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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

that school should offer lunch time detentions?

1000 replies

ljs22 · 02/02/2022 14:40

Regular poster, NC for this post,

Firstly, I completely agree with the concept of detentions. If my dd (15) has done something wrong, she needs to be punished. That's fine. Thankfully she doesn't get them often - just the occasional one, usually for not doing homework on time.

But (here's the AIBU). After school detentions mean that she misses the school coach, which I pay £60 a month for to bring her home. I work 4 days a week and my partner works long and unpredictable shifts, so we are invariably not available to collect her when she has an after school detention. We have no family locally who can help out.

We also live a 40 min drive away from the school and public transport is a pain as we are in the back end of nowhere and she'd need to get 2 (sometimes 3) buses, one of which runs only every hour, so if she misses that she has a really long wait. Hence why I pay for the coach in the first place as it brings her right to the street we live on.

I've been informed today by email that she's been given an hour detention tomorrow for not doing homework. I've contacted the school to request a lunch time one instead in the circumstances.

But .. AIBU to request this? I'm not sure if I am or not, but I honestly don't know what to do. I can't take time off work to collect her from school, neither can my partner, and I don't want her stranded for ages waiting for buses either when I pay a company to bring her home for precisely that reason.

OP posts:
TeenTitan007 · 02/02/2022 22:08

Also if she does need any harsh reminders to work harder/better you can use other methods - confiscating her phone on the weekend or reducing pocket money etc. This is only if you think that lunchtime detention is too easy on her.

Menstrualcycledisplayteam · 02/02/2022 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

ljs22 · 02/02/2022 22:11

@echt

That's what the email said - that she hadn't handed her homework in! Then my DD came home saying "yes I did, I just hadn't completed one question and she said I need to be consistent so I've got a detention". And showed me the work she had done. So the email doesn't fit with my DD's version.

OP posts:
TeenTitan007 · 02/02/2022 22:12

@echt - of course schools listen to parents that make noise! They may not agree but they do hear them out. All that OP needs is for them to notice that they've unfairly given her DD detention and be careful in the future. If it repeats she then has recourse to escalate.

When parents choose to stay silent ofcourse schools don't 'listen'. Try making noise and see where it gets you.

JustKeepSwimmingJust · 02/02/2022 22:12

What I can’t see is why a daughter of a key worker with a long rural journey to school deserves a worse punishment than a pupil with a sahp who lives in the same village as the school.

After school detentions punish the former much more than the latter.

Graphista · 02/02/2022 22:14

Op I didn't necessarily mean by you may be dd alone, but being quite honest I also wouldn't be surprised if the reality were by you/her dad too.

the teacher has seen the same thing I have

Exactly - if

You don't know at this point and you don't know if this was a last straw thing either

So it is a question of who is more likely to be truthful and her track record there isn't stellar is it?

this isn’t a good attitude to schoolwork. It’s disrespectful

It's a generally poor attitude to life. We all have to do stuff we don't like/aren't interested in.

I'd be questioning when she actually did the work - sounds like AFTER getting a detention to me. It wasn't me, I wasn't there, I didn't do/say that, etc etc is all std teenage BS when they're in trouble

Yep .

It is not disproportionate.

Agreed

I just have a different approach to parenting than you.

But your approach isn't working is it? Not totally

And if your attitude is ‘I don’t like that task and therefore I don’t need to do it and will just do what I want’ then that’s pretty poor.

Absolutely

@Pumperthepumper that's not what critical thinking is 

Most adults can tell the difference between vital tasks and pointless ones

They also know that even if they judge a task as pointless if it's part of their job and their employer is telling them to do it they better do it or risk getting sacked!

Good Lord!!

I’m not a tyrant parent desperate to punish my kids for breathing but I don’t think it does them any favours to make out they’re in the right always either.

Exactly it!

So, fear? Make them scared to fail?

Ffs utter tripe!

You appear to confuse fear with authority!

Too many parents these days are afraid themselves - to discipline, to act with authority

Too many are too keen to be friends with their kids rather than be their parents - cliche but often true

And the child didn't "fail" here you can't fail if you haven't even properly tried!

Op you've ignored or batted down almost all suggestions for consequences issued at home.

