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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a child knowing they’ll spend 4 or 5 days in nursery?

383 replies

mvmvmvmv · 01/02/2022 19:58

AIBU to have a child knowing they’d likely be in nursery 4 days a week after my maternity, and likely going to 5 days a week by age 3? Is it unreasonable to have a child knowing they will need to spend so much time in nursery? Is it cruel?

We have zero family nearby, and family finances mean we both pretty much need to work full time (one of us could drop to 4 days for a year).

I don’t want to use a nanny or au pair as I’d want my child to have social interaction with other kids. There are v few childminders near us so unlikely to be an option. The local nursery is very good tho.

OP posts:
WalesStar · 01/02/2022 20:14

Not cruel at all. Mine goes 3 days a week and loves it. They get to play with other children and do loads of activities that I probably wouldn’t think to do at home.

AliceW89 · 01/02/2022 20:14

Cruel? Really? I mean, there are arguments that it’s not comparable in terms of development to spending all day, one on one with a loving, engaged family member (although I actually think DS has come on with his motor skills thanks in part to 3 days at nurse)…but to consider it potentially cruel is a big leap. Especially as that loving, engaged family member is often the mother and being a stay at home parent sure as hell ain’t the easy option.

stuntbubbles · 01/02/2022 20:14

Hmm Do you walk past nurseries weeping that they even exist, for all the poor bairns inside whose working parents so cruelly had them only to send them somewhere to play all day with loads of friends and eat varied meals and have shitloads of activities they’d never get to do at home? Cop on.

Fridgeorflight · 01/02/2022 20:15

My DDs had a fab time at nursery. The spent their day with people who really enjoyed being with children, in the comfort of their routine, doing activities designed for them and with other kids. They'd not have had nearly as much fun at home with me. I do appreciate that there are some brilliant sahp out there who can create as good an environment/experience as a nursery, but I'm not one of them. My DD2 used to be returned to me looking like she'd been down a mine then up a chimney because she loved to get stuck into the mud kitchen and messy play. It was great that she was able to do that without me having to clean up after her.

My DDs also learned a huge amount from being with a range of other children - for example the importance of being understanding towards children with additional needs.

Our local nursery was amazing. When they say it takes a village to raise a child, our nursery was that village for my DDs. You can still see character traits in them from the amazing staff at nursery.

SickAndTiredAgain · 01/02/2022 20:15

I don’t want to use a nanny or au pair as I’d want my child to have social interaction with other kids.

You don’t want to send them to a nursery but also don’t want them looked after by a nanny because then they won’t be around other children? Would they be around significantly more children at a young age if you were home looking after them?

Wnkingawalrus · 01/02/2022 20:16

YABU for asking this question on a parenting forum where many parents on here chose to put their kids in childcare five days a week, for various reasons.

You sound incredibly judgemental. What exactly do you think happens at a nursery to make them cruel institutions?

I suggest you do some research more broadly into childcare options before you have children. I’m yet to meet a nanny that doesn’t spend most of their time going to playgroups and setting up play dates so I don’t know where you get the idea that children with nannies lack social interaction.

TyrannosaurusRegina · 01/02/2022 20:16

It is sad however needs must. Mine will need to go 4/5 days a week once I'm back at work. It is what it is.

Kite22 · 01/02/2022 20:17

Don't be ridiculous.

Or is this just a goady 'drop a post to make people angry and leave the thread' opening post ? Hmm

Miriam101 · 01/02/2022 20:18

Gaby, and TBH find your question quite offensive!

hangrylady · 01/02/2022 20:19

I think you've posted this to goad people TBH. If not then you sound really thick.

ImWearingReallyJudgyPants · 01/02/2022 20:23

This was a big thing on MN when my children were little (20 years ago). I was a SAHM, but if I had been forced to work, my preferences would have been 1. Nanny; 2. CM; 3. Nursery (and that is excluding family help, as we didn't have any). I became close friends with several nannies of my DC's friends; good nannies are the best substitute for a parent, and will ensure that children are socialised.

It's not natural for small children to spend their entire time with their peers. They need to meet and interact with people of all ages, and they can only do this if they are living in the outside world, not sequestered away in a nursery.

From my friends' experiences, I wouldn't want my children looked after by young people on the minimum wage in a nursery. These people are doing a crucial job, but the wages they are offered are unlikely to attract the people with the intelligence that you would wish for in the people who are caring for your child. Even things like learning "ta" instead of "thank you" would have put me off.

mynameiscalypso · 01/02/2022 20:26

@ImWearingReallyJudgyPants

This was a big thing on MN when my children were little (20 years ago). I was a SAHM, but if I had been forced to work, my preferences would have been 1. Nanny; 2. CM; 3. Nursery (and that is excluding family help, as we didn't have any). I became close friends with several nannies of my DC's friends; good nannies are the best substitute for a parent, and will ensure that children are socialised.

