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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a child knowing they’ll spend 4 or 5 days in nursery?

383 replies

mvmvmvmv · 01/02/2022 19:58

AIBU to have a child knowing they’d likely be in nursery 4 days a week after my maternity, and likely going to 5 days a week by age 3? Is it unreasonable to have a child knowing they will need to spend so much time in nursery? Is it cruel?

We have zero family nearby, and family finances mean we both pretty much need to work full time (one of us could drop to 4 days for a year).

I don’t want to use a nanny or au pair as I’d want my child to have social interaction with other kids. There are v few childminders near us so unlikely to be an option. The local nursery is very good tho.

OP posts:
jfhguseorjgijaerigjarfgj · 01/02/2022 21:26

Mine started full time at 18 months, loved it.

Would second the recommendation to get a cleaner if affordable so you have more of the weekend free for family time.

Parker231 · 01/02/2022 21:26

@ImWearingReallyJudgyPants

This was a big thing on MN when my children were little (20 years ago). I was a SAHM, but if I had been forced to work, my preferences would have been 1. Nanny; 2. CM; 3. Nursery (and that is excluding family help, as we didn't have any). I became close friends with several nannies of my DC's friends; good nannies are the best substitute for a parent, and will ensure that children are socialised.

It's not natural for small children to spend their entire time with their peers. They need to meet and interact with people of all ages, and they can only do this if they are living in the outside world, not sequestered away in a nursery.

From my friends' experiences, I wouldn't want my children looked after by young people on the minimum wage in a nursery. These people are doing a crucial job, but the wages they are offered are unlikely to attract the people with the intelligence that you would wish for in the people who are caring for your child. Even things like learning "ta" instead of "thank you" would have put me off.

The staff at DT’s nursery had degrees in childcare and development. Attending nursery was a benefit not a detriment. We’re a trilingual family and they learnt so much English from attending nursery which they wouldn’t have got from being at home.
SpinsForGin · 01/02/2022 21:26

@katepilar

I wouldnt say its cruel, but its not good for them. Unfortunately this is the world we live in. Also depending on at what age you put them in. They dont need other children, certainly not until the age of 3. They need a stable adult person if you can manage that so I think a nanny is a better option for the child than nursery.
It's not bad for them either. The research is clear that high quality childcare is not detrimental to a child's development.
ChoiceMummy · 01/02/2022 21:29

@mvmvmvmv

Thanks glad the feeling is it is fine.

A male colleague commented today that he can’t believe that some people put their children in nursery till 5pm and how cruel it is. It just got me worried. For context he is about 50 with no kids.

I agree with his sentiments.

If you cannot be with the child at least in their formative years, it's imo, a very selfish decision.

In your scenario why can you not address the financial issues so this isn't the situation?

FloatyBoaty · 01/02/2022 21:30

And just for the record:

My son says “thank you” not “ta”. Although I say “ta” sometimes. I also speak and read 3 languages though so not sure what that signifies.

He was not “sequestered in a nursery”- he was at a forest school nursery that was very much at the heart of the community

Half of his caregivers had a degree of postgraduate qualification. The other half were expected to continue their academic or professional development, as the setting was a centre of excellence.

I could go on. But mostly I just wish people would fucking behave themselves.

tkwal · 01/02/2022 21:32

That's the price we pay for wanting it all

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/02/2022 21:34

I've never heard anyone say they wish they'd never been born because they spent time in nursery before school!

Aaaabbbcccc · 01/02/2022 21:36

@katepilar

I wouldnt say its cruel, but its not good for them. Unfortunately this is the world we live in. Also depending on at what age you put them in. They dont need other children, certainly not until the age of 3. They need a stable adult person if you can manage that so I think a nanny is a better option for the child than nursery.
You should educate yourself on the research.
EmmaH2022 · 01/02/2022 21:39

@mvmvmvmv

Thanks glad the feeling is it is fine.

A male colleague commented today that he can’t believe that some people put their children in nursery till 5pm and how cruel it is. It just got me worried. For context he is about 50 with no kids.

Blimey, what an asshat he is.
Fearnyleaves · 01/02/2022 21:39

@ImWearingReallyJudgyPants

This was a big thing on MN when my children were little (20 years ago). I was a SAHM, but if I had been forced to work, my preferences would have been 1. Nanny; 2. CM; 3. Nursery (and that is excluding family help, as we didn't have any). I became close friends with several nannies of my DC's friends; good nannies are the best substitute for a parent, and will ensure that children are socialised.

It's not natural for small children to spend their entire time with their peers. They need to meet and interact with people of all ages, and they can only do this if they are living in the outside world, not sequestered away in a nursery.

From my friends' experiences, I wouldn't want my children looked after by young people on the minimum wage in a nursery. These people are doing a crucial job, but the wages they are offered are unlikely to attract the people with the intelligence that you would wish for in the people who are caring for your child. Even things like learning "ta" instead of "thank you" would have put me off.

