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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to let nanny go

226 replies

Nikster1986 · 02/02/2022 11:16

We were due to have a new nanny start this morning, to look after my youngest. She texted half hour before she was due to be here to say her mum was taking her dog to the vet today. So she (the nanny) couldn't come in because she had to take care of her brother who wasn't in school at the moment because his grandpa died last week.
I sympathise that things can converge and create a bit of a sh*t storm all at once. It sounds like that's the case here. But, why can't the son go to the vets with the mum? Why does the vets take all day? She hasn't offered a solution just said that was the case. She didn't even ask are we OK if she doesn't come, just stated it as fact.
Last night I was out for dinner and it turns out she also works nights at a restaurant and I do wonder if she is just plain tired and doesn't want to spend the day with an energetic 1 year old.
We need a reliable nanny; my husband works away so I need the support as my eldest has some additional development challenges.
So would IBU to find someone else. I've just started back to work so I'm only working 2 days and have the time to find someone. But I won't really once I'm back full time. I feel like I should cut our losses straight away. Appreciate thoughts

OP posts:
DetectiveFlorence · 02/02/2022 13:53

If this is a reason for her not coming in , then definitely withdraw the offer. Loads of things you could say, but at the end of the day she obviously doesn't understand that you can't let people down for this kind of reason.

For me it would be " sorry to hear this, you seem to have a lot of competing priorities at the moment so unfortunately we will need to look to another candidate, good luck in the future"

No Nanny worth her salt would do this on the first day, let alone 6 months in . She obviously isn't ready to treat this kind of job role seriously .

Hesma · 02/02/2022 13:54

I’d let her go

amusedbush · 02/02/2022 13:55

Things happen and I've seen lots of posts on MN by people missing the first day of a new job due to untimely illness, their car breaking down, transport cancelled due to extreme weather, etc.

However, a text(!) half an hour before she starts is bullshit. Not to mention that her (clearly fake) rambling excuse doesn't even make sense in terms of missing a whole day of work. From your description of her I thought you were going to say she was 19, not 25! Cut your losses now, she is unreliable.

Original poster
Nikster1986 · 02/02/2022 13:57

Wow lots of responses!

So a broad response to cover most of the comments:

We used a really reputable agency who have been very profuse in their apologies. And have been in touch with some of our other choices already, to find us someone else.

But the woman who got the job did so because she is experienced. In particular she has lots of experience with children that have additional needs. She has makaton and BSL qualifications- my eldest is non verbal so that's really important for us. And she connected with the boys so well that it was a no brainer at the time.

But, we had 200 applications for the role. In part because the average local salary for the hours we need is £21k. We offer more because we do not want a destitute nanny. That's not right. Plus, we think it's a pretty challenging role that warrants additional pay. Plus bonuses and we provide food (seems silly for a nanny to eat with the kids but have something different 3 times a day). So it was attractive to lots of local childcare providers and we'll find another nanny no problem.

I would give her the benefit of the doubt on her excuse. Its almost too ridiculous to make up. The issue really is the way she handled it. A 3 line text to say I'm prioritising something else isn't OK. Obviously your job shouldn't be the only thing in your life. But, there is a certain level of etiquette that everyone follows when it comes to work and she didn't at all. We can't always worry she won't turn up because something else takes precedence.

OP posts:
Whatwhywhenwhere · 02/02/2022 13:58

I wouldn’t dump her just yet…

JustLyra · 02/02/2022 14:01

Tbh if nothing else it shows that she's not very bright - there's a pandemic going on. Symptoms and a couple of days for a PCR would have been far more believable and one of those "that's fucking annoying, but there's nothing you can do" moments.

RedToothBrush · 02/02/2022 14:02

@JustLyra

Tbh if nothing else it shows that she's not very bright - there's a pandemic going on. Symptoms and a couple of days for a PCR would have been far more believable and one of those "that's fucking annoying, but there's nothing you can do" moments.
Quite.

If you are going to make your excuses on your first day, at least have one which you can sympathise with!

Berthatydfil · 02/02/2022 14:05

I can imagine that the income of nannies may have taken a hit over the lockdown as parents wfm may have been able to juggle childcare / homeschooling /school runs when they couldn’t previously. Also factoring in the risk of live out nanny passing on infections and also with the financial hit I can imagine it would have been tempting to let nannies go. So I can understand her taking on some alternative employment - however working parents need consistent reliable childcare and this doesn’t seem to be that.
A text with a flakey excuse on the first day is not a good sign and I definitely think you would not be unreasonable to cut her loose.

mumda · 02/02/2022 14:19

Are we even allowed in vets yet?
Maybe the vets don't allow people in with the animals, or only one. Or the pet is being put to sleep and they don't want to inflict that on the child.

I don't know. But it's not your problem, yet it has become.

theDudesmummy · 02/02/2022 14:22

It's a pity that when she has the qualifications and qualities (BSL, Makaton etc) you need, she also has the lack of professionalism that means it is not going to work. But it really won't.

I had a similar thing which I let go on too long. Years ago when my autistic son was on an ABA proramme (specialist tutors in the house all day every day) we had a wonderful tutor, very qualified, all the right paperwork, friendly, good at the job, my son loved her and did well in sessions with her. We even took her on holiday with us.

But she had a family drama every few weeks at least. Her dad couldn't pay his phone bill because he had been robbed, could we advance her some money. She couldn't come today because her mum had a problem with her car and had to go to the doctor. She had to leave early or arrive late because her cousin or auntie or nan had some issue she had to sort out for them. We kept thinking that it would not continue but it always did. We eventually let her go.

