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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why did he have that in his bum?

505 replies

IfIcouldturnbacktime217 · 03/02/2022 21:02

So tonight DD asked me when she was going to bed about something a boy in nursery had on his bum. She said he pulled his pants down and showed her a worm then starts showing me her mini saying she doesn't have a worm! I've tried to ask how this happened and not got a lot of sense from her (she's 3) I think it may of been in the toilet but she said there was no teacher there. AIBU to be thinking they shouldn't be going the toilet together without a teacher and slightly alarmed by this?

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 05/02/2022 12:59

But it iant just about the names. The OP's 3 year old doesnt even seem to know that the bum is the part at the back!

Not just that but was totally unaware penises exist. At 3 id expect dc to know about the basic anatomical differences between boys and girls

NotMushroomInHere · 05/02/2022 12:59

@Lalalablahblahblah

Jesus. I don't get the obsession with using medical names! My boys use the words willy and foof but know the correct names are penis and vulva. We just don't use them day to day. Same as we generally say bumhole, rather than anus or head instead of cranium.. Why is everyone piling on the OP???
It’s been explained several times why using the correct names are important. ‘Uncle Bob touched my mini’ is far less clear than using vulva.

No one calls a head a ‘cranium’, if you spoke to a doctor about a headache you’d say headache Confused

GrannytoaUnicorn · 05/02/2022 13:02

@Hugasauras

What's a mini?
Hmm Ah yes, pretending not to know what OP meant.....very good Confused
whiteworldgettingwhiter · 05/02/2022 13:03

No, the kids should not have been alone in the loos and the boys should not have shown her his penis - talk to nursery about it.

But she should know where her bum is, should know words like penis, vulva (the vagina is hidden - it's the interior tube joining the vagina to the uterus), etc.

Osborne Books do age-appropriate books about girls and boys' bodies.

LeSquigh · 05/02/2022 13:34

FFS, no ones the word “vulva” in real life, it may be factually correct but I have NEVER heard anyone say it other than on here. Mini is perfectly acceptable for goodness sake!!

Stravaig · 05/02/2022 13:36

'Flower' as a cutesy term for vulva is of a theme with scented pantyliners and feminine hygiene sprays. Indoctrinating girls and women with the idea there is something intrinsically wrong with our bodies in their natural state, so they need to be prettied up, made more palatable. Just, no. Don't pass that shite on to the next generation.

'Cookie' is downright sinister. Cookie, as in sweet biscuit, is an everyday word for all of us, children included. Biscuits are supposed to be touched, licked, eaten, shared. They're given as treats, bribes, rewards. So why on earth would any parent think 'cookie' is a suitable cute name for a child's vulva, which shouldn't be randomly touched or shared, and isn't a treat or reward. It's as if they're trying to create confusion for the child as to what is appropriate. It's really worrying.

Stravaig · 05/02/2022 15:06

'Mini' is the brand name of a car. Or it's a toy car. Or it's a cartoon character, Minnie Mouse. Or it's a word in everyday English usage, mini, meaning a minature, small or diminutive version of something. I'm typing this on a mini iPad, the smallest member of the iPad family. So 'mini' can refer to absolutely anything, so long as there is a larger version too.

Why call a child's vulva 'mini'. What is it a minature version of? Does she have a larger vulva somewhere? On her back? Under her bed? It's nonsensical, unnecessary confusion.

More important though - as so many comments have pointed out - is that the random person your child is babbling to about her 'mini' is going to first think of the car, or toy car, or cartoon character, or mini version of absolutely anything at all. They're going to sift through all these possibilities for a long while before they wonder if perhaps the child's parents haven't taught her the word vulva.

If you want society at large to help safeguard your child, then teach them the correct terminology.

Chichimcgee · 05/02/2022 15:27

Really is this normal practice for men to have it all on show in front of their kids? I don’t know anyone that said they saw their dad’s dick casually when growing up. My husband would never dream of letting it all hang out in front of children, and I don’t know anyone else that would think this appropriate.

Nobody is saying walk around naked and show your bits off to the kids but it’s not unheard of to walk in on your dad or brother having a wee or in the bath etc

CasperGutman · 05/02/2022 15:51

@Whatdidisay

Nope, they constantly follow me to the bathroom but daddy locks the door and has a dressing gown so he's not walking around naked. I really don't feel my kids are missing out by never having seen their fathers penis?
Funnily enough, I can entirely understand a family where neither parent allows the children to see them unclothed. It seems a little bit prudishly Anglo Saxon, but could be seen as modelling that some body parts are private, I suppose.

What seems weird to me is this gender-based double standard, that children (you don't say what sex, so I'm assuming this would apply to both sons and daughters) can routinely see their mother's bits but a man's are so awesomely important that they can only be unleashed behind a locked door. 🙄

Fridafever · 05/02/2022 15:55

It’s presumably also that the (very important) father doesn’t do much looking after the children on their own. They’ve never had to take them to the loo when out for day for example.

OverTheRubicon · 05/02/2022 16:11

@Chichimcgee

Really is this normal practice for men to have it all on show in front of their kids? I don’t know anyone that said they saw their dad’s dick casually when growing up. My husband would never dream of letting it all hang out in front of children, and I don’t know anyone else that would think this appropriate.

