 08:43

Not meaning to be nasty and o gave up reading the replies, but I’m another one who genuinely thought the wee boy had threadworms.

YeOldePotato · 04/02/2022 08:49

He shouldn't be showing her his thread worms or his penis.

Lovemusic33 · 04/02/2022 08:49

On mumsnet everyone calls it Vulva and penis, anything else is frowned upon 😉

I grew up with genitals being called ‘fanny’ and ‘Willy’ and I’m scarred for life……..not.

Anyway, I grew up in house of male and females so never had the shock of seeing a penis at the age of 3, I always bathed with my brother (only 18 months age difference) and had seen my dad peeing many times.

It’s fine that OP’s dd explained it as being a worm, that’s how she saw it. It’s OP’s job to explain technical terms and the differences between girls and boys.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 04/02/2022 08:51

@SoupDragon

If she were to tell a teacher that somebody touched her "mini", they will think she's talking about a toy

Only if they're thick.

Daft misuse of words is not cute, the words picked vary by region and are not universally understood. It isn't "thick" to have never heard of a ridiculous made-up term like "mini" being used for vulva. "Mini" has other meanings relevant to kids; a car toy, a Disney mouse toy etc. Cookie, flower etc similarly can suggest something else innocuous and therefore lead to confusion.

Regional affectations linked to "thick" parents are making their children unsafe. Teach your children correct words.

diddl · 04/02/2022 08:56

I think the most confusing bit is that the little girl thought he showed his bum.

Have you spoken to nursery yet Op?

Opalfeet · 04/02/2022 08:59

Penis and vulva? It would never cross my mind to use the word vulva, I thought it was vagina. Isnt vulva a part of the vagina? Think I need biology lessons

ShallWeTalkAboutBruno · 04/02/2022 09:01

@Opalfeet

Penis and vulva? It would never cross my mind to use the word vulva, I thought it was vagina. Isnt vulva a part of the vagina? Think I need biology lessons
Looks like you do, yes. The vagina is inside. The vulva is the bit you can see on the outside.
Flutteryblutterly · 04/02/2022 09:05

Omg, what is wrong with people on here?! 3 year olds are allowed to use the toilet freely in nursery. These are unisex. It's entirely probable that a boy and girl will go there at the same time, without adult supervision. There's nothing wrong with that. Kids are curious. Of course they're going to end up seeing other children's bits and pieces. The nursery should be made aware, but only to reinforce the fact that this should be a private occasion. They hav edone nothing wrong.

And, fwiw, my husband walks around naked in front of all our girls. Don't know why some people think that's wrong.

Opalfeet · 04/02/2022 09:09

@ShallWeTalkAboutBruno I always thought the vulva was the outer lips. I thought vagina was the whole thing. I've just googled vulva, I'm going to google vagina now. I've always used the word vagina

RJnomore1 · 04/02/2022 09:09

Agreed @YeOldePotato

ThirdElephant · 04/02/2022 09:09

@SoupDragon

If she were to tell a teacher that somebody touched her "mini", they will think she's talking about a toy

Only if they're thick.

Ever heard of Minnie Mouse? Or a mini convertible? If my DD said someone touched her 'mini', she'd be referring to her Minnie Mouse cuddly toy! Mini is one of the least helpful cutesy terms going for vulva because it has other meanings.

If you're such a delicate flower that you can't handle the word vulva, at least refer to it as private parts. That's clear enough for safeguarding disclosures.

IntermittentParps · 04/02/2022 09:10

@Mamamia7962

Typical Mumsnet pile on. This has got to be one of the nastiest threads I've read on here.
I agree. Some of you need to fucking back off. What we call things isn't the point of the thread. Plus it's clear the little boy was the one saying 'worm', so why the faux-bafflement of people going 'Oh, no wonder she's confused if you call penises worms'?

That would be vulva she would be shouting, not vagina. The vagina is internal and can't be seen.
This doesn't even make any sense. How do you know what word she would or wouldn't shout? Confused Did you just want to show off your own knowledge of genitalia words?

ThirdElephant · 04/02/2022 09:11

[quote Opalfeet]@ShallWeTalkAboutBruno I always thought the vulva was the outer lips. I thought vagina was the whole thing. I've just googled vulva, I'm going to google vagina now. I've always used the word vagina[/quote]
The lips are the labia.

Opalfeet · 04/02/2022 09:12

That's amazing, I've been using the wrong term all these years, it's the tube isn't it, it's like referring to a penis as a urethra?

Haha I'm an educated woman, honestly! Had two kids etc and at over 40 I've just learnt the correct term for my genitals. Vulva it is from now on.. 😬

ThirdElephant · 04/02/2022 09:15

Plus it's clear the little boy was the one saying 'worm', so why the faux-bafflement of people going 'Oh, no wonder she's confused if you call penises worms'?

I think the idea is that if the girl knew what penises and vulvas were, she'd know she'd seen his penis. Admittedly, it's not something that would have occurred to me prior to this thread, but it's a good point. If kids don't have any language at all for penis, how are they going to explain what's happened if a man shows one to them?

RosesAndHellebores · 04/02/2022 09:16

Is it incorrect then to refer to the female parent as mom, rather than mother?

We are educated. At three our children referred to willy and front bottom. They are both Oxbridge graduates.

This thread is hilarious.

Howshouldibehave · 04/02/2022 09:16

What did you say when your daughter asked, ‘why did he have a worm in his bum?’?

I’d be getting a good children’s picture book today to share with her and be have a few chats about different preposition!

ThirdElephant · 04/02/2022 09:17

@Opalfeet

That's amazing, I've been using the wrong term all these years, it's the tube isn't it, it's like referring to a penis as a urethra?

Haha I'm an educated woman, honestly! Had two kids etc and at over 40 I've just learnt the correct term for my genitals. Vulva it is from now on.. 😬

Yes, it's eye-opening when you realise! I think it'd why people get a bit evangelical about teaching kids the correct terminology; it's rather galling when you realise how many women don't understand the basics of female anatomy.
Stravaig · 04/02/2022 09:19

Two 3 year olds showing each other body parts seems pretty normal, especially where they differ.

A child not being able to accurately describe what they've experienced because they've been taught ridiculous cutesy names is a massive safeguarding issue. It's not enough that parent or teacher can decode special language. Using the correct terms lets anyone at all pick up on a possible problem.

Cutesy names make me wonder if not very grounded parenting, so I might hesitate about playdates, etc.

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