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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

that school should offer lunch time detentions?

1000 replies

ljs22 · 02/02/2022 14:40

Regular poster, NC for this post,

Firstly, I completely agree with the concept of detentions. If my dd (15) has done something wrong, she needs to be punished. That's fine. Thankfully she doesn't get them often - just the occasional one, usually for not doing homework on time.

But (here's the AIBU). After school detentions mean that she misses the school coach, which I pay £60 a month for to bring her home. I work 4 days a week and my partner works long and unpredictable shifts, so we are invariably not available to collect her when she has an after school detention. We have no family locally who can help out.

We also live a 40 min drive away from the school and public transport is a pain as we are in the back end of nowhere and she'd need to get 2 (sometimes 3) buses, one of which runs only every hour, so if she misses that she has a really long wait. Hence why I pay for the coach in the first place as it brings her right to the street we live on.

I've been informed today by email that she's been given an hour detention tomorrow for not doing homework. I've contacted the school to request a lunch time one instead in the circumstances.

But .. AIBU to request this? I'm not sure if I am or not, but I honestly don't know what to do. I can't take time off work to collect her from school, neither can my partner, and I don't want her stranded for ages waiting for buses either when I pay a company to bring her home for precisely that reason.

OP posts:
CraftyGin · 02/02/2022 15:06

I can't leave work to collect her - I'm just not allowed to do that. I work for the NHS too, so if I'm mid patient, I can't just drop everything and bugger off to get her. I also work an hour from her school.

Leave work as soon as you can and pick her up when you get there, ie make her wait a little longer.

Floralnomad · 02/02/2022 15:08

@RegardingMary

I'm shocked so many people are for this.

By the time afterschool detention would be done here (4.30) it's already getting dark. DS would then have to take a bus to the nearest town, then another to our village, then a 30 minute walk down a national speed limit road with no streetlights. He wouldn't be in until 7pm at the earliest by which time its pitch dark in winter.
All at just turn 11 years old. It's a huge and dangerous undertaking

I can see your point , but your child is 11 so a reasonable concern , by the time he’s 15 , which is the age of the OPs daughter he should be capable of getting a bus home in the dark .
Hellocatshome · 02/02/2022 15:08

My kids go to 2 different secondary schools one gets 20 minutes for lunch which includes queuing up, getting and then eating. The other gets 30 minutes to do the same. There would be no time for a lunch time detention.

RagzRebooted · 02/02/2022 15:08

YANBU, OP. I had similar with DS recently, he'd got his phone confiscated (fair enough) and as it was the 2nd time I had to go to school to collect it. I also work in the NHS and most weeks I work every day. DH doesn't have transport at the moment and other than the school bus, there isn't public transport to the school. I would have left him without his phone for weeks as punishment, but DS needs his phone to access his homework and timetable, because they are on an app Hmm. Also his bus pass and lunch card were in the phone case. I had to take a morning off to go to school and get it. I was fuming with DS!

If they get an after school detention, they will have to either walk the 6 miles down country lanes and very busy main road with no pavement, or wait outside the locked school gates until 6:30pm (it's a village so nowhere to go).

I don't have the answer though. I totally get that the point is to piss off/inconvenience parents so they make their kids behave better. It probably works in many cases.

itsjustnotok · 02/02/2022 15:09

Clearly your DD doesn’t really care about your day. She’s 15 and understands the consequences and the impact on you yet still chooses to continue the behaviour, which in all honestly comes across as little regard for you or respect, maybe that’s a bit harsh. Ultimately it’s not down to the school to make your life easier, it’s down to your daughter.

whysoserious123 · 02/02/2022 15:09

@ilovesooty

Agreed. But that is another issue

Doobeedoobee · 02/02/2022 15:10

YANBU! It's not as if detention is the only form of punishment. I'm sure the school can think of something else. I can absolutely see why OP doesn't want her daughter hanging around alone in remote areas after dark, waiting for buses (that might be delayed/cancelled). That is not a fair punishment and sounds scary and unsafe.

ButtockUp · 02/02/2022 15:10

At15 , she's old enough to use public transport.

She really needs to understand consequences.

YellowLemonz · 02/02/2022 15:11

If she tells me she's done all her work, I take her word for it

If she's been getting detentions for not doing it then you can't take her word for it.
You need to ask to see it to make sure it's done.

Original poster
ljs22 · 02/02/2022 15:11

I've had a response from the school - they are moving it to another evening next week when my partner will be free to collect her as it fits with his shifts. No doubt he'll be thrilled when I tell him! She's a pain in the arse, I agree with that much. Just not sure how you force a 15 year old to do work she can't be bothered with.

OP posts:
Original poster
ljs22 · 02/02/2022 15:12

@Doobeedoobee

YANBU! It's not as if detention is the only form of punishment. I'm sure the school can think of something else. I can absolutely see why OP doesn't want her daughter hanging around alone in remote areas after dark, waiting for buses (that might be delayed/cancelled). That is not a fair punishment and sounds scary and unsafe.

