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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why people ever go on to have more children ?

163 replies

rainbowbaby2 · 01/02/2022 23:32

After going through childbirth? I had a pretty straight forward water birth but I am so traumatised by it all, I feel like I would be terrified to ever have more children. Did anyone else feel like this after giving birth? If so, did you go on to have more?

OP posts:
GillianB2990 · 02/02/2022 00:06

I had a horrible birth with my daughter, I was a young mum with preeclampsia my daughter was born early we both nearly died...took me 9yrs to go through it again. With my son I was 5&1/2 cm dilated when I arrived at the hospital, was begging for more pain relief and the midwife kept telling me to breath through it with the gas and air that I could do it without anything else even though I was asking and asking was a fairly quick and straight forward birth but I have never felt pain like it in my life, fast forward 5 yrs I'm now pregnant again and absolutely terrified of labour and I'm dreading it so much. The end result is worth it but it is definitely a scary thought to go through it all again. But it's definitely the last one for us!

CandyMan89 · 02/02/2022 00:11

I found giving birth empowering and was fortunate enough to recover quite quickly. I actually enjoyed it. I probably would've had more if we could afford it. I've birthed 4 times. 2 times they were stillborn unfortunately.

Chely · 02/02/2022 00:15

1st birth was 3 day induction, high off my ass on G&A. Epidural, fetal distress, vontouse and episiotomy. I was in hospital 6 nights. Went on to have 2nd very large baby, then another big one, then big twins (that was a tough pregnancy) and another big singleton. 3 vb's and 2 c'sections. My last was a rough birth, laboured over 20hrs, had scar rupture so heavy blood loss and lots of pain. I feel broody but enjoying the little one and no intentions of having more in the near future.

PermanentTemporary · 02/02/2022 00:17

I had the most straightforward birth it's possible to have, perhaps just on the fast side. But I found it immensely hard. I did once think I might be pregnant again and that was enough to give me horrendous flashbacks and I could hardly sleep. Turned out I wasn't pregnant, and my sheer relief that I wouldn't have to give birth again was part of the decision not to go for another baby.

SunshineArtist · 02/02/2022 00:18

I had a long, difficult birth with my first child. It took me years to even think about the possibility of another so we have a 6 year age gap. I think my partner was traumatised by it too. We almost decided to just have one child but I did want my son to have a sibling so we did decide to try again. My second birth was more straight forward but I ended up being rushed to theatre not long after giving birth due to complications. We both decided never again, I could have died. My youngest is 14 now but I don’t think I’ll ever feel truly ‘okay’ with birth. I can’t even watch birth in a film or tv programme when it’s not real. I love my children so much though and I’m so glad we had our second.

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 02/02/2022 00:21

Horrific first birth, ptsd etc. I was ill for at least 6mths afterwards. Complete shitshow of a birth cocked up by the NHS being incompetent.
Absolutely said I'd never risk it again. We never wanted kids in the first place, and certainly not 2 under 2 but I ended up pregnant again. Decided to terminate but services slow with Covid etc and we ended up deciding to go through with it. Family very unhappy with this due to me and DD almost dying last time. I do feel like I've forgotten a large proportion of what happened though and have certainly forgotten the 4 days of terrible pain.

I'm due in less than 2wks and have fought hard to get an ELCS. As soon as I got what I wanted the baby went transverse and into unstable lie so it would be CS anyway. The services have been shockingly bad, not being seen for months at a time when I'm supposed to be seen every 2wks for other high risk elements. I was admitted a couple of days ago but have discharged myself as I can't bear 2wks on a busy ward, there's several Covid patients too and I don't want the risk. I wish I hadn't gone through with it, but at least the end is in sight. Baby is huge though so I might regret it haha.

BobHadBitchTits · 02/02/2022 00:32

I had a horrific labour and then childbirth. It took me almost five years to try again.

Then I had a caesarean and that was even worse!

AKASammyScrounge · 02/02/2022 00:39

You forget the pain of childbirth very quickly and then it all comes back when the next labour starts.

Happyhappyday · 02/02/2022 00:39

3 years later and still have post birth injuries. I don’t really remember the pain or the fear in a real way though. Contemplating a second but it’s the PND and unknown of whether we’d have a more challenging second one. Ironically when DH and I discussed he said “but you would just have a c section right” and that the only part he’s really worried about is the birth. Which I thought was kind of sweet :)

Walkoflife · 02/02/2022 00:42

I had a difficult first labour and birth.
I was in labour a long time and then ended up in theatre with a forceps delivery as baby’s head was turned the wrong way.
Then I had a retained placenta.
I swore at the time I would never go through that again!

But you do forget and my desire for another baby and to give my first son a sibling was so strong.

I got pregnant again 2 and half years later but sadly miscarried but then went on to have another baby boy just before my first son turned 4.

I actually ended up having a really quick labour and birth second time around with no issues!

thehourwaslate · 02/02/2022 00:42

I had a pretty traumatic birth experience, induction, epidural, spinal, forceps, post partum haemorrhage, and I remember being sad just after knowing DS would be an only child when we’d always thought we would have several. I had flashbacks for months, however a year later the memory was starting to fade and we started trying for a second baby.

DD was born two years after DS and it was a completely different experience - I actually look back on it fondly! I only needed gas and air and was in and out of hospital in less than 12 hours. Definitely not ruling out a third!

