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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

that school should offer lunch time detentions?

1000 replies

ljs22 · 02/02/2022 14:40

Regular poster, NC for this post,

Firstly, I completely agree with the concept of detentions. If my dd (15) has done something wrong, she needs to be punished. That's fine. Thankfully she doesn't get them often - just the occasional one, usually for not doing homework on time.

But (here's the AIBU). After school detentions mean that she misses the school coach, which I pay £60 a month for to bring her home. I work 4 days a week and my partner works long and unpredictable shifts, so we are invariably not available to collect her when she has an after school detention. We have no family locally who can help out.

We also live a 40 min drive away from the school and public transport is a pain as we are in the back end of nowhere and she'd need to get 2 (sometimes 3) buses, one of which runs only every hour, so if she misses that she has a really long wait. Hence why I pay for the coach in the first place as it brings her right to the street we live on.

I've been informed today by email that she's been given an hour detention tomorrow for not doing homework. I've contacted the school to request a lunch time one instead in the circumstances.

But .. AIBU to request this? I'm not sure if I am or not, but I honestly don't know what to do. I can't take time off work to collect her from school, neither can my partner, and I don't want her stranded for ages waiting for buses either when I pay a company to bring her home for precisely that reason.

OP posts:
Original poster
ljs22 · 02/02/2022 22:28

@EarringsandLipstick

Ops approach to the situation that there is a reluctance to enact consequences.

I don't agree.

OP has been clear from the start that she supports sanctions but where they are merited and where her DD safety isn't compromised

I think that's fair.

Again, thank you. You appear to be in a minority of people with the ability to read and understand! Grin

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 02/02/2022 22:28

@maddy68

Why should the teachers not have a break at lunchtime?

The detentions are meant to cause as much inconvenience to the child as possible otherwise the ta not a deterrent. Instead you could insist that they behaved in school

But they’re not a deterrent! They happen after the fact, the nature of detentions means the threat of a detention doesn’t work!
Original poster
ljs22 · 02/02/2022 22:29

Instead you could insist that they behaved in school

She does.

OP posts:
Original poster
ljs22 · 02/02/2022 22:30

@Claretmum

So you moved further away from the school for your work...yet expect them to fit around your day? Wow. Won't type the response from my HOY husband Hmm

That's OK. I'm sure I'll sleep tonight without your husband's input.

OP posts:
Original poster
ljs22 · 02/02/2022 22:31

She hasn’t ignored suggestions, she’s said they don’t work for her. She emailed the school and the detention was re-arranged for the following week when her partner was able to collect her daughter.

Thank you!

OP posts:
echt · 02/02/2022 22:31

But they’re not a deterrent! They happen after the fact, the nature of detentions means the threat of a detention doesn’t work!

They are intended as a deterrent for possible future infringements.

I can assure you no-one ever came for a second helping of my after-school detentions on a Friday.

Pumperthepumper · 02/02/2022 22:32

@echt

But they’re not a deterrent! They happen after the fact, the nature of detentions means the threat of a detention doesn’t work!

They are intended as a deterrent for possible future infringements.

I can assure you no-one ever came for a second helping of my after-school detentions on a Friday.

But they came for a first helping?
Florenz · 02/02/2022 22:33

You might as well say prison isn't a deterrent because it happens after the crime is committed. There isn't a punishment that happens BEFORE the the offence.

echt · 02/02/2022 22:33

Yes. Because there are are always those who try it on. Always in cover lessons now I think of it.Hmm

Original poster
ljs22 · 02/02/2022 22:34

@SunshineArtist

You’re being pedantic OP. The homework was to complete all the questions. Did she do that? No. The punishment for not doing homework, all the questions, is a detention. She got a detention, the day didn’t suit so the school changed it. That’s still not good enough for you so you’re behaving immaturely. The school will expect that from some kids but to have to deal with it from parents is something they shouldn’t have to put up with. You should accept that she didn’t do what was asked of her, didn’t seek help, so she does the detention. My child’s school wouldn’t entertain this shit, if you don’t like the rules, find another school. You’ll soon find it’s a you problem rather than a school one though.

Emailing a teacher politely and respectfully, to ask for the rationale for my DD's detention, constitutes "behaving immaturely"?

We'll have to agree to disagree there, I'm afraid.

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 02/02/2022 22:34

That's exactly what they have done, though. They asked me when either me or my partner was free to collect her factoring in our work shifts, and rearranged the detention to next week when my partner is off work. Some schools clearly will make an attempt to do just this when a parent is struggling. Thank goodness my DD's school is one of them

Yes, you are fortunate they were willing to give their time to rearrange things (I'm sure they had more important things to do). The very idea of teachers giving up their lunchtime to accommodate non cooperative students..............they barely get a lunchtime as it is

UppermillSarah · 02/02/2022 22:35

@ljs22

But your approach isn't working is it? Not totally

Define "working"? My DD is a happy, well rounded, caring, sociable individual who has a dislike of some school subjects and enjoys others. She occasionally doesn't do her homework. Other than that, she's smart and bright and she's got a very sensible head on her young shoulders.