Nobody is saying walk around naked and show your bits off to the kids but it’s not unheard of to walk in on your dad or brother having a wee or in the bath etc

Actually, we come from a culture where it's absolutely normal. Children and parents of the same sex will often go to communal baths, and even with mothers./sons and vice versa it's relatively common to have mixed bathing (and definitely common to see each other naked). Being incredibly hung up about naked bodies is generally an Anglo-European thing.
NotMushroomInHere · 05/02/2022 17:15

@LeSquigh

FFS, no ones the word “vulva” in real life, it may be factually correct but I have NEVER heard anyone say it other than on here. Mini is perfectly acceptable for goodness sake!!
Not true. DD is 4 and knows her vulva is her vulva because that’s what it is, just like her ear or her tooth or her toe. Have you read the people explaining why it’s not ideal to use words like mini?
Chichimcgee · 05/02/2022 17:19

@NotMushroomInHere

Can you imagine all these adult women explaining to their doctor that their ‘foo foo’ or ‘mini’ is sore or they have a weird discharge from their ‘flower’
it’s not like talking about genitals is a regular thing but when you do surely people use the right word?!

liveforsummer · 05/02/2022 17:19

Really is this normal practice for men to have it all on show in front of their kids? I don’t know anyone that said they saw their dad’s dick casually when growing up. My husband would never dream of letting it all hang out in front of children, and I don’t know anyone else that would think this appropriate.

You probably do know plenty people.
It's not really a topic for casual conversation and mostly they will have been to young to really remember it however will have given the knowledge/brought up the subject naturally of the difference between male and female bodies

NotMushroomInHere · 05/02/2022 18:07

It baffles me every time on these threads, there’ll be child protection professionals talking about the problems with using cutesy words and people will still say ‘eww no one says vulva!’ It’s just a word 🤷‍♀️

nokidshere · 05/02/2022 18:17

My two (boys) hopped in the bath with me or DH until they were 6/7 and only stopped because there wasn't room. They thought nothing of walking in when we were changing etc. It all stopped naturally around the age of 7/8 when they decided they wanted privacy and we noticed they started to close doors or knock on ours before coming in.

They have no recollection at all (age 20&23 now) of seeing either parent naked or even bathing with us .

Monopolyiscrap · 05/02/2022 18:38

With small children, you have to act very deliberately if you don't want them ever to see you partially or fully naked. Toddlers will see you on the toilet, getting dressed, etc.

Moonshine9 · 05/02/2022 18:46

@Fridafever

It’s presumably also that the (very important) father doesn’t do much looking after the children on their own. They’ve never had to take them to the loo when out for day for example.
This is exactly what I was thinking. Not OP cos she's a single mother.

But does everyone else's young DDs not go out anywhere with just their dad? So would have to go in the toilet with him?

liveforsummer · 05/02/2022 19:35

I'm also a single parent. Dd1 will have gone in and out the bathroom plenty when her dad still lived with us. Dd2 probably hasn't seen an adult males penis but will have seen them when I've taken friends ds's to the loo around toilet training age along with her. Also always had anatomically correct dolls kicking about. It really is something that should be known about at 3

autienotnaughty · 05/02/2022 19:49

@Icantremembermyusername

Jeez, glad people came in with references to body parts, I was thinking he was storing a garden worm in his bum cheeks and scared where that might end!
I thought he had worms 😂😂😂
ThirdElephant · 06/02/2022 06:46

But does everyone else's young DDs not go out anywhere with just their dad? So would have to go in the toilet with him?

He's taken her to the toilet but only because she needs it, IYSWIM? He doesn't generally need to go himself when he's out and about, unless it's a full day-trip kinda deal, in which case I'm there as well.

LargeYorkshirePuddingAndGravy · 06/02/2022 07:05

When my son was around that age he went through a stage where he would shout out the name of the genitalia he assumed people had as we went past.

So we'd be out for a walk and he would be in his pushchair and if a man walked past he would just shout penis really loud and if a lady walked past he'd shout vagina Grin
We weren't embarrassed, they're just words he was learning. We did get some looks though

He's 7 now and had a phase where he was obsessed with learning about the human body so he knows the names of all body parts. He takes great joy in loudly correcting any of us if we say vagina "it's your vulva, the vagina is inside and you can't see it"

He's autistic and doesn't like people to say the wrong words!

Fridafever · 06/02/2022 07:08

We had a brief phase where DS would point at someone and say “he got a penis” or “she got a vulva”. Luckily his speech was pretty unclear at the time.

UsernameInTheTown · 06/02/2022 07:38

Squeaky Mini Snigger

Moonshine9 · 06/02/2022 09:19

@ThirdElephant

But does everyone else's young DDs not go out anywhere with just their dad? So would have to go in the toilet with him?

He's taken her to the toilet but only because she needs it, IYSWIM? He doesn't generally need to go himself when he's out and about, unless it's a full day-trip kinda deal, in which case I'm there as well.

Yes that makes sense. My DH must have a weaker bladder 😁 To be fair it's only recently he goes out for longer trips/days out with just her, because she's at school now and so we split the holiday childcare!