To wonder why people ever go on to have more children ?

[rainbowbaby2]

After going through childbirth? I had a pretty straight forward water birth but I am so traumatised by it all, I feel like I would be terrified to ever have more children. Did anyone else feel like this after giving birth? If so, did you go on to have more?

My one experience of childbirth was totally positive (elective c/s), and I would have absolutely loved to have had another. I was too old though.

I had one hard and traumatic birth followed by one easy, fun one. Having a bad experience doesn’t mean the same will happen again. Also in time the memory of the pain should fade- if it doesn’t, maybe consider seeing a counsellor.

But the choice to have more children is totally personal. Nothing wrong with saying that you’re done at one. There are pros and cons to every course of action.

You always forget how it was

Some people don't find childbirth traumatising I guess.

I had a long pushing stage which resulted in forceps and a third degree tear with no epidural and when I tell people o found childbirth a positive experience they look at me like I was crazy. But I did truly enjoy it? Don't get me wrong it, was intense and harder than I'd ever expected but I didn't find it that bad despite the injuries. It wasn't the labour I expected or wanted and I do genuinely wonder why I have such a positive experience of it? Just having a baby at the end of it obviously was amazing but... yeah. Just enjoyed the whole thing.

Pregnant with my second now and not worried about labour at all & hope I can maintain the same mindset this time around!

I didn't find giving birth traumatizing. My second weighed 10lbs and I had no pain relief at all. It didn't stop me from having a third.

@AuntTwacky

You always forget how it was

No you don't always forget. Plenty of women walking around with PTSD from childbirth. Let's not be dismissive of their experience

No you don't always forget. Plenty of women walking around with PTSD from childbirth. Let's not be dismissive of their experience

I agree. There’s been a few dismissive comments on this thread.

I have never forgot, I doubt I ever will. It’s affected my life and changed who I am as a person. I don’t think of it as often as I did as it’s been many years since I had my children but when I do think of it, I’m right back there.

Right after dc 1 was born, I turned to dh, who was likely more traumatised than me at that point, and said I would have another. Mostly saying it out loud to convince myself that by the time I was ready to give birth to #2, I would be ready....

Btw, had a second degree tear with dc1 that took over a year to heal. I dreaded going to the loo. Really only started to heal after I stopped breastfeeding.

Dc2, third degree tear healed quicker!

I have had 3 emergency sections. They were all great so I don’t really remember much. Sorry you had a bad experience

There's two parts to a birth I think - what happens and how you feel about it. Obviously those things are linked but not entirely.

My first birth was traumatic but I wasnt traumatised. I think this was largely down to luck and hormones (other people get baby blues, I get euphoria). So going for a second wasnt psychologically difficult for me (and the second birth went much better anyway despite a big baby).

The thing is, you feel how you feel - physically and mentally. It's fine to take time to heal and come to terms with that. Post birth debriefing can be helpful (this was one thing that definitely helped me make sense of what had happened and why which gave me back a sense of control (which I patently didnt have at the time). It may be you need more help than that to come to terms with things. It may be that you decide you really dont want any more children because of your experience- I know women who have decided that for that reason. Or that any future children will be born at a prearranged time by csection.

Basically your feelings are valid (God I hate that phrase but in this instance they really are). You dont need to justify them on some universal scale of birth trauma because this is how it was for you. And you get to decide what happens next.

Mine was over 9lbs (I'm 7 1/2 stone) and no way would I go through that again.

I remember being more traumatised about doing it again, when I was actually in Labour.

The second time (precipitous birth) I thought 'Why the fuck have I done this again, I forgot how horrific it is and I will NEVER go through this again' then the room turned green, then blue, then purple and out plopped DS2 on the bed. Then it happened again in my third birth, I was in the pool and the CD started skipping so I told exH to turn it off. it wasn't skipping at all, the pain was once again altering my perception. I again said to myself 'Oh god, this is abhorrent, I will probably die, nobody can withstand this level of pain if I live I promise you God, I will never do this again' (I am an atheist, so why I talked to my non-existent God I will never know) then DD plopped into the bottom of the pool. I think its transition, it does funny things to you. It is awful! I got sterilized 12 weeks after DD.

I was lucky enough to have a quick and easy labour - 10 hours from the very first mild lot of contractions, then only about 20 mins of pushing (and a second degree tear). First baby. I would give birth again no problems but I really don’t think I can face another pregnancy (awful sickness, exhaustion, SPD). My baby is only 4 weeks old so I may change my mind but at the moment I can’t see putting myself through it again!

I was scared of child birth all my life. And the one with DD1 was the hell I expected (3 day labour, emergency theatre, instruments, grade 3 tear, prolapse). When I got pregnant with DD2 I was put under a Consultants care. I went in ready to demand a section but was offered one before I even opened my mouth, based on the first birth. My section was a lovely experience. I could never go through it again.

The children get to about 18 months and you really don’t want them to be only children more than the fear of childbirth. You do it for them

Lovely comment there for the increasing numbers of us who do have just the one child by choice. I guess we’re all selfish and not adequately considering our children’s needs. Especially since I had an ELCS so don’t even have the ‘excuse’ of a traumatic birth to fall back on - doubly selfish I guess.