FelicisNox · 02/02/2022 14:25

YANBU.

I'm all for being reasonable but as you say, she didn't look for a solution or check your own arrangements.

Trust your instincts and look for a new nanny.

Her attitude smacks of entitlement.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/02/2022 14:25

Grandparents die all the time and you just have to get on with things

Sometimes more often than you'd think
I had a very forgetful employee who'd "lose a grandparent" on a regular basis when she didn't want to do something - I think the count was up to about 9 when I got rid of her

Okay, blended families and all that, but NINE??

GirlMama1 · 02/02/2022 14:26

The job obviously doesn't mean that much to her. It sounds like she just came up with some random excuses not to show up and probably thinks you desperately need someone and won't look elsewhere. YANBU find someone reliable. If you can't count on someone on their first day then it's not a good sign for the future! Best of luck!

alorslanon · 02/02/2022 14:30

Now that you've said she has BSL and Makaton qualifications, I'd put money on her little brother having significant additional needs, which is why she learnt to sign in the first place, and why he couldn't rock up to the vet's with his mum. Having said that, I wouldn't give her another chance. If it's a lie, it's a lie. And if it's true, she's obviously got a lot going on at home, and that's a shame for her, but you REALLY don't need that to be your problem.

unstitching · 02/02/2022 14:33

Wow, nope YANBU. Start afresh and if you find the right person consider paying for any additional training if it works for you?

Xiaoxiong · 02/02/2022 14:43

@theDudesmummy I have had a succession of dog walkers like that. Every week or so a 5000 word text about the latest woes to befall her/her family/her neighbours - we have had everything from a dog chewed up her sofa so she had to go get another one, car dies regularly, often in a panic about something that seems tiny to me but is a massive deal to her. I had to find new dog walkers twice as they were so unreliable. With our current one she is absolutely lovely when she turns up but it wasn't for the fact that I now mostly WFH and can easily cover her when needed, I would have had to let her go too.

It is usually helping other people out too, or small disasters which I would just shrug off but is something so big to them that they can't come to work. I think it must be an outlook on life thing? Maybe people pleasing? Lack of resilience? (I give a raise each year as I thought she maybe needed more money to give a bit of a cushion to not worry about these things so much.)

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 02/02/2022 14:53

say your budgie died and you needed to sit onit's eggs for the day before taking your husbandto the zoo after his shoes got lost so you're sorrybut she's no longer needed.
I love this @BlippiPoops (though not the video of your name, no, never ever watch the video!).

Yeah, there'll be an auntie with mastitis, a tree that fell over and a cat that drank antifreeze by Friday. Just bin vs the agency and get the next interviews underway, or pick candidate #2.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 02/02/2022 15:01

Get rid of her, she will continuously let you down

Orchid876 · 02/02/2022 15:02

I agree YANBU and that you should find someone else. You’re right it’s an excuse that overall doesn’t make sense. Why can’t her brother go with her mum to the vets? Why can’t her mum find alternative childcare? The nanny’s DM’s childcare issues are not your problem. It would be different if it was the nanny’s own childcare that had fallen through, but it’s not, your essentially being asked to accomodate your nanny’s time off so she can do her mum a favour. And yes, why DOES the vet appointment take all day? It all sounds a bit off, like she’s looking for any old excuse to miss work. If she really did have no alternative other than to look after her brother, she should be ringing to apologise. I suspect she doesn’t want to get into a conversation about it because her excuse doesn’t really make sense. If you kept her, this definitely wouldn’t be the only instance of unreliability. You do need a different, more reliable nanny.

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/02/2022 15:02

Over 200 and she was the only one or did you have a no 2 you liked

You say salary is over the odds due to sn kids

Tho seems a little low to me for 4 days / I earnt over £20k for 3 days

Tho obv depends on area and hours

What is the gross wage

Plus in over 20yrs of nannying ive always had the choice of 3 meals at work and snacks

So offering food isn't that unusual

Is it worth contacting the nanny to say are you interested

Tho a text on day one is a bit unprofessional

Giraffesandbottoms · 02/02/2022 15:06

I just think that on your first day of work, if you really can’t make it, you could at least pick up the phone. A text is so apathetic and disrespectful in these circumstances.

theDudesmummy · 02/02/2022 15:06

@Xiaoxiong yes it was the fact that it was always her (ostensibly) having to be nice to other people, rather than having to do anything for herself, that makes you pause and not wnat to "be mean to her". I thinknow maybe that is by design, it is very hard to be harsh with someone who is helping out their poor sick nana who needs to go to hospital (always with a detailed story attached as to why Uncle Tom can't do it bcause he is out of work and spent all his benefits on the diabetic cat, and Auntie Lu's car has died because her disabled son tried to fix it and made a mistake etc etc). I am not trying to make fun of people who have troubles, I have had my fair share, some of which have impacted my ability to prioritise work at times, but there is a type of person seemes to be always in these elaborate crises, and you cannot be relying on them, however nice they may be. I could potentially be friends with such a person (with boundaries) but if you are employing them and expect to rely on them, just dont. The OP made the right deciesion.

BlowDryRat · 02/02/2022 15:08

YANBU. It's a job, not a hobby.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/02/2022 15:14

Absolutely move on
This is not what you need.
You need to be be clear that unless a nanny is sick-sick they have to come in. If they are feeling off colour they can lie on the sofa and stick the kids in front of the telly

alexdgr8 · 02/02/2022 15:19

she's probably got an interview for a more lucrative position.