To wonder why people ever go on to have more children ?

[rainbowbaby2]

After going through childbirth? I had a pretty straight forward water birth but I am so traumatised by it all, I feel like I would be terrified to ever have more children. Did anyone else feel like this after giving birth? If so, did you go on to have more?

@BluebellsGreenbells

The children get to about 18 months and you really don’t want them to be only children more than the fear of childbirth. You do it for them.

You should only have another child if YOU want one. You shouldn’t just be having children you don’t want because the first one wants a play mate.

It's the 10 months of sleep deprivation that's putting me off. Giving birth lasts just a couple of days. I can do that. But another 10 months of sleeping 3 or 4 stretches of 1.5 hours will drive me to suicide. Yes, the second could be a good sleeper, or not. Can't risk it.

My first birth was horrific, long and traumatic. So much damage was caused to me by keilland forceps I had to have repair when my son was about 2. After that I was told I couldn’t give birth vaginally again. I never bonded with him and just went through the motions for the first year. It still took until my son was almost 8 for me to be brave enough to have another. The ELCS was amazing, such a calm experience,. I had a third baby not long after. If I had had to have a vaginal birth I would have stopped at one.

I’m 47 now and my only child is 12 and she is happy being a only child as she comes from a large family on her dads side and has 4 Aunties( in their 20’s and a little cousin who she adores .

I still have flash backs now as I had a very traumatic experience when giving birth as I suffered a 3rd degree tear and was that high on morphine and so many pain killers that I remember just a few things and none of them good.

I always remember being told not to worry as the surgeon stitching me up was the “top guy” and he had just come on duty.

How right they were as my stitches dissolved and I was back to normal ( down there) in less than 12 weeks.

I dread to think what would of happened if the “top guy” wasn’t on duty.

So 1 child was enough for me.

After a couple of years I forgot or didn't remember some aspects of the childbirth that well, almost like my mind was trying to concentrate on the happier memories. Sleep deprivation and dealing with a very full on toddler had more of an impact for us tbh and the main reason for the nearly 5 year gap between our DC.

Ultimately, you should base your decision on whether you want another child, not the possible birth experience, as it may well be totally different to your first one.

I had an incredibly hard, long first birth including an epidural that didn’t work and hours and hours of pushing. But to be honest I barely remember it and never think about it. I know it was objectively very hard and bad but somehow I don’t really care and moved on the second the baby was out. I am WAY more put off having a second by my child’s sleep issues than I am by her birth!

@rainbowbaby2

After going through childbirth? I had a pretty straight forward water birth but I am so traumatised by it all, I feel like I would be terrified to ever have more children. Did anyone else feel like this after giving birth? If so, did you go on to have more?

I was beyond traumatised, and cried after birth as had wanted more but felt it was too risky. But after 2/3 years my drive to have more was so strong that I was ready to brave it blindly. I ended up having second quite a while after and had counselling during pregnancy for the delivery. Gave birth with no intervention or pain relief, standing up. An entirely different experience. Empowering, reassuring.

I just had to be brave and, more than anything, trust to Nature and my own body. It was after all designed to give birth.

Yes, I had PTSD after my first awful birth and was determined that I would never do it again.

I had counselling and managed to turn it around. Had a great birth with my second.

"How to heal a bad birth" is a good book.

I have 4 now
firstwas probably most traumatic I scored 9/10 10 would have been a haemorrhage but then she was 12 minutes from them breaking my waters to arrival and instant 2cm to 9cm dilation when they broke so first time I got to think about drama was when I saw consultants shoving 'tea towels' up there to collect blood he turned to nurse said i need the bigger ones!!! Oh and pethidine did nothing except stop me from going for cigarette I know wring but they only thing that did ease the pain
Second no home birth allowed cos high risk score but I refused to stay in delivery suite refused pethidine and on way back from 2nd cigarette I was desperately trying not to push waters broke as we got to room again instant dilation and midwife was found just in time to catch 9 minutes recorded time from waters to arrival
Third was calm chilled one home birth again they broke waters this time he came out in bag ad same time as my waters midwife was shocked guess what was 3cm when she put plastic hook up there time recorded 1 minute
My final one I refer to as the one I can't blame anyone else for..
I carried her (with leg in cast as broke ankle at 4 months)
I delivered her and
I raised her
The 999 lady was rushing first response car to me but she arrived 2 minutes into call again as waters broke she came out I caught her was then stuck as I was crawling along floor to a towel and as she was attached and I was holding her had 2 wait for 2nd ambulance to arrived so they could lift me up and round to sit down
Do think u laugh about crazy shit after and pain can't remember sure there must have been but mind blank on that front
Only piece of advise my mum gave me that I tell pregnant women about labour
Leave ur dignity at door pick it up on ur way back out!

As you can see from the replies, there no need to be squeamish about the details, and it might help you to deal with your post partum injuries, if you search for posts from other mothers using specific terms.

Meanwhile, the only way I could even consider a second was because I made the obstetrician promise, in writing, that I could have a c section. It was still after a good 4 years.

