50th birthday - reasonable expectations?

[MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler]

is it reasonable to expect friends / family to spend £280 on a weekend away for a 50th birthday? no children invited, so an expectation to find childcare on top (if you have them).

would you go or not?

I went away for a weekend to an apartment with three school friends to celebrate our joint 50ths. I would not have asked them to come away just for mine.
I had a party, but paid for almost everything - venue, food, welcome drink, and 2 bottles of wine per table (so a bottle between four). People bought additional drinks they wanted beyond that.
I think that's a lot to ask other people to pay for your celebration.
What about just asking if they fancy a weekend away together anyway?

Me either to be fair phishy.

@HootOwl this is not a reverse so no need for the eye roll. It’s a straightforward question posed without any indication of who the OP might be in the scenario.

[quote MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler]@HootOwl not sure what the eye roll is for: I did not specify who I was in the scenario in the OP because I wanted clear opinions as to what was reasonable. I believe that's exactly what this board is for.[/quote]
Well it seemed like it because I thought you were asking for advice for what is reasonable for an invitation. Which seemed to imply you were considering issuing an invitation. 🤷🏻‍♀️ If you'd been asking whether you should go to something you were invited to then this was a very unnatural way to phrase the question. And surely you'd have included some personal information about the particular friendship, your financial position etc, otherwise nobody can really give you a meaningful opinion!

When childcare has to be arranged hugely unreasonable and I wouldn't have entertained it.

As a few others have said, I guess it will depend on your social circle, your budget, and what has become 'usual' for the people you mingle with, but it would be a "no" from me too.

Well, if you don't want to go then just say no, but nicely. There is no need to piously remind your friend that not everyone can afford such a trip, oh and that decent people don't spend weekends away from their darling children just for a party...
If this is a relatively new friend then they might have dithered over inviting you - not because they think you're a povvo but because they wondered if you would be hurt if you didn't get an invite anyway. Unless the potential host is putting pressure on you to attend then it's really not a big deal, just say thanks but no thanks.

I would and have spent more than that for close friends.

No from me.

I could not afford to go. That is over half my budget for accommodation for a family holiday.

I would prefer to put the money towards a holiday with my teens that we could enjoy together.

I've done that for some 40th birthdays.it's an invite, you you or your don't, no one is forcing anyone . An excuse to holiday and kill two birds

Agree these threads are wierd. I appreciate it's too much for some. But some of the responses are wierd. We all spend our money differently. I go abroad every year with 3 close friends for a long weekend to a European capital, and have done for 10 years, so this sort of money sounds fine.

You’re entitled to turn fifty.
If you’re lucky.

That’s all you’re entitled to.

go abroad every year with 3 close friends for a long weekend to a European capital, and have done for 10 years, so this sort of money sounds fine

I assume you choose the destination together oblomov22 organise a good date that suits everyone attending -consider the logistics together to ensure it all works and most of all set a budget!

None of these things are possible if it is arranged for someone's birthday and you have simply been 'invited' rather than consulted. The 50th birthday kind of weekend always becomes so expensive once you have factored in the other costs as well such as presents, cards, petrol money, any new outfits, the inevitable bottles of champagne all weekend etc etc. It is not simply the cost of the trip and childcare for the weekend is it! That is just the beginning in my experience

Going abroad on holiday is different to forking out for a celebration for someone else's birthday, christening, hen do, stag do, those sex of child things, when does it end. You have all agreed to go away together and discussed it and its a mutually beneficial holiday.

No

@Wreath21

Well, if you don't want to go then just say no, but nicely. There is no need to piously remind your friend that not everyone can afford such a trip, oh and that decent people don't spend weekends away from their darling children just for a party... If this is a relatively new friend then they might have dithered over inviting you - not because they think you're a povvo but because they wondered if you would be hurt if you didn't get an invite anyway. Unless the potential host is putting pressure on you to attend then it's really not a big deal, just say thanks but no thanks.

This. Like with weddings, people often invite people they expect to say no, because it's nice for that person to feel that they were wanted even if - for various reasons - it was obvious that they wouldn't be able to come. It sounds like your friend was trying to be kind and show you that despite the friendship being relatively new, they value it and you and that you were welcome to be there if you wanted to and could.

Surely you'd have felt worse if they'd have told you about it afterwards or you'd just seen posts about/ photos of it? I think your friend was being kind and polite. An invitation isn't a summons or an expectation so is really nothing to be cross or offended by. If you can't/ don't wish to go, just decline. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don't understand why it is such a big deal.

Even the title of the thread, "reasonable expectations", shows you've totally misunderstood what an invitation is. It isn't an expectation whatsoever. It's a gesture stating that somebody would like to include you if you want to go, can afford to go, it is convenient for you, etc! There is no "expectation" involved in being sent an invitation.

@HootOwl

Even the title of the thread, "reasonable expectations", shows you've totally misunderstood what an invitation is. It isn't an expectation whatsoever. It's a gesture stating that somebody would like to include you if you want to go, can afford to go, it is convenient for you, etc! There is no "expectation" involved in being sent an invitation.

Not sure why you’ve got such an issue with me. As others have rightly said, all I did was set out a scenario and ask for opinions.

I purposefully did not include more information as I do not want to be identified on a public forum with thousands of readers .

Unfortunately this particular invitation did come with expectations hence the rather snotty reply I’ve received to my extremely polite note thanking them yet declining the offer. Ah well, at least my decision has been ratified.

Well quite op. Anyone that thinks an invitation is just that, and free of expectations clearly have never been put in your position op!

I think you are now justified to save your money for something you would like to do, and not waste it on someone else's frivolous event - clearly she is getting lots of cancellations and is unhappy about you declining as well she should. If she wants to organise a lavish 50th with a weekend away she should pay for her guests - and not expect them to bankroll her big ideas. Totally U to get others to stump up for her Kardashian extravaganza.

Oooookaaaay.

Explaining roughly how long you'd known the person, whether you were close friends, roughly what proportion of your disposable income per month the cost of going would have been is hardly information that would have made it possible for anyone to identify you. 😂

As for getting a "snotty" response to your declination, what exactly did you write when you declined? That doesn't seem like a normal reaction for a friend to have if you had declined politely.

hoot Some friends take it VERY personally when you turn down milestone birthday invites, I don't know why you are struggling to understand that some people will find it hurtful to not have friends there and will judge them and the friendship accordingly. It can impact the friendship. You make it sound like there are no consequences to declining, when in fact there can be big ramifications.

It depends. I probably would

I would and have joined in with this kind of thing both pre and post DC. Although it did tend to be a few of us going away for a group birthday, rather than just one person inviting and picking the venue. So we’d all get a say in when and where we would meet up. But it’s also only been one night away post children.

I think for me it would depend where/what the weekend entailed and what the extras entailed - I’m guessing the £280 is just the accommodation? Plus I would rather only do one night still.

I’m at an age where I much prefer to be able to go home after an evening/day out now and not stay over anywhere too - especially if it’s sharing a rented house and sharing bedrooms. I’m just not up for doing that anymore.

Expecting is a no no. I'd spend that for a good friend to do something really fun.