that school should offer lunch time detentions?

[ljs22]

Regular poster, NC for this post,

Firstly, I completely agree with the concept of detentions. If my dd (15) has done something wrong, she needs to be punished. That's fine. Thankfully she doesn't get them often - just the occasional one, usually for not doing homework on time.

But (here's the AIBU). After school detentions mean that she misses the school coach, which I pay £60 a month for to bring her home. I work 4 days a week and my partner works long and unpredictable shifts, so we are invariably not available to collect her when she has an after school detention. We have no family locally who can help out.

We also live a 40 min drive away from the school and public transport is a pain as we are in the back end of nowhere and she'd need to get 2 (sometimes 3) buses, one of which runs only every hour, so if she misses that she has a really long wait. Hence why I pay for the coach in the first place as it brings her right to the street we live on.

I've been informed today by email that she's been given an hour detention tomorrow for not doing homework. I've contacted the school to request a lunch time one instead in the circumstances.

But .. AIBU to request this? I'm not sure if I am or not, but I honestly don't know what to do. I can't take time off work to collect her from school, neither can my partner, and I don't want her stranded for ages waiting for buses either when I pay a company to bring her home for precisely that reason.

Some responses on here beggar belief.

A fifteen year old is more than capable of getting a couple of buses in the dark.

That people think the school is being unreasonable is silly. Schools want their pupils to hold themselves to account, be independent and proactive in their learning.
Not answering a question, because they didn't understand it/couldn't do it is not acceptable at 15. If a question is difficult, then you approach the teacher/email them before you hand your homework in.

To the pp who wondered if we'd like it if we were in this student's position, there are many, many people who had tricky journeys to and from school and coped.

OP , you really need to sit down with your daughter and spell it out.

@BopToTheTop

If she gets an allowance or pocket money could you pre-book a taxi for her and deduct it from what you give her over her next pay day/days?

That way she has to cover the cost of getting home however you know she will be safe

Yes I suppose I could. Or have DP collect her as he's off work and deduct his fuel money from her allowance. But after seeing her attempt at the so called "lack of homework", I'm less inclined to do this. I don't agree that she has done anything wrong in this case. She's made an attempt, and struggled with one question. I don't think that's punishment worthy.

@BopToTheTop

If she gets an allowance or pocket money could you pre-book a taxi for her and deduct it from what you give her over her next pay day/days?

That way she has to cover the cost of getting home however you know she will be safe

I think that is a good idea. She definitely needs to feel the penalty and ferrying her round at no cost to her won't teach her anything.

@ancientgran

Things have changed massively in 40 years. Generally for the better.
Things like actually caring if kids are able to get home safely is on of those.

I can't believe the number of people saying they would be happy to let their 15 yo daughter take 3 buses home in the dark, possibly waiting for long periods between stops,, because she failed to answer one homework question. To serve her right?

I completely agree and I’m sorry about what happened to your daughter.

I went to a girls’ school. For a short time there was a man who used to hide in the trees on the edge of the path to the school and jump out and expose himself to girls walking home from school in the dark in the winter months.

The unfortunate fact is that teenage girls are magnets for creeps. Of course all students need to be punished if they don’t do their homework. But their punishments shouldn’t compromise their safety.

@NorthSouthcatlady

Cool, then a staff member gets to have no lunch . The easiest fix is your daughter not getting detentions, why should the school schedule them at times that are convenient to her. That’s not the point of punishments

This. Staff don’t get paid for their lunch hour. They barely have 30 minutes any way ours gets clubs etc run for free. Detentions - bugger that - kid walks - done

Your daughter is however old enough to take the public transport home however inconvenient it may be and however long it takes. In fact the more inconvenient itnis the more likely she is to ensure she follows the rules that means she won't get detentions in future.

Just waiting for the "back in my day I walked 12 miles to school and had to scale a mountain barefoot" comments.

Personally I don't think you're being unreasonable, this world isn't safe for young women at all, we should ge doing everything we can to protect women and girls now, this is the exact opposite.

[quote RegardingMary]@ancientgran

Things have changed massively in 40 years. Generally for the better.
Things like actually caring if kids are able to get home safely is on of those.[/quote]
Getting a clear message works just the same as it did 40 years ago, or even 60 years ago when I was at grammar school. The issues were exactly the same which is why the head felt the need to make the statement.

We aren't talking about a toddler here, we aren't talking about a teenager being kept in detention till midnight.

She's going home on public transport at what 4.30 or 5 pm. I bet she's capable of catching a bus at that time if it is to meet her mates or something.