My approach to parenting has achieved that, so far - 9 years of it as a solo parent. I'm proud of her and I'm proud of me for those reasons.

Why have you posted on here? You are not willing to listen to the majority of people saying you are unreasonable. Be proud but also acknowledge that your daughter has make a mistake and shouldn't be exempted from the normal consequences just because it is inconvenient. I've worked shifts as a nurse and been in similar situations on a couple of occasions with my kids but I just had to suck it up.
Pumperthepumper · 02/02/2022 22:35

@echt

Yes. Because there are are always those who try it on. Always in cover lessons now I think of it.Hmm
So you punished kids you didn’t know very well? And they still weren’t put off enough by this incredible punishment?

It’s almost like detention doesn’t work as a deterrent.

SunshineArtist · 02/02/2022 22:35

How the fuck do teachers cope? As if they don’t have enough issues with some kids, they have to deal with parents like this.

MrsR87 · 02/02/2022 22:36

@ljs22

I've had a response from the school - they are moving it to another evening next week when my partner will be free to collect her as it fits with his shifts. No doubt he'll be thrilled when I tell him! She's a pain in the arse, I agree with that much. Just not sure how you force a 15 year old to do work she can't be bothered with.
I’m pleased that the school and yourself have come to a compromise.

I’m a teacher and can see both sides. I certainly wouldn’t want a pupil’s safety to be compromised but also would need to follow the school’s zero tolerance homework policy.

There have been times when I, as a pregnant teacher have been told to supervise a pupil because they couldn’t do an after school session. On the occasions this happened I went from 7.30 until 4 with no food, which my husband was pretty mad about, as was my midwife! I said something to my line manager and luckily we now have a central area in the school managed by SLT that run detentions and break and lunch for such occasions.

echt · 02/02/2022 22:38

So you punished kids you didn’t know very well? And they still weren’t put off enough by this incredible punishment? It’s almost like detention doesn’t work as a deterrent

For some people, no, even when it's spelled out for them. But as I said, no-one ever came back. The whole point of the school's rules is that they apply to all students, whether or not they known "well".

mummykel16 · 02/02/2022 22:39

Any member of staff from a school that thinks this is a reasonable punishment given the circumstances should change career's asap as working in a school isn't for them. Nor is anything regarding child safety.

Original poster
ljs22 · 02/02/2022 22:40

@MrsR87

I'm curious - would your school's "zero tolerance homework policy" apply to a student who had made a good effort with most of the questions and just stumbled on the last one so gave up answering it? Would the approach be immediately to issue a detention, or to offer support?

OP posts:
giggly · 02/02/2022 22:40

I’m astounded at the complete lack of concern for a young girl expected to hang about on her own to travel to a rural location when presumably all the other pupils will have left.
Wonder how that stands in safe guarding for pupils ?
The sanctimonious attitude of its her fault just reeks of “don’t give a fuck”

EarringsandLipstick · 02/02/2022 22:41

@ljs22

I'm really impressed you've stuck around & continued to respond, despite the amount of posters attacking you, DD, your parenting style, life choices ... and so on!

I think disagreeing with OP is one thing & fair enough ... but the gratuitous attacks are another. OP has been at pains to say she supports the school, supports consequences, would like her DD ideally to not put herself in these situations & makes that clear ... but she expects consequences to be reasonable & fair. What's wrong with that? 🤷🏻‍♀️

echt · 02/02/2022 22:41

Any member of staff from a school that thinks this is a reasonable punishment given the circumstances should change career's asap as working in a school isn't for them. Nor is anything regarding child safety

Taxi. Sorted.

echt · 02/02/2022 22:41

@giggly

I’m astounded at the complete lack of concern for a young girl expected to hang about on her own to travel to a rural location when presumably all the other pupils will have left. Wonder how that stands in safe guarding for pupils ? The sanctimonious attitude of its her fault just reeks of “don’t give a fuck”
Taxi.
Pumperthepumper · 02/02/2022 22:43

@echt

So you punished kids you didn’t know very well? And they still weren’t put off enough by this incredible punishment? It’s almost like detention doesn’t work as a deterrent

For some people, no, even when it's spelled out for them. But as I said, no-one ever came back. The whole point of the school's rules is that they apply to all students, whether or not they known "well".

But knowing them well means knowing what their home life is like, if they’ve eaten that day, if they have beds to sleep in. And as we know, that’s what affects their behaviour.
MrsR87 · 02/02/2022 22:43

@ljs22
No because the majority had been attempted. I would have asked pupil to come back at break time so I could go through it with them and then if appropriate get them to have another go with an extended deadline.

EarringsandLipstick · 02/02/2022 22:43

@echt

Am I reading your last two posts correctly? Do you mean OP's DD should get a taxi home from detention?

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