Friend staying over

[tireandsore101]

Hi name changed because I fear I am being unreasonable..
Good friend of mine in the middle of a breakup she lives about 2 hours away from me and asked if she can come stay with her 1 and 3 year olds for a few days while her partner moves out their home.
Obviously I'm trying to be there for her and the kids best I can so said yes.
I'm 8 months pregnant and still working full time also have a 2 year old.
I was hoping she would be considerate of those things.. I've put work off for the next few days to be available to them.
I finished a long physical shift of work last night at 8pm ish picked her up and brought her to my house she entered the house and plopped herself on the sofa and just watched as I struggled to bring the shopping I picked up for her and her 100s of bags/prams/car seats. She then informed me her kids were hungry and I needed to make them something so I made them some popcorn chicken and chips after they all ate she again retreated to the sofa and left me to tidy up wash up all that baring in mind is almost 10 by now
I made a bed for them up in my sons room and moved my son into my bed but she refused to share a room with her kids and insisted she slept downstairs
I asked about them waking in the night and she told me "if they wake up just go in there put them back In bed and sit with them they won't take long to fall back to sleep" by this time my husband came home from work and cut in and told her that's not my job she will need to get up and do it
5am we were woken up to children screaming then 7am to children banging and screaming and then 8am I wake up to find her doing a full makeup and skin routine in the bathroom next to my room with her kids running around upstairs screaming at the top of their lungs.

Quick back ground so I don't drip feed
I work self employed as does my husband running our business
My 2 year old is not at nursery yet and he has always come to work with us
Sometimes he goes to bed at 7pm sometimes at 10pm he is in an awkward nap phase when if he has one he won't sleep till 10/11pm ( some times worse) and if he doesn't have a nap he becomes the devil
Since we all don't have a set routine due to work and things like that whenever we can get the rest/sleep we do
She knows how I've been struggling with sleep insomnia peeing every house and the back pain
So I asked her to be a little considerate of that I showered her around the kitchen for food and anything she might need and told her to help herself if she needs to
I'm just feeling tired and in pain and grumpy this morning
I think she feels she's on holiday and expects me to do everything
I don't know
AIBU for thinking she's being rude or inconsiderate? Or do I need to give her a break as she is going through a hard time?

My Mum had a friend who asked to stay for a few days while she left her husband. Cheeky mare stayed for about 2 months. My Mum only found her spine when she tried to move her 2 kids in as well.
Once she found somewhere else to live my Mum never heard from her again.
Keep your boundaries firm! 2/3 days is out by Sunday at the latest. You need your weekday routine back from Monday.

This really is not a good friend if she's treating you like this OP. It's shocking behaviour.

Your DH sounds as though he's more able to be assertive, so wait until he's home and sit with her together and tell her that your plan is to take her back home on Saturday afternoon/early evening (if you can bare it that long). Give her a time to be packed and ready by. Whatever she says, be firm that she is unable to stay longer as you have other plans and it doesn't work for you to have her there longer. Offer to take her to a hotel if she can't go back home immediately, but don't buckle to allow her to stay longer.

You are doing her a massive favour, so she has to fit in with what is best with you. At 8 months pregnant you'll need Sunday to rest and recuperate.

Sorry to hear you are in this situation OP. I don't think she is a friend, no friend would treat another friend like this. She comes across as very selfish and entitled.

IMO this is just too open ended. I think you need to know exactly when she is going or tell her, you have plans on Saturday so she will need to go home Saturday morning.

I have an uneasy feeling that she is planning on staying for the long term. Do you actually know for sure that her partner is moving out this week?

Set your boundaries now and firm up when she is leaving and then if she tries to persuade you to let them stay longer term don't give in.

Wow does she think you have MUG printed on your forehead or something??

I do think she's being self-absorbed and quite rude.

However, I sense that you are a people pleaser and you struggle to ask for help or establish boundaries assertively. You end up feeling taken advantage of and resentful. I was very similar when I was younger.

You can do this! Well done for setting a clear boundary about food in the living room! She cleaned up straight away when you communicated the expected behaviours for guests in your home clearly and calmly. You can set more regarding supervising her children and being mindful of noise levels!

She is being inconsiderate however it's within your power to set out clear expectations for how guests behave in your home. If you do this - you will ALL have a much nicer time.

Good luck and take care of yourself. Your 8 months pregnant and looking after yourself (your un born DC and DS) must be your priority right now.

