Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

that school should offer lunch time detentions?

1000 replies

ljs22 · 02/02/2022 14:40

Regular poster, NC for this post,

Firstly, I completely agree with the concept of detentions. If my dd (15) has done something wrong, she needs to be punished. That's fine. Thankfully she doesn't get them often - just the occasional one, usually for not doing homework on time.

But (here's the AIBU). After school detentions mean that she misses the school coach, which I pay £60 a month for to bring her home. I work 4 days a week and my partner works long and unpredictable shifts, so we are invariably not available to collect her when she has an after school detention. We have no family locally who can help out.

We also live a 40 min drive away from the school and public transport is a pain as we are in the back end of nowhere and she'd need to get 2 (sometimes 3) buses, one of which runs only every hour, so if she misses that she has a really long wait. Hence why I pay for the coach in the first place as it brings her right to the street we live on.

I've been informed today by email that she's been given an hour detention tomorrow for not doing homework. I've contacted the school to request a lunch time one instead in the circumstances.

But .. AIBU to request this? I'm not sure if I am or not, but I honestly don't know what to do. I can't take time off work to collect her from school, neither can my partner, and I don't want her stranded for ages waiting for buses either when I pay a company to bring her home for precisely that reason.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 03/02/2022 07:23

@ljs22

*Yea it's the old

Op Aibu

Pps yes

Op no I'm not! And here's why YOU are all wrong

Pps still yes*

Absolute rubbish! It's seems fairly split if not majority in my favour. I love it when people project and invent stuff to support their own narrative. Utterly fascinating...

Lol. The same poster posting over and over again, does not count as the majority.
Indigofig · 03/02/2022 07:26

@pumperthepumper a child in my school pushed another child with ASD down the stairs twice yesterday for no reason than he thought it would be funny. The child with ASD broke their ankle. I'm guessing we should just be empathetic to the child who pushed the poor student down the stairs and not sanction them? What education background do you have out of interest?
I very rarely sanction students and because of that they behave and complete their work. So yes, the behaviour policy does work.

EarringsandLipstick · 03/02/2022 07:27

The same poster posting over and over again, does not count as the majority.

I think there's quite a few of us agreeing with OP's standpoint. And more who have offered a nuanced viewpoint.

Only some (repeatedly posting) have disagreed with OP (fine), attacked her parenting style (not fine) and denigrated her daughter, saying she's lazy, lying (really not acceptable).

cookiemonster2468 · 03/02/2022 07:27

Sorry, YABU.

After school detention is actually a more effective punishment - when I was at school, no one cared about lunch time detention because you're in school anyway, missing a lunch break was not a big deal.

I would get a taxi and make her pay out of her allowance, or just make her get the bus and wait. She's 15 and shouldn't be getting detentions if she doesn't want the hassle of waiting.

MiddleParking · 03/02/2022 07:32

[quote Indigofig]@pumperthepumper a child in my school pushed another child with ASD down the stairs twice yesterday for no reason than he thought it would be funny. The child with ASD broke their ankle. I'm guessing we should just be empathetic to the child who pushed the poor student down the stairs and not sanction them? What education background do you have out of interest?
I very rarely sanction students and because of that they behave and complete their work. So yes, the behaviour policy does work.[/quote]
This tale strikes me as an argument in favour of not doling out detentions for not completing a question on the homework.

Original poster
ljs22 · 03/02/2022 07:33

I'm guessing we should just be empathetic to the child who pushed the poor student down the stairs and not sanction them?

They aren't mutually exclusive so you could in fact do both.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 03/02/2022 07:34

[quote Indigofig]@pumperthepumper a child in my school pushed another child with ASD down the stairs twice yesterday for no reason than he thought it would be funny. The child with ASD broke their ankle. I'm guessing we should just be empathetic to the child who pushed the poor student down the stairs and not sanction them? What education background do you have out of interest?
I very rarely sanction students and because of that they behave and complete their work. So yes, the behaviour policy does work.[/quote]
Yes, deliberately hurting another child (particularly one known to be vulnerable) is not the behaviour of a healthy, well adjusted child. So yes, we should be empathetic and work out why that’s the case.