OP I’m sorry you had such a difficult time. Based on the experiences of friends and family it does seem that memories of a traumatic pregnancy and birth fade over time, to the extent that many of my friends with ‘bad’ births and scary conditions like placenta praevia have gone on to have another. Generally I don’t think they could explain it in a rational way; they know that the painful/frightening experience happened and could happen again, but hormones/biology kicked in and they had a strong urge for another child.

Interestingly it seems to be more the experience of the baby stage, sleep deprivation, toddler tantrums etc that has put some women in my circle off having a second, rather than the more primal stuff around pregnancy and birth - except for severe morning sickness/HG which definitely lingers in the minds of a few mums I know!

I certainly wouldn’t minimise the experiences of those women who can’t forget, or who are left with PTSD after birth. They exist, and their experiences are valid. With most things, the rational response to an exceptionally painful and traumatic experience would be not to voluntarily put yourself in that position again - but our bodies aren’t rational actors, otherwise the birth rate would be falling even more than it already is!

Dc1 was a long exceedingly painful labour (over 70 hours of contractions in my back and thighs), failed forceps and an emcs. He went to NICU and I ended up with postpartum psychosis.

When he was 2, the psychiatrist I was seeing asked what would bother me more in 10 years time, the regret of not trying for another versus the potential for more trauma but another child.

I had the second. It wasn't easy and to be honest, I still have nightmares about dc1's arrival and my subsequent descent into madness but for me at least, having dc2 was the right decision.

Kids don't need siblings to grow up happy and well adjusted. I have one and we were not best friends growing up, nor are we close in adulthood.

I would even venture to say that on average, only children will have much better outcomes than kids with 3+ siblings, due to emotional, time and financial resources being stretched so thin.

@HacerSonarSusPasos

Kids don't need siblings to grow up happy and well adjusted. I have one and we were not best friends growing up, nor are we close in adulthood.

I would even venture to say that on average, only children will have much better outcomes than kids with 3+ siblings, due to emotional, time and financial resources being stretched so thin.

Some of the most intelligent, extroverted and successful friends I have are all only children (can think of 5 off the top of my head). I agree with your point about the emotional and financial resources invested in them whilst growing up. All of them are from well-off families so that obviously plays a role. Many were only children because their parents had them at an older age after building up careers so they grew up with immense privilege. All were gifted properties worth 1M+ by age 35, and set to inherit the remaining properties owned by their parents on both sides.

The original question was about childbirth affecting the decision for more children but I think it's more about the day to day drudgery of taking care of more kids. Some people enjoy and manage it brilliantly. Others didn't realise what they signed up for and that's a key reason why people should rethink having more. Having another baby just so the existing ones have siblings does not compensate for overworked, unhappy or mentally ill mothers. There are plenty of people with siblings who have poor relationships to their parents/families or even gone NC because of the their formative experience growing up.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I didn't go on to have more children. One completely traumatic birth was enough for me.

Me too. I wasn't traumatised, but it wasn't an easy birth and I wasn't putting myself through it again and risking lasting damage the second time round. Quitting while you are ahead is a good move.

I had an awful first birth but had four more children after. I think you ultimately forget a bit about how awful it was and repeat it because you love your children and enjoy Motherhood. My second delivery was horrible too, third not so bad and I had elective c-sections with DC4 and 5 which were infinitely easier aside from a shit recovery with DC5. We’re finished now, DH had the snip but if we had another bedroom I’d probably have another.

I had a horrific first birth but I didn't want my daughter to be an only child so I had another, I have two little girls now and it was worth it! I won't be having any more though!!

Could you request an elected c-section for a second child?

Honestly how could you ‘forget’ childbirth? Pain, anxiety, fear, the indignity of it all, agony, the sense of having no control, panic, feeling dehumanised (in some cases). Unless you literally develop amnesia, how could you forget??

I have had two children both resulting in a third degree tear.
My first baby was over 10lbs and was too big for me so he was a forceps delivery. There was shoulder dystocia as a result of him being so big. I was definitely traumatised by that birth even though I had a epidural. No one told me I was getting an episiotomy, or a forceps delivery it all just happened to me. The part that I get flashbacks over was a feeling of fear when I realised that I couldn’t push anymore and no matter how hard I tried that I wasn’t able to deliver the baby. The closer I got to delivery on my second the more frequent those flash backs became.
I am now 12 weeks post partum and have definitely found I have recovered mentally far better this time. I moved to other side of country between having the boys so was in a different hospital. Not sure if it was due to the gap between births (12 years) or the different policies int be hospitals but I was treated way better second time around. No one touched me in labour without telling me what they were doing and asking for consent. When told them about my first delivery they sat and listened and we talked through how best to approach a second delivery. Such as monitoring babies growth and no letting me go overdue. Second baby was induced and came out too fast for an epidural and came out in one push so I ended up with another third degree tear. This time the hospital I gave birth in was much smaller but follow up care is so much better. They brought me back in to see consultant who cared as much about my mental state as my physical recovery. I have seen the physio twice and have another visit scheduled in a couple months. I am recovering well but physio reckons I can get even more strength back in my pelvic floor.

Before this pregnancy we had said one more child and are sticking to it.