Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? DP doesn’t want me to volunteer

301 replies

VioletSky1234 · 02/02/2022 21:39

Honest opinions please. I have been looking for a volunteering role, and have found something I am interested in, and am good at. My partner however has objections. Should he have the right to ‘veto’ this? He has said if I continue he will leave me. I don’t want to say exactly what the role is, but it is a reputable organisation. I do understand why he is uncomfortable but don’t agree with his objections. Should I continue regardless of the consequences? Or stop something I enjoy because he doesn’t like it?

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 03/02/2022 00:11

OP isn’t going to say what it is because if she does then I suspect she won’t get the level of agreement.

justasking111 · 03/02/2022 00:12

@VioletSky1234

And yes I work full time, and contribute equally to bills. It is not something that would take away from our time together. It is something I can do in my lunch hour at work, for example, or the very occasional Saturday/Sunday.
You're giving up your lunch/downtime. It's eating into your weekend. I'm sorry but that's unhealthy . It's destroyed my friends marriage she works with children. She's quite unhinged in her views these days, her husband and friends have stepped away. Her children have suffered.
justasking111 · 03/02/2022 00:13

@AlternativePerspective

OP isn’t going to say what it is because if she does then I suspect she won’t get the level of agreement.
It doesn't matter so much what it is, but it's consuming her
AlexaShutUp · 03/02/2022 00:14

If it doesn't impact on family life in any way, and it sounds like it doesn't, then it really isn't his decision.

If he has a moral objection to the cause, then that would obviously be a factor in him deciding not to volunteer himself, but he doesn't get to dictate what you do with your time. Is he usually that controlling?

If it's something that you care about enough to volunteer to do, and it is so strongly in conflict with his values that he would actually decide to leave you for it, then that suggests that your morals and outlooks are fundamentally incompatible and you might be better off without him anyway. I suspect that he is not actually intending to leave and is just threatening you with this to get you to do what he wants you to do... which might also indicate that you might be better off without him.

If he cannot accept that you see it differently and respect the choices that you are making, then I would be thinking very seriously about whether the relationship had a future.

bookworm100 · 03/02/2022 00:20

@saraclara

He has said if I continue he will leave me

I mean... do you really want to be with someone who makes threats like this? Is this his usual way of behaving when he doesn't like what you do?

This
saraclara · 03/02/2022 00:21

If she's doing it in her lunchtime at work, she's not working/speaking directly with sex offenders.

ohdelay · 03/02/2022 00:22

If it's sex offenders (especially child abusers), I'm with the partner. I despise them. Apart from worrying about safety, I just wouldn't want that darkness in the house. I'd hate the idea of my partner playing nice with them. Being part of getting them released back into society. Helping pass their tests and learn all the right words so they get released. They should rot in prison. But like everyone has said, it's your choice.

DePfeffoff · 03/02/2022 00:23

Why does he "barely tolerate" you being a social worker - what has he got against it? Doesn't he think people deserve help from social workers? Or is he upset about you dealing with men in that role, too?

Earlydancing · 03/02/2022 00:24

So quite a large number of people are saying that they wouldn't work with sex offenders or paedophiles. But murderers and violent, psychotic felons are OK?

NoNever · 03/02/2022 00:26

@Earlydancing

So quite a large number of people are saying that they wouldn't work with sex offenders or paedophiles. But murderers and violent, psychotic felons are OK?
Ridiculous. If say I wouldn’t eat ground slugs with ants on top it doesn’t mean I think eating feces is fine.
Earlydancing · 03/02/2022 00:26

@DePfeffoff

Why does he "barely tolerate" you being a social worker - what has he got against it? Doesn't he think people deserve help from social workers? Or is he upset about you dealing with men in that role, too?
Maybe her clientele makes him worry for her safety and he can't take anymore stress?
mummykel16 · 03/02/2022 00:27

@saraclara

If she's doing it in her lunchtime at work, she's not working/speaking directly with sex offenders.
She said she will be
mummykel16 · 03/02/2022 00:28

@Earlydancing

So quite a large number of people are saying that they wouldn't work with sex offenders or paedophiles. But murderers and violent, psychotic felons are OK?
Who said that I missed it?
DePfeffoff · 03/02/2022 00:34

@Earlydancing, with every respect, speculating is pointless - much better to let OP answer my question.

Earlydancing · 03/02/2022 00:36

@Nonever
Ridiculous. If say I wouldn’t eat ground slugs with ants on top it doesn’t mean I think eating feces is fine.

No, but that's not what was said. The op asked if he was right to her objecting to her working with a certain (unknown) section of society. Posters responded, yes if they're sex offenders. Which implies he'd be wrong if they were any other offender. How else can you take it?

RoseRedRoseBlue · 03/02/2022 00:37

@saraclara

If she's doing it in her lunchtime at work, she's not working/speaking directly with sex offenders.
Errr....the phone? Zoom? Teams?
Earlydancing · 03/02/2022 00:43

[quote DePfeffoff]@Earlydancing, with every respect, speculating is pointless - much better to let OP answer my question.[/quote]
I don't think me offering an opinion is stopping the op from answering you. If you don't like my response, just ignore it. I won't be offended.

Forensicpsych · 03/02/2022 00:44

@saraclara

If she's doing it in her lunchtime at work, she's not working/speaking directly with sex offenders.
A couple of posts ago you were saying it was ‘highly unlikely’ volunteers would work with sex offenders. Have a google of Circles. She absolutely could be speaking with sex offenders on her lunch break. I don’t know why some people feel the need to speak with such certainty on things they know nothing of.
saraclara · 03/02/2022 00:48

Ah. I was assuming people meant sex offenders in prison.
My error.

mummykel16 · 03/02/2022 00:49

@VioletSky1234

He said he is barely tolerating what I do now. The next step would be meeting the person. In a strictly controlled environment. Like I said before I work for social services, so this feels like an extension of my day job.
I think your OH should just leave you and start a good life.
Hawkins001 · 03/02/2022 00:51

What ever decision you choose, all the best op.

mummykel16 · 03/02/2022 00:52

These days finding someone is so easy, with tin eye and other software, I'd be far from happy with my OH deciding to put a target on both of us for no reason

CakesOfVersailles · 03/02/2022 01:12

If it is a volunteer role with sex offenders or other violent criminals as some previous posters have speculated, then I have sympathy for your partner's point of view.

I have known people to get really sucked into that work and it has unbalanced their own mental state and had negative impacts on their lives and their friends and loved ones.

Or from spending so much time talking to these offenders and empathising with them it starts to affect their world views and they have justified pretty horrendous opinions and behaviour.

Or had clients they volunteer with become fixated on them or their families.

Or simply poured a lot of time and energy into programmes that turned out, on evaluation, to be ineffective or actively harmful.

So just BE CAREFUL.

ArchibaldsDaddy · 03/02/2022 01:29

Based on what’s posted here, this is insecurity (and resultant control freakery) on his part to a red flag level.

There’s one thing that needs to go here…and it’s not the volunteering opportunity.

PepInYourStep · 03/02/2022 01:48

It involves communicating with people who may be male

Big red flag.

No, this should not be something that he has a say in.