I’m a teacher.

And punishment doesn’t work as a deterrent, because the behaviour has already happened. I’m sure you’re selling yourself short, I’m sure it’s not because you rule through fear but because you’re an engaging teacher who they respond well to, who gives them task they enjoy and see the value in.

Original poster
ljs22 · 03/02/2022 07:35

*Yes, deliberately hurting another child (particularly one known to be vulnerable) is not the behaviour of a healthy, well adjusted child. So yes, we should be empathetic and work out why that’s the case.

*Absolutely

OP posts:
Hyly68 · 03/02/2022 07:35

Only on Mumsnet…

On one thread you have female posters advocating Violence Against Women and in another you have female posters questioning why the OP won’t allow her daughter to get 3 buses home and wait around in the dark and when she’s clearly stated her daughters safety, she’s accused of being lazy and not supporting the school. I bet many women who are telling OP to do this would not do the same to their DD.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/02/2022 07:38

Reading through from last night, there's 2 points which jumped out...

  1. The dd could wait in the town where the school is for the op/her husband to finish and pick her up. This is a really good idea. (although I'm sure someone will be along in a second to say Starbucks is dangerous and their cousin twice removed knows someone who was assaulted in there).
  1. The op has become more interested in being right than actually what's in the best interest of her dds future.
Pumperthepumper · 03/02/2022 07:40

@arethereanyleftatall

Reading through from last night, there's 2 points which jumped out...
  1. The dd could wait in the town where the school is for the op/her husband to finish and pick her up. This is a really good idea. (although I'm sure someone will be along in a second to say Starbucks is dangerous and their cousin twice removed knows someone who was assaulted in there).
  1. The op has become more interested in being right than actually what's in the best interest of her dds future.
Aren’t you the poster that wrote ‘get her to take a taxi?! What about the taxis?!’ about five times?
Itloggedmeoutagain · 03/02/2022 07:43

I started off thinking you were BU
Not RTFT but read all OP posts
I'm a teacher and the only way I would give a detention in this scenario is if they had had a reasonable length of time to do the work but they'd made no effort to come and find me in between it being set and handed in and I'd made that clear when it read set. If I had set it say a week ago then I would expect the child to take responsibility and find me. If I had set it say Monday for Wednesday or whatever then fair enough.
Let us know how you get on OP

Hesma · 03/02/2022 07:51

YABU… it’s your daughter that needs to change, not the school policy. I’m guessing you know that though as you’ve disabled voting.

Original poster
ljs22 · 03/02/2022 07:56

@Hesma

YABU… it’s your daughter that needs to change, not the school policy. I’m guessing you know that though as you’ve disabled voting.
😂 sorry?

I'm on the mobile app, I've never enabled voting on any of my threads on here for that reason - it doesn't give you an option to. I wish I had now - I strongly suspect I'd have the majority on side.

I love the things people invent. So fascinating!

OP posts:
Original poster
ljs22 · 03/02/2022 07:57

I bet many women who are telling OP to do this would not do the same to their DD.

100%!!

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 03/02/2022 07:57

Yup, @Pumperthepumper

Because it was repeatedly ignored by the op, despite many posters suggesting it. Which is precisely my point 2 in the post you've quoted from me. Op was ignoring it because it didn't fit in with her ranty 'the school are putting her in danger by making her wait in the pitch black' (4pm 😂) narrative.

Original poster
ljs22 · 03/02/2022 08:00

@arethereanyleftatall

Yup, *@Pumperthepumper*

Because it was repeatedly ignored by the op, despite many posters suggesting it. Which is precisely my point 2 in the post you've quoted from me. Op was ignoring it because it didn't fit in with her ranty 'the school are putting her in danger by making her wait in the pitch black' (4pm 😂) narrative.