Sending very best wishes!

I hope you managed to tell her what’s what.
She isn’t going to change so your choices are accept her as she is or hoick your big girl pants up and chuck her out.

Wow, she needs to go. Get your husband to get rid, you could do without the stress. Poor you, hope you get a break before the baby comes.

She is rude and inconsiderate, I understand the whole confrontation thing, I hate it myself. You mention your husband would have told her to leave there and then had you told him about her having you carry all her stuff in. Please tell him.

@tireandsore101 i think you need to work on being more assertive and learning to stand up for yourself. Its actually a shame that you have to because you sound like a really lovely person. Its just that there are people who take advantage of nice people.

My daughter was like you really nice and sensitive and her friends would use her and walk all over her. Ive managed to build her up to have very good boundaries with her friends now and she actually has more friends with better relationships now. She was so lovely and innocent before but the world chews up abd spits out peopke like that.

Why do you call her a 'good friend?'

Did you post about this recently and say that she had been coming to you with her children for a break for a few hours and was hinting at coming to stay for longer to allow her husband to move out but she was already being a CF then and you didn't know how to deal with it?

She isn't your friend, she's using for what she can get and you need to put your foot down. If not for yourself, then for your husband and toddler. Why should they be made to live with this?

Tbh I'd speak to her when my husband was there as he's not scared of upsetting her. Surely her partner only needed a couple of hours to move out?

I agree with PPs. Tell your DH about the bags etc and let him evict her.

Why have enemies when you have "good friends" like her? She is awful! She is not a friend. No wonder her partner has left her, what a selfish entitled lazy person. Just because she is in the middle of a separation, doesn't give her an excuse to treat you like a slave. She should be bending over backwards after you kindly offered a place to stay, not plonking herself on the couch barking orders at you.

I can't believe she had the brass neck to suggest YOU get up with HER children at night!!!!

I wouldn't even allow her to stay tonight after her behaviour yesterday. Tell her she has to leave and tell her why. Your friendship is over anyway because I don't understand how you could ever look at her in the same way again after her behaviour so you may as well give her a few home truths on the way she has behaved and show her the door. She is not your problem. Have your husband there to back you up if you don't feel strong enough to confront her alone.

Good luck. Don't be a doormat. She's not a friend, she's a user.

If you really are not able for the confrontation, you should tell your husband all of it & let him give her hell.
I can't believe she let you do all that work, while sitting on her arse!

Good Lord she's an arsehole and a half isn't she?

I hope you've managed to have the conversation and given her a firm deadline to leave (like tomorrow?!)

Not read many PP but why does she have to move in with you just because her husband is moving out? How long does that take anyway? - one day probably. She is treating you very badly in your own house! Worse than merely rude. Ask her to phone he husband to let him know she is returning today or tomorrow.

Can't decide which is worse - her ordering you to cook for her children, or her telling you to get up with her kids in the night

Glad you're being assertive - you should also tell her she cannot sleep on the couch tonight - she needs to be in with her children, and that she can't stay past a week since it impacts on your work.

This is no friend.
Please ditch the cheeky fucker and regain your self respect.

Throw her out, I am sorry but this is probably why her marriage has fallen apart. If she leaves and doesn't speak to you again I'd call that a win win. You have nothing to lose.

Who needs enemies with friends like this.

She is a total CF and you are doing the right thing by telling her to clear off.

Do not put up with any excuses or “I’ll try harder” rubbish either. She needs to leave asap.

You need to be assertive and confront her. Yes, she's going through a tough time. That doesn't give her the right to treat you as her personal assistant/nanny.

You're pregnant FFS. Tell her to look after her own children and insist she finds somewhere to rent as soon as possible. You don't want a lodger + 2 small children around when your baby arrives.

Glad you are starting to tell her.

She needs to make your life easier by being there to share the work load - not harder.

She probably is reeling and shell shocked but that doesn’t mean you have to wait in her hand and foot while she turns your life and family upside down.

Being clear isn’t being confrontational.

Just say “now you are here, let’s talk about how we manage the running of the house over the next few days “, and tell her your needs and routine. Maybe suggest she cooks? And set a deadline. “Not sure what your timetable is but we need the front room and kids room back by next Monday”

' Df, it's lovely to see you but I'm finding having house guests much harder than I expected with being so far along. I'm happy for you to stay tonight but you'll have to book the train back tomorrow '