Homework doesn’t count against OPs daughters final grades though.

She's in GCSE years so it's possible they're at least component parts of coursework at times

If this had had happened then the homework would have been done.

Yep

@EarringsandLipstick my posting style runs to the long and detailed Grin not for everyone I know. I don't think my opinion of the op or even her daughter is unnecessarily harsh, I think she's allowing her and her daughters lives to be harder than they need be by not properly addressing this - whatever the cause.

a simple 'have you done your homework?' is enough, unless there are significant issues with the kid.

And I and many others think there is an issue here that needs to be addressed

There are 3 possible causes:

The dd just generally cba with school and needs motivated

The dd is genuinely struggling and needs support/restreaming

The dd thinks these subjects - that she chose - are now beneath her as she has changed her career goal

All 3 are in need of parental input

There's nothing to suggest that OP's discipline is in any way lax.

I beg to differ!

Op repeatedly ignores, dismisses or criticises the many suggestions for consequences that have been made.

This suggests to me and I believe the other pps who've made suggestions and yes been critical of
Ops approach to the situation that there is a reluctance to enact consequences.

This IS a difficult age and stage teens need as much input as any other age they do have a lot on their plate. But actually having clear expectations and boundaries, a good routine etc really helps!

I had a different problem with my dd (no teen is perfect!) in that she would push herself TOO hard and over commit and knacker herself!

I had to make sure she took breaks, didn't commit to doing something after school every weekday etc

She was ambitious but needed to learn to pace herself.

That's our job as parents, to really see how they're doing, help them achieve as best they can and learn how to manage the demands they have on them.

Dds bff at this time had her first serious boyfriend, her parents had to navigate that. She was fine at school and did her homework but she was spending every spare minute of her time with the boyfriend and when at home supposedly sleeping on the phone/messaging - it wasn't healthy. In her mind it was a Romeo and Juliet "us against the world" thing to her parents they could see it was too intense and physical energy wise she was heading for burnout.

It's such a tricky age to parent, but clear and consistent rules and management of their time and things that keep them healthy like enough sleep are so important.

ljs22 · 02/02/2022 22:14

@Menstrualcycledisplayteam

Brilliant. Child doesn't do homework, mother cannot be expected to supervise her. Child gets detention as a result of not doing homework, mother cannot be expected to go and collect her.

I'm not really sure why you had a kid, to be honest. It's clearly all a bit beyond you.

No wonder people are leaving teaching.

I personally think this thread is a bit beyond you, to be honest. Have you actually read any of my posts?

OP posts:
ljs22 · 02/02/2022 22:15

[quote TeenTitan007]@echt - of course schools listen to parents that make noise! They may not agree but they do hear them out. All that OP needs is for them to notice that they've unfairly given her DD detention and be careful in the future. If it repeats she then has recourse to escalate.

When parents choose to stay silent ofcourse schools don't 'listen'. Try making noise and see where it gets you.[/quote]

Well they listened today, so ...

OP posts:
echt · 02/02/2022 22:16

[quote TeenTitan007]@echt - of course schools listen to parents that make noise! They may not agree but they do hear them out. All that OP needs is for them to notice that they've unfairly given her DD detention and be careful in the future. If it repeats she then has recourse to escalate.

When parents choose to stay silent ofcourse schools don't 'listen'. Try making noise and see where it gets you.[/quote]
This what you said: Given the circumstance I'd make a lot of noise about her detention to her HOY. Perhaps the school take an 'easy' approach to detention and mete them out based on whoever ithey think is deserving rather than the facts at hand. If you make some noise /emails /meetings etc. they will think twice before handing out detention to her next time and might just shed some light on the policy as a whole for the school

This is calling for special treatment of the OP's child.

Florenz · 02/02/2022 22:17

Maybe they should do Saturday detentions like "the Breakfast Club".

ljs22 · 02/02/2022 22:19

Op repeatedly ignores, dismisses or criticises the many suggestions for consequences that have been made.