I'll just copy and paste my reply to you from yesterday:

Did you read my answer fully? 4.50pm if she makes the 3rd bus. If the timings for bus number 2 (which are in the local town and come every 10 mins) are slightly out, then she's waiting an hour on a secluded country road for bus number 3. Sunset has tended to be around 4.30-4.45 recently. I'm not happy for her to be standing on that road alone when it starts to go dark.

Not 4pm at all, is it......

OP posts:
TheChip · 03/02/2022 08:00

@arethereanyleftatall

Yup, *@Pumperthepumper*

Because it was repeatedly ignored by the op, despite many posters suggesting it. Which is precisely my point 2 in the post you've quoted from me. Op was ignoring it because it didn't fit in with her ranty 'the school are putting her in danger by making her wait in the pitch black' (4pm 😂) narrative.

That wasn't the point in the OP though. She was asking if she was UR to ask for a different time or day for the detention and gave reasons why she wanted to change it. There is nothing wrong with that.
Original poster
ljs22 · 03/02/2022 08:01

The taxi suggestion wasn't ignored - I responded saying it would be too expensive on top of already paying £60 for a coach every month.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 03/02/2022 08:04

@arethereanyleftatall

Yup, *@Pumperthepumper*

Because it was repeatedly ignored by the op, despite many posters suggesting it. Which is precisely my point 2 in the post you've quoted from me. Op was ignoring it because it didn't fit in with her ranty 'the school are putting her in danger by making her wait in the pitch black' (4pm 😂) narrative.

No it wasn’t, and loads of other posters pointed out the reasons a fifteen year old might not have £100s of pounds for a forty minute taxi fare, safety issues aside.
EdithStourton · 03/02/2022 08:08

@Pumperthepumper
Punishment doesn't work as a deterrent because the behaviour has already happened
But surely, if correctly applied, it puts the student off doing it again? If you trip up another kid in the playground and skin both their knees, two things need to happen to you. You need to be firmly informed that you must never do this again (with a side order of sanctions), and somebody needs to try and work out why you did it in the first place and to help you not do it again.

I work in a school that uses a mix of sanctions and empathy, and the standards of behaviour are generally very good.

As for OP's daughter: she can wait somewhere to be collected, pay for a taxi out of her own money, or just do what most DC do and not get a bloody detention in the first place.

PrivateHall · 03/02/2022 08:08

@ljs22

It was your choice to move miles away from her school, you weren’t thinking about her safety then!

@Soontobe60

How dare you. This is where my patience ends. Don't you dare insinuate I put my child at risk by moving areas! I arranged for her to travel by coach to and from school when we moved further away, I didn't leave her to fend for herself ffs! Get off my thread if you're going to make comments like that.

OP this has turned into the most bizarre thread I have ever saw. I have zero idea why you are getting such a kicking and I am really shocked at some of the attitudes expressed by teaching staff in particular Sad

I hope you get a quick response from school and can get this sorted.

I get that school staff are stressed, but please don't take it out on the dc. Eg my dc told their teacher yesterday that they felt sick and asked to go to the bathroom, teacher said absolutely not (despite them having a 'toilet pass' due to a medical condition) and dc then promptly vomitted all over the desk. Humiliating for a teenager. Teacher completely ignored the situation, dc ended up having to just get up and leave, the office staff called me.

If your DCs version of events is correct, of course they shouldn't be getting a detention!

PrivateHall · 03/02/2022 08:09

@ljs22

The taxi suggestion wasn't ignored - I responded saying it would be too expensive on top of already paying £60 for a coach every month.
You literally have the patience of a saint op!
wombat1a · 03/02/2022 08:10

Hang on, the school email said homework not handed in, it didn't say incomplete. Two very different things, if you DD insists she did hand it in then I would be asking why the school says she didn't, quite possibly the answer to that may end up in your DD taking public transport home as a punishment.

PrivateHall · 03/02/2022 08:11

@ljs22

I bet many women who are telling OP to do this would not do the same to their DD.

100%!!

This is so true, a recent thread asking if you would walk home in the dark revealed a staggering number of women who said they absolutely would not walk alone in the dark!
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.
Swipe left for the next trending thread