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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

that school should offer lunch time detentions?

1000 replies

ljs22 · 02/02/2022 14:40

Regular poster, NC for this post,

Firstly, I completely agree with the concept of detentions. If my dd (15) has done something wrong, she needs to be punished. That's fine. Thankfully she doesn't get them often - just the occasional one, usually for not doing homework on time.

But (here's the AIBU). After school detentions mean that she misses the school coach, which I pay £60 a month for to bring her home. I work 4 days a week and my partner works long and unpredictable shifts, so we are invariably not available to collect her when she has an after school detention. We have no family locally who can help out.

We also live a 40 min drive away from the school and public transport is a pain as we are in the back end of nowhere and she'd need to get 2 (sometimes 3) buses, one of which runs only every hour, so if she misses that she has a really long wait. Hence why I pay for the coach in the first place as it brings her right to the street we live on.

I've been informed today by email that she's been given an hour detention tomorrow for not doing homework. I've contacted the school to request a lunch time one instead in the circumstances.

But .. AIBU to request this? I'm not sure if I am or not, but I honestly don't know what to do. I can't take time off work to collect her from school, neither can my partner, and I don't want her stranded for ages waiting for buses either when I pay a company to bring her home for precisely that reason.

OP posts:
Original poster
ljs22 · 02/02/2022 23:15

[quote SE13Mummy]@ljs22 it's a specialist setting and is mostly an anxiety response. Doesn't mean I wouldn't prefer an email though![/quote]

I hear you Thanks

OP posts:
eekbumbler · 02/02/2022 23:15

I've had to stop reading on page 2 because I'm sickened by the amount of people suggesting a 15 year old girl should hang around in the dark for an hour waiting for a bus.

Seriously? If that was your teenage daughter would you still be saying the same?

Lots of schools have alternatives now for circumstances like this OP - they will not be happy letting a 15 year old girl out into the dark knowing it will take her hours to get home.

echt · 02/02/2022 23:19

The school should be working jointly with parents, so home life is entirely relevant. What about pastoral teams? Safeguarding teams? They all have a need to be aware of a pupil's home lives, surely

They do. However, the laws around privacy are very strict indeed in Australia, so background information is not as openly shared as in the UK. Teaching in the UK meant teachers knew far more about students. I've mentioned this, in a suitable context to pupils, and they're all agreed that more information being shared would be better.

MountainDweller · 02/02/2022 23:19

If I had inadvertently been given an after-school detention when I was at school several decades ago, I would have had a five-mile walk home up the steepest hill in the south-east of England - a road with no houses nearby at all for most of the route. There was no public transport at all, my parents had one car used by my father for work and they certainly didn't have the money for a taxi. Whole-class detentions based on misdemeanours committed by a few were frequently threatened. They were less frequently followed through after school, as I think, even back in the dark ages, that the school recognised the not-insignificant danger potentially faced by a significant number of pupils who would have no alternative other than a long walk home on dark country roads. Surely being hit by a car on an unlit, un-pavemented road and breaking a limb or worse is not an appropriate punishment for undone homework? I am surprised that today, when safeguarding is arguably taken more seriously, that this is not a concern for pupils such as your daughter. Therefore you are not unreasonable to ask for a different punishment, but possibly, based on previous responses, not reasonable to expect a teacher to give up their lunchtime to supervise her.

massiveblob · 02/02/2022 23:19

Make her pay for an Uber home

EarringsandLipstick · 02/02/2022 23:20

If you find this awful, then take some responsibility for your own opinion., why don't you?

I don't understand this. What do you mean?

I meant you sound entirely lacking in compassion, care for the students' well-being or the sense of being a support, not just an authoritarian figure.

I note that you taught for 43 years, so you are now retired & clearly older - no excuse, you are I imagine about my mum's age. She's a retired teacher, strict, big on discipline but full of compassion and absolutely took into account the students' home lives, individual challenges & what might work for one student and not another.

Pumperthepumper · 02/02/2022 23:20

@echt

The school should be working jointly with parents, so home life is entirely relevant. What about pastoral teams? Safeguarding teams? They all have a need to be aware of a pupil's home lives, surely

They do. However, the laws around privacy are very strict indeed in Australia, so background information is not as openly shared as in the UK. Teaching in the UK meant teachers knew far more about students. I've mentioned this, in a suitable context to pupils, and they're all agreed that more information being shared would be better.

But you still punished them.
echt · 02/02/2022 23:21

@EarringsandLipstick

If you find this awful, then take some responsibility for your own opinion., why don't you?

I don't understand this. What do you mean?

I meant you sound entirely lacking in compassion, care for the students' well-being or the sense of being a support, not just an authoritarian figure.