Which consequences have I ignored or criticised? @Graphista

OP posts:
SunshineArtist · 02/02/2022 22:19

You’re being pedantic OP. The homework was to complete all the questions. Did she do that? No. The punishment for not doing homework, all the questions, is a detention. She got a detention, the day didn’t suit so the school changed it. That’s still not good enough for you so you’re behaving immaturely. The school will expect that from some kids but to have to deal with it from parents is something they shouldn’t have to put up with. You should accept that she didn’t do what was asked of her, didn’t seek help, so she does the detention. My child’s school wouldn’t entertain this shit, if you don’t like the rules, find another school. You’ll soon find it’s a you problem rather than a school one though.

EarringsandLipstick · 02/02/2022 22:20

Ops approach to the situation that there is a reluctance to enact consequences.

I don't agree.

OP has been clear from the start that she supports sanctions but where they are merited and where her DD safety isn't compromised

I think that's fair.

Claretmum · 02/02/2022 22:20

So you moved further away from the school for your work...yet expect them to fit around your day? Wow.
Won't type the response from my HOY husband Hmm

UppermillSarah · 02/02/2022 22:22

This thread is so funny and the OP is totally entitled🤣. Kid does wrong, kid get punished. End of and I think your daughter's version of events isn't what happened.

EarringsandLipstick · 02/02/2022 22:22

You’re being pedantic OP. The homework was to complete all the questions. Did she do that? No. The punishment for not doing homework, all the questions, is a detention.

That's not what the email said originally.

The punishment wasn't given because one part was not completed.

Even if that was the case, it's a totally disproportionate consequence that will not motivate the student, and OP is correct to question it.

echt · 02/02/2022 22:22

I personally think this thread is a bit beyond you, to be honest. Have you actually read any of my posts?

Well I have.

By easy stages you have moved from the impact on your time being the primary concern/your child is a pain/picks and chooses what HW she does/ you can't make her work/oversee it to concern about her safety being the main issue to legitimacy of the detention.

No wonder *Menstrualcycledisplay team reached the conclusion she did.

Graphista · 02/02/2022 22:23

Which consequences have I ignored or criticised? @Graphista**

The only one you've commented on far as I could see (and I think I've read all of your posts)

Is a suggestion to take some of her allowance to cover petrol costs

All the others have been either COMPLETELY ignored or treated with disdain

Result is you come across as a parent very reluctant to enact consequences at home. Ever.

It is not the schools job to teach your daughter how to behave that's the parents job.

ljs22 · 02/02/2022 22:23

But your approach isn't working is it? Not totally

Define "working"? My DD is a happy, well rounded, caring, sociable individual who has a dislike of some school subjects and enjoys others. She occasionally doesn't do her homework. Other than that, she's smart and bright and she's got a very sensible head on her young shoulders.

My approach to parenting has achieved that, so far - 9 years of it as a solo parent. I'm proud of her and I'm proud of me for those reasons.

OP posts:
Hyly68 · 02/02/2022 22:23

@Graphista

Op I didn't necessarily mean by you may be dd alone, but being quite honest I also wouldn't be surprised if the reality were by you/her dad too.

the teacher has seen the same thing I have

Exactly - if

You don't know at this point and you don't know if this was a last straw thing either

So it is a question of who is more likely to be truthful and her track record there isn't stellar is it?

this isn’t a good attitude to schoolwork. It’s disrespectful

It's a generally poor attitude to life. We all have to do stuff we don't like/aren't interested in.

I'd be questioning when she actually did the work - sounds like AFTER getting a detention to me. It wasn't me, I wasn't there, I didn't do/say that, etc etc is all std teenage BS when they're in trouble

Yep .

It is not disproportionate.

Agreed

I just have a different approach to parenting than you.

But your approach isn't working is it? Not totally

And if your attitude is ‘I don’t like that task and therefore I don’t need to do it and will just do what I want’ then that’s pretty poor.

Absolutely

@Pumperthepumper that's not what critical thinking is 

Most adults can tell the difference between vital tasks and pointless ones

They also know that even if they judge a task as pointless if it's part of their job and their employer is telling them to do it they better do it or risk getting sacked!

Good Lord!!

I’m not a tyrant parent desperate to punish my kids for breathing but I don’t think it does them any favours to make out they’re in the right always either.

Exactly it!

So, fear? Make them scared to fail?

Ffs utter tripe!

You appear to confuse fear with authority!

