Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a child knowing they’ll spend 4 or 5 days in nursery?

383 replies

mvmvmvmv · 01/02/2022 19:58

AIBU to have a child knowing they’d likely be in nursery 4 days a week after my maternity, and likely going to 5 days a week by age 3? Is it unreasonable to have a child knowing they will need to spend so much time in nursery? Is it cruel?

We have zero family nearby, and family finances mean we both pretty much need to work full time (one of us could drop to 4 days for a year).

I don’t want to use a nanny or au pair as I’d want my child to have social interaction with other kids. There are v few childminders near us so unlikely to be an option. The local nursery is very good tho.

OP posts:
SpinsForGin · 01/02/2022 20:48

Tbh I would question why you are having kids only to send them to childcare so much. Do you really want them, or are you having them because you feel you should?

Didn't take long 🙄

expatmigrant · 01/02/2022 20:49

Not cruel at all.
Mine did the same and now grown up and well balanced adults...at least i think so Grin
But like others have mentioned...also spent a bit of extra money on a cleaner. It will mean that when you get home on Friday the house is clean and you can spent the weekend doing things with your family.

Clymene · 01/02/2022 20:49

In other countries there is not this guilt about sending children to childcare. Our maternity leave is some of the longest in the world. My children went to nursery from 9 months old. They seem to be doing okay as teenagers and have never confused their nursery worker with me or felt abandoned.

Nomorecoco · 01/02/2022 20:49

I thought this when I was retuning fro maternity, but I think keep my DD at home with me was cruel, she was bored and needed to socialise, she loves it!

BurscoughBooths · 01/02/2022 20:50

@navydear

Yanbu but i do think it's so sad the way society has ruined the traditional family..so many children are not being reared in their home and no matter how anyone tries to justify it, it is sad and unnatural. I couldn't bear the thought of a crèche rearing my child or a childminder or any other woman but me in their early years before school, To me it's like an institution that hopefully, somehow will be abolished in future years, It would be lovely to see a world again where the norm is for one parent to raise their children and the other work or for both to do so jointly with part time careers.
What bollocks Biscuit
babyjellyfish · 01/02/2022 20:51

What an odd post!

Not to mention rude towards all the parents who work full time and whose children are just fine at nursery.

Confused
SarahBasil · 01/02/2022 20:51

5 days in school is different because

  1. They are older
  2. It is 9-3, only 6 hours a day

For me it’s partly about whether you want to spend your time looking after them. If you don’t, why have them? It’s not compulsory and life is easier without kids.

SpinsForGin · 01/02/2022 20:52

[quote navydear]@SpinsForGin
Traditional family: one or both parents rearing their own children[/quote]
Both me and my husband raise our child. We just also happen to work.
Part of being a parent is making decisions which benefit the family unit as a whole. This can involve using childcare.

Just because we used childcare didn't mean we were any less a parent than someone who chose not to. Are you no longer raising you children once they start school?

It's very insulting to suggest that working parents aren't raising their own children.

SpinsForGin · 01/02/2022 20:52

@SarahBasil

5 days in school is different because
  1. They are older
  2. It is 9-3, only 6 hours a day

For me it’s partly about whether you want to spend your time looking after them. If you don’t, why have them? It’s not compulsory and life is easier without kids.

Do you mean to be so incredibly rude?
RowanAlong · 01/02/2022 20:52

Nursery key person is not the same as a childminder, no. Higher turnover of staff. Plus, nursery key worker’s attention will be shared out between more children. CM’s environment is more home-like, with fewer distractions and more tailoring to each child.

LillyLeaf · 01/02/2022 20:52

Most parents I know do this. Lots of people don't live near family, we don't so DS is in nursey 4 days a week. He loves it. When I'm with him I'm very present, we play, read, go out, chat, just generally spend quality time together. It's very normal. If I didn't work, we wouldn't be able to afford what we have.

Onatree · 01/02/2022 20:53

This is a very odd OP. It’s full of naive wide eyed apparent wonder but is effectively a full blown goad.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 01/02/2022 20:53

Not cruel, but bloody expensive

HardbackWriter · 01/02/2022 20:53

For me it’s partly about whether you want to spend your time looking after them. If you don’t, why have them? It’s not compulsory and life is easier without kids.

