that school should offer lunch time detentions?

[ljs22]

Regular poster, NC for this post,

Firstly, I completely agree with the concept of detentions. If my dd (15) has done something wrong, she needs to be punished. That's fine. Thankfully she doesn't get them often - just the occasional one, usually for not doing homework on time.

But (here's the AIBU). After school detentions mean that she misses the school coach, which I pay £60 a month for to bring her home. I work 4 days a week and my partner works long and unpredictable shifts, so we are invariably not available to collect her when she has an after school detention. We have no family locally who can help out.

We also live a 40 min drive away from the school and public transport is a pain as we are in the back end of nowhere and she'd need to get 2 (sometimes 3) buses, one of which runs only every hour, so if she misses that she has a really long wait. Hence why I pay for the coach in the first place as it brings her right to the street we live on.

I've been informed today by email that she's been given an hour detention tomorrow for not doing homework. I've contacted the school to request a lunch time one instead in the circumstances.

But .. AIBU to request this? I'm not sure if I am or not, but I honestly don't know what to do. I can't take time off work to collect her from school, neither can my partner, and I don't want her stranded for ages waiting for buses either when I pay a company to bring her home for precisely that reason.

@Floralnomad

I honestly don't know at what age I'd think it was safe for anyone to do that journey.

Currently we do all ferrying to and fro, and I can remember my parents doing the same for me until I passed my driving test at 17. It was the same for all my friends too, we'd all probably been driving years by then on family farms.
It'll probably be the same for my children.

I agree with you OP
I work in education and think schools need to see the bigger picture sometimes.

For those saying she is 15, there was an 18 year old girl abducted from a bus stop in daylight and murdered. I wouldn't feel comfortable letting a 15 year old girl travel that distance alone, its not safe.

If it ever happens again (hopefully not) maybe call and ask if she can complete it in her break time and hand it in by the end of the day, its hardly a life or death situation to do homework but traveling home alone might be

@PlantsAndSpaniels

I remember my mum complaining to the school about my brothers after school detentions for similar reasons. They changed it to lunchtime ones. People saying its inconvenient for the teachers, it's usually not just one child at a time and they used to do other work at the same time like marking or helping with coursework.

Oh that's fine so, you've their day organised for them.

@HeddaGarbled

It’s not a sufficient disincentive to misbehave if it doesn’t inconvenience her. Lunchtime indoors, minor to no disincentive, possibly even an incentive. Hanging around for buses for ages and losing a big chunk of her free time to it, excellent disincentive.

Teacher here. we have lunchtime duties, revision classes and sometimes would actually like a cup of tea and some headspace. I would advise you DON'T ask the school to consider lunchtime - it makes you THAT parent and teaches your child nothing. Homework is linked to attainment - those who do it and do it to a high standard get the best results as they have the best work ethic. It's your daughter's problem.

I'd let her get the inconvenient buses and consider it a part of the punishment tbh. Up to her to decide if it is worth getting into trouble.

death due to being hit by a car on an NSL road with no streetlights or pavement in the dark or sexual assault at a lonely unlit bus stop in the middle of nowhere are not proportional punishments for not doing your homework. Considering most people on here seem to think letting a teenage child walk alone in the woods in daytime is child abuse I’m surprised that so many think a teen should spend hours in the dark at a bus stop which if like the ones around here are just a pole with a sign on by the side of the road (sometimes without even a pavement to stand on).

If the school has buses for rural pupils they should know this and so have a system for other punishments.

As a child growing up rurally I did not do after school activities because I needed to make the bus home. This was common. Activities were done at lunch or if a group of us could persuade a parent to pick up several of us.

Could the school delay it to a date when you can pick up, or could she remain onsite even later? Many staff work pretty late

The whole point is the detention is supposed to be an inconvenience and a punishment so that the behaviour is corrected. If that is changed so they get to sit in a nice warm classroom at lunchtime then the punishment isn't effective.

Tell your daughter how inconvenient it is for you and the position it puts you in regarding work, travel to collect etc and maybe she will learn her lesson.

@KitBumbleB

I agree with you OP I work in education and think schools need to see the bigger picture sometimes.

For those saying she is 15, there was an 18 year old girl abducted from a bus stop in daylight and murdered. I wouldn't feel comfortable letting a 15 year old girl travel that distance alone, its not safe.

If it ever happens again (hopefully not) maybe call and ask if she can complete it in her break time and hand it in by the end of the day, its hardly a life or death situation to do homework but traveling home alone might be

Exactly, there really is a bigger picture that needs to be taken into account. I don't agree that the aim of a detention should be to make life as difficult as possible for the entire family unit. That's silly. It should punish the child proportionately without inconveniencing anyone else imo. Unless as her parent I am enabling the situation or refusing to engage etc (none of which are true - I'm doing my best to tell her to do the work!), then I don't think I should also be inconvenienced by my DD's own choices.