So try not to worry too much, you may change your mind as the trauma fades, and you may find it totally different the second time around too!

Cameleongirl · 02/02/2022 00:45

I had a rough time with DD and ended up having to stay in hospital for a week-she was perfectly healthy, I was the ill one! But I had a much easier birth with DS three years later and went home the next day.

I definitely needed to wait and fully recover physically, two babies close together wouldn’t have been a good idea for me. Let yourself heal and enjoy being a Mum.

Namechange466 · 02/02/2022 00:48

Seems like a lot of people had horrible births - and mine with 3 day labour, distress and EMCS was no different.

and it’s only now 2.5 years later that I feel ready emotionally and physically to consider another - to complete my family in my mind, and to give my DD a sibling.

ambushedbywine · 02/02/2022 00:48

C Section!!!!

TonyThreePies · 02/02/2022 00:52

@AutomaticMoon

I have Tokophobia so I can’t even have one baby 😞 I wonder how women go through any childbirth in the first place. I would just go insane with fear and probably put myself out of misery. I’m a big coward. Mine is probably caused by CSA in foster care so it really hurts me that because of that awful man I won’t ever be a mother and have my own family.
Me too. I feel sad about it, that I never really had the choice of whether to have a child or not, my fear about pregnancy and labour is too strong. I always through that I would get broody at some point and it would override my fear but it never happened.
Bussinbussin · 02/02/2022 00:53

I certainly felt like that after no.2.

Went from 10 hour assisted labour with no.1 to 90 minutes, and 7lb baby to 9lb. I did not want to see where that pattern took me next!

HoneyFlowers · 02/02/2022 00:53

I always wanted two, but my birth experience was actually so horrendous that I couldn't do it again.

Crikeycroc · 02/02/2022 00:55

Go for a birth debrief at the hospital or invest in a few sessions of private counselling. Just because you had a drug free water birth does not mean your trauma isn’t valid.

It was the sleep deprivation, breastfeeding problems and settling issues that have put me off having another!

GrandTheftWalrus · 02/02/2022 00:56

My 1st birth was easy, I had diamorphine and gas and air at the hospital and had an episiotomy. However I healed quickly and thought of 2nd etc.

My 2nd birth was horrendous. I had irregular contractions for hours then it all kicked off within an hour and I actually had her on my living room floor and her cord was round her neck. I was very lucky the paramedics made it there 10 mins before she was born. I had my bloody show at 3pm and told dh that we would need to go to the hospital soon so he should get up so we could have food then go (he had been nightshift) with the 1st I had my bloody show 4hrs before baby so thought I had time. Turns out I didn't.

If my 2nd birth had been my 1st I wouldn't have had another.

Christmasbird · 02/02/2022 00:56

Yes. My dd is 21 and I could never consider another

SparklyLogic · 02/02/2022 00:58

I had a pretty hideous labour after a less than stellar pregnancy, but it was the first few months of motherhood and terrifying PND that really put me off having another.

Luckily I never had a massive urge to have more and having had a pretty good experience as an only child didn't worry about it from that perspective either.

I've really enjoyed not having to juggle and being able to focus all my resources on DD. She's now a fabulous 17yo and we're very close so no regrets here.

HobnobsChoice · 02/02/2022 01:03

First birth was pretty awful, 17 hours from waters being broken to Baby being pulled out with forceps in theatre. Baby was resuscitated twice and whisked off to NICU. I haemorrhaged and then had to have my episiotomy revised 2 days later with a big infection and haematoma. We spent a week in hospital and it took me a while to recover physically and mentally.
I have a 2nd child who is 4 years younger than my first. I was so much more prepared for what could happen and was much more assertive, even when I ended up being admitted to a different hospital with a different consultant than the one I was supposed to have overseeing me. After induction failed over 3 days I refused to continue and requested a section which after a bit of "debate" went ahead. It was very relaxed and peaceful and hearing my baby cry after the dreadful silence at my daughters birth was quite euphoric. It healed quite a lot of my husband's trauma as well. I recovered much faster from the section and was so much better able to cope.

If you need to ask about a birth debrief, it can help you understand and move forward. Enjoy your baby for now.

RowanAlong · 02/02/2022 01:12

Because I could no longer recall the exact sensation of the pain. It took me a year to get to the point where I had ‘forgotten’ it. And then my first child started sleeping better, around age two, and being such a delight, that it all felt easier, and we realised we wanted another.

Summerfun54321 · 02/02/2022 01:14

@AutomaticMoon sorry to hear that Flowers

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/02/2022 01:20

It does sound like you need some sort of debrief, or possibly counselling, to come to terms with how your birth experience went.

Most people do forget the pain of the actual birth fairly rapidly, but if you have birth injuries, then of course that can affect you much longer, and some people's birth injuries will be such that they never go for it again. Or if they do, they choose an elective CS (less easy these days though!) rather than risk "breaking" themselves again.

I didn't have great birth experiences either time, but no injuries either (luckily for me) but I couldn't have done it again after no. 2, I still have occasional flashbacks now to the situation, which leave me cold. I reached a point where I was so out of it, that once DS2 was born, I didn't even realise that was what had happened - just knew that whatever had been causing the problem was out, and when they placed him on me after wiping him down, it took at least a minute before I registered what he was (as in, a baby - I had no idea what the lump on me was for that minute). He's 9 now, so the flashbacks are a rarity - only when I talk about births! - but I knew I was done after him.