Friend staying over

[tireandsore101]

Hi name changed because I fear I am being unreasonable..
Good friend of mine in the middle of a breakup she lives about 2 hours away from me and asked if she can come stay with her 1 and 3 year olds for a few days while her partner moves out their home.
Obviously I'm trying to be there for her and the kids best I can so said yes.
I'm 8 months pregnant and still working full time also have a 2 year old.
I was hoping she would be considerate of those things.. I've put work off for the next few days to be available to them.
I finished a long physical shift of work last night at 8pm ish picked her up and brought her to my house she entered the house and plopped herself on the sofa and just watched as I struggled to bring the shopping I picked up for her and her 100s of bags/prams/car seats. She then informed me her kids were hungry and I needed to make them something so I made them some popcorn chicken and chips after they all ate she again retreated to the sofa and left me to tidy up wash up all that baring in mind is almost 10 by now
I made a bed for them up in my sons room and moved my son into my bed but she refused to share a room with her kids and insisted she slept downstairs
I asked about them waking in the night and she told me "if they wake up just go in there put them back In bed and sit with them they won't take long to fall back to sleep" by this time my husband came home from work and cut in and told her that's not my job she will need to get up and do it
5am we were woken up to children screaming then 7am to children banging and screaming and then 8am I wake up to find her doing a full makeup and skin routine in the bathroom next to my room with her kids running around upstairs screaming at the top of their lungs.

Quick back ground so I don't drip feed
I work self employed as does my husband running our business
My 2 year old is not at nursery yet and he has always come to work with us
Sometimes he goes to bed at 7pm sometimes at 10pm he is in an awkward nap phase when if he has one he won't sleep till 10/11pm ( some times worse) and if he doesn't have a nap he becomes the devil
Since we all don't have a set routine due to work and things like that whenever we can get the rest/sleep we do
She knows how I've been struggling with sleep insomnia peeing every house and the back pain
So I asked her to be a little considerate of that I showered her around the kitchen for food and anything she might need and told her to help herself if she needs to
I'm just feeling tired and in pain and grumpy this morning
I think she feels she's on holiday and expects me to do everything
I don't know
AIBU for thinking she's being rude or inconsiderate? Or do I need to give her a break as she is going through a hard time?

@Rory1234

I would immediately agree when she is leaving. She is not a good friend if she is treating you like this.

I would invent a relative who is coming to stay as soon as possible and give her a deadline to leave.

Why does the OP need to invent a relative, just tell the 'friend' to leave and go back to the partner who was probably glad to see the back of her if she's usually so entitled and lazy.

Glad she is leaving soon. But you can see what she is like, she is making her kids food and hasn't bothered with you or your child. Using your food and not offering to make you anything is unbelievably rude.

She's no Friend, You had( I hope) a Frenemy and she could've been enough to send you into early labour

Just make sure she leaves as planned

@tireandsore101

Okay guys haha the doormat/pushover comments 🤦‍♀️ I know I can be like that and I'm working on it. I'm definitely a people pleaser as much as I hate to admit it. Also no I haven't posted about this issue before I didn't know it was happening until yesterday morning AND she's been making comments this morning about how she knows someone else who did this and then just forgave their partner and let them stay blah blah so sounds like her partner isn't even leaving at all.. and to the person who asked if she's contributing financially no she definitely is not and I'm infact losing out on money by staying home with them today and tomorrow and obviously food and stuff like that my husband came home for lunch cause he was worried about me 😂🤦‍♀️ (just shows he knows what I'm like) and he managed to sort out her leaving on Saturday and he even offered to drive them home so I don't have to.. now I have a day she's leaving I feel completely better like I know it's not going to last forever.. she's currently making her children sandwiches for lunch while me and my 2 year old snuggle on the sofa watching coco melon.. I suppose it didn't take much to give her a reality check that I'm not gonna run around after her Thank you all I 100% would of ended up waiting on her hand and foot if I didn't read your comments Can't help but laugh at how much I depend on my husband to take care of me I don't know when that started lol I used to be a lot more of a stronger person I think I'm just used to him taking care of my problems and making my life too easy 🤦‍♀️

Great that you got this sorted. Don’t ever apologise for being a kind, good person, it’s your friend who should be apologising.

Did she offer to make you and/or your child are on the sofa watching tv? Has she offered to contribute financially to cover her stay???

You still need to have a conversation about that, @tireandsore101.