This will be an unpopular opinion but they cannot force her to stay. Tell the school that she will not be doing detentions 🤷‍♀️
When I was in school, I got a couple of detentions but just didn't go 😂 it's not like they're going to restrain her

*Considering most people on here seem to think letting a teenage child walk alone in the woods in daytime is child abuse I’m surprised that so many think a teen should spend hours in the dark at a bus stop which if like the ones around here are just a pole with a sign on by the side of the road (sometimes without even a pavement to stand on).

I agree. And yes, it's exactly that - a small pavement to stand on beside an unlit B road. There isn't even a shelter if it's raining. And it's very quiet and secluded. I'm not sure how many people would be happy for their own teenage daughter to stand there alone for an hour...

There was a thread along the same lines a couple of months ago and majority said the other OP was BU. DD has been lucky on this occasion that they've changed it however she needs to have it drilled home that next time she may not be so lucky. A lunchtime detention isn't a punishment especially at this time of year when it's freezing outside!

@ljs22

Those of you saying make it really inconvenient and unpleasant for her etc, I completely understand your point. She needs to learn. But it would make it equally unpleasant for me as I'd be at work worried sick until I knew she was home. If she missed the bus and was stuck waiting for an hour on a dark secluded road by herself, I'd be beside myself with worry. I wouldn't be able to focus properly at work. So it would affect my day, too. I'm all for causing her inconvenience so she learns, but it needs to be within safe boundaries and not impact on my day at all, imo.

I'm glad you were able to resolve it with the school - it seems like a solution has been found that suits everyone, though hopefully not dd!

Your point about its potential impact on your day has riled me a bit though. Had dd had to get the two buses the most likely outcome would have been that she would have been fine but you would have understandably been worried. You think your day should not be impacted at all. But you were quite happy for teacher' days to be impacted and for them to go without a lunch break etc. You've made a jokey comment that your dp will be annoyed at picking her and that she's a PITA Why is your day more important than other people's and what have you said to her about it?

DD has just come home and shown me the homework she "didn't do". She's basically answered every question except for one, which she attempted but then gave up as she found it too hard. I was led to believe that she hadn't done it at all. I think in these circumstances it's even more ridiculous!

Glad the situation has now been sorted. Kids ay!

We only started the secondary school route last September. Had one detention that should not have been issued, I complained and it was cancelled.

Do agree with detentions if they are deserved but like you there would be need to be a compromise of what night they would take place as I would have issues with collecting my child at later times at the drop of a hat.

Does she get pocket money?
If she gets detention and misses the school bus that you have paid for then she pays you that days travel cost, and/or the petrol cost for you to collect her or the cost of a taxi to bring her home.
Detentions are not supposed to be convenient.

You need to be more hands on and less passive. She’s shown she’s not reliable when it comes to doing homework so stop taking her word for it. Get her to show you the completed homework. That’s what my mum did with us. I don’t get why you’d continue take her word for it when she keeps being punished for the same thing.

School and their hours do not exist for you convenience.

It's your child, you are responsible for making sure they can get to and from school including contingencies. Why are you expecting teachers to work a school around you? She needs to experience the very inconvenient journey home, it will give her chance to appreciate the coach more .... And recognise how her choices impact on her.

Its all very well suggesting children don't get detentions, but in my dc's school 3 minor penalties get an after school detention. Minor could be no spare pen, so its easy to get a detention. I have made it clear that they do not have permission to keep my children after 3pm. I went in once and pulled my ds out of detention, because my permission hadn't been obtained beforehand. If he had been fighting, disrespectful, disruptive, unpleasant then fine, but not for forgetting his spare pen.

YABU, your day is not more important than anyone else’s!

@Mandofan

You need to be more hands on and less passive. She’s shown she’s not reliable when it comes to doing homework so stop taking her word for it. Get her to show you the completed homework. That’s what my mum did with us. I don’t get why you’d continue take her word for it when she keeps being punished for the same thing.

She did actually complete most of this work except for one question that she attempted and then gave up! That's the basis of the detention. She's just shown me the homework. I'm actually now thinking this detention isn't warranted at all. I was led to believe she'd not even attempted it.

@SeanMean

YABU, your day is not more important than anyone else’s!

I don't think I said it was.

Most schools have a late bus - I think it’s very bad if they don’t.

Also she needs to get in the habit of answering every question.
Else kids will just say I didn’t know how to do it - attempting every question will showed she tried.

So you contacted the school before checking the reason? and your daughter didn't think to show you that she'd done most of the work apart from one question?

YABU. The point of a detention is that it is a punishment. A lunchtime detention isn't much of a punishment because it is not cutting into the pupil's own time, they're just being forced to do one thing at school rather than another. (Yes maybe they can hang out or go to town for an hour, but they still don't have free choice over where they are.)

The other benefit is that it might inconvenience the parents, as is the case here. That's a good thing because it's making you think about how you control your child's behaviour (or at least, that's what you should be focused on). A lunchtime detention causes no problems for the parent, therefore many parents wouldn't care about them.