:28Cbtb

death due to being hit by a car on an NSL road with no streetlights or pavement in the dark or sexual assault at a lonely unlit bus stop in the middle of nowhere are not proportional punishments for not doing your homework
That's stretching things a bit too far. It's not a straight choice between dying or doing homework. It's almost a certainty that she will be fine on the way home, just inconvenienced by having to wait for the bus. Tens of thousands of children walk home.

@Broads93

Just waiting for the "back in my day I walked 12 miles to school and had to scale a mountain barefoot" comments.

Personally I don't think you're being unreasonable, this world isn't safe for young women at all, we should ge doing everything we can to protect women and girls now, this is the exact opposite.

Oh I know why don't we go for the Saudi option? Not let her out without a male guardian. She'll be safe then.

I bet she's capable of catching a bus at that time if it is to meet her mates or something.

I never allow her to catch the rural buses in the dark, ever. If she's meeting her friends and needs transport she gets a lift from here to the safer bus stop that's in the nearby town. She's allowed to get the buses where it's well lit and the buses are regular, after dark. Never the ones that are rural and come only every hour.

Well if the bus isn't a option then the parent being put to an inconvenience is the alternative so that should be the subject of the conversation with your DD not any conversation with the school to change the nature of the punishment they have given.

This thread has made me sad. I can't believe people think that a 15 year old waiting hours on unlit roads alone in the dark is acceptable punishment for missing one homework question. I'm glad the school were reasonable and moved it.

@ljs22

I bet she's capable of catching a bus at that time if it is to meet her mates or something.

I never allow her to catch the rural buses in the dark, ever. If she's meeting her friends and needs transport she gets a lift from here to the safer bus stop that's in the nearby town. She's allowed to get the buses where it's well lit and the buses are regular, after dark. Never the ones that are rural and come only every hour.

Well if the rural bus stop is the issue can't you just meet her off the bus?

"just not sure how you force a 15 year old to do work she can't be bothered with."

By letting her deal with the consequences herself & not having other run around to collect her for a start!

@ljs22

I understand those saying "she has to do her homework then". Of course - I completely agree! But what more can I do than reinforce this message to her consistently, which I do? I can't sit over her while she does it, and I can't do it for her. If she tells me she's done all her work, I take her word for it. Generally speaking, she does. It's just certain subjects she doesn't like so she picks and chooses 🙄

That's the message I'd give her.

If she picks and chooses what homework she's doing she's picking and choosing how she gets home.

I'd also be docking any pocket money of the extra fare or making her earn it through chores.

She's got to learn if she makes a choice knowing the consequence - she's made that choice and has to deal with the consequence.

Well if the rural bus stop is the issue can't you just meet her off the bus?

Not when I'm at work an hour away, no.

Or have DP collect her as he's off work and deduct his fuel money from her allowance

I must have missed the fact that your DP was off work anyway

@ancientgran Here we go 😂 the statistics are there for all to see, do you think the things these women have gone through are false? Just unsure as your comment implies you dont believe the statistics.
Women can't even trust the police for fear of being assaulted etc

Have just moved DD from a local school that seemed to send DC to a full days isolation for very minor behaviour issues, at no inconvenience to the parents, seemed to be the same kids in there on the few occasions my DD was there, she’s now at a school a bus ride away and inconvenient to get to, they only have after school detentions as not to disrupt their learning, but we knew this before we enrolled DD, much better in my book, if she gets one she will suffer the wrath of me having to go and get her.

@nationwde

Or have DP collect her as he's off work and deduct his fuel money from her allowance

I must have missed the fact that your DP was off work anyway

He is off work on a particular day next week, when they have agreed to rearrange the detention to. He wasn't off work on the original detention date - which was tomorrow,

I know the story has moved on now, but in future can't she get a taxi home and the fare comes out her pocket money?

OK. Unfortunately secondary school gets more inconvenient as they do their GCSEs and A levels. Exams start in the middle of the day or end in the middle of the day.

What happens if children do after school sports? Do you not allow her to do after school sport? Or after school drama? Or after school revision clubs - this is the nice thing about teachers, they stay behind after school and run revision clubs for the pupils in the run-up to GCSEs. Presumably your circumstances mean your DD misses all of these things.

@nationwde

She doesn't want to do any of those things, so it works out OK. If she did I'd have to maybe pay for her to get a taxi home on that evening? I don't know, it hasn't come up, so we've never needed to think about it.