It's not natural for small children to spend their entire time with their peers. They need to meet and interact with people of all ages, and they can only do this if they are living in the outside world, not sequestered away in a nursery.

From my friends' experiences, I wouldn't want my children looked after by young people on the minimum wage in a nursery. These people are doing a crucial job, but the wages they are offered are unlikely to attract the people with the intelligence that you would wish for in the people who are caring for your child. Even things like learning "ta" instead of "thank you" would have put me off.

Never has a username been so apt.
Gardengates · 01/02/2022 20:27

So nursery is cruel?
But you think they need socialisation so you don't want an au pair?
And you already think you won't find a childminder for your hypothetical future children?

Sounds like you have exhausted all the options for having children OP...

NuffSaidSam · 01/02/2022 20:27

YANBU to use whatever childcare you want.

But

I don’t want to use a nanny or au pair as I’d want my child to have social interaction with other kids.

This drives me mental! Do you honestly believe children looked after at home (by a nanny or au pair or parent) is denied social interaction? Locked up all day everyday in the house? Of course not!

CallMeK · 01/02/2022 20:28

Everyone I know sends their kids to nursery. Even the SAHM's. It's so good for kids. They make friends and have fun and learn so much!

WorriedGiraffe · 01/02/2022 20:28

You already have a baby in nursery, so surely you already no if you are comfortable with it or not? Not sure why you are posting like you are childless.

Hellocatshome · 01/02/2022 20:28

Both of mine went to full time nursery from 6 months old. Although I did work part time (still 5 days but finishing in time for school pick up) once they started school.
They are now 14 and 11 and perfectly well rounded, socially and academically.

mintbiscuit · 01/02/2022 20:29

That positioning is pretty offensive OP. Loads of parents choose to do this and seems like you’re being goady.

Fuck me. Cruel??

ThreeLocusts · 01/02/2022 20:30

I loved my kids' nursery and they did too. It was like a little republic of children where they learned to look after themselves and each other, wait their turn at the slide, moderate conflict...

Other children are so much more interesting for kids than grownups. A good nursery is better company than an antsy grownup.

Gardengates · 01/02/2022 20:32

@ImWearingReallyJudgyPants

This was a big thing on MN when my children were little (20 years ago). I was a SAHM, but if I had been forced to work, my preferences would have been 1. Nanny; 2. CM; 3. Nursery (and that is excluding family help, as we didn't have any). I became close friends with several nannies of my DC's friends; good nannies are the best substitute for a parent, and will ensure that children are socialised.

It's not natural for small children to spend their entire time with their peers. They need to meet and interact with people of all ages, and they can only do this if they are living in the outside world, not sequestered away in a nursery.

From my friends' experiences, I wouldn't want my children looked after by young people on the minimum wage in a nursery. These people are doing a crucial job, but the wages they are offered are unlikely to attract the people with the intelligence that you would wish for in the people who are caring for your child. Even things like learning "ta" instead of "thank you" would have put me off.

You realise that saying Ta instead of thank you is actually a regional variation of English?

Sounds like you don't like northerners or the Welsh. Some of them have PhDs you know...

MongoOnlyPawnInGameOfLife · 01/02/2022 20:32

I’d feel guilty about it tbh, but I wouldn’t call it cruel and a lot of families can’t get by on one income even if they really cut back on luxuries, so unfortunately it’s not always a choice. I blame the system we live in, which is just sadly anti-family.

HikingforScenery · 01/02/2022 20:32

What do you think happens to children in nurseries?!
Cruel?!

eurochick · 01/02/2022 20:33

It's the norm in my experience. It's what most people I know did we had a nanny due to work travel and irregular hours but I was very much in the minority of the families I know.

A nanny doesn't have to be isolating. Ours did at least one group or meet up a day. As much for her sanity as the baby's socialisation I think! If there wasn't an organised group on she would meet up with a nanny friend and their charges for a coffee.

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/02/2022 20:34

No.
I’d probably go with a nanny for the first year though. Socialisation really isn’t a thing then.

stayathomer · 01/02/2022 20:35

If covid taught anything, it's how much a lot of chilled life outside of home life. I thought we'd done lockdown well (if you can!), but the first day they came home from school chatting about what they'd done and seen, I realised we'd only just managed.