I note that you taught for 43 years, so you are now retired & clearly older - no excuse, you are I imagine about my mum's age. She's a retired teacher, strict, big on discipline but full of compassion and absolutely took into account the students' home lives, individual challenges & what might work for one student and not another.

You don't know me at all.

I'm responding to situations on the internet. not laying bare my soul.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/02/2022 23:21

I'm glad school have compromised.

The aim of the punishment is not to put young people's safety at risk

Spudlet · 02/02/2022 23:22

@massiveblob

Make her pay for an Uber home
Uber operates in cities. The op says she lives rurally. I don’t think it covers where I live, for example.
saraclara · 02/02/2022 23:24

@massiveblob

Make her pay for an Uber home
Unbelieveable.

I'm guessing you're a city dweller? The idea that an Uber is available in a very rural area is just laughable. I live in only semi-rural outer commuterland and there's no Uber!

EarringsandLipstick · 02/02/2022 23:24

You don't know me at all.

I know. Read my replies to you, where I acknowledge this (I would have expected better reading comprehension from you)

I'm responding to situations on the internet. not laying bare my soul.

Right. And it's those responses that I'm basing my reply to you on. You come across here as harsh, uncaring & utterly convinced there's only one way to effect change.

I'm sure IRL you're quite different. But here, your approach to students is shocking.

Original poster
ljs22 · 02/02/2022 23:25

I can confirm that there are no Ubers around here😂

OP posts:
TyrannosaurusRegina · 02/02/2022 23:25

@whysoserious123

You are the parent the school and teachers have no power

If you tell the school she will not be attending after school detention then that's the end of it ! You don't even need to give a reason ! The school can not enforce it

If it effects you more than your child then perhaps you could give her a punishment at home instead ! Kids love doing chores for an example

Why would you teach your child to basically laugh in the face of authority, especially when she is in the wrong and they are in the right. No wonder we have such entitled young adults in the world sticking their fingers up at everyone and everything.
mumofEandE · 02/02/2022 23:26

Last year I arranged for a (Year 7) student to do x2 lunchtime detentions as it would have been his mum who would have been punished as she was juggling work / other school pick ups!

EarringsandLipstick · 02/02/2022 23:26

Good luck getting it sorted @ljs22 I hope the school engage meaningfully, it sounds like they will. 💐

Original poster
ljs22 · 02/02/2022 23:27

@mumofEandE

Last year I arranged for a (Year 7) student to do x2 lunchtime detentions as it would have been his mum who would have been punished as she was juggling work / other school pick ups!

What a lovely teacher you are.

OP posts:
Original poster
ljs22 · 02/02/2022 23:27

@EarringsandLipstick

Good luck getting it sorted *@ljs22* I hope the school engage meaningfully, it sounds like they will. 💐

Thank you Thanks
And thank you again for your support on this thread.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 02/02/2022 23:27

You could just as easily argue that children don’t respect authority because their experience of authority is ridiculous, overblown punishments for minor infringements and ‘my word is law’ from every adult in their lives. I don’t respect people like that either.

echt · 02/02/2022 23:29

@EarringsandLipstick

You don't know me at all.

I know. Read my replies to you, where I acknowledge this (I would have expected better reading comprehension from you)

I'm responding to situations on the internet. not laying bare my soul.

Right. And it's those responses that I'm basing my reply to you on. You come across here as harsh, uncaring & utterly convinced there's only one way to effect change.

I'm sure IRL you're quite different. But here, your approach to students is shocking.

When I offered a wider context upthread, that my approach and consistency was praised, I was sneered at by PumperthePumper (not that I value their opinion). So that's why I stick to facts.
ladygracie · 02/02/2022 23:30

Are there lots of children who live rurally? I know you said she gets a coach so there are some. I wondered if most students live close to school and so journeys home after detentions aren’t considered in terms of safety because it’s not an issue for many people. It might be worth mentioning the safety issues with late detentions as general feedback so they can amend their policies.

MiddleParking · 02/02/2022 23:32

I'm sure I'll sleep tonight without your husband's input.

Grin
Pumperthepumper · 02/02/2022 23:32

@echt I am sneering at you, yes. Giving up your own Friday nights to punish children you didn’t know well enough to gauge their vulnerability is so odd to me. Especially when you’re so proud that the other adults praised you for it, imagine what similar praise could do to a vulnerable child. Instead of punishment.

echt · 02/02/2022 23:34

[quote Pumperthepumper]@echt I am sneering at you, yes. Giving up your own Friday nights to punish children you didn’t know well enough to gauge their vulnerability is so odd to me. Especially when you’re so proud that the other adults praised you for it, imagine what similar praise could do to a vulnerable child. Instead of punishment.[/quote]
Daffodil

Pumperthepumper · 02/02/2022 23:35

I can’t see that emoji, it’s just coming up as a dotted square.

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