@Staryflight445 the grounding would not be for one incident it would be for the repeated nature of the issue and the lying also.
I have a great relationship with my now adult daughter, and she did very well at school and is now at a good uni.
I never had to implement a months grounding as I raised dd to value education and make an effort.
She was no Angel, the teen years can be tough but as per the pp on clarity my boundaries were very clear and she knew what she could and couldn't get away with and rarely pushed the boundaries very far.
But that doesn't happen overnight.
You start when they're younger being clear what is and isn't acceptable behaviour from your child.
A friend she made in mid - late teens commented once that I never seemed to say no. Dds response was that I rarely needed to!
Because by that point she KNEW the boundaries and KNEW it wasn't worth the consequences if she completely broke them!
This same friend once tried to get dd to stay out past curfew and go somewhere I had banned as unsafe. Dds other friends were there and not only were they not up for going they were very clear with the new friend that dd genuinely had a mum who had very clear boundaries!
"You don't know Graphista! Dd really would be grounded for breaking curfew and if she went to x that'd be an extra grounding too and if she lied and Graphista found out that would be a grounding too"
I was a single mum dealing with a lot too, you don't have the sole preserve there! Many parents have a lot on their plates, caring duties, responsible jobs just as you do etc that's why you need to keep on top of things
If you keep bailing them out of their mistakes, they keep thinking this will always happen. She has to learn. The OP has to put her foot down ,imo.
Totally agree!
The irony is that when your children don't meet their target gcse grades it will be our fault for not pushing them more, we can't win!
So true!
I've said on more than one occasion, that I'd agree entirely and support the detention had she not bothered to do her work at all
Surely this makes it even more likely that either -
She didn't do the work and is trying to make it appear as if she did some of it at least
Or
That the school are getting pretty fed up with you and her dad not handling this so it doesn't keep happening
Or both!
Secondly, please do not tell me to "step up and do the parenting". I do. I try my best. Parenting teens is bloody hard - news flash: they don't always do what you tell or ask them to!
But several of your OWN comments patently show that you're not doing all you could here
Yes parenting teens is hard - it's a lot harder if there aren't clear boundaries and consequences
You're not helping yourself as a parent if you continually bail her out of trouble. It may seem easier in the moment but long term it makes things MORE difficult.
Do you have any helpful tips on how to get them to actually do the things you tell them they need to? I'd love to hear them.
Several of us have done so yet you haven't responded to any of those posts.
Kids need clear and consistent boundaries, not only for disciplinary reasons it makes them feel more secure too.
My dd had one friend who basically as soon as she hit high school age was allowed to do and go wherever she wanted and she got herself in some pretty sticky situations! They need that support.
I think a lot of parents need to consider how many times teachers have given warnings without any consequences. I wouldn't give out a detention on the first time of anything.
Yea I find it very hard to believe this detention was purely for 1 missed answer.
My sister used to try this one and got away with it more than she should have! "But this was the first time that ever happened..." "but I only did x"
Schools need to get with the times and change their consequences that do not inflict even more negativity/ compromise students safety
Do you have ANY idea how few consequences schools and teachers are now allowed to use? They're hamstrung to ridiculous extremes!
I'm old enough that capital punishment was banned just before I hit high school and absolutely things used to be hellish but they have gone way way too far the other way! They're not even allowed to speak sternly to kids now it's beyond ridiculous!!
If anyone wonders why there's a lack of teachers in the UK - just read this thread.
Oh absolutely!
I have friends and relatives that teach and it's insane what parents expect and what they won't bother doing themselves now!
I saw it headed this way when dd at school and even when certain people I knew first qualified approx 20 years ago.
Now it's just bloody stupid!
Parents need to take some responsibility and actually parent!
As for "don't get it" I live rurally too. Again if anything this is MORE reason for the daughter to behave not less.
And still, no response from the op about a taxi....
and very very minimal comments on consequences at home which I find very telling
I think the punishment should be given to fit the level of the 'crime'.
The problem is 2 fold
1 we don't know the truth here if it was just one question I'm doubtful with several others given the stated history
2 there's very few consequences schools are allowed to use now
Oh this is a gem. Please do elaborate.
Do you seriously not understand that post? Or appreciate why it was made?
All through the thread it has been clear from your posts that your daughter is repeatedly unreliable at best when it comes to homework.
Instead of acknowledging that properly and fully, accepting that there is a parenting issue that needs to be addressed you've clutched at straws as to why the consequence was unreasonable and unacceptable.
Stop making excuses and address the actual issue
Whether that be a disciplinary one or if it's that your daughter is genuinely struggling with those subjects that is for you as parents to handle.
You've admitted she's lied about doing her work in the past on more than one occasion yet at least initially you blindly believed her on this without any proof or even further discussion with the school.
@exLtEveDallas spot on. When kids know and understand the clear boundaries and that the consequences will directly affect them they rarely push their luck!
having seen her attempt to compete the homework I was informed she didn't do
Which you've only seen AFTER the school contacted you, you don't yet know for certain if that's what was actually presented to the teacher.
Given dds history on such matters you'd be foolish to blindly believe
What my DD has or hasn't done in the past is irrelevant
No it's not!
The best indicator of future behaviour is past actions
She never asked anyone for help either. But I suspect that's not for any reason other than she either hurriedly tried to do it before the class took place or has been doing it after the teacher saw it wasn't done to try and get you onside, couldn't answer the question and now can't ask the teacher as it'll show her dishonesty!
Taxis would be expensive, and I already pay £60 a month for a coach.
Then as you've said she gets an allowance - the cost of the taxi is removed from her allowance, if the cost exceeds her weekly allowance then no allowance for however long it takes to repay!
nobody every got better at something because they were punished.
Of course they do! If the reason they're bad at it is lack of effort!
A) As far as I know, yes. I'm sure I'd have been contacted before now if there were any other issues with her work in this particular subject. She hasn't had any detentions recently either.
this contradicts earlier comments by you to a degree. It may be the first time in this subject but it's not the first time
B) yes - she took it to todays lesson as asked. have you only dds word for this at this point?
C) yes - I've seen it. Not before it was due to be handed in you didn't
D) no. This is where she could have done something different, I agree.
A glimmer of hope!
I think she's given up on certain subjects. But that's by the by in this particular instance as she actually gave it a good go! (And it's even one of the subjects she claims to have gone off)
More contradiction
Op just seems VERY reluctant to accept
1 dd at fault here
2 that there has to be consequences for the lack of effort from dd generally
3 that it's for op and the child's father to correct this behaviour
Nobody likes being the "bad guy" when kids mess up, it feels rotten! And certain consequences are a pain in the arse to implement too but it's sometimes necessary and in this case I think it is.
Your daughter is at an important stage in her education and is switching off. The reasons need to be investigated and addressed. But you do need to be clear with her that simply not bothering to do the work is not an acceptable option.
Whatever her career goals she will need decent passes at GCSE level to even stand a chance of a decent job or further or higher education.
You used to be able to easily access doing so after school, that's no longer the case or certainly not as easily as it used to be.
You and her dad are clearly grafters, you've got decent responsible jobs - you didn't get them handed to you did you?
Of course not!
And it's a lot harder now!
Does she have a part time job at all? Responsibility for chores at home?