Stay strong op!

Sorry did you agree to be her nanny, housekeeper and maid as well as providing bed and board for her and her brats? You are 8 months pregnant ! Think of yourself and your baby. With friends like her who needs enemies. Telling you to tend to her kids if they wake .. that reminds of the Royle Family when baby David is crying and they look at the friend and she has to go and pick up him up. Get rid, you should be resting before birth, this is the time all your muscles are readying to give birth, you could do yourself a nasty injury and believe me she will not be mopping up after you . What a CF she is .

I'm so glad you've got an end date in sight. 😅 Time to revaluate your friendship with said friend.

Your husband is a keeper. ❤

Yea your husband sending her home. Did she think she was on vacation indefinitely?

You don't have a friend- acting-oddly-while-not-being-grateful-for-support problem.

You have a communication & assertiveness problem.
Here it is:
by this time my husband came home from work and cut in and told her that's not my job she will need to get up and do it

If you go through life unable to express your feelings clearly & depending on your DH to do it for you, you will keep encountering the problem.

You were clearly knackered & pissed off when you got back after that long shift, but instead of saying "Oi friend, I need a hand here", you martyred yourself.
Then you meekly did her bidding when she instructed you to feed her DC, as if you were the hired help.

Stop acting like the hired help & your problem will ... maybe not disappear, but certainly become easier to manage,
Start with this - www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

& if it doesn't help you enough, look into doing a course, or organising a few sessions with a counsellor who can talk you through how to communicate your wishes more assertively.

Good luck with whipping your friend into shape.
No doubt she has so much of her own shit going on that she has forgotten her manners, but I've never heard that even the extreme stress of breaking up with a live-in partner & relocating turned somebody into a domestic tyrant before ... so don't take any excuses from her.

I'm hoping this was out of character for her & you can sort it with a short good natured chat/light hearted pointing out eg "Can I remind you I'm 8 months pregnant & doing you a big favour here" ought to cut it, for starters.
If it doesn't, & this is what she's generally like ... then she's not your 'friend' is she?

I’m genuinely curious OP

You ask if you’re being unreasonable

Can you pick out one single line in your OP that would provide evidence that you are?

@HotToddyColdSauvignon

Nope… you can’t be wishy washy on this op

“Hi friend, just to let you know that we have guests coming to stay on monday, so I will need the rooms back by sunday night. Happy to help you move into your next accomodation - where are you moving to?”

Needing to tell lies instead of reasonably stating your own expectations IS "wishy washy.

Besides, it's the classic JADE-trap.outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain
'Friend' will just tell OP how she & DC will 'just camp out in the living room' (or more likely from this one, take over OP's own bedroom') for the duration of the Fantasy Visitors' stay.
So OP would then have to tell another lie, or back down ...
And still not have got to grips with what the actual problem is. IE her own total lack of boundaries, & over-reliance on her DH to sort it out for her.

"bad at confrontation" is a red herring.
Proper, calm, considered boundary-setting means there is no confrontation.

In what reality are you being unreasonable?...your so called friend is one hell of a lazy bitch.

I’ve just returned from staying with SIL for a week. The first thing we do on arrival is go shopping. I don’t drink but it includes several meals for everyone, wine, snacks, treats and pudding every night.
Her DH is very ill (so am I but in a different way) and she doesn’t get in from work until 6pm. During the week we did several jobs they can’t do without paying someone.
We cook or wash and clean up. SIL has a large home with a pool. I feel fortunate she’s happy for us to visit and I’m mindful that we don’t leave a nasty taste when we leave.
I did call her mad as a gift arrived from her yesterday for what we’d done whilst there. She was the host but I does think this shows we don’t take the piss.
Your ‘friend’ is awful. She’s treating your house as a free hotel with built in maid/nanny. Get rid of her, not only from your home but your life.

I suppose it didn't take much to give her a reality check that I'm not gonna run around after her

Congratulations OP!

See?
No confrontation, Use Your Words, & it was way, WAY easier than you feared, wasn't it?
Now ... keep practicing, & order the assertiveness book I linked somewhere upthread. Am pleased for & proud of you, keep up the good work!

@Toanewstart22

I’m genuinely curious OP

You ask if you’re being unreasonable

Can you pick out one single line in your OP that would provide evidence that you are?

I know. I always find it hard to understand threads like this.