You're name is very fitting really isn't. Judgy, snobby and bitchy!
TeachesOfPeaches · 01/02/2022 21:39

When your child is 4 they'll spend 5 days per weeks at school and then the next 50 years working 5 days per week. It's fine.

cinderhella · 01/02/2022 21:42

We had no family support and my daughters nursery staff were so valuable in that sense, additional stable and positive relationships were really important. She went there from 6 months and now she’s in school and goes to after school at the same nursery.

The staff aren’t strangers for long and as for them ‘rearing’ her - yes, they played a role. It’s why they’re so valuable. The nursery shared our values and the staff cared about her and still do. She’s a cracking little girl with good relationships, of course they’re a part of that. She’s far more well rounded than she would ever have been with only me 24/7.

She also has good and ongoing friendships with children that she went to nursery with and some of them still go to the after school together as well.

Mumwithapub · 01/02/2022 21:42

Depends if it's just a couple of hours a day or all day 9-5 is a bit much when are you and baby going to spend time together if it is all day. I know of nursery staff who see kids dropped off at 7 till 7 from the age of 3 months no relationship with mum or dad really. Children are the most precious gift if you don't have time for them don't have them.

Aaaabbbcccc · 01/02/2022 21:44

People who suggesting there is anything wrong at all with high quality nurseries clearly have no idea what they are talking about. There are some people who have actual careers and cannot just abandon them for 5 years or whatever would be deemed ‘not cruel’. As between nannies, childminders and nurseries it is all a matter of preference. There can be good or bad examples. Personally I prefer a regulated environment where the carer is not working alone. That is my preference. My DC are also now fully fluent in a second language as a result of going to nursery.
Any attempt to argue nurseries are categorically ‘cruel’ is just needless provocation.

Rosebel · 01/02/2022 21:44

@ImWearingReallyJudgyPants

This was a big thing on MN when my children were little (20 years ago). I was a SAHM, but if I had been forced to work, my preferences would have been 1. Nanny; 2. CM; 3. Nursery (and that is excluding family help, as we didn't have any). I became close friends with several nannies of my DC's friends; good nannies are the best substitute for a parent, and will ensure that children are socialised.

It's not natural for small children to spend their entire time with their peers. They need to meet and interact with people of all ages, and they can only do this if they are living in the outside world, not sequestered away in a nursery.

From my friends' experiences, I wouldn't want my children looked after by young people on the minimum wage in a nursery. These people are doing a crucial job, but the wages they are offered are unlikely to attract the people with the intelligence that you would wish for in the people who are caring for your child. Even things like learning "ta" instead of "thank you" would have put me off.

What a nasty thing to say. The workers at my son's nursery are brilliant warm, fun and affectionate. I would never be so rude as to suggest or even think they have low intelligence. If the worst outcome of nursery is your child saying ta then it's a good nursery. Just for the record most under 2s can't say thank you and saying ta is at least teaching them manners.
LincolnshireYellowBelly · 01/02/2022 21:44

My 2 were both full time in nursery from just under the age of 1. We were fortunate though that I work term time only so had time through all the holidays.
They benefitted hugely from the social side, and we just prioritised family time on evenings and weekends.

cinderhella · 01/02/2022 21:45

Also, even though she went to nursery, it may surprise judgypants to learn that she did occasionally leave the building and one of her best key workers was indeed a young working class school leaver. I mean do you want them to interact with a variety of people or…?

Aaaabbbcccc · 01/02/2022 21:45

And the suggestion that one might not have children because they might have to be in childcare is frankly ridiculous. Is this the Handmaids Tale?

Fredstheteds · 01/02/2022 21:47

It’s a necessity for lots of people and not a cheap one. I’m a SAHM now as my dad has stage 4 cancer, I’m married with a 2.5 year old and I was a secondary school teacher. I’m lucky that our house rental business can support us and we do have to be really careful. I decided that I was denying my lad without nursery so I send him twice a week for the morning to nursery . It means I can get on with the house and he benefits greatly. Sending to nursery is a huge commitment as is going to work... there are times when I would love to head for work but I’m so lucky ..

nildesparandum · 01/02/2022 21:47

My own two children were in nursery from 3 years old, my grandchildren and now my great grandchildren were in nursery from a few months old.
They all loved it, and we were able to get a decent standard of living.
It is a way of life now.

SpinsForGin · 01/02/2022 21:48

If you cannot be with the child at least in their formative years, it's imo, a very selfish decision.

Is it selfish for men to work when they have small children or is it just working mothers who are selfish?

In your scenario why can you not address the financial issues so this isn't the situation?

Because that is so easy 🙄
Jesus, so many clueless people on this thread.

sweetheartyparty · 01/02/2022 21:49

My daughter went 4 days a week up to 3 years old. She is a very happy and confident 5 year old who is thriving in school. We have a lovely bond. Its absolutely fine

SpinsForGin · 01/02/2022 21:49

Children are the most precious gift if you don't have time for them don't have them.

How many men have you made this incredibly rude comment to?

CheesecakeAddict · 01/02/2022 21:51

Dd went to nursery 5 days a week 7am-6pm from 6m old. Needs must and she has grown into a very confident and happy child. She's got a group of friends and has a fab bond with her key worker.

TheMoth · 01/02/2022 21:52

I do believe it's feeding time under the bridge, for some on this thread.