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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

that school should offer lunch time detentions?

1000 replies

ljs22 · 02/02/2022 14:40

Regular poster, NC for this post,

Firstly, I completely agree with the concept of detentions. If my dd (15) has done something wrong, she needs to be punished. That's fine. Thankfully she doesn't get them often - just the occasional one, usually for not doing homework on time.

But (here's the AIBU). After school detentions mean that she misses the school coach, which I pay £60 a month for to bring her home. I work 4 days a week and my partner works long and unpredictable shifts, so we are invariably not available to collect her when she has an after school detention. We have no family locally who can help out.

We also live a 40 min drive away from the school and public transport is a pain as we are in the back end of nowhere and she'd need to get 2 (sometimes 3) buses, one of which runs only every hour, so if she misses that she has a really long wait. Hence why I pay for the coach in the first place as it brings her right to the street we live on.

I've been informed today by email that she's been given an hour detention tomorrow for not doing homework. I've contacted the school to request a lunch time one instead in the circumstances.

But .. AIBU to request this? I'm not sure if I am or not, but I honestly don't know what to do. I can't take time off work to collect her from school, neither can my partner, and I don't want her stranded for ages waiting for buses either when I pay a company to bring her home for precisely that reason.

OP posts:
SartresSoul · 02/02/2022 14:55

Spending your lunchtime inside isn’t enough of a punishment compared to losing an hour of your own time after school. Your DD knows she’ll be in this position if she gets detention but she does it anyway. She’s 15, not 11 so she’ll have to deal with the 2-3 buses.

TicTacHoh · 02/02/2022 14:55

You have a really odd stance on this, OP. Is this a regular occurrence? It's not up to the school to make detentions convenient for the parents, they are trying to teach pupils a lesson. Parents circumventing this won't help.

KateTheEighth · 02/02/2022 14:55

@PleasantBirthday

But they are creating an impossible situation for me as her mother.

No, it's your daughter doing that.

Absolutely agree with this

Tell her to get public transport home. An hour long wait for a bus will make her realise that doing her homework is a much better idea

Original poster
ljs22 · 02/02/2022 14:56

I understand those saying "she has to do her homework then". Of course - I completely agree! But what more can I do than reinforce this message to her consistently, which I do? I can't sit over her while she does it, and I can't do it for her. If she tells me she's done all her work, I take her word for it. Generally speaking, she does. It's just certain subjects she doesn't like so she picks and chooses 🙄

OP posts:
SciFiStirFry · 02/02/2022 14:56

Let her figure out how to get home OP, using her pocket money to pay for the fares. I assure you, there won’t be a repeat performance.

Original poster
ljs22 · 02/02/2022 14:56

@KrisAkabusi

We also live a 40 min drive away from the school and public transport is a pain as we are in the back end of nowhere and she'd need to get 2 (sometimes 3) buses, one of which runs only every hour, so if she misses that she has a really long wait. Hence why I pay for the coach in the first place as it brings her right to the street we live on.

Let her know that this is part of the punishment. A consequence of her behaviour is that she has to wait.

Which I wouldn't necessarily mind, but I'm concerned about her safety to be honest.

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 02/02/2022 14:56

@Wnkingawalrus

We also live a 40 min drive away from the school and public transport is a pain as we are in the back end of nowhere and she'd need to get 2 (sometimes 3) buses, one of which runs only every hour, so if she misses that she has a really long wait.

Well perhaps this will teach her a lesson.

And give her time to do homework!
RegardingMary · 02/02/2022 14:56

I'm shocked so many people are for this.

By the time afterschool detention would be done here (4.30) it's already getting dark. DS would then have to take a bus to the nearest town, then another to our village, then a 30 minute walk down a national speed limit road with no streetlights. He wouldn't be in until 7pm at the earliest by which time its pitch dark in winter.
All at just turn 11 years old. It's a huge and dangerous undertaking

cherryonthecakes · 02/02/2022 14:57

She might stop getting detentions if she had to wait for an hour in the cold for one of her 3 buses. (Natural consequences) By organizing a lunchtime detention you are making the punishment easier for her and more difficult for the school as someone has to supervise her

TheAverageUser · 02/02/2022 14:57

YABU let her take the buses, it's meant to be a punishment. She can do her homework while she's waiting for the bus.

JarvisCockersRightEyebrow · 02/02/2022 14:57

I don't care what she wants. It's about how it affects my own day.

It won’t affect your day when she gets the 2 or 3 buses home.

KateTheEighth · 02/02/2022 14:57

If you keep bailing her out she'll never learn

Stop bailing her out!

AwkwardPaws27 · 02/02/2022 14:57

Is there anywhere near school open later that, that she could wait at til you finish work? Library / cafe? She could do her homework there & be collected after work.

Original poster
ljs22 · 02/02/2022 14:57

@TicTacHoh

You have a really odd stance on this, OP. Is this a regular occurrence? It's not up to the school to make detentions convenient for the parents, they are trying to teach pupils a lesson. Parents circumventing this won't help.

Odd how?

No, it's not a regular occurrence, as I stated in the OP.

OP posts:
NoVaxDjokovic · 02/02/2022 14:58

Why is this impossible for you as her mother?

She gets a detention, she gets 2/3 busses home and it takes the time it takes. If it’s so terrible for her then maybe it’ll work as an adequate deterrent?

Original poster
ljs22 · 02/02/2022 14:59

@RegardingMary

I'm shocked so many people are for this.

By the time afterschool detention would be done here (4.30) it's already getting dark. DS would then have to take a bus to the nearest town, then another to our village, then a 30 minute walk down a national speed limit road with no streetlights. He wouldn't be in until 7pm at the earliest by which time its pitch dark in winter.
All at just turn 11 years old. It's a huge and dangerous undertaking

Exactly. I'm concerned for her safety with the length of time it would take her to her home, and it would require a number of buses, sometimes waiting for these for quite a while when it's starting to go dark. Added to which we live quite rurally, and the place where she would wait for the last bus is very remote.

OP posts:
Troublesometooth · 02/02/2022 14:59

As a teacher I won’t do lunchtime detentions. By the time it gets to 1pm I have been in school for 5 hours straight, usually without even sitting down, and so need the time to eat my lunch and use the toilet.

Original poster
ljs22 · 02/02/2022 14:59

@JarvisCockersRightEyebrow

I don't care what she wants. It's about how it affects my own day.

It won’t affect your day when she gets the 2 or 3 buses home.

It will because I'll be worried about her safety.

OP posts:
whysoserious123 · 02/02/2022 14:59

You are the parent the school and teachers have no power

If you tell the school she will not be attending after school detention then that's the end of it ! You don't even need to give a reason ! The school can not enforce it

If it effects you more than your child then perhaps you could give her a punishment at home instead ! Kids love doing chores for an example

NorthSouthcatlady · 02/02/2022 15:02

You need to take a step back and let her feel consequences. It doesn’t bode well if you always sweep into eradicating problems of her own making.

Troublesometooth · 02/02/2022 15:03

I’m not sure why you pay £60 per month for a chill bus?

If your child lives more than 3 miles from the closest school she is entitled to free transport.

If you’ve chosen a “better” school for your child that’s outside your catchment and further away then the long bus journey is what you have to accept.

She either gets a public bus, or uses pocket money to pay for a taxi if she has a detention. In 6 months time she will be able to get a full time job/apprenticeship and will need to think then about getting home later in an evening.

Lastater · 02/02/2022 15:04

She needs to wait for the bus. She's 15. Not an infant. That's the consequence of her actions.

Original poster
ljs22 · 02/02/2022 15:05

@Troublesometooth

I’m not sure why you pay £60 per month for a chill bus?

If your child lives more than 3 miles from the closest school she is entitled to free transport.

If you’ve chosen a “better” school for your child that’s outside your catchment and further away then the long bus journey is what you have to accept.

She either gets a public bus, or uses pocket money to pay for a taxi if she has a detention. In 6 months time she will be able to get a full time job/apprenticeship and will need to think then about getting home later in an evening.

I pay a coach company to bring her home (it also brings many other students home - they have a contract with the school). We don't live within 3 miles because we moved away a few years ago, after she had already started at the school (for my work reasons).

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 02/02/2022 15:05

I can see both points of view here - but if the catchment forthe school is rural then some adjustments have to be made.

What time would you be able to get her if you went straight from work? Could you say fine to the detention but she would need to remain in school until X time? Or given you are NHS staff do you work shifts and therefore could suggest a different day where you could collect her?

If the alternative transport isn't safe then I'd say that to the school and see where it goes. I do think the expectation of a late pick up at 24hrs notice is a bit much tbh when there is no viable other transport. Very different if you are at school in a city where transport is easier or walking an option.

ilovesooty · 02/02/2022 15:05

@whysoserious123

You are the parent the school and teachers have no power

If you tell the school she will not be attending after school detention then that's the end of it ! You don't even need to give a reason ! The school can not enforce it

If it effects you more than your child then perhaps you could give her a punishment at home instead ! Kids love doing chores for an example

No wonder recruitment and retention is so bad in teaching.
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