I am not going to share the details of my experience here, but in the end the only thing that really helped was counselling and emdr. This put the memories firmly in a box in my mind. I can remember it all clearly, but the "trauma" feeling is no longer attached to it.

Meanwhile, only a few weeks in to being a mother, you need to gather your support/ doctors, whatever it takes to process, and file away.

A lot of it will depend on where you live. You haven't said anything particularly specific, so if you're happy to name your town or borough, someone might be able to give you insight into local services?

I would say my birth was fairly traumatic. I went 12 days overdue, had a few failed very painful attempts at induction over 2 days before I finally went in to labour. Had a long labour and then issues during the birth so they got me ready for emergency c-section but he was born with forceps in the end. Then he was taken immediately to neonatal and I didn't get to see him for 9 hours after the birth. Oh and I had a reaction to the induction drip that meant I vomited the whole way through my labour.

Lying in recovery after the birth I remember thinking I would never put myself through it again but about a month later I changed my mind. It was really tough but I got there in the end and have a beautiful baby boy to show for it. I will just hope for a more straightforward birth without induction next time around.

I hated pregnancy. But I'd say both my births were pretty awesome. Painful yes. Second time was easy. I felt amazing afterwards. I guess every birth is very different.

Yes, I’m with you. I knew I could have a c-section second time round (because the gynaecologist who repaired me first time round recommended it). If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have got pregnant again.

My section was absolutely amazing but I really struggled with pregnancy second time round, so I’m now pretty sure I’m done.

I remember after having my first baby, I was on a shopping centre and saw a woman with 4 young children in a trolley, and I went up to her and asked her was she insane. I was feeling exactly as you are but still can’t believe I did that to a stranger.
Anyway she burst out laughing and said that everyone feels like that for a while but then it gets easier.

She was right in my case anyway.

I had the second baby, so the first one would have a sibling. I knew what was coming and was ready, but was completely and utterly surprised at how lovely it was! I had a totally different birth and everything felt so much easier. There was nearly love hearts coming out my eyes like in the cartoons.

I think it was shock after the first baby. It doesn’t last forever and most people realise they are up to their neck in it anyway so a second one will not be as big of a change.

All the best.

Not everyone has a traumatic birth experience. For women who had a complication-free birth that was not overly painful, the thought of going through childbirth again would not put them off.

Obviously, as the experiences of women on this thread illustrate, childbirth can be pretty horrific.
However, on the flip side, I put off having children until my late 30s partly because I'd been so terrified of giving birth. In the end childbirth was far far better than I had feared and I would happily do it all over again. (Of course the next time might be very different.)

I apologise OP because I know you weren't necessarily after stories like mine. However I just wanted to put forward a different perspective for the benefit of anyone reading who is also afraid of having children.

My first birth was like yours fairly straightforward. Only 4.5hour labour, no complications (thank goodness). Physically I could probably do it again.

Mentally I don’t know if I have it in me. 18 months on I am still stalked by PND (although it’s not as terrifying as it once was). I’m not sure I could sign up for the newborn stage again with the added dynamic of having a toddler too.

I also have serious reservations about giving birth as my first was so quick I would worry I’d end up giving birth at home.

I wanted nr 2 but didnt want to go through labpur again. I used the known midwife scheme at the further away hospital. 2 birth was physically more traumatic but not mentally.

It's not birth that's put me off , it's having a new born with severe cmpa , reflux and colic that has done it. 3 months in and I'm exhausted and there is no way I could do this and deal with another child. My csection was easy, I'd do that part again with no issues. 3 months of screaming , puking and no sleep ... no thanks.

I think there's something in my brain that makes me just forget. I had a fairly traumatic first birth and a lovely second one. I was ridiculously broody immediately after both and remained so for about a year after. Luckily my dh did not feel the same way or I would have been dealing with a lot of kids with very small age gaps during the covid lockdowns!

@Cameleongirl

Ultimately, you should base your decision on whether you want another child, not the possible birth experience, as it may well be totally different to your first one.

But it may as well be even more traumatic than the first. It's ok if you don't want to roll the dice again

It's only been 12 weeks.

I didn't want ds1 to be an only child.

I have 3 DC and all my labours were unpleasant, very painful and too fast for pain relief (DC3 was born in the car....) but the pain and loss of dignity were never bad enough for me to say I wouldn't have another. It's just a couple of hours of pain, whereas a child is for a lifetime.

I haemorrhaged and still recovering 6 months postpartum but that’s not the thing that puts me off having more. It’s the utter back breaking relentlessness of it all.

I agree with you OP, I am just amazed that women put themselves through labour more than once, my experience wasn't nearly as bad as some mentioned on here but I guess I was never that keen on having more than one child so I was very happy to never have to go through pregnancy and labour again.

In fact it's not just the birth but the emotional (not to mention practical) energy involved in raising a child is, for me, quite overwhelming. And I am fortunate in that I have a fully 'involved' DH, no financial worries etc but I think raising my DS (now 20) has been the hardest challenge of my life ... maybe I overthink it? .... I just don't know how I would find the head space to deal with raising another child.