Do you ask men who work full-time why they bothered to have children?

navydear · 01/02/2022 20:53

@BurscoughBooths
Accurate bollocks you mean
Children that young need to be nurtured by a loving parent in their home, it's where they gain a sense of security and where they feel most loved and safe,
I'm sorry but a crèche 5 days a week will never compare no matter how you try fool yourself

NommyChompers · 01/02/2022 20:54

Nursery is a safe place designed for tots with trained early years practitioners.

The kids play with sand they don’t break rocks in a chain gang. They’re fine

Cheesecakeandwineinasuitcase · 01/02/2022 20:54

Mine loved going to nursery!

inheritancetrack · 01/02/2022 20:55

Get a nanny for a couple of years so that the child can have that close relationship with a special caregiver. 1 year olds don't need 5 days of busy nursery and interactions with so many children.

Melltilda · 01/02/2022 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tee20x · 01/02/2022 20:55

If he's 50 with no kids then he has no say. Equally even if he had kids, he's a man so he'd likely be the most unaffected out of the two parents and have his life carry on as normal.

Of course it's not cruel - to the PP who said why have kids if you don't want to look after them bla bla. We're not all millionaires who can sit at home all day baking with the kids :)))))))

DD is at nursery 4 days a week & does a lot more activities than I could even bare to do with her at home. Messy play, water play, big garden etc etc. Different toys than she has at home, interaction with other kids - list is endless.

You still have evenings/weekends/holidays together. Everyone needs to earn a living.

lavender2022 · 01/02/2022 20:55

I would say it's actually cruel to not send your DC's to nursery/preschool. Children need social interaction with other children of their age. The only downside is all the cold/flu's they get, I'm currently here basically dying from the worst chest infection I've probably ever had in my whole life. Outside of that, perfectly normal.

LuckySantangelo35 · 01/02/2022 20:55

@navydear

Yanbu but i do think it's so sad the way society has ruined the traditional family..so many children are not being reared in their home and no matter how anyone tries to justify it, it is sad and unnatural. I couldn't bear the thought of a crèche rearing my child or a childminder or any other woman but me in their early years before school, To me it's like an institution that hopefully, somehow will be abolished in future years, It would be lovely to see a world again where the norm is for one parent to raise their children and the other work or for both to do so jointly with part time careers.
Urgh! Sad and unnatural now?! Plus there’s no way it will be “abolished” in future years, how depressing to think we may regress like that
TheMoth · 01/02/2022 20:57

I'm a secondary teacher. It often used to feel like i barely saw either of my kids when I went back after maternity leave. They're fine. They don't know any different.

Change123today · 01/02/2022 20:58

Both my girls went to nursery for 5 days elder one from a year & second from 18 months.
We didn’t have any local family either to help. I did change working pattern at primary so I could pick them up from school 3 days a week. Now the younger one is at secondary I have gone back to full time 4 days a week.

My eldest is 18 now - I’ve been to every special event as has her Dad, we got to be there when the girls walked etc She’s a lovely young adult & has got to this age without being damaged from nursery! And the youngest one is doing well at secondary loves the independence walking to and from school! And goes to clubs most days After school so is rarely coming home into an empty house! But is completely confident if she is on her own for a couple of hours. Back at primary she used to be annoyed if we picked her up early from ASC as she was happy there.

Agree get a cleaner. Weekends is family time as was holidays etc. It’s been difficult at times with sickness/chicken pox!

Nobody ever says to the other parent working why did you have children if you not going to be there everyday ALL day Confused

reluctantbrit · 01/02/2022 20:59

SAHM is nowadays a lifestyle choice and hardly anyone can afford it. The ones who do need to have a very clear understanding of what it means if the main breadwinner can't support the family.

I bring up my DD with the knowledge that it is important to be able to support herself. Not because I fear my marriage is breaking down, because I have seen unfortunate events of partners dying or being seriously injured/ill and can't work anymore.

DD had a great time at nursery I believe, she came out laughing, dirty and 11 years later still has friends from the days.

A great nursery will nurture your child, it's not a replacement of the parent or destroying family life.

Ask yourself: would any dad ask himself the same question?