Too many parents these days are afraid themselves - to discipline, to act with authority

Too many are too keen to be friends with their kids rather than be their parents - cliche but often true

And the child didn't "fail" here you can't fail if you haven't even properly tried!

Op you've ignored or batted down almost all suggestions for consequences issued at home.

Homework doesn’t count against OPs daughters final grades though.

She's in GCSE years so it's possible they're at least component parts of coursework at times

If this had had happened then the homework would have been done.

Yep

@EarringsandLipstick my posting style runs to the long and detailed Grin not for everyone I know. I don't think my opinion of the op or even her daughter is unnecessarily harsh, I think she's allowing her and her daughters lives to be harder than they need be by not properly addressing this - whatever the cause.

a simple 'have you done your homework?' is enough, unless there are significant issues with the kid.

And I and many others think there is an issue here that needs to be addressed

There are 3 possible causes:

The dd just generally cba with school and needs motivated

The dd is genuinely struggling and needs support/restreaming

The dd thinks these subjects - that she chose - are now beneath her as she has changed her career goal

All 3 are in need of parental input

There's nothing to suggest that OP's discipline is in any way lax.

I beg to differ!

Op repeatedly ignores, dismisses or criticises the many suggestions for consequences that have been made.

This suggests to me and I believe the other pps who've made suggestions and yes been critical of
Ops approach to the situation that there is a reluctance to enact consequences.

This IS a difficult age and stage teens need as much input as any other age they do have a lot on their plate. But actually having clear expectations and boundaries, a good routine etc really helps!

I had a different problem with my dd (no teen is perfect!) in that she would push herself TOO hard and over commit and knacker herself!

I had to make sure she took breaks, didn't commit to doing something after school every weekday etc

She was ambitious but needed to learn to pace herself.

That's our job as parents, to really see how they're doing, help them achieve as best they can and learn how to manage the demands they have on them.

Dds bff at this time had her first serious boyfriend, her parents had to navigate that. She was fine at school and did her homework but she was spending every spare minute of her time with the boyfriend and when at home supposedly sleeping on the phone/messaging - it wasn't healthy. In her mind it was a Romeo and Juliet "us against the world" thing to her parents they could see it was too intense and physical energy wise she was heading for burnout.

It's such a tricky age to parent, but clear and consistent rules and management of their time and things that keep them healthy like enough sleep are so important.

She hasn’t ignored suggestions, she’s said they don’t work for her. She emailed the school and the detention was re-arranged for the following week when her partner was able to collect her daughter.
ljs22 · 02/02/2022 22:25

@Graphista

Which consequences have I ignored or criticised? @Graphista**

The only one you've commented on far as I could see (and I think I've read all of your posts)

Is a suggestion to take some of her allowance to cover petrol costs

All the others have been either COMPLETELY ignored or treated with disdain

Result is you come across as a parent very reluctant to enact consequences at home. Ever.

It is not the schools job to teach your daughter how to behave that's the parents job.

Specifically which comments have I ignored? You do know it's quite a long thread with many comments, right? Have you considered the possibility that I simply haven't got the time or energy to respond to every single thing posted, so I've prioritised my responses?

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 02/02/2022 22:26

@Claretmum

So you moved further away from the school for your work...yet expect them to fit around your day? Wow. Won't type the response from my HOY husband Hmm
Oh, please, please do!
ljs22 · 02/02/2022 22:26

@EarringsandLipstick

You’re being pedantic OP. The homework was to complete all the questions. Did she do that? No. The punishment for not doing homework, all the questions, is a detention.

That's not what the email said originally.

The punishment wasn't given because one part was not completed.

Even if that was the case, it's a totally disproportionate consequence that will not motivate the student, and OP is correct to question it.

Thank you. I feel like I'm losing my mind with some of these responses!

OP posts:
maddy68 · 02/02/2022 22:26

Why should the teachers not have a break at lunchtime?

The detentions are meant to cause as much inconvenience to the child as possible otherwise the ta not a deterrent. Instead you could insist that they behaved in school

SunshineArtist · 02/02/2022 22:28

She occasionally doesn't do her homework.

Then she’ll occasionally get a detention. Even if it’s just for not doing one question.

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