I think I just thought maybe I was being inconsiderate that she was having a hard emotional time and felt lost with 2 kids and I felt bad to be feeling resentment towards her?? I don't even know
She is quite selfish in general
We don't see each other often but talk on the phone all the time (usually about her and her problems)
But there are times when she's been there for me when nobody else hasn't
We're quite young mid twenties and she's the only "friend" I have who had other kids so I guess I ignore and push stuff aside cause I have nobody else to talk about baby/kid stuff with
She definitely has been lazy in the past
Actually my gender reveal party for my last pregnancy she came to stay with me to help prepare and she ended up laying around all day while me and my husband did all the cooking and food prep for our guests I was only 20/22 weeks I think pregnant then and I remember thinking that should could of at least offered to help

I've learnt my lesson
Next time I'll put my foot down straight away
After I mentioned a few things this morning she's been soo much better
She's done some washing up and tidied the kitchen after their lunch and put toys away and stuff like that she even made me a coffee 😂

I do love Mumsnet
Thank you all !!

@tireandsore101 I think you probably had an inkling what to expect?

You can make better friends.

@Aquamarine1029

I would be showing her arse the door and then shoving her through it.

This is hilarious 🤣🤣 Love it!

I think I just thought maybe I was being inconsiderate that she was having a hard emotional time and felt lost with 2 kids and I felt bad to be feeling resentment towards her?? I don't even know

PP know! - it's because you have never learned (possibly were not encouraged to, or actively shown it was not allowed, in childhood) how to set & maintain your own boundaries.

Which is why you would feel a lot more confident & comfortable with your own emotions ... when you have done some training/counselling about your people-pleasing issue, & why you feel that your needs & feelings come second to everybody else's.

Boundaries are not selfish. They are a form of self-care, of putting on your own oxygen mask so you don't die from oxygen starvation before being able to help anyone else (& yourself.)

@tireandsore101

Hi name changed because I fear I am being unreasonable.. Good friend of mine in the middle of a breakup she lives about 2 hours away from me and asked if she can come stay with her 1 and 3 year olds for a few days while her partner moves out their home. Obviously I'm trying to be there for her and the kids best I can so said yes. I'm 8 months pregnant and still working full time also have a 2 year old. I was hoping she would be considerate of those things.. I've put work off for the next few days to be available to them. I finished a long physical shift of work last night at 8pm ish picked her up and brought her to my house she entered the house and plopped herself on the sofa and just watched as I struggled to bring the shopping I picked up for her and her 100s of bags/prams/car seats. She then informed me her kids were hungry and I needed to make them something so I made them some popcorn chicken and chips after they all ate she again retreated to the sofa and left me to tidy up wash up all that baring in mind is almost 10 by now I made a bed for them up in my sons room and moved my son into my bed but she refused to share a room with her kids and insisted she slept downstairs I asked about them waking in the night and she told me "if they wake up just go in there put them back In bed and sit with them they won't take long to fall back to sleep" by this time my husband came home from work and cut in and told her that's not my job she will need to get up and do it 5am we were woken up to children screaming then 7am to children banging and screaming and then 8am I wake up to find her doing a full makeup and skin routine in the bathroom next to my room with her kids running around upstairs screaming at the top of their lungs.

Quick back ground so I don't drip feed
I work self employed as does my husband running our business
My 2 year old is not at nursery yet and he has always come to work with us
Sometimes he goes to bed at 7pm sometimes at 10pm he is in an awkward nap phase when if he has one he won't sleep till 10/11pm ( some times worse) and if he doesn't have a nap he becomes the devil
Since we all don't have a set routine due to work and things like that whenever we can get the rest/sleep we do
She knows how I've been struggling with sleep insomnia peeing every house and the back pain
So I asked her to be a little considerate of that I showered her around the kitchen for food and anything she might need and told her to help herself if she needs to
I'm just feeling tired and in pain and grumpy this morning
I think she feels she's on holiday and expects me to do everything
I don't know
AIBU for thinking she's being rude or inconsiderate? Or do I need to give her a break as she is going through a hard time?

You are to good a friend she doesn't deserve you.

You sound like a lovely friend OP. I’m glad you’ve got this resolved and I hope you can enjoy your weekend once your guest is gone.

You’re not unreasonable at all and I’m at your “friend” and her lack of awareness.

That's brilliant OP but if she tries to extend the stay past Saturday, you need to be firm!

How do you run a successful business if you allow yourself to be treated like this