Thank you. I'm glad you understand this. If we lived in a busy town centre I might feel differently, but to be honest I don't think even I would want to wait on the remote lane she would have to wait on for a bus in the dark. And I'm 36, not 15.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 02/02/2022 15:12

@Askawayyyy

Could to instead ask your dd to stop getting detentions… seems the easiest option to me
Schools nowadays give detentions for quite minor infringements. Forgetting an exercise book or equipment for example. Kids are only human...they make mistakes. Not all detentions are a result of awful behaviour
ilovesooty · 02/02/2022 15:12

@ljs22

I've had a response from the school - they are moving it to another evening next week when my partner will be free to collect her as it fits with his shifts. No doubt he'll be thrilled when I tell him! She's a pain in the arse, I agree with that much. Just not sure how you force a 15 year old to do work she can't be bothered with.
Seems to be a fair response from the school.
BurntO · 02/02/2022 15:12

OP, your daughter has put herself in this situation. If you can’t get her then it will need to be a taxi? She can pay out of her pocket money I assume.

hangrylady · 02/02/2022 15:13

I'd be inclined to tell school she wouldn't be staying behind for detention and discipline her at home instead.

Dixiechickonhols · 02/02/2022 15:14

How old is she and can she get home safely via public transport? Eg if she’s 11 and it’s a 5 mile walk down unlit national speed road then you’ll have to either collect her or ask school to move.
If she can get home safely but it’s inconvenient and expensive to pay for bus then i’d let her crack on. I wouldn’t pay for public bus I’d say I’ve paid for bus pass you pay out of pocket money. It’s her who’s got detention and the inconvenience and cost to her should focus the mind.
Mines 16. I would be cross if she got detention so would see it as her isdue to sort getting home but we aren’t in middle of no where.

TheChip · 02/02/2022 15:14

Yanbu to request a change in the detention. You're not trying to get her out of the punishment, you're just trying to ensure that the punishment doesn't affect everyone else, too. I dont think there is anything wrong with that.
It would be different if this was a regular occurrence, but its not.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 02/02/2022 15:14

@ljs22

I've had a response from the school - they are moving it to another evening next week when my partner will be free to collect her as it fits with his shifts. No doubt he'll be thrilled when I tell him! She's a pain in the arse, I agree with that much. Just not sure how you force a 15 year old to do work she can't be bothered with.
I think way you do this is make the consequences inconvenient and painful for her. That’s the msg being said by many here. Your current tactic of taking on the inconvenience and pain as the parents is clearly not working.
Original poster
ljs22 · 02/02/2022 15:16

@Hankunamatata

Does your Dd not do any afterschool activities? As they would make her late
No she doesn't
OP posts:
Ducksurprise · 02/02/2022 15:18

Love all these make a 15 year old do it posts, combined with you are mollycoddling for picking her up but then you need to be shown every piece of homework.

Oh and all those that think public transport is a safe and reliable option. For swathes of the population it isn't, waiting at an bus stop on a unlit road to be deposited in a town in the other direction to get another bus and be dropped at the side of an A road is not safe but the reality for many.

I'm glad the school has been helpful, ours says the punishment is for the child not the parents (as they realise the reality of parenting a teen) and will schedule detentions like yours has.

PinkSyCo · 02/02/2022 15:19

So what if your DD has to get two buses home instead of one? That’s what you call natural consequences and is something that she’ll just have to deal with. You could even make her pay her own bus fare too, so that you won’t feel the loss of that £3 you’d have paid in coach fare for nothing if that’ll help you feel better.

Original poster
ljs22 · 02/02/2022 15:19

Those of you saying make it really inconvenient and unpleasant for her etc, I completely understand your point. She needs to learn. But it would make it equally unpleasant for me as I'd be at work worried sick until I knew she was home. If she missed the bus and was stuck waiting for an hour on a dark secluded road by herself, I'd be beside myself with worry. I wouldn't be able to focus properly at work. So it would affect my day, too. I'm all for causing her inconvenience so she learns, but it needs to be within safe boundaries and not impact on my day at all, imo.

OP posts:
CraftyGin · 02/02/2022 15:22

@ljs22

I've had a response from the school - they are moving it to another evening next week when my partner will be free to collect her as it fits with his shifts. No doubt he'll be thrilled when I tell him! She's a pain in the arse, I agree with that much. Just not sure how you force a 15 year old to do work she can't be bothered with.
Excellent compromise.
LuciaInTheGarden · 02/02/2022 15:23

I get that you cannot punish her with making her own way home, however you could take her phone from her because she doesn't give a shit about making it hard for you or inconveniencing you does she?

Ask her what she feels would be a suitable punishment for the cost of the petrol and time she is wasting of her parent.

PlantsAndSpaniels · 02/02/2022 15:24

I remember my mum complaining to the school about my brothers after school detentions for similar reasons. They changed it to lunchtime ones. People saying its inconvenient for the teachers, it's usually not just one child at a time and they used to do other work at the same time like marking or helping with coursework.

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