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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

that school should offer lunch time detentions?

1000 replies

ljs22 · 02/02/2022 14:40

Regular poster, NC for this post,

Firstly, I completely agree with the concept of detentions. If my dd (15) has done something wrong, she needs to be punished. That's fine. Thankfully she doesn't get them often - just the occasional one, usually for not doing homework on time.

But (here's the AIBU). After school detentions mean that she misses the school coach, which I pay £60 a month for to bring her home. I work 4 days a week and my partner works long and unpredictable shifts, so we are invariably not available to collect her when she has an after school detention. We have no family locally who can help out.

We also live a 40 min drive away from the school and public transport is a pain as we are in the back end of nowhere and she'd need to get 2 (sometimes 3) buses, one of which runs only every hour, so if she misses that she has a really long wait. Hence why I pay for the coach in the first place as it brings her right to the street we live on.

I've been informed today by email that she's been given an hour detention tomorrow for not doing homework. I've contacted the school to request a lunch time one instead in the circumstances.

But .. AIBU to request this? I'm not sure if I am or not, but I honestly don't know what to do. I can't take time off work to collect her from school, neither can my partner, and I don't want her stranded for ages waiting for buses either when I pay a company to bring her home for precisely that reason.

OP posts:
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 02/02/2022 17:03

@TheAverageUser

YABU let her take the buses, it's meant to be a punishment. She can do her homework while she's waiting for the bus.
Ah yes, what am incredible way to learn in the dark at a freezing cold bus stop. Detentions clearly don't work as if they did nobody would have one more than one.

I would ask op.

00100001 · 02/02/2022 17:03

Of the detention impacts the parents, they're more likely to get the kid to stop getting them.

Of they have lunch detentions, its.not as useful

Original poster
ljs22 · 02/02/2022 17:04

@arethereanyleftatall

I would wager a guess it's not 'just one last question that she didn't understand' but 'the straw that broke the camels back'

I think if there was an ongoing issue with my DD I'd have been made aware by now.

OP posts:
m00rfarm · 02/02/2022 17:05

To those of you who are saying that the teacher should not give up their lunch break, I assume it is the same teacher who will be staying after school to supervise?

nationwde · 02/02/2022 17:05

I think the after school detention (being more serious than a lunchtime detention at my DCs school (both are available)) does have the added consequence of the child getting a rollicking from their parent too. Part of the punishment and part of the deterrent from future poor behaviour/poor decisions - the consequence being that the parent is pissed off too and also tells the child off.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 02/02/2022 17:07

You have a compromise solution, so I think that’s reasonable on both sides.

If there’s another similar situation, what sanction does you think would be appropriate?

Original poster
ljs22 · 02/02/2022 17:07

@nationwde

As far as I am aware, after school detentions are more serious than lunchtime detentions. So maybe if she is slightly less naughty next time, she would only get a lunchtime detention.

Do you consider what she did "naughty"? Completing all questions except one because she didn't understand it?

OP posts:
Suprima · 02/02/2022 17:07

If your daughter doesn’t understand the homework, it is her responsibility to email the teacher and say that’s she’s had a go, and send a picture of the bits she has managed or some further study. Or, google it. There is a wealth of study materials out there to help pupils- The Student Room, for example.

I can’t think of a single one of my colleagues would have detentioned a child, when they had contacted them and asked for help.

Your daughter is inconveniencing you- not the school.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/02/2022 17:10

Maybe the reason detentions don't work @Getyourarseofffthequattro, is because, as clearly evidenced on this thread, far too many parents step in and take all the inconvenience on themselves. I think if the 15yo did either have to sit in the cold and dark for an hour, or had to pay for her own taxi; then maybe the detention would work.

TheSnowyOwl · 02/02/2022 17:11

YABU and your annoyance should be aimed at your daughter and not the school.

PleasantBirthday · 02/02/2022 17:11

@Suprima

If your daughter doesn’t understand the homework, it is her responsibility to email the teacher and say that’s she’s had a go, and send a picture of the bits she has managed or some further study. Or, google it. There is a wealth of study materials out there to help pupils- The Student Room, for example.

I can’t think of a single one of my colleagues would have detentioned a child, when they had contacted them and asked for help.

Your daughter is inconveniencing you- not the school.

This is the part I don't understand - that apparently there were literally no avenues available to her to help her understand if she didn't. Nobody to ask, no books or internet to refer to, no way to make any kind of a reasonable stab at this whatsoever.
Bookworm20 · 02/02/2022 17:11

@sicklycolleague

Should also have said earlier, I wouldn’t be making my 15yo get three buses in the country in the dark and I’m amazed there are people who think it’s an acceptable punishment.
This. I can't believe the number of people saying they would be happy to let their 15 yo daughter take 3 buses home in the dark, possibly waiting for long periods between stops,, because she failed to answer one homework question. To serve her right?

My dd had a detention one evening which meant she had to get the train home. She was 16, it was one direct train back and a bus from the station. easy route, but later than normal and was dark by that time.
The train was delayed, she missed the connecting bus and was assaulted. Not sexually thank god, a member of the public intervened and police were called.
Turns out the guy had started acting odd toward her on the train, but this did mean there was cctv of him.

what I would do to turn back that clock and refuse her the detention based on the late travel back in the dark alone.

Its not always so cut and dry as 'teach them a lesson, inconvenience their day'. we live in a world where it is simply not safe for teenage girls especially to be traveling alone when its dark. Its shit, it really is. But teachers often do not think of this when they dish them out.

The school has since changed its stance I am pleased to add, and now offer lunchtime detentions for students who would have difficulty getting safely home or if travelling home when it is dark.

harrystylestaylorswift · 02/02/2022 17:12

Can't believe people are blaming you for living in a rural area and daring to have kids who will sometimes need to get home from school later on certain days. Personally I don't think its safe for a 15 year old girl to be getting multiple buses home in the dark, especially if they're so irregular and the school shouldn't be putting their students, especially the girls, in unsafe situations like that. There should be a different detention arrangement for students who pay for the coach service and can't get home any other way. Standing in the cold and dark for an hour after already doing the detention is a disproportionate punishment for not handing in homework on time and it wouldn't 'serve her right' if the worst happened.

DiddyHeck · 02/02/2022 17:12

@ljs22

I've had a response from the school - they are moving it to another evening next week when my partner will be free to collect her as it fits with his shifts. No doubt he'll be thrilled when I tell him! She's a pain in the arse, I agree with that much. Just not sure how you force a 15 year old to do work she can't be bothered with.
You stop sending people to collect her and make her get the buses. From the sound of what you're saying, it's the only way she's going to learn because it'll be putting her out, rather than you or her dad.
ancientgran · 02/02/2022 17:13

My son started grammar school 40 years ago. At the parents introduction evening the head master said he knew the school was awkward for public transport, he understood it was awkward for parents if children missed the school buses but he wanted to make it clear that any discussions about the inconvenience of detentions need to be with the pupil not the school as under no circumstances would any detentions be cancelled, moved or changed for a different punishment.

We all knew exactly where we stood and so did our sons. I think clarity is a good thing.

Original poster
ljs22 · 02/02/2022 17:13

@TheSnowyOwl

YABU and your annoyance should be aimed at your daughter and not the school.
Initially it was, until I saw that she has in fact attempted the work. Now I think it's disproportionate.
OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 02/02/2022 17:14

@ljs22

To me, this is essentially the school choosing to punish my dd for gaps in her knowledge. That's ridiculously unfair.
As somebody who used to deliberately get lunchtime detentions from October - March for the first two years of secondary school (why on earth would I want to go and stand outside in the freezing cold and risk a kicking or getting twatted with a football for the best part of an hour when I could be in the warm and dry with a member of staff supervising?), I have to say that sometimes the gaps are there because by the time you've got around to doing the homework, you've forgotten the bit of the lesson where they carefully explained how to do that question.
deeplyrooted · 02/02/2022 17:14

[quote OnceuponaRainbow18]@deeplyrooted

I’d question why the mark is a ‘black mark’ always a negative connotation with the word black.[/quote]
That was my own turn of phrase rather than the school’s; they have a long serious sounding phrase for it.

I take your point though.

Original poster
ljs22 · 02/02/2022 17:15

@Bookworm20

That's absolutely awful, I'm so sorry that happened to your DD. This is my exact concern about her missing her coach home.

OP posts:
ancientgran · 02/02/2022 17:16

@ljs22

I've had a response from the school - they are moving it to another evening next week when my partner will be free to collect her as it fits with his shifts. No doubt he'll be thrilled when I tell him! She's a pain in the arse, I agree with that much. Just not sure how you force a 15 year old to do work she can't be bothered with.
So you've made it OK for her and if she doesn't feel like doing homework again she knows there will be a chauffeur to take her home, almost worth doing the detention for.
IWentAwayIStayedAway · 02/02/2022 17:16

Ill net my bottom dollar your dd's version of events doesnt match scholl. But thats your call. Can she move to a closer school btw?

FrippEnos · 02/02/2022 17:16

@ljs22

DD has just come home and shown me the homework she "didn't do". She's basically answered every question except for one, which she attempted but then gave up as she found it too hard. I was led to believe that she hadn't done it at all. I think in these circumstances it's even more ridiculous!
Its a classic homework dodge, up there with the dog ate my homework
Original poster
ljs22 · 02/02/2022 17:18

@harrystylestaylorswift

Can't believe people are blaming you for living in a rural area and daring to have kids who will sometimes need to get home from school later on certain days. Personally I don't think its safe for a 15 year old girl to be getting multiple buses home in the dark, especially if they're so irregular and the school shouldn't be putting their students, especially the girls, in unsafe situations like that. There should be a different detention arrangement for students who pay for the coach service and can't get home any other way. Standing in the cold and dark for an hour after already doing the detention is a disproportionate punishment for not handing in homework on time and it wouldn't 'serve her right' if the worst happened.

I completely agree.

OP posts:
Isthatthebestyoucando · 02/02/2022 17:19

I agree with you, their point of principle is a safeguarding issue when children are stuck out waiting for buses after dark.

BopToTheTop · 02/02/2022 17:19

If she gets an allowance or pocket money could you pre-book a taxi for her and deduct it from what you give her over her next pay day/days?

That way she has to cover the cost of getting